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Hurtandbroken987

Run this by your attorney but this is probably how I would approach this.

She is trying to goad you. That is the only goal. This isn’t the first example; we also have how she changed schedules to inconvenience you. So… use her actions to your possible advantage.

You can’t prevent her from being crass and tasteless, but you can accumulate evidence of her behavior to strengthen your stance for factors like the family home, prime residence and prime custody.

To do this then keep some things in focus:

Remember that you two are divorcing. That leads to the logical conclusion that you are releasing each other from some expectations related to a marriage. One of the being fidelities. There really isn’t much you can do to prevent her having OM over, talking to him openly on the phone or describe in great detail how he get’s her off. It’s bad taste and extremely stupid, but it seems she’s already shown she has both those qualities in abundance.

What you CAN EXPECT is that you two do your very best to minimize the trauma of divorce for your children.

Present a WRITTEN, logical and reasonable list of expectations on how YOU BOTH should act around your children. This could include:

- A parenting schedule dividing days for getting them started and/or pickup.

- Weekend expectations.

- How to handle deviances from schedule.

- Who can substitute if required.

- Who the kids can be around…

Make sure that it’s clear that this schedule is the basis to work by while you two are living in the same house. Make sure it is mutual – for example: “Neither of us will introduce our children to anyone we might be dating” and “We will both avoid all conflicts or abrasive/abusive behavior that the children can witness”.

Make certain you deliver this outline in a traceable form. For example, send an e-mail and even have a print-out on the fridge. Don’t give her leeway to deny its existence. Take care that if a neutral person were to read the schedule (i.e. a judge) that person would nod his head and think it was reasonable and aimed at the children’s welfare. Whether she accepts the schedule or not isn’t really relevant – if it’s reasonable then her refusal will be seen as a lack of focusing on the children’s well-being.

Be open to change: If she wants to work early on Fridays rather than Wednesdays and you can accommodate that then fine.

Once that is in place… DOCUMENT ALL VIOLATIONS.

Not only that – make the documentations traceable with e-mails.

“Wife – You were supposed to pick up kids yesterday but I got a phone call half an hour after the scheduled time informing me I had to do it. Please stand by the schedule and if you need to deviate then give me as much advance warning as possible.”

“Wife – OM was in our residence last evening. Even though the children were asleep there is always the risk that they need our attention and it could be traumatic for them to encounter a strange man in their home at night.”

If she replies – don’t answer. Its not really relevant.

What you want is that when it comes to custody issues you have a stack of notifications where she hasn’t stood by a reasonable expectation list.

IHS is a living hell, full of potential traps for the BH such as the one that was set for you. My PI documented that my then STBXWW brought OM to my house while I was out of town on business. That WW would expose my 3 kids to OM was included in divorce papers.

The point relevant to your divorce proceedings is not that your WW disrespected you by bringing OM into your house as hard as that is to stomach, it’s that she exposed your kids to OM, especially in a drunken condition. If you heard sex sounds that your kids would have overheard too, you should document that too. The courts don’t like WWs having sex with OM with kids in observation range. Did your WW and OM get drunk in your house in the presence of your kids or did they get drunk at a bar and then drive to your house? If it’s the latter, you missed the opportunity to alert the police to pull OM over when he left your house at 4:30 this morning. As my attorney informed me, the child custody situation would change dramatically if your WW is arrested for DWI. If it’s the former, that should be documented by you.

To echo the previous posters, document everything. Also, if you suspect drug use, get a sample of your WW’s hair. My XWW moved out of house before I could get one (she left her brushes in her separate locked room). Documented drug use by your WW would also change the custody equation.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 10:00 AM, July 5th (Friday)]

Send and email to state directly that the OM sleeping over was unacceptable and not an agreed upon behaviour. Don't expand into details and minutiae. Leave it at that for documentation. Maybe ask if they were drunk to grease the wheel.

Talk to your lawyer about an emergency order due to her ridiculousness.

VAR at all times.

Do not step inside the room again. That will be seen negatively.

And

Do full exposure on her/him. That's about all you have

[This message edited by BobPar at 11:37 AM, July 5th, 2019 (Friday)]

You should also go to the police station and file a “report “, as opposed to a criminal “complaint “ which is an allegation that a crime was committed. In your report, you should let the police know about your marital situation, the name of the OM, and that you believe that your WW is bringing OM around your house to provoke you and/or set up a false DV claim. This gives the police your side of the story beforehand and when you’re calm, and the police know what to expect if your WW calls them to come to your home. Also, the police may investigate the report by going to OM’s house and they may run into OBS.

My divorce attorney had me file such a report after my then STBXWW was complaining that she needed more money, and that at any time she could make a false DV complaint to the local police and get me thrown out of my house.

[This message edited by Alonelyagain at 12:59 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

I want to point out, lost in all of this, is that she turned off the camera.

This is not only an attempt to provoke you, but she's doing it in a way that she knows could potentially reflect poorly on her in court.

She's calculating this all out, if I were you, I would start protecting my own interests. More cameras that she doesn't know about would be a good start.

Spoke to my attorney today. Nothing I can do about him coming here except document it.

I have recordings of him approaching my house and am sending that to the attorney. I spoke to the WW this morning calmly indicating that I do not want him in this house because of the children. I didn't care what she did with him but did not want our children to experience that trauma. I informed her that I had called 911 and filed a report, I told her I was standing over them for about 2 minutes taking pictures as proof. This clearlt pissed her off as she finally replied when I said I do not want another man in the house sleeping when the kids are here and gave me a VERY snarky reply of "You bet, got it!". PURE EVIL.

I am recording all calls. I am doing my best to keep the cameras rolling even though she actively turns them off. Not sure what else I can do but wait this out and see how long it takes before it ends. I do plan to start inviting y friends and family over when she is here with him as well. I know I can't do it every time but I am going to try.

I am beyond exhausted. Haven't slept in over 24 hours. Am home alone with kids because she is at work for another hour. Not sure what tonight will bring but am scared.

Just when you think you’ve read it all... 😳

Do you have someone that could move in with you for a while? Your mom, dad, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, cousin, family friend, co-worker?

Is your attorney’s suggestion simply that you tolerate this behavior indefinitely? When will temporary orders be issued? Clearly IHS isn’t going to work if this is her idea of responsible, reasonable adult behavior.

Your atty deals with divorce.

The sheriffs office or police department deals with Orders of No Tresspass.

In my state, I had a psycho neighbor. The sheriffs office said to print out an order of no tresspass, sign it, send it to her or get a process server to deliver it. Then, once she had received it, if she came on the property, I just had to simply call them, shoe where she signed for the Order of No Tresspass, and they would have her arrested. Stop by your Sheriffs office or police dept to see if you can do this to OM.

I do have people that can come by, my mom and dad would probably stay if I asked them. My mom was here for me today. I was able to sleep for maybe an hour. Everyone, I’m falling apart tonight. I’m beyond exhausted and it’s contributing to a break down. I’m hoping to be in bed in an hour once my youngest goes to sleep and my oldest goes shortly after. She is not home yet but will be soon most likely in the next 25 minutes. I’ve told her mom about this as well. Here dad isn’t here. Her mom isn’t much help either. I’m so tired and so very paranoid that she’s going to bring him here again tonight. I just want it to end. All of it. I am at my limit.

I'm sorry you're going through all this. I've seen a lot of bad behavior by WS's over the years, but your WW is in a league of her own.

Here's the thing though... All of this is about rattling your cage. It's all about getting you upset enough to do something stupid. So, if you really just can't hack it without reacting, it's better to move out. The last thing you want is to give her any ammo. I honestly believe she's trying to goad you into a false D/V charge and you've got to be better than that. Your 180 needs to be pristine. And even then, you need to keep your VAR handy and avoid set-ups where she can lie about it. It's a tall order.

Did you ask your attorney about getting an emergency order from the court for temporary exclusive use of the home? I find it difficult to believe that this kind of behavior in front of the children can't be challenged. But if that is indeed the case, it's super important that you keep your cool and stop talking to her about it. Remember that if she's trying to goad you, ANY reaction gives her what she wants and encourages more bad behavior.

Have a look at Director's thread. He's been doing IHS for quite a while now. Also, look up keywords "grey rock psychopath" and read the articles you find online. In a nutshell, doing "grey rock" successfully is all about NOT presenting an interesting target. But listen, if you can't do it, that's okay. All the details are going to be worked out in the divorce proceedings anyway, and anything you might gain by staying on the premises would be lost anyway if she goads you into acting out. So, think it over. You can always set up your own place and establish a 50/50 with the kids and put her on a parenting app. The important thing is that you ALWAYS look like the adult in the room.

I'm so sorry. I too walked in on my WXH and his mistress in our bed, and took pictures to document it, purely in case he decided to gaslight me and tell me it didn't happen (which sure enough, he did). Those photos aren't admissible for anything, but they definitely help me get my thoughts straight when I'm in a funk. Be prepared, now that she's aware that you have photos, she might try to threaten you - mine said all sorts of shit about how I'd better not post any of that anywhere or he would sue me.

I don't know how on earth your STBXWW thinks this is appropriate. While others are right, you unfortunately can't control her, it definitely sucks.

I do think Bigger's advice here is solid. Even if your attorney says there is nothing you can legally do, you can still request that she be civil. And like Bigger said, even if she doesn't explicitly agree to any of the terms, her refusal to abide by very reasonable requests will be looked down upon by any judge worth their salt. Document, document, document.

I would let her know that as you are divorcing, you have no issue with her spending time with the OM, you just do not want any of their time together to be spent in your home, especially your marital bed. This might encourage her to go spend time with him outside of the house instead - win, win, as you can document all of the times she chooses to go spend time with him instead of spend time at home with her kids, AND you don't have to see her and the OM together. It won't be fun knowing she's out with him, sure, but better than seeing it paraded in front of you.

Though by telling her this, you do run the risk of her deliberately disobeying your request just to piss you off.

I also agree with others that having as many people around you as possible is a good idea. If she can legally have the OM at your house, you can invite over whoever you want. She might think twice about bringing him over if she knows that there will always be someone there ready to judge her when they see her walking in with him. I know my XH did anything he possibly could to avoid seeing my parents after everything went down. The one time my Dad and I surprised him, he literally wouldn't lift his eyes off the floor, and ran out of the house as quickly as he could.

Plus having other people around to help out with basic tasks like making dinner for your kids etc. when you need to run off and cry or scream or whatever

No, your not at your limit, you will be amazed at what you can get through....you do it.

One day at a time, you do it.

You tell your mind you are doing the right thing by divorcing that POS.

She is not right.

You need to document, record EVERYTHING!

She knows what she’s doing to you, she wants to break you down, make you weak, fuck her, you pick yourself up everyday.

You need to call your Dr. next week, you may need some intervention with medications, then you get in with a counselor.

I hope you get some sleep, that along with not eating/drinking will take you down real fast mentally.

Not sure if you can do this in your situation or not.

A friend was facing a similar situation, she invited her "friend" who just happened to be his sister over to watch a movie together as a girls night in.

This did two things, obviously exposed the situation and put her WH on notice that this type of behavior has consequences.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with such a horrible person.

You do not deserve this - she is purposely putting you through hell.

At some point it will be better for you and your kids. Keep that happy destination in sight as you deal with this person whom you don’t know.

Consider hiding some cameras.??

I think you are doing amazing in this situation.

Agree with above, or you might try a PI.

They with together right? Is he boss? Have you exposed them to HR? Most companies frown upon affairs in the workplace.

Well, I made it through the night but not without help. I finally relented and had to call my mom and dad to drive an hour 15 minutes to come stay. She came home and accused me of taking her wedding ring. This of course on the heels of the night before where she had been drinking for 8 hours and had him in our house. I recorded this conversation as well as others but in the end stating I DID not touch any of your things etc... Then she left at 9PM with a drink in hand to go see him and disabled 2 of my security cameras in the back yard This, to me was a sign she was going to have him at the house again. I called my parents and they came right away. As if some magical timing occurred my WW arrived back home at 11:07PM and on her way in turned off the security camera again. (I had turned them back on prior) But it was then that my family arrived in the driveway to spoil her night. They walked in the door and she walked right upstairs not to be seen for the rest of the night. I was finally able to sleep and my family is still here with me this morning. She is in the basement hiding out with my oldest son. Today is another day of hell.

I want to reiterate. I am documenting, daily. I am recording all convo's and I am in constant contact with my lawyer. Yes I can get a temp order for one of us to move, but as my lawyer stated, if you do that, then you won't be able to document her behavior. Seems like a shitty game of chess at the moment.

Can you change the password to the cameras so she can’t turn them off?

Hang in there, this is a tough time.

Hang in there! Thankfully you have been able to sleep a bit, let your parents help you, we are never to old to accept their help.

Can you do something about the cameras? Like xswimmer said?

There are now a lot of tiny wifi security cameras that are easy to hide. Do a youtube search on this. You can also use them inside the house. For example inside of a stuffed animal, inside a basket planter...hidden on a bookshelf. They send alerts to your phone.

Keep playing the game with turning on and off the prior cameras so she thinks she is in charge of you. And in the meantime you are no longer relying on those cameras.

Great job with getting your parents to come over. Have you been to your doctor to explain the stress you are under? I ask because many of us used appropriate medication to help take the edge off the stress and/or help us get solid sleep.

Everyone needs you strong and wise as a fox to get through this.

Imagine 1000 SI friends surrounding you in support.

You can do this.

Good move on getting your parents to stay. Hopefully you get some rest now. My mom helped me so much at the beginning when I couldn't function due to lack of sleep and stress. I agree, get some other cameras that are hidden, they are so hidden these days.

As for the wedding ring. Now her story can be that you took it and that is why she doesn't where it. Yeah right. They come up with all sorts of excuses. This ones stupid.