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I found out last month my husband had been having an affair for the past 6 years. We have been married for 11 out of those 6 and we 3 children. One which was born during his affair. I am so confused and lost I never thought that he would do this. But anyone is capable of doing this. He cheated on me with a a woman who is 11 years older than him and she was also married for 20 years. About a year and a half ago is when her husband found out about the affair and he left her. That’s around the time I noticed my husband was being distant. Probably hit him hard that he had to chose his family or his mistress. I found a message from her on Facebook, so I confronted him and at first he said it was going on for a year and then it was 2 years and finally he confessed that it had been 6 years. He met her at his old job, he hasn’t worked there in about 3 years now but their relationship kept thriving. He was working the night shift at the time, I kicked him out the first night and he went straight to her house. He came back the next day asking to please stay. I let him for about a week. Then she sent me a message on Facebook telling me that I may be his wife and the mother of his children but she has been his partner for the past 6 years and told me he stayed with her that day I kicked him out. I kicked him out again and this time he went to stay with his sister. That only lasted 3 days before he came back asking me to stay. I said no and I left with our children to my moms house. That same night I left he went to see the his mistress I caught him on iPhone location and he denied that he was going when I showed him a screenshot he turned off his location and turned off his phone and didn’t stay at our house. He supposedly went to stay at a hotel because he didn’t want to be alone at home. Which I know for sure he stayed with her. He still denies it, he won’t confirm it. This Thursday we have our first couples therapy. I feel he isn’t even trying. He blocked her number on his cell phone and I blocked her from his social media. But then I found an app called LINE where she can still contact him, but he hadn’t even responded to her text or even opened them. I told him to show me the messages and he just said don’t open them. She’s going to know I saw them, like he still considers her feelings over mine. Has anyone had good luck in repairing their marriage after such a long affair?

Coria There are people who feel they have repaired their marriage after a LTA. It's possible. But it's a big world with lots of people -all sorts of people with all sorts of situations. The only repair job that really matters is ours.

Please take advantage of the reading material in the healing library here on SI (upper right hand corner in yellow box). There is a group here for people dealing with Long Term Affairs. You will find others there you might find it helpful to talk with.

You say you're going to a MC; often MC's are not equipped to help with adultery; many people find it more helpful for each party to find a good IC--you might find it helpful to find an IC who can help with betrayal trauma.

You should try to speak with an attorney to learn what your rights are.

If you are not sleeping or eating properly you should speak with your doctor--it's important to maintain your health.

If you have someone, a relative or friend that you can trust, you might find it helpful to talk about this with that person.

Try to find a support group--there are groups that meet virtually if you are unable to find one in your area; BAN is a group that deal with trauma such as you are experiencing.

Coria, you're asking about repair and that's what we all wonder about soon after discovery; please give yourself time to repair yourself and try not to think about repairing the marriage. Your husband has been living a double life; his life involved lying; his life involved deceit and exploitation. None of that was your fault. The blame is entirely on him and the kind of repair he has to do is entirely different than what you have to do.

Great that you have found SI. It's a life saver for many of us. But also try to have an IRL support team as well.

Try to focus on yourself--you have three children so you have to keep yourself healthy for them as well.

It can take a very long time to regain balance and clarity and the longer they have betrayed, the longer we now realize we were living in an illusion, the harder it might be to heal; but we can. You will. Others will soon be responding to your post and offering other kinds of advice and information. And we're all here to support and wish you the very best. Not a club anyone wants to join but given what we've experienced a club we're very grateful to have.

Hi Coria,

I also am very sorry that you had to find us here on SI and for the pain you must be in right now.

As Marji said, every situation is different. Some marriages survive infidelity and some cannot. Our concern is that YOU get through this, no matter what you choose to do. You have been put in a lousy position that you did not ask for. It’s really terrible to have your world turned upside down by someone you love but who didn’t respect you enough to let you know the truth about your own life.

Well now you know.

When I was young, at 23, my first husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with my son. I found out when my baby was 5 months old. I tried for three days to make some sense of what had happened, but couldn’t. That doesn’t seem like a very long time, but I was in mother bear mode and my ex was still very immature himself. We divorced and I met my “Prince Charming”.

Walking away from that first marriage was the best decision for me.

After the first 10 years of my second marriage, and three more children, Prince Charming began an office affair with a married employee. Had I found out early on, I think I would have made the same decision and left, but the affair was very cunningly kept a secret for 15 years.

At 53, having my world rocked, was much different. Even though my kids were young adults, I wanted to preserve the family so we have been trying to reconcile this travesty.

What has made the effort, (and it is a huge effort) worthwhile is that my H woke up, was actually relieved that I found out and turned all of his energy and attention back to me. I don’t know if that was actually remorse, probably more panic than anything else, but it has helped.

If your H is not willing to do anything and everything to save your marriage, then he is not reconciliation material.

You now have the luxury of not having to make any decisions concerning your marriage. In fact, you shouldn’t. One month is still so soon. You need to do as Marji said and take care of your health and your children. Seeing a lawyer is another great idea, so that you know where you stand legally and financially.

There has probably been some significant financial infidelity over that 6 year period as well.

You will have lots of questions and lots of processing to do.

You can’t really repair a marriage after this. Your H threw it away when he broke his vows, but you can begin a new relationship with him if you want to. And it may turn out to be better. Find out if you really want to first.

We are here for you.

Hi Coria, I am so so sorry you are here. When I first found, I was given similar advice as to what you have been given already - it helped.

There is a description of something called the 180 - it is a way to distance yourself from your wayward husband (WH)and start to be able to think, and process.

This is an utter shock to you - mentally, emotionally, and physically. Please do the basics to stay healthy - eat, try to sleep, drink water, and exercise.

I found out 2 days before going on vacation - while the vacation was kind of ruined, I think in the end it was a gift - I didn't have to go to work and be a mess. I was distracted by Portugal so I could think, process and cry without the pressure of daily life. I'm sure the portugese just thought I was another stupid tourist!

We often refer to infidelity, especially a long term affair as a roller coaster. The description is most apt - your emotions will yo yo like crazy, and that is perfectly ok.

If you need to steady yourself or talk, you can also do that here - in an environment that is understanding, sympathetic and frankly, directly honest by pointing out things you are not thinking about. Come rant, rave, and cry here, we understand.

About cheaters - they lie. My husband told me in May, said it was done. Lied to my (crying) face. Lied to our counsellor - he was good. He lied to save his life. He was still with her. In fact, he lied to her too. Strung us both along. Then he finally got it (or some of it) and told me the truth, well most of it. He left out some chunks. My point is, he will lie - don't take his word at face value.

This is the hardest thing in your life. For now, I'd suggest the 180, you need to distance yourself, find your feet and your strength and then you can start to deal with this. This will help.

I am so sorry that this has happened. I remember the early days, so hard and painful.

((((Coria))))

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 6:15 AM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Cora

I truly think marriages can survive ANYTHING as long as issues are dealt with from a basis of truth and honesty. They can survive anything other than deception and ongoing lies.

No – I am not stating that you should or need to save your marriage. His affair is ample reason to reconsider if he truly is the man you want to spend your life with. But if – despite his affair – you want to work things out then truth and honesty is a basic requirement.

Once you know what you are dealing with you can sit down and start thinking if you can reconcile and how you could possibly get there. Or divorce. You can base your decision on more than imagination and emotions.

Often the WS fears telling the truth because they think once the truth is out the marriage is over. It can be you your great advantage to make your husband understand that WITHOUT the truth the marriage is definitely doomed. With the truth and with total honesty… at least the marriage has a chance.

Your husband had a wonderful life for six years with a division of labor. You for stability and the OW for fun. It’s a way of life for him. The key is that he sees nothing wrong with it. Oh he knows that it’s technically wrong but on a gut level it’s only sex. Why can’t you just let it go and let him be happy?

He can’t wrap his mind around the fact that he can’t have both of you. Your job is to make him understand that. It sounds simple but it’s not as you have discovered. He’s like a drug addict going through withdraw and his dealer is offering him free stuff.

your WH is deeply invested into this OW. 6 years is a long time and that means they share everything in life that you share in life. very little difference. i'm sure he just views it as a second family.

he balances between the two of you. you're part of his life, she's part of his life. he wants you both, maybe for different reasons.

this has gone underground. she doesn't want him gone. he doesn't want her gone. she already lost everything FOR HIM. she's totally invested into him, completely and won't go away. he's making it look like it's over by blocking at one level and then going the burner route on the other.

he wants this to continue. she wants it to continue. they've both been just fine with him leading his double life. there's not even any fog here, this is his life. that's where you are. believe it.

My first thought is that whatever is going through his mind, he is a toxic individual to be around. Shift your focus onto yourself, protect yourself. Believe his actions, rather than his words. Read up everything you can on affairs.

I am a month from DDay, seperated now, have been thrown under the bus by her and she is still seeing the POSOM.

But doing the 180, focusing on myself, dropping all hoping that the marriage can be saved, dropping any sort of "pick me" dance, has given me more strength and clarity that i can dream of, whereas the opposite would be true if i was engaging in my wife.

it's her marriage to save. i am out. i am filing. but i understand this advice might not be quite fitting for you. do what you need to do, just make sure you PRIORITIES your health and sanity over the MARRIAGE'S.

and truly come to believe that deep down, no matter what happens, even if you end up homeless, deep down inside you have the strength to be okay and make it through. You might not feel that way, but you can and will.

On first blush, it might look like your WH is trying to decide between his devoted wife and his long-term AP, but I think maybe it's you who's in the catbird seat, Coria. If you've ever read posts in an OW forum (and yes, there's a forum for everything these days, no matter how skeezy ), you'd see pretty quickly what the OW themselves can't admit... the married cheater doesn't WANT to leave home. He tells the OW that he can't leave because of the kids, or that his BW will be suicidal, or that his great-great-uncle Bertrand won't leave him a big inheritance, or whatever it takes to get her to stop pressuring him for more, but with rare exception, he doesn't leave his wife.

Your WH has had six years to leave. He didn't. The OW is pissy about that, so she figures if she stirs the pot, you'll toss him. And frankly, if that's your choice, no one could blame you. The guy cheated for more than half your marriage. He doesn't deserve an honest, caring wife.

That said, unless I was certain I wanted a divorce, I think I'd work on busting up the affair first and then make a final decision afterward. So, you set down your boundaries, meaning what does he need to do to keep you from bolting right now. Most people list out things like NO CONTACT with the AP. That's imperative. Usually, the two of you would create an NC letter which can be emailed or sent by snail mail, never in person. "Closure" is something people provide to themselves, so it's not necessary for them to meet. You'll probably want access to his phone, apps, and emails. You might even put a gps tracker on his phone, or put him on a flip phone, or whatever makes you feel like he's making an effort to be transparent. Just remember that a determined cheater will find a way. They can buy burner phones, turn off their gps, leave their phone in a parked car, whatever. The demand for "transparency" is mostly about observing his reaction to it.

Boundaries aren't really "rules" for the cheater to follow, although it kind of sounds that way. We can't control other people. But we CAN say what we'll tolerate and what we won't. So, your boundary is more like "I won't tolerate a secretive man who password protects his devices". Does that make sense to you? You can test your "rules" by rewriting them into boundary statements. That way, you're serving yourself, not trying to impose controls over a grown ass man who should have known better. The last thing you want is to get stuffed into the authoritarian "mom" role. It begs recalcitrance like a teenage boy sneaking out his bedroom window. You're not his mom and you're not his jailer. You're just telling him how a guy needs to behave in order to have a shot at a relationship with you.

Anyway, it looks like you've got options as to how you want to deal with your situation. Like I said earlier, no one could fault you for just being done with this cheater. If you're wanting to test the waters of R though, I think after a 6-year LTA, he's a risk for breaking contact. I think I'd download the divorce papers, fill them out, sit him down and show them to him, and let him know that the MINUTE he breaks NC, they're getting filed. Interview some attorneys too, so you can put one on retainer quickly if needed.

Cheaters don't take us seriously until we're actually serious. So say what you mean and mean what you say.

((hugs))

This Thursday we have our first couples therapy.

Cancel it immediately. MC right now is a waste of time and money while he's still going back and forth with the OW. Sure, he might have her blocked FOR NOW but he could unblock her and reach out at any moment. He could be messaging her somewhere else. Get the phone records and check those.

Coria--- My heart hurts for you right now. I know what it feels like to be lost, heartbroken, and questioning everything about your marriage. Be kind to yourself and remember this is on him.

My marriage survived a two year LTA It was not easy and it was not pretty, but we did it. A wise person once said to me anything in life can be fixed except death. I will always remember that. However, it takes two willing partners and a lot of remorse and work on his part, and a forgiving heart on yours. This journey I do not wish for anyone and I wish you many blessings and I will hold you in my prayers.

Coria - so sorry you are here, but it's the best club no one wants to join.

I'm gonna echo other posts about the 180. When I discovered my WH's LTA, I thought for sure I wanted to reconcile. I didn't listen to the folks on SI telling me to focus on ME. Big mistake. I was convinced I was different, WE were special, etc. Turns out there really isn't anything special about cheaters. Most of the characteristics are the same no matter what the situation. There is something broken in them that THEY need to fix - not you.

I don't think a BS can decide on R or not until s/he has had some time to heal/recover from the shock of it all. In retrospect, I think that I (and maybe my WH or our M) would have been better off if I'd immediately done a 180. And after 6 months with zero progress, I should have had him move out of the house so I (and him) could get some space to start thinking straight. It is absolutely a rollercoaster, so it's really important for the BS to work on regaining their footing and strength. It's a lot easier said than done, but it can be done.

Harsh words, but the marriage you thought you had is over. There is no more "normal". It took me a long time to figure that out - to figure out that the man I THOUGHT I was married to was NOT the man I was ACTUALLY married to. It's a complete mindf*ck. It's as if they were possessed like that movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers.... they look like the person you married, and in many ways they act like the person you married, but they are excelling at hiding themselves so that you (or anyone, really) can't figure out they they are NOT the person you married.

The question is if they can - and WILL - do some really hard work and digging to become a new person, one with honesty, integrity, vulnerability, etc... one that you would like to marry again.

But, you don't know the answer to that one right now. He's still got his head up his arse, and seeing his mistress after you learned of the A is proof enough on that front. You do know that the person he is TODAY is not someone that can be trusted with your most valuable possession - YOU. So, you need to protect you.

Read up in the healing library. Learn about guilt vs regret vs remorse. Remember that it's the ACTIONS and not the words that show you what's up (that was a hard one for me - isn't him crying an "action"? No. consistent behavior over time is what's important).

This is what my IC called the "data gathering" time. You can gather data to determine if he is "R material" (meaning - is he willing and able to do the work to make himself a safe partner for you). In the meantime, you focus on YOU and YOUR healing. There's a lot on SI about the WS helping the BS in healing. That's great if it happens. But the reality is that as completely unfair as this all is, you are really the only one that can heal you. It's as if he drove drunk and smashed the car... he walks away but every bone in your body is broken. He can bring you water and make doctor's appointments, but only YOU can go to physical therapy and get those bones working again. The only difference is it's your heart and your soul that are broken. It ain't always easy, but they can be repaired, and in the process you can become a stronger, more resilient, more joyful person (hard to believe now, but it's the truth).

Godspeed to you...

How are you, I'm sure you are overwhelmed.