SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The only way I broke through TT was becoming a detective and finding out more and more details off his phone, emails and google searches, etc. It’s pathetic that I had to investigate to make an informed decision about my M.

My WH still is not forthcoming with information, denies a lot and distracts from discussing details. Most of the time I was gaslighted, a term I never knew until therapy gave me a name for what he was doing to me. All the while, I thought I was going crazy and overly jealous...

It’s crazy making!!!

We can draw a line in the sand on how we allow ourselves to be treated. I am really thinking maybe this should be your focus. You have lived in abuse and you need to focused on you getting healthy IMHO, not him

This is where I am at and you should be too.

My WW is a multiple cheater who I suspect of being a serial cheater. My detective skills are broken, I drink now. My "gives a shit" is gone. I'm sure I don't have the truth. Not pushing, waiting for her to get things in motion.

[This message edited by lostfather at 6:18 AM, August 6th (Tuesday)]

Relentless detective work and research is the only way I broke through my WHs 9 years of serial cheating TT. He confessed the last PA to me because the OBS was about to tell me. All of the other As I discovered through combing his email accounts, saved files and Facebook. I probably don't and never will know everything. After two years I am starting to accept that. He's never admitted to anything that I haven't found first. Once I know he will provide info (if pushed) but he never volunteers it.

On the positive side he has given me full access to all his accounts, and I discovered the other As on accounts that he gave me full access to. I have no sense that in 2 years he's been anything but remorseful and open -he has not hidden the attempts of former APs to contact him and he has maintained no contact. He has expressed relief that I know, living the hidden life was fucking him up. He used to be a ghost, here, but not here. Now he is here. If this wasn't the case I would absolutely be gone. If this changes I will go. No second chances. Because at that point it will be clear that he is incapable of an honest relationship.

That said, R is hard. Knowing that the extent to which the As made a rough time in our lives harder for me than it needed to be and how unsupported I really was is hard to forgive. Losing 9 years of memories is hard. Family trips to CA, Florida, Maine, Yellowstone, Canada are now intertwined with his As. I can't look at pictures with him in them. I call him the ghost. We should have a really strong M and his constant cheating weakened us. It weakened him. He is trying to build himself back up, but he dug a pretty deep hole.

I know we aren't supposed to compare the severity of As but when I see someone devistated over a single, short A, I think that at least only a short period of their life is fucked up. With a long term serial cheater there is so much more because they kept on doing it and, until caught, they probably never would have stopped.

The only good thing is that it is clear with this type of A that the cheating is about them and not about you, the APs or the M. It's totally about them. Long term serial cheaters are all selfish and either narcissistic, broken or missing some piece.

Babette, I get you on this. When I found out about my H’s LTA I was shattered. Thought it was me. I wasn’t good enough. I compared myself and I could go on. When I found out it was more women I was devastated. Then I found out he has a ONS on his LTA partner (if it is possible to cheat on the person you are cheating with) and then I realized OMG it isn’t me. Even the OW wasn’t enough. He lied to her too. It was oddly freeing.

I also agree that I don’t like to compare but some infidelity is so much deeper and spans so much more time.

@jesusismyanchor, I know. If it is just one other person I think there would always be the fear that they really preferred someone else. When it's alot of other people then you know it isn't you. Although I don't think all serial cheaters are the same, I do think that they all have some other thing driving them, either the thrill or the affirmation or the sex or the ego. After awhile you almost realize that the details of their As almost don't matter - the whole thing is just a lying mindset.

How many affairs must someone have before being classified as a serial cheater?

My WH has had 2 A as far as I know. I question if that is all.

My WH thinking blows my mind. The mental gymnastics he has done to justify his actions, the few times we have had deep conversations about his cheating.

I have come to accept that he will only change or come to light bulb moment on his own. There is nothing I can do to help him see how damaging his actions are/ have been.

I am a believer so I pray often for a miracle.

My WH was sexually abused as a young child, by a woman. He never told anyone till me.(much later in life)

I think this has greatly affected all his relationships in life. And I think he secretly hates women bc of it.

Bc of my experience I wonder how many Serial cheaters have been sexually abused.

If ever find myself single and dating one of the questions I will ask before seriously getting involved with someone as if they were sexually abused at any point and I like and did not seek help for it

With a long term serial cheater there is so much more because they kept on doing it and, until caught, they probably never would have stopped.

Not sure if my WH is technically a serial cheater since most of it was virtual, but this quote is exactly what gets to me. He would still be doing this had I not found out and it likely would have continued to escalate in severity. Not sure how to even begin to get past this.

[This message edited by landclark at 6:33 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]

How did I break through their lies? The last time, I was out of town for work and called home, the kids answered. Asked to talk to their mom and they told me she had to drive her "friend" home because he spent the night last night. Of course, she didn't answer her cell for a while. When she did, she first complained about how all the kids slept in our bed and their was no room for her. When I asked about her "friend", she said he slept downstairs so it wasn't a big deal. Then I pointed out how she already admitted she didn't sleep in bed.

I asked why we were still doing this and she could have just said it wasn't working and we could have proceeded to D. So that was when I said we were done and I would file. She needed to sleep in another room when I came home.

So, how did you break through their hard shell of lies/TT?

The bloated sense of entitlement and the attacks upon our character when questioned about the cheating

Well, I never broke through the "hard shell of lies." To this day (4 years divorced, after ~7 years of off again, on again cheating), she still will text me occasionally and say she wishes to be friends, but that SHE'S not ready to make amends yet. WTF?

Yes, the entitlement is strong in that one.

Some people are just wired to believe their own bullshit. YOU can't change them.

I think a better question is: How did you heal from the gaslighting and lies?

For me, separation was a big one. It gave me the space to realize (remember?) that "normal" people don't have constant crises, non-stop lies, having to always play detective, ...

But what got through to me the most was the realization that I couldn't control her actions, and that wishing she would stop so we could be happy, wasn't going to make me happy. I could CHOOSE to be happy, but that meant making my choices independent of what she said/did. That meant I had to leave her for my sanity. Once I came to that conclusion and did leave her, the lifting of the mental games just reinforced how much happier I was.

[This message edited by WornDown at 11:20 AM, August 7th (Wednesday)]