SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m sorry it has come to this. You have been more than patient and understanding.

I was in your shoes and that is when DDay2 occurred. I thought we were reconciling. Actually he was actively planning to kick me to the curb. DDay2 I heard yet again he wanted a D.

Taking Control and telling him he had to go was my best move.

Please know if she moves out she will continue he her addiction to the OM and the Affair. In her mind being separated affords her the opportunity to continue to cheat.

You are doing the right thing. You deserve to be treated better than that.

Taking Control and telling him he had to go was my best move.

Did he go ?

How long was he away for ?

I see you are reconciled, how did that work out ?

Why was it the best move ?

I understand that if she moves out it will continue and they will certainly take that 'next step' and have sex. What am I supposed to do though ? Am I supposed to force her to stay with me even though she has these hateful thoughts towards me and will always feel that she needs to be with this OM ?

Is it just time for her to leave ?

ThisIstMe

This is a devastating time for any BS, I’m sorry you are here.

I’m not sure if it’s been said in your threads year but many here say “in order to save the M you have to be willing to lose the M”

That basically means that by not taking a strong stance and demanding what you need and deserve from the woman you love, you are going to lose the M eventually anyway because you are not addressing the issues. So you might as well say exactly what you expect and need and if you do, you’ll at the very least find your way to happiness on your own without wasting years in limbo, and there’s a chance when she sees you moving on, she may wake up to what she’s losing in you and her family and realize she does actually have love and passion for you.

But the truth is, there is nothing she can say right now that would fix what she has done in a meaningful way. She can’t just say “what was I thinking, I’m a fool and I’m sorry” and then you just become a loving couple again.

No, if she wants it, if she truly becomes Remorseful for the pain she has inflicted on the man she fell in love with, then there’s months of years of actions she needs to do to win you back.

She needs to become the pursuer. She needs to not only say the right things, but also do the right things to win your heart and love again.

Right now go read the Wayward Side Forum to hear the thoughts of WS’s who have finally reached that point and are doing everything they can to show their BS’s that they had lost their way thru their A and it’s them they truly love and want to share life with.

So no matter what she says this morning, I would say something like this today.

Unless we need to talk about them or paying the bills, I believe it’s best we not communicate anymore about us. You’ve made your feelings clear, now I need to start learning to live life with your words in my head “

Then start living life separately as best you can. I’m sorry how painful that sounds. Many here have been where you are. Some are reconciled, some are divorced.

No longer accept from her anything. Do your own laundry but don’t do hers. Cook your own food, but don’t cook for her or accept food from her. Do chores around the house that are necessary but not any specific for her.

If she’ll move out, then that’s for the best. Start living like you are no longer beholden to each other. Then interview D lawyers and understand the process and your rights. Pick one and ask them to draw up papers to be served to start the process.

We know how painful this all is my friend. But sitting in limbo just lets you be stagnant in the pain. Taken action doesn’t make this all more or less painful, but at the very least it shortens the time it will take to get out from under it.

Find a good IC that specializes in Infidelity and make sure you eat and drink (but not alcohol stay away from it). And exercise.

And if you have a close someone in real life you can start confiding in that will be supportive, do so. It’s time to stop worrying about her and start focusing on you. Read THE 180 again and start living by it.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 5:50 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Your discussion with her has all the hallmarks of the no-no, never effective Pick Me Dance.

Stevesn's advice and particularly his sample of what to say to your WW is the exact opposite of that, puts you in control of your life as best as humanly possible in this shitty situation and gives you the best chance to move forward, out of infidelity, and towards either D or R, whatever YOU ultimately decide down the road. I hope you'll heed his advice.

"Wife, I love you and want you to be happy. Therefore, I want you to know that you are free to pursue your relationship with OM, or any man, and seek your happiness. I sincerely hope you find it. But you cannot remain my wife while you are doing these things. Since you want to pursue this, I am divorcing you, both to give you your freedom and also to free myself to seek my happiness."

Stevsen gave you great advice.

Honestly, at this point, if she moves out, I would expose, expose, expose.

Please don't keep her dirty little secret for her.

Don't allow her to abuse you any longer.

She wants out, meet with an attorney and file.

Her words are cruel to say the least.

Start driving this bus back into happiness and sanity for yourself.

Stevesn, thank you... such great advise.

She woke up this morning and said "Please forget everything I said last night, I was drunk and didn't mean any of it. I'm sorry".

I'm so confused now ??

You deserve better

She told you the truth last night

Believe her

She needs to prove it by winning you back. This takes years.

She just can’t say “forget everything I have said it done” let’s go back to who we were.

If it were me, I’d still do and say exactly what we recommended the last few posts.

You can tell her that you are not someone who’s heart is a toy for her to yo-yo around. And tell her it’s obvious she has feelings she needs to work out and you can’t be the one to help her do that.

And that while she does that you need to work on healing from the devastating heartbreak this has caused you and find a way to be happy without her because you can no longer trust that she will be there for you.

Honestly my friend, you should tell her that until she figures out what she wants she should assume you are moving on without her. Tell her you love her and meant the vows you took and that you deserve better than having to be with someone who is not sure if she still believes her vow.

If it were me, I’d tell her I only want to be with someone as sees me as her one and only love of her life. If that’s not her then you are going to now take the time to find out who is.

So find your IC. Talk to 3 lawyers today and meet them this week and pick one.

Show her you are worth more than what she values you and that you are no longer putting up with what she is dishing out.

You don’t want her like this and the way you are handling it now is letting her keep you in this limbo indefinitely.

One more thing my friend,

This has been on my mind since the very first post you made about how he made a pass at her at a party.

I live in a neighborhood of 175 homes. We are one of 5 families here who are very close. All parents still married. We do a lot together.

There are many neighborhoods picnics, street parties, card/game nights and dinner parties that occur.

If I found out that some single guy or dad at that party made a pass at my wife, I’d not only confront him but the other 4 husbands in our little group would know about it that day. I’d warn them to watch out for that guy and what he did and urge them to have a conversation with their wives about him.

You dont have to go into details about how your wife reacted if you don’t want, but keeping this in the dark let’s it thrive.

You think your wife is special, but this could be the 4th married woman he has tried this with. You may be surprised by your closest friend confessing that his wife also had inappropriate relations with him. Don’t you wish he had told you to watch out for this piece of shit?

And if that is the case, your wife herself is going to realize who she basically thrown her family away for.

I completely urge you to do this with at least your closest friend in the community who knows him.

This is all part of taking control.

I want to send you a PM here with more information on potential steps to take. If you can’t find the private messages on your profile page let me know.

I hope this has helped.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 2:10 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]

Hoovering, this1stMe. she wasn't happy with herself because she maybe said too much and might lose her safety net (you). She needs to suck you back in until she sees how this all plays out. You are, at this moment, Plan B.

She said these things because she was drunk? True. The drinking loosened the lips to reveal things that she was thinking. I told my 1st IC that when I was younger and drank more that I was a happy drunk but now (early after DDay1) I was angry. He said the alcohol only reveals the mood (and words) that are pertinent at the time. What she said is what she meant.

Very good info from Stevesn. She has made herself clear. From experience, don't do the pick me dance. It's demeaning and embarrassing and counter productive.

“In Vino Veritas”.

Yes, in vino veritas, don't believe anything she says while she's sober, I know, it sounds terrible...

Alcohol is like a normal peoples truth serum.

I'm sorry you are in this mess

My advice is to show her you are not going to be doing the pick me dance.

Go see a lawyer, find out what your options are IF you decide to divorce her. Let her know you have seen one just to find out what your options are should you decide to divorce.

Start taking care of yourself, eat well, try to get enough sleep, exercise - find a hobby that keeps your mind engaged - why? it gives you something other than your marriage to focus on.

Be nice to her but don't be fawning over her - a modified 180 helps you to detach but also shows the WS what they will miss out on. **just a suggestion**

Avoid the OM as much as possible. I know your kids play together but get your kids involved in something that keeps them busy to limit their interaction with the OM's kids - or deal with their Mother.

Marriages go through this. It is when a third party gets inserted into it that things go sideways. What made her susceptible to him? That’s the question. My husband was gone for a year. I loved being on my own. My kids were old enough, our town was safe enough, that they pretty much came and went as they’d pleased. When he came home I had no feelings for him but they came back. The difference is I didn’t go looking. I just enjoyed being free to come and go. If she apologized it’s because the OM dumped her or they are waiting for you to “forget” it. You don’t need to know more about the affair. You need to know why she felt entitled to go outside your marriage.

Brother, I'm sorry it has come to this. You have been given some great advice. Stevesn hits the nail on the head.

I know you desperately want to save your marriage and have the wife you thought you had back, but unfortunately she is not all in right now. You cannot fix this all by yourself, no matter how much you want to.

Move forward out of infidelity. I hope, for your sake, that she gets with the program and starts doing some real work to become safe again. For now she just wants to rugsweep this. Pretend it didn't happen. It's so tempting for a BS to cling to this in the early days. Long-term, however, the BS tends to become angry and resentful, and the fact that the WS hasn't worked to fix their issues leaves room for them to betray again.

If she truly wants to be with you, she will take the initiative to become a better wife and person. She will try to win you back. It will take many months, if not years, of consistent behavior by her before you are able to trust her again.

Again, I'm sorry it has come to this. Find the strength to go forward for yourself. It is hard, but it will save your self-respect and your emotional health in the long run. I hope she truly sees what she is losing and makes a change, but you can't live in limbo, hoping that she will.

Be strong, brother.

You got more truth about her emotions and feelings last night than you ever have before.

She told you what is in her heart without the filters.

Let her go. She is not good wife material. She is gas lighting you, only telling you things to keep you in line while she figures out how to be with the OM.

She is in love with OM - not you. Why would you want to keep her as a wife?

You are Plan B. The safe landing if OM fails to respond how she wants.

Don't be Plan B.

She is lying to you this morning. When people are drunk, their inhibitions are lowered and they tend to tell how they really feel.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but your WW is trying to cover her ass.

At the very least, she is very confused about whether or not she wants to be married to you. She has broken her vows. Do you want to sit around while she decides? She chose when she married you, now she is changing her mind.

You are correct that she needs to move out. Tell her to go to her OM and stay with him. She can find out really fast how "in love" she is with him.

Protect yourself. Start the 180. Don't communicate with her, she is a liar. Assume anything she tells you is a lie unless you can verify it.

Please forget everything I said last night, I was drunk and didn't mean any of it.

People don’t tend to lie when they’re drunk. On the contrary that is when they tell the truth. I’ve read before that “alcohol and anger are great truth serums.” My opinion is that’s true.