IYCD, are you in IC? I still go once or twice a month. I am still processing traumas from my marriage, and post DDay, and post filing. Traumas similar to yours which I have either never mentioned here or not gone into detail about. Suffice it to say, our traumas are similar and I completely understand how you feel. I could NOT have gotten to where I am without IC. I also read many books and listened to dozens of podcasts on narcissism and other personality disorders. I literally had to reprogram my brain.
It will take time. Even with all that work I did on my own, it has still taken me almost 4 years to get where I am today. And I still have work to do.
I'm dating a wonderful man, but I am still not ready to be emotionally vulnerable with him. It's been just under 3 months, so still very new. But I do feel a softening of my heart, or at least the walls around it.
What you are feeling is normal. You've been through hell. You were abused in every way possible (like me) by the person you trusted the most. That's a big f***ing deal. But you can heal. And you can have fulfilling relationships. IC, IC, IC. With a good therapist.
Hugs to you. Don't let his abuse destroy you. You take care of you. No one else will.
[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 10:16 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]