SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

MC was mentioned above to help you deal with these feelings. I would respectfully disagree. IMO you should explore your feeling yourself through IC.

The reaction to the triggers suggest to me that they have not been adequately dealt with. Apparently 70% of BS will have PTSD. I did or, more accurately, do. Dealing with the PTSD means developing tools and techniques that minimize the effects triggers have on you. I've stated before on SI that I think you never fully heal from PTSD but learn how to keep it under control. The reason I wonder about this with you is the comment you made about flashback, anxiety and rage. Fully understand.

Back to the IC. I think IC (on top of dealing with PTSD) can be used to help you sort out those questions about whether you want to work on this or if it is done for you. If it is done make that decision. If there is a chance that there is something to reconcile invest fully.

As others have asked, what has your WH done towards working on himself and healing the marriage?

In my mind D is never off the table for adultery.

4 years October 1. My FWH goes out of his way to prove that he deserves being married to me every day. Still goes to counseling twice per month. Still attends weekly 12 step meetings for the SA. Still validates me and tells me how lucky he is every day. Still shows respect, understanding and compassion when I am sad or angry. Never gets defensive or refuses me access to anything. Is always scrupulously honest, even when he knows I won't be happy about the situation. He is becoming an adult with adult coping mechanisms. Although I do not think they ever truly "get it", he seems to be able to in a way that supports me. He works his a$$ off. I often feel grateful when I read the posts of others who struggle with un-remorseful spouses or who have spouses who have stopped the work on themselves. That being said, I never, ever forget. Some days are really hard. We learn to live with the ramifications of the cheating, we do not get over it or forget it or stop thinking about it. In a nutshell: It sucks. I also have to add that IC and MC with a good counselor were and are a must. Without this, we would not have made it. ***We have since "graduated" from regular MC but go to "tune-ups" as necessary. IC is still ongoing.

Agree with Steadychevy about PTSD. I work on that in IC too.

I feel the same. No love coming back here either. Whatever thread I was hanging onto after D-Day broke after False R. The second I read the words ‘The affair never ended’ my M died.

I am approaching 1 year past dday#2 after 3 years false R.

WH has not fully done any work to own his A’s. He has not read the book I ask him to read and went to IC for a very short time. I have thought about this a lot lately. Sometimes I think I am staying bc it is what is familiar and bc I dont what to ever get close to another person again.

I don’t have that deep love for WH anymore and the sarcasm that goes on in my mind when he is telling about his day and where he went is terrible sometimes.

I do wonder if I will continue to have doubts about the relationship years from now (if I stay) and this thread confirms how many BS never fully get past doubts about the relationship

hey there jks, it's good to hear from you again. I'm sorry you're struggling now.

I'm at the 10+ years out point too, only I ended up divorced after false R. While I hate the way it all came about, I eventually realized it was a good thing, for me, to have gotten divorced.

If ex hadn't left, if he had even half-assed his way through reconciliation, I would have stayed married to him. And I wouldn't have forgiven him (still haven't, but that doesn't matter now), and I would have grown more and more resentful over the years. Because cheating has always been a deal breaker for me.

I'm not advocating divorce for you. That's something only you can decide for yourself. I will go along with the others who said IC is a good idea. Explore why it is you still have the triggers and intense reactions this far out. Maybe it really is time to end your marriage, but maybe there's still just some of the shit you need to work through. Either way, the IC is for you, to help you figure things out.

JKS, you’ve been heard. Sorry to hear of your struggles.

I liken the post-A as running laps around a mountain, but spiraling upward. You repeatedly end up going around to where you started (D-day, affair season, all the feelings) yet because you are ever climbing, the view is different. You know things you didn’t know before. Predictions you made were proven true or false, or likely a mix. You are wiser. You have new questions naturally, given your new perspective.

Ask them. Bring it all back up again. Revisit all your assumptions. There’s no statute of limitations on wrestling with this. If it bothers you today, it is here today.

You say you haven’t forgiven. The best definition of forgiveness I’ve heard is giving up on wishing for a different past.It is all about not staring at the rear view mirror while trying to move forward.

Forgiveness is for you. It was a minor epiphany for me when I realized I can forgive dead people, or people that never knew they wronged me (guy who cut me off in traffic). Or I could bear a grudge, but who was suffering?

It was easier to forgive my wife when I realized I didn’t have to tell her. I just stopped not forgiving.

And you can forgive and divorce, or stay married. Forgiveness is about the past. Choosing to stay married is about the future. Two completely different things.

Sending strength!

As a BS in the decision making stage this an influential thread. The pure honesty is amazing. I have cried my way through it.

Thank you.

(((JustKeepSwimmig))) sorry you are having to endure this.

I am 8+ years out and also still struggling.

We reconciled and went to counseling but I have never forgiven him.

Is it even possible to forgive our WSs? It is really an unforgivable, unacceptable act.

Although there are those BSs here who have truly happily R'd,

reading this thread shows how many continue to struggle.

The best definition of forgiveness I’ve heard is giving up on wishing for a different past.It is all about not staring at the rear view mirror while trying to move forward.

Forgiveness is for you. It was a minor epiphany for me when I realized I can forgive dead people, or people that never knew they wronged me (guy who cut me off in traffic). Or I could bear a grudge, but who was suffering?

I wonder how important forgiveness is.

I think that if the WS is truly remorseful and tries to make it up to you, it helps a lot.

What's missing for you?

If you identify that, you may be able to create what you want with your current partner. If you can, great. If you can't, that seems like a source of your thinking about separating....

We can NOT control our WSs, we can only control ourselves. If we tell them what we need and they don't give it to us, we have to proceed from there.

Sisoon, you often say:

it's not the A that ends the M; it's the WS's behavior after d-day that kills R.

Nothing could be more true.

I don't think forgiveness is a one and done with something as big as infidelity. Also, in a LTR, there is constant conflict and forgiveness. I get pissed off at my fch every day. I also feel love from and for him every day. Every moment is different.

Hi JKS

It's nice to see you, but I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time.

You've been asked some very good questions and given some things to think about.

I'd like for you to take a step back with a more general question. It's a simple one, but these can be the most difficult to answer.

What do you want?