SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Dear friends

I need your advises ASAP.

I am a French men (45YO), married to an American girl from Chicago for 9 years, we had a great relationship. I love her so much even she didn’t want to have kids, so we stayed in a lovely relationship with HUGE TRUST, we trusted each other a lot

Past 15 months, I had to travel overseas a lot to stay with my DAD who was sick (he passed away 5 months ago). I stayed with DAD for 2 months and come back home for 2 months and so on , and we were on the phone on a daily basis.

My wife loves music , and she told me about a guy (FRIEND) and she likes to go with him to music festivals since they meet over a ticket exchange and had same music tests. She told me that he made sure he knows that I exist in her life so he won’t think other wise???? I DON”T THINK SO?????

In the last month, she told me that she meet this guy with his friends at a FISH FESTIVAL, all of his friends are married with kids except him divorced and has more time to go to shows.

Upon my return 2 weeks ago I noticed the following

1- She changed her laptop password

2- She keeps the phone all the time even when she goes to toilet

3- Always texting the same guy even late night (she said that they are just talking about music, tickets etc). TEXTING EVERY DAY. I just drove her to PA and back so she can attend a festival, and she was on the phone all the time, and when ever sshe pluged the phone to the car to charge it. I saw notification of his messages all the time

4- She deleted all messages, BUT I SAW these messages (

1- He texted her on a morning ( “ARE YOU ALIVE,,, (with a BIG KISS logo)”

2- “Go dance Baby girl”

3- “ I will show you how to fix that computer issue BABE”

4- She texted him one time (“You got it BABY,,, I just booked the 2 seats for the concert”) ( she told me about the concert and she is inviting him as a friend

My WIFE, never take selfies on beds, but one DAY, She took a selfie holding one tit lying on bed at 9.00 am????

5- I went to browsing history on her IPAD and found that she just searched on Google ( Capricorn AQUARIUS relationship) on astrological websites on the day following her first date 4 weeks ago. (she is Capricorn and he is AQUARIUS according to his FB)

6- She told me that she is going to a concert with him this SATURDAY? Thinking to truck her Phone location?

7- I found on her agenda (3 dates with him), and saw a picture of BOTH of them at a brewery

I am asking you guys (especially American women) if this is more than enough that she is cheating on me even she is pretending everyday that she loves me but also on her phone all day? Or I need more proofs

THANK YOU

Please advise

Minimum it is an emotional affair, meaning she is putting more energy into their relationship than yours. NOT OK.

Most likely it is more with the selfie, and the pet names- "baby".

You don't need more as far as I am concerned.

What does this man act like when you are around?

I think it's time for you to figure out what you want and then bust it open. Have a plan before calling them out.

Were just friends is the biggest lie told. They are having dates so most likely it's a sexual affair.

Of course you don't want to believe it but it is what it is.

IMO you don't wallow in this but like most you want absolute proof so if you need it keep your mouth shut eyes and ears open. You'll only get lies if you confront without proof. VAR's (voice activated records) in her car or in the house where she talks are good but if you could afford a PI its th best route but costly.

Go online and check your phone bill. You'll see how lucky long it's been going on and how much contact there is by the data. Only takes about 20-30 minutes.

They've been having sex for a while now.

So what are you going to do about it?

You know the answer. You just don't want to see the obvious. You're being played for a fool.

Sorry.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here, but you will get good advice from people who have experienced this and understand what you're going through.

It really sounds like she's having a physical affair, and if it hasn't turned physical already it's about to get physical very soon. This is definitely an emotional affair. So many huge red flags here!

Agree with Marz on gathering as much proof as you can but keeping how you found it to yourself. When you confront her, DO NOT reveal how you know. There is a high possibility she will just lie about it and take the affair further underground. You don't want that. You need to be stealthy and protect yourself right now.

Please read as much as you can in "The Healing Library" section here on SI. Find it in the yellow box, upper left hand corner.

These are all very tell-tale signs of cheating. I'm so sorry. I know this is very difficult. But you deserve the truth, and you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Keep posting and asking questions. More folks will be along to offer their thoughts and advice. Hang in there Patrique.

I'd be shocked if they're not having sex already. Even if they're not screwing each other, this "friendship" has crossed so many lines that it's at least an emotional affair. Don't let her convince you they're "just friends".

I find it interesting that she is telling you all about him and the concerts, and that she is not hiding her text notifications from you.

It is always possible that she has just gotten caught up in the excitement of music and new friends and is just relishing the attention. That does not make it right, of course, and that has to stop if you are uncomfortable. But I would caution restraint until you know more. Installing a couple of VARs in her car and in the house sounds like a good idea to gather more information.

Have you asked her to hand you her phone (unlocked)? Try that. Have you asked about the password change on her computer? Do that. If she has nothing to hide she should agree to those things.

Have you met this guy? Do you know whether the talking about music extends to talking about his divorce or the state of your marriage? It definitely should not.

Opinions here vary all over the place, as we are all individuals. But there is nearly universal agreement that suspecting an affair, but not knowing for sure, is a special kind of hell. So find a way to find out more first.

Bonjour Patrique,

You already KNOW what's going on. This is not a court of law, you don't need proof.

She shows all signs of cheating.

Sit her down and tell her that you love her, but you are hurt by her relationship with this man.

My advice is to put on your poker face and tell her you KNOW what is happening, and she has ONE chance to come clean and tell you everything. She will lie (of course) and tell you there's nothing going on, which is when you tell her she has ONE chance RIGHT NOW to give you her phone and computer and all passwords to prove how ridiculous you are being. She will almost certainly refuse, telling you that it is an invasion of privacy, and that you are being controlling. If (when) that happens you tell her...

(Wife), I already KNOW what's going on, and you are free to continue your relationship with this man, or any other you choose, but not as my wife. You have shown that you value your relationship with him above me and my feelings and my pain.

Don't let her divert you with accusations about you being away much of the time. Acknowledge the issue and her feelings and tell her that you will get back to that issue, but right now, you are talking about her relationship with another man. Say as little as possible to avoid getting emotional and caught up in a endless loop of conversation.

Then, you WATCH to see what she DOES. Don't listen to what she SAYS. She should be willing to to ANYTHING to save her marriage, don't you think? ANYTHING. (The first thing she will do to try to wriggle out of this mess is delete her phone and computer contents, then let you check - that's my prediction)

I hope I've been wrong with my expectations of her, Patrique, but you must be willing to lose this marriage in order to get yourself out of infidelity, Patrique.

Even if it was not physical yet (we don’t know for sure), she is not behaving like a married woman, her behavior is completely inappropriate.

You need to get out of this situation. You will either have to:

a. Confront

b. Gather more evidence

Confronting would involve explaining to her that she’s free to date and go out with any men she wants, but not as your wife. Ask for all passwords, cut off all contact with these men, ask for the complete truth, which you’ll be verifying with a polygraph.

Gathering more evidence would mean installing VARs, maybe hire a PI to follow her at the concert.

La seule façon de traiter ce genre de situation est avec calme mais de pied ferme, sans te laisser influencer par tes émotions envers ta femme. La pire chose qui puisse t’arriver n’est pas de perdre ta femme, mais plutôt de vivre dans une situation d’adultère.

She told me that she is going to a concert with him this SATURDAY? Thinking to truck her Phone location?

Sounds like a date that people who are dating do.

Is the date local or overnight?

Women do not send bed selfies holding a tit to guys who they are not sleeping with or planning to sleep with. At least in my experience.

Are you ready to put some limits on what you will stand for?

Have no idea if she wants to his house or not

She is smart, she daily delete texte messages

So a Woman will never a Friend (babe)

I am pretty sure that this marriage will end soon? Can not trust her anymore!!

Feel I wasted 9 years and sacrificing having kids for a women she doesn’t deserve it

Will check the possibility to put VAR in her car! Hope there are abailable in walmart or target etc

Merci pour vos conseils

Thanks for helping me

First off so sorry to hear about your Father.

How messed up is this that when you should be grieving the loss of your dad you have to deal with this nonsense.

There is NO WAY I would be good with my wife calling any man "babe" or "baby". With all the other things you mentioned this doesn't look good.

This relationship needs to END ASAP!!! She needs to call him and put him on the speaker phone with you there so that you can hear her tell him it's over. No more contact..phone calls, texts, emails, snapchat etc.

Now as for the marriage ending I would make her take a polygraph and go from there. She refuses to take it file divorce papers immediately. She needs to give you access to everything (no more pass codes). If everything has been deleted (emails, texts, phone log, etc) again a HUGE sign it has gone physical.

If your wife has a problem (or hesitates at all about ending this relationship) it will give you your answer.

Time to get out in front of this and that date this Saturday needs to be nipped in the bud.

You can get a Sony fairly reasonable at Walmart, Best Buy, etc. get the good batteries. Velcro to hold it in place. Read the instructions and turn off the alarm sound when it activates.

Get two for the car and the home.

If you need to know.

At the very least it's an emotional affair (EA) which is cheating. Most likely, though, is that they are fucking. And if they aren't yet they will be soon.

In answer to your question, yes she is cheating and she's actually doing it in front of your face.

Patrique,

I am so sorry to hear about the death of your father. You sound like a good man taking time to care for him and be with him until he passed away. It is a shame your wife was using this time as an opportunity to run around with another man.

At a minimum she is behaving very inappropriately as your wife. You should always have full access to her laptop and phone. There is a reason she is hiding these things from you is because they are incriminating. People only act this way when they have something to hide. So you at least have an emotional affair but more than likely it is also a physical affair with the terms Babe and Baby and the kissy face emoji and the selfie on the bed with her holding her tit. This is not how a faithful wife behaves.

Patrique,

She is clearly up to no good and is not acting like a faithful wife.

You need to put up boundaries regarding what you are not willing to accept in your marriage and enforce them. If she chooses to continue to behave as she has I STRONGLY recommend that you get your ducks in a row and file for divorce. Shock and awe are what will shake most cheaters out of their fantasy. If that doesn't change her ways then at least you know that divorce is what's best.

I take it you don't have kids. That makes things A LOT less complicated with regard to leaving her. That's something you should consider.

Sorry you've found us. Good luck.

This is not normal behavior for an American woman which is what you originally asked. If you are uncomfortable with the relationship with this OM, and you should be, it is well within your rights as a husband to tell her that it needs to end. I honestly don't have friends of the opposite sex. I have women I work with and spouses of friends. My wife has friends that I am friendly with but I rarely speak to them without her there and have no reason to go anywhere with a single woman that is not a work colleague and don't do it.

I don't know why your wife thinks she is entitled to this friendship. Do you refuse to go to these music events? Why don't you just tell her that now that you are home you'll be her date for these events and she doesn't need this guy. He is taking your place right now in what sounds like a big chunk of your wife's life.

Sorry you find yourself dealing with a WW even if it's an EA after having to deal with the death of your father.

You should tell her that your not comfortable with her friend. She has changed since he has been around. She is free to what she wants. And you will react accordingly. Suggest she skip all concerts with him. If she says ok, you can feel a temporary relief though the txt issue has to also be resolved. Ask her to read the book NOT JUST FRIENDS. Her boundaries are probably not where they should be if they are calling each other babe. Then watch her reactions. This will tell her if she values you or her new relationship with POSOM.

On a side note. View your banking accounts. See what she has been spending recently. Places she is buying things from. Are they things you have seen at home and are for you? This could lead to more questions if her spending habits have changed. Any charges from places she doesn't what you to know about,etc.

Why don't you just tell her that now that you are home you'll be her date for these events and she doesn't need this guy. He is taking your place right now in what sounds like a big chunk of your wife's life.

Her reaction if you tell her that you are going with her on the date will tell you alot.