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During this particular discussion with her, she said, “don’t you want to try something new and exciting”? It was that statement that got me curious that something else was going on other than her normal being upset with me.

(Sorry for the length of the entry. My DDay was 9 months ago. I tried to summarize and still provide some detail).

Currently, my wife and I have been married for 23 years. We have two wonderful children. Our 17 year old daughter and our 13 year old son. We have had our ups and downs over the years and even attended couples therapy. I found our previous therapy sessions to be nothing more than a safe area for her to blame me for everything but provided no benefit for our long term assistance. The past several years have been filled with getting through the work day to get home, have dinner as a family and then start the taxi cab service running the children to different activities. There has been a huge disconnect between us for some time. I thought it was the phase of our life. We were getting the kids a little more independent and then we were going to have the time to reconnect. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

It was September 2018. My wife was being frequently more critical of my inabilities to do anything she approved of. She said I needed to start working on myself. Because “if I don’t start working on me, there will be no we.” She felt I did not want to come home after work. She felt I was always mad/angry. Because of my lack of “success” with therapy in the past, I began a self-study. Any time I tried to discuss “us” with her, I got a severe backlashing. Then during one discussion, she said, “don’t you want to try something new and exciting”? I didn’t get it. What was she referring to? Something didn’t add up. I am not proud of what I did next but it was definitely the right thing to do. I looked into her phone. I know that whatever was going on, she had been discussing with her best friend. What I discovered will impact me for the rest of my life. After reading many discussions of my wife and her best friend speaking very negatively/condescending of me and anything I do, I read my wife say “hopefully he won’t find out about our pool guy, haha”. What?? This has got to be a joke. I scrolled to his text feed and sure enough. Unbelievable! The pool boy, how cliché . He had sent her a couple photos of his genitals. She made a comment of wanting to give him oral sex and intercourse. Hooking up around my schedule when I took our son out on a camping trip. Sending a text of him holding a condom in my back yard asking my wife if she can get home because he is prepared this time. I discovered this just before thanksgiving. I wanted to explode. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to be the dad that ruined the holidays by kicking there mother out of the house. I held it in. It would constantly eat at me. I had to get through the holidays. Somehow, I swallowed it for two months. My individual therapist and my internist wondered how I was functioning with what I learned and continued to learn.

Mid January, we were sitting around and she asked something and I had been stewing about her affair in my head all day. I had a couple drinks and replied something snarky and walked out of the room. She followed and asked what was my problem. I asked how long she had been fucking the pool boy. Other than one I am sorry, she did not say anything for the next couple hours. I unloaded everything I was aware of on her. She was in shock that I had knowledge of all of this.

The next several months have been a roller coaster. I found out the affair had ended prior to my discovery. I confronted him a month after I confronted her. His wife is currently pregnant with their second child. But my wife told me he is a good man so I didn’t inform his wife. For some reason, I still love her. I tried to forget the affair. I have forgiven her but can’t forget. I was part of what put our problems in motion years ago but she has been driving us in a bad direction for years. We initially decided to proceed with a divorce and that got a little real for her. Shortly thereafter, our daughter had an issue that we both rallied around and things between us became pretty good. We have been trying to reconcile and recently I thought it was a possibility. Evan though so many of her texts I read discussed leaving me but now is not the time because of the kids. I felt there have been a lot of games going on. I was trying to trust and believe her when she said there were no more games. She is very good at turning what I say on me. She comes from a family that calmly discussed there issues. I came from a family that gets emotional and raises their voice to get it out. So, over the years, I raise my voice and get something off my chest, she puts walls up and doesn’t talk with me for a few days. I have asked her for open communication from the beginning and she recently admitted to not being able to open up from the beginning of our relationship. We both have individual therapists as well as a couple’s therapist. My wife was my best friend although I wasn’t hers so I don’t have many resources to discuss my feelings with. While I thought reconciliation was an option, I told her a week ago that I felt I deserve to be treated better than she is treating me. Two days later she said she didn’t have it in her to continue working on our relationship. She does not love me and doesn’t see it changing over the next 5 months her therapist recommends her continuing to work on us. I thought she was the one. Morals, intelligence, beauty, and a great mother. My hopes and dreams were with her. I am sad for my children and how this is going to impact them. I am lost and not sure how to proceed.

But my wife told me he is a good man so I didn’t inform his wife.

A, "good man," wouldn't be having sex with married women while his pregnant wife is at home. I am sorry, but I think this snake needs to be exposed. How many other families will he destroy while he gets to go on pretending to be a "good man." All this does is keep the option open for her to reignite the A again.

So sorry man. You deserve a woman who respects you even when you are not around. I think you need to keep up with the IC, but based on what you have shared do you really want the rest of your life to be full of "childish high school," games ?

I am a big believer in R. I am happily R'd myself, but you can't do that by yourself. Further the amount of disrespect and manipulation you are still dealing with is akin to abuse. If you don't see a happy and fulfilled future why would you stay M'd? It seems your W only wants someone to control, not someone to love.

Again, so sorry. I think your are making the right decision.

Newandexciting:

So sorry you have found yourself here but you will receive good support. It sounds like your WW has checked out of your M. It takes two to R, and your WW is not interested. First of all take care of yourself. Eat healthy and exercise. Be the stable parent for your children. It appears your WW is no longer in the A? Most importantly inform the OBS promptly of her WS’s infidelity. She deserves to know she is living a lie. Also, it is the right thing to do. Not for revenge. It is the right thing to let her know what is going on in her M. Period.

See an attorney to learn your rights and file for D. Have her served promptly. No use in dragging this out any longer. Your WW has been badmouthing you and disrespecting you behind your back for years. She is just playing cruel games. You deserve to live in an authentic M, not with an unremorseful spouse. Read in the healing library. Only communicate about children and finances. Have your attorney draft a separation agreement for her to sign as soon as you can with provisions agreeable to you. It is time for action. Your WW has been way ahead of you in planning to leave you high and dry. It is time for you to take the initiative. I know this is not what you wanted. It is extremely painful. But the bottom line is she wants out of the M. It is better if the split is on your terms.

There is D/S forum here where you will receive excellent advice from people who have been thru this. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:34 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

Morals, intelligence, beauty, and a great mother.

Unfortunately morals is out the window on this one. I would also question her intelligence for sleeping with the pool boy, who is married and also a father. Maybe she does have some kind of physical beauty. But a great mother would not do this to her children's father and then laugh about it behind their father's back with her best friend.

I am sorry you are here joining the club that no one wants to join. Read about the 180 in the Healing Library tab of this website. Keep posting. You will get good advice from fellow members who have been through all of this and more. My wife was my best friend too. But this is not how a best friend treats you. This is not how love behaves. You deserve to be treated better. I am glad you are here with us but I am so sorry for your current situation. Focus on you and your children as much as possible. You will get through this. You will have scars, but you will survive it.

Sorry to hear about your situation n&e. Just a couple notes.

The other man is not a good man and his wife deserves to know what her husband has done. This shouldn't be optional for you. You would want to know so give her the same option to decide her future for herself. Don't tell anyone that you're talking to his wife or that you talked to his wife. Just do it and then walk away from it.

I also hope that you took the time to get tested for STDs. You don't know if he was the first or just one of a dozen. Getting tested is one of the things you can do to show that you care about yourself and your future health.

Your family and hers need to know what she's done. I hope that you're not keeping this quiet for anybody's sake. She chose her direction and there are consequences to it. Shielding her from those consequences only solidifies in her mind that she can do what she wants and you don't have the backbone to say anything to anyone about it.

I hope also that you've been getting your financial house in order. You should be handling all financial matters at this point. You should also have eliminated all joint accounts and removed her or your name off of anything that you're both signed onto. Set yourself up for future success by accomplishing this before the divorce papers get filed.

Your wife obviously left the marriage a long time ago. She's been playing you and formulated a plan to leave you. She's now at the point that she's moved her plan up to the current year. I'm hoping you've already caught onto this and that you've formulated your divorce and future plans. If you haven't, she's ahead of you and you need to play catch-up.

It would be a good idea to get angry now. Not violent or ranting angry, but resolved angry. Resolve to get yourself out of infidelity and resolve to take your life back. You've allowed enough water under the bridge since discovery that you know the direction things are going. Your wife doesn't want to waste any effort on you or the marriage. It's time to take full decisive control of the train-wreck, see your lawyer, have her served, and move your life forward without her.

I'm hoping that you've saved whatever evidence you found of her affair for use in the divorce proceedings as well as for giving copies of the proof to the other man's wife and your family as needed.

Never again be the 'nice guy' for her. Don't allow any breaking of the rules and don't allow her to take anything of yours in a divorce settlement. Don't be provoked by her anger, actions, or attitude. Rather be calm and firm and ensure that you take care of your future.

Always remember that you had nothing to do with her choices. This is all 100% on her. Also remember that you are the prize, not her. She's not who you thought she was and she's not worth you. She's broken the marriage covenant so you are free of any obligations to her or her needs. You are number one now. Take care of yourself like you would a best friend. You and the stability that you bring to your other family members are what matters now. I wish the best for you.

What dismayed said. The asshole who fucked a married woman behind her husband's back is by definition not a good man. She has checked out of the marriage. Blow everything up. Tell his BOW, your in laws etc.

My wife was my best friend

Definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy

You are being very accommodating to your cheating wife.

What's it gotten you?

Until you get out of denial of what you are in nothing is going to change.

It appears from your post she controls you and everything else. It seems you live in fear. Fear is a liar and will keep you bond.

Do yourself a favor. Download and read "No More Mr Nice a Guy" by Glover. It's short, free and may help you.

The pool guy is a snake and you should inform his wife.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:43 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with this. I personally would advise to tell the OBS, as I personally can relate to keeping it from her to make you feel guilty.

During this particular discussion with her, she said, “don’t you want to try something new and exciting”?

If I may ask, what was the "new and exciting" thing she was referring to?

We have been trying to reconcile and recently I thought it was a possibility. Evan though so many of her texts I read discussed leaving me but now is not the time because of the kids. I felt there have been a lot of games going on. I was trying to trust and believe her when she said there were no more games. She is very good at turning what I say on me.

R requires remourse from a wayward spouse, transparency, honesty and the wayward pulling the biggest load. You aren't in R.

You have taught her too well how she can treat you. Why would she do anything different?

Morals, intelligence, beauty, and a great mother.

Sorry man but your are delusional

I'm not sure what you're looking for here. Your wife screwed you over. Yet your post reads like a puff piece for how good of a person she is. And let's not forget about her boyfriend who is cheating on his pregnant wife yet he is such a good man.

To help yourself, you need to come to terms with the truth first.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:57 PM, July 17th (Wednesday)]

As you can see, this place has no sympathy for the wayward. Don't take it too hard, they just want you to see her without emotion. I got the same replies when I said nice things about my cheating wife. I don't think certain qualities are mutually inclusive but most are.

You know your wife better than anyone here, but I have seen that most cheaters are all pretty much the same. Each one is unique but their behavior is pretty predictable.

Everyone that has replied to my situation gave me something of value. I might not want to hear it right now but sometimes that is what we need the most.

Good luck!

Inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse), Newandexciting. She needs to know to protect herself. What if she's been the recipient of an STD compliments of her WH which hasn't shown any symptoms. What if her baby has, too. There are more than s few women on SI who have developed very serious and life threatening conditions because of this.

Pool boy gets around. How many pools does he do whatever pool boys do during the day when wives are home and husbands are at work? Does WW's best friend have a pool and the same pool boy? Her husband, if she has one, should be informed. The company pool boy works for should be informed of his dalliances, too.

Given the kind of work he does he could well have carried diseases and passed them around. Condoms don't protect for everything, including pregnancy. Minimum requirement of WW is to get tested for STDs. You should too even if she does.

Forget about couples counselling. You are right. It's a venue for your WW to re-traumatize you with the backing of a "professional". If you would just smarten up, rugsweep everything, accept responsibility for everything then everything would be wonderful. FOR HER.

I concur with the comments made above regarding her qualities as a wife and mother. They are spot on. As you've found out she's none of what you thought she was.

I'm sorry for the reason you're here in this community. None of us wanted to or ever thought we would be in this community. However, given the circumstances, it was a great community for you to find. Hang in there, man. You can get through it.

Hey, I hear you. My STBXWW screwed a drifter cowboy who was new in town. I kid you not. It's almost laughable how much of a POS he turned out to be in the end. She actually assaulted him twice because she was so angry at having sold the farm for so little. But for a little while he made her feel like the prettiest and smartest girl in the room.

You are at the early stages of this process and even though you will get great advice from people way smarter thán me, you will not listen. That's okay. No one does until they are ready to. You basically gave to go through each stage and fullybtesolve it before you can move on. It's hard and painful and basically licks balls. But there is no way around it.

You are at the stage where you are looking at the person you thought you were married to. She is dreamy and nice and wonderful and just lost her way, accidentally falling into some guys dick. The ACTUAL woman you are married to does not resemble the fictionalized version of her. This took me a long time to internalize.

Once the process plays out and you detox enough, you will get angry. Angry is good. You will discover your inner warrior dude hiding somewhere deep in the recesses and call him out. You and he will quietly walk over to your wife's purse, open it and take your fucking balls back. At this point I would calibrate with the boys and "the boys" because you are back!

Now your balls may be smaller than you remember. That's okay. They probably shrunk after years of neglect. But man, with the ropercare and feeding, they grow, sometimes enormously. And here is the kicker. You WW will begin to find you more attractive because she can't control you. New kicker.

Since you have detoxed and become huge shiny new balls guy, you can look at the situation with a level of objectivity you didn't have previously. What I discovered at this point was I didn't love the POS my wife had turned into. In fact, not only did I not like her, I would not even date her. Vain, self centered, and dull as a rock. I knew I had my power back when she tried to come into me after our separation saying she missed physical intimacy. I told her, "Good luck with that" and went to bed. Couldn't even fake giving a shit. Man did that screw with her noodle.

The point of my beer induced rant is this: you are going to be fine if you decide to don your battle gear and see yourself as a ma who has the duty and honour of carrying the mantle of manhood passed down to him by generations of men before him. I'm not saying be misogynistic, cause that's creepy, but I am saying stop being passive. I dont want you to walk in and act like you bought the place, I want you to say THIS IS MY FUCKING HOUSE AND YOU WILL NOT DISRESPECT ME IN IT! Now what you do after that in terms of R is up to you. But I guarantee that you will begin to fe like you have control back. It's a long hard road a d you have to walk every mile of it. But it will be worth it. You are the man. Now be the man.

Newandexciting,

All rhe above posters and the posters next to this one have been through this. We know how it is,how it feels. We’ve alsoread hundreds of stories, the guides have read thousands.

Cheaters are pretty much the same, the scenarios don’t vary much, most cheaters are cliché.

Some posters are a bit harsh with you but we all want what is best for you.

We read your story. What it tells us is that your WW is unrepentant, no remorse for what she has done to you and your children (they will be impacted).

There’s two way out of infidelity: Reconciliation and Divorce. Because of your WW behavior at this point, most advice you will get is start walking towards D.

Rugs weeping won’t work. I’ve done that mistake and got years of pain. So, like the others have said:

-STD test

-inform OBS

-inform best friend husband (from what I read, the best friend might be doing the same thing)

- get your ducks in a row financially

- consult with a lawyer

- inform your wife that you refuse to stay married to a woman who will hurt you this way and break a family without second thoughts.

Have you saved the evidence?

I would give a « good » review of that pool cleaning company as well.

Thank you all and I welcome more. The honesty is greatly appreciated. The formation is greatly appreciated. I am sorry to be here but thankful for your support:

You say you tried to forget the affair. That's never going to happen and don't let her make you feel guilty for not being able to "get over it". At best, you will live with the affair, it will become part of your history but you will never forget.

As far as I'm concerned, your wife is not doing what she should to respect your hurt and anger. There seems to be very little remorse and even less plans for change.

Tread carefully, don't rugsweep this. As tempting as it is to go back to your normal life, whatever that was, remember that your normal life wasn't good enough for her and she turned to someone else. Who is to say she won't again?

Are you sure this was her first affair?

She needs to be more accountable and I suggest firmer boundaries for you. Your life, your terms, you call the shots.

Let her work her way back into your life. Let her build the trust again. It's on her now.

Good luck. You sound like a very caring man and I hope she will realize how lucky she is.

Let me add something else here. Just an observation but I think it's worse than the affair with the pool guy. Here are some things you posted:

I found our previous therapy sessions to be nothing more than a safe area for her to blame me for everything

My wife was being frequently more critical of my inabilities to do anything she approved of. She said I needed to start working on myself. Because “if I don’t start working on me, there will be no we.”

Any time I tried to discuss “us” with her, I got a severe backlashing.

After reading many discussions of my wife and her best friend speaking very negatively/condescending of me and anything I do...

What is happening here is the general overall mindset your wife has toward you is one of negativity and criticism and faultfinding while she is simply unwilling to admit any fault of her own. I experienced this also. In fact at one therapy session my wife literally got up and left and basically said that I am the one who needs therapy and not her because I am the source of the problems.

Anyway, as long as this toxic cancerous attitude continues to manifest itself there is no hope for healing and growth. It is worse than the affair in my opinion. I experienced it also and it will drive you insane questioning yourself and will wear you out with trying to do everything right in order to please your spouse while she does nothing because she does not feel that there is anything wrong with her. This attitude results in her feeling entitled to cheat because if you would only do better and work on yourself then she would not have had to cheat so it's basically all your fault. Until that attitude changes she will continue to justify bad behavior and not be a safe partner for you. I think this attitude is worse than the cheating and is at the root of the problem with her.

I find it interesting that when you stood up to her behavior she gave up on the marriage. She wants you back, but wants the old you back, not the new you back!

Make sense?

It's only going to get worse.

Your kids are counting on you so please get out of the infidelity you are living with and get rid of the one person that brings out the worst in you.

You can be a better father with out your old lady so move on with out her.

In short... the mental issues your old lady has are not healthy for you or your kids so get out, work on your self, and work on a co-parenting plan.

Again...your old ladies unhealthy choices are going to get worse with out professional help.

If you want to be a knight in shinning armor...then be one for your kids. Their mother is losing it....in fact she already lost it.

I bet if you sat down with the kids, they both will tell you their mother is not the same person. This has nothing to do with you or them....something just broke with in their mother and until she admits she is broken she has no reason to fix it for you/the marriage or for her kids.

Sorry this will be painful, but all the signs are there. This pool boy is only the tip of the iceberg. There is more going on with her. Until your old lady faces her demons and can reclaim an emotionally healthy life she is emotionally unhealthy to raise teenagers or be in a committed relationship.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 12:52 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]

You okay, Newandexciting?