SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Listen, we're all glad you found SI, and I know it's tough to read some of the advice given. Especially when it goes against what you're wanting to hear.

At some point you're going to have to deal with this. You can stick your head in the sand and pretend like everything is ok ("because you love this woman" and "you want to have a family" with her). It's better to confront it now despite how painful it is.

Have you ever heard this phrase before, "you can't change what you're afraid to confront"?

I think RubixCubed nailed it when he said, "you are in love with who you thought she was, but she was NEVER that person".

Think about this, do you really want to be with someone, while married to you, said this to another man, "I think about you from morning to night and frequently dream about you" and "just so you know, I think about you in more ways than one...".

Your wife can try to spin this any which way she desires, but let's be honest here, she is flat out LYING to you when she says there was no sex.

Go back and read the messages you found (that you've posted here) and tell me she didn't have sex with this guy. There's a reason why the truth shall set you free, because lies keep you from dealing with the reality of a situation and until she's willing to come clean (and not just be a cheater but a liar as well) this whole situation and trying to rectify it is one big exercise in futility.

Chamomile is correct, being a parent is extremely difficult, and in order for it to work, there has to be enormous trust in the relationship and her claiming "she can't remember" doesn't just show she isn't trustworthy but she's also taking you to be a fool.

You are also correct saying that the bullet points you've listed are "insane"!!!

Picture this, it's early Sunday morning, you go into your kitchen to make yourself some coffee, and you look out on your patio to see your wife sitting there, deep in thought, smiling.

What thoughts are going to be running through your head based upon all these "insane" bullet point comments that you know about which let you into her mind about how much she loved this other man (while she was engaged and married to you)?

And when you called her out on it she didn't have the courage (nor any respect for you) to help you try to understand this MAJOR BETRAYAL, she, like a four yr old kid, obviously guilty as hell, looked you in the eyes and said "she can't remember".

I know you want this all to go away, and we all certainly understand how painful this. You think it hurts now? The only shot you have of achieving what you're seeking (a new relationship that's built on trust and hopefully to be blessed with children) is to deal with the truths of the situation. If your wife isn't willing to come clean and show that she really does want the same things as you and is willing to quit acting like a child by claiming she "can't remember" than why in the world would you want to be with this woman?

Saying you love her sounds good, but she is flat out showing you by her actions and her words that she not only doesn't love you but she takes you for a chump.

You get one shot at this thing called life. If you don't get the truth now, get ready for countless times ahead when you see your wife off in thought and it hits you like an eighteen wheeler wondering if she's thinking about this other guy.

Ouch! takeonhe.

"...laying next to you..."

"...I think about you in more ways than one..."

Do you need more evidence that she was sleeping with this guy?

I feel really bad for you having found this out now. She lied to you before the alter, at the alter, and after the alter. That sucks royally.

Consider if this is something you can move on from. Some guys can, others can't. Take some time to think about your options and whether you really want to have a family with this woman. Can you trust her to be faithful. You said that your trials have brought you both closer. Are you projecting your feelings upon her or is she really closer? How will you ever know considering she spent that year lying to you and leaving the door open for some future with the other man. Do you really know how she feels about you now? You apparently didn't know then.

I wish the best for you. Again, take some time to decide if this is really your 'soul-mate' or if you've been deluding yourself and projecting all these years. It's interesting that she's acting like she doesn't remember. With statements that strong, you have to know in your heart that she couldn't have forgotten. So why is she lying to you now?

I would quietly arrange to get your wife and her "true love" in the same room together, congratulate them on the new life that they will now be free to share, hand Romeo the $50,000 bill for the fertility treatments, then scoot my ass right out the door towards a better life that would undoubtedly include an honest woman with whom I could raise that family that I've always wanted.

Agree 100%.

I would quietly arrange to get your wife and her "true love" in the same room together, congratulate them on the new life that they will now be free to share, hand Romeo the $50,000 bill for the fertility treatments, then scoot my ass right out the door towards a better life that would undoubtedly include an honest woman with whom I could raise that family that I've always wanted.

Agree 100%.

I would quietly arrange to get your wife and her "true love" in the same room together, congratulate them on the new life that they will now be free to share, hand Romeo the $50,000 bill for the fertility treatments, then scoot my ass right out the door towards a better life that would undoubtedly include an honest woman with whom I could raise that family that I've always wanted.

Agree 100%.

Yes, I know the marriage may have been good over the last few years but the depravity of what she did and the fact that you were plan B or even half of plan A when you should have been plan ONLY from the outset means that you marriage was built on a fraudulent foundation.

I feel for your pain but your willingness to double down on R and even consider having a child with this woman while trying to weed through your thoughts here is baffling to me.

Oh and btw, she can remember and it is naive to believe that there wasn't sex.

You have difficult decisions to make and I am sorry you are here

I haven't read the replies from the good folks here, but please do take their advice into account. The BSes here know so damn well the pain that comes from infidelity and how we best navigated through our own particular coping pathways, whether the marriages ended or continued.

I D'd, but only because my cheater left me for the AP. Luckily--and I didn't see it as being lucky at the time, but now know just how lucky I was--she told me jack shit about the affair. The only thing I asked and she confirmed was if she had feelings for the guy. Her leaving me was the best thing to happen because I truly don't know if I could've ever gotten over it. My life is way better as a result, and you know what, I'm sure hers is, too. It was the worst period of time I ever lived through, but I came out alive and thriving, and others can, too.

That said, it turns my stomach to read even the shortest conversations between spouse and affair partner. It's disgusting how someone can deceive you so greatly while proclaiming their Undying Love (TM) for some other bastard/bitch. I don't know how people can go on knowing those details and still want to look in the face of this piece of shit who BETRAYED YOU SO GREATLY, in the 3rd worst way a spouse can only after murder and physical abuse, and sleep next to them on top of it!

You know what you can and can't deal with. The best advice I can give to you is to really, really think about what you can and can't live with. You don't have children, and that's really the glue holding so many of these reconciling post-infidelity marriages together. You have an opportunity to get the hell out of there! Divorce sucks, but after the dust settles, you see it for the gift that it can be as long as you're not standing in your own way. Food for thought. Godspeed to you. Keep posting and we'll keep listening.

Michigan stated:

Don’t bring an innocent child into this. Your wife failed the marriage “stress test” overwhelmingly. Find a new woman and start a family with her. There must be better women than your wife out there.

I couldn’t agree more.

There is no fixing this.

She will always keep that hidden fantasy-seeking aspect of her separate from you and will act on it again.

Only next time, there may be children involved.

You’re young and can do much, much better than this adulterous time bomb.

She is one of those people who are destined to fuck her children up over her selfish fantasy bullshit.