SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The key-issue is not what she says or remembers, but rather ARE YOU HAPPY?

Are you OK with her answers? Do you think that 2 months, 2 years, 20 years from now you wont be carrying resentment, anger or questions about this issue?

If you are happy with what you have, move on. Delete SI from your browser history and move on. If you think this site helped you then maybe donate. Any amount helps.

But if you still have a niggling feeling…

I think M1965 post on the unanswered issues is excellent. I would follow his suggestions.

^^THIS^^

Remember you only have to satisfy yourself, not anyone here. This is a bit of a no win situation. If your wife remembers every detail, someone here is going to tell you its because she had a "special" night. If she remembers little, you'll be told she's hiding something.

You seem to have a reasonable attitude about this based on your relationship with your wife. Don't let anyone here turn a surface scratch in your relationship, into a crack, if there is nothing else there.

Good Luck!

toughtotrust,

Thank you!

I have to admit I don't know how to feel!!!

Sometimes I think I should let it go because it’s 20 years ago and we have an awesome relationship, then I think

well here goes... another attempt to bury it until it comes back again sometime in the future! I don’t have any control over any of this or my emotions. I’m told that if I get information to fill in the blanks, that I can put it to rest! That’s what I’m attempting to do over the weekend! I want to bury it like it doesn’t matter anymore, but I can’t!

Go with whatever works for you. But you have to be honest with yourself about whether you are convinced that you have the whole story with her answers to your questions or whatever information you've gleaned. Otherwise you will not be able to move on and are just postponing things. Good luck, hope you and your wife works through this successfully.

Thanks for your input!

Your comments are a downer at this point. All I can do now is inquire a little more, then give it up and accept the fact that we were both 18 and young people make more bad decisions than most. It’s because we are best friends and have always been that will give me comfort despite any doubts about what may have happened

Sorry about that. The purpose of this forum it seems to me is to help the BS survive infidelity. This often means 2x4s as experience shows that rug-sweeping in the present just leads to more problems in the future. So the intention is not to berate you but to assist you in dealing with your then girlfriends potential infidelity and how it impacts on your marriage now.

If you explain to your wife that you need the truth before you can make any decisions and that you truly love her and want to be with her but cannot just let this go for your own future well being and the health of the marriage.

Sorrowful moon, you're being melodramatic about the guy telling his friends all he did was line dance on a date. Haven't you ever been out with a member of the opposite gender and not had sex?

Believe it or not, people do that all the time!

I'm not sure I totally agree Trrd. In those particular circumstances where the sister was encouraging her to dump Reen and take up with this guy; where that was a sexual charge around the pool; where the whole point of them going out was abandoned with a questionable excuse and where they then danced together; where they lived in the same block of flats and where she lied to her future husband about the night in question. I recollect I actually took my best friend's gf to an end of term dance at his request when he was away as he felt guilty about missing it. So yes nothing happened and we had a good time but entirely different circumstances I would suggest. As it materialised he was actually trying to set us up as he wanted out of the relationship. I found this out later but although she seemed keen I actually wasn't interested......So there was a hidden motive even to this apparently innocent event.

Sorrowfulmoon,

Thank you for replying!

She may have had physical relations with this fella. If she did, I think she will minimize or deny it completely. I’ll never know!!! That’s the thing! Seems like the most I can expect is acknowledgement, regret and a few facts about the circumstances.

At this point, I’m emotionally exhausted!

After 20 years of living with my best friend and enjoying a wonderful marriage, I hope that that’s enough to put this behind me!!!

Sorrowfulmoon,

Thank you for replying!

She may have had physical relations with this fella. If she did, I think she will minimize or deny it completely. I’ll never know!!! That’s the thing! Seems like the most I can expect is acknowledgement, regret and a few facts about the circumstances.

At this point, I’m emotionally exhausted!

After 20 years of living with my best friend and enjoying a wonderful marriage, I hope that that’s enough to put this behind me!!!

Your last post does not bode well for you putting this behind you. If anything, it is an indication that this will just fester in your mind until it builds to the point that you can't ignore it as you are trying to do so now. I hope you find the will to address this now and your wife comes around and realizes that the sooner she completely provides you with all the answers you request the sooner you both can continue on with your lives.

[This message edited by Atrowspark at 12:21 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Reen, I sent you a pm

Reen the battlefield is your mind.

If you want to forget about this than just drop it and move forward and live your life.

However, you just said, "then I think well here goes....another attempt to bury it until it comes back again sometime in the future. I don't have any control over any of this or my emotions".

This is obviously still (and has been bothering) you for many years. This is no way to live. You obviously just want to know the truth. So your gut instinct was right that you knew she lied to you way back when.

Your gut (your mind) isn't going to just drop this. It WILL continue to linger and nag at you until you feel like you have the truth.

This is just my opinion. I think deep down in your soul you think that not only did your wife lie to you about this guy/date/night but that she also had sex with him that night and that's why she's lied about it all these years.

You want the truth but your fear of finally knowing what you've thought happened twenty yrs ago is keeping you from opening Pandora's box (which is certainly understandable). However not knowing WILL continue to nag at you.

So you're damned if you do damned if you don't.

If you have the relationship with your wife that you think you have than she should be willing to give you the truth since this is (and has been.....and more importantly will continue to) bother you.

She just randomly brought it up recently after twenty yrs?

If she loves you than she should be willing to do whatever you need in order to settle this once and for all in your mind or it's going to continue to fester and come back up time and time again.

If it were me I would ask her if she'd be willing to take a polygraph? If she says "yes" schedule it. If she says "no" ask her why not? If nothing happened why the need to lie about it then but more importantly why the need to lie about it for TWENTY yrs and why the need to randomly bring it up recently?

Ask yourself this, if she fails, and it comes out that she did indeed have sex with this guy twenty yrs ago, would you leave her? What would this do to your marriage?

If it's as good as you think it is (the marriage) than why would learning the truth about what she did twenty yrs ago damage it? Your marital foundation is truly solid as rock or it's not and if it's not than that means the two of you have been lying/pretending with one another. In reality.....living a lie.

The results of a polygraph come out one of two ways.

She's telling the truth and that nothing happened at which point the nagging thoughts in your soul are put to bed and you rest comfortably knowing that you didn't let FEAR keep you from confronting this situation.

Or.

It's determined she was lying and she did have sex with this guy twenty yrs ago. At which point you'll have the truth, and the two of you can start addressing the elephant that's been in your relationship for twenty yrs.

Yes your fear will now have been determined to be true, but Reen it doesn't have to mean your relationship with this woman is over. It will hopefully start the process of getting your marriage/relationship on a TRUE SOLID FOUNDATION and not on lies and deceit.

One could certainly understand why she would keep this secret all of these yrs (if it is indeed true) as she feared you would leave her. Is this really the way the two of you want to live your life together?

Her having to keep this huge lie fearing that if the truth is ever revealed her world is going to blow up and you always wondering what really happened and more importantly why your wife doesn't trust you enough to tell you the truth so that she can help you settle your restless spirit.

Assure her that you are NOT going anywhere no matter what.

Even if she lied.

She either trusts you enough to tell you the truth and if she doesn't why continue on with this charade of a marriage?

If she says she's telling you the truth (and thus why the need for a poly....that her word she be good enough) I would look her in the eyes and tell her she herself has told you she's lied about this situation and if it were anything else but this specific topic you would believe her.

That said the only thing you can think of to get the peace you're seeking from this is for her to take a poly. If she is unwilling to do this then Reen (if it were me) I would have my answer.

Knowing the damage it could do if she isn't willing to take the poly she's going to double down and not be willing to do something that you desperately need from her in order to finally be at peace?

Reen my comments are ALL based on you saying "another attempt to bury it until it comes back again". So obviously you're not good with where (and how) this is being addressed.

Have the courage to face your fear.

2nd Timothy 1:7 says the following:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind".

Only you can answer this Reen but does this scripture ring true with you?

I wish you well but more importantly I will pray for you (for wisdom, guidance, and courage to do what you need for peace).

Hi Reen,

I know only too well what it can be like when things are bothering us regularly, but do you think it might be worth trying to take a time-out and seeing how you feel in a couple of weeks' time?

Edited to Add: Her sister needs to apologise to both of you for the situation that she engineered. She never should have done what she did, and she needs to apologise for it.

[This message edited by M1965 at 10:56 AM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Reen, I'm a born again Christian. One of the problems I have with the Christian community is that too often they will advise the BS to forgive and forget. They will say things like "look at what a good life you have" and "look how hard he/she is trying". Even the pastor/ministers do that. Not all, for sure but more than just a one off. That further traumitizes the betrayed.

You've had a good marriage. Secrets keep you sick. How much better of a marriage could you have had if this had been dealt with way back when. I suspect your wife has had this nagging at her. You've wondered, probably off and on, about it, too. That unease affects the marriage.

Now, your wife has confessed or partially confessed. She feels good now about finally coming clean or partially clean. She has shifted that from her back to yours. Those little nagging thoughts you had have been partially confirmed. After 20 years. IMO, if you don't take it farther it will ride you even harder. She feels better now and you feel worse. It will stay that way.

I think you've a very solid foundation to reconcile and have an even better life based on the little bit I know of you. I don't think you'll have that if you try to push this down and just get over it. Do you want those nagging thoughts pushing up over the next 20 years and needing effort from you to tamp them back down again?

One of the foundational principles of a good marriage is openness and honesty.

M1965,

I’m thinking about a short text to clearify my thoughts. I am emotionally exhausted and almost ready to bury it again and move one. But I feel I know too much not to pursue it further....

Sh*t!!!

I’m not sure if tonight or next week or never!!!

Ughhhh!

BTW... I have a great relationship with her sister! Always have. But when you expressed the idea that she was actively sabotaging our relationship, it made me remember how often her sister would try to convince her to stay in Denver and that she hated Texas. My g/f wrote about that a lot. Wasn’t thinking about the possibility that she would want to ruin our relationship. Now it’s so obvious!!! I’ll look at her a little differently now. I don’t think, after all these years that we’ll make it an issue.

Reen, I think you need to explain to her that her having sex with this guy is recoverable. This site is full of couples who have reconciled with much much worse betrayals during the marriage.

It will be difficult but is feasible.

On the other hand, even if she continues to deny it, your subconscious believes that she did have sex with him and no matter how you try to rationalise that away it will always undermine your relationship.

Far better to recover from infidelity than to be living with infidelity for the rest of your married lives even if it didn't actually happen. Thus the need for a Poly. It is a positive step not a negative one. I really can't see another way out of this unless you truly believe you can accept the status quo and move on without a detrimental impact on your marriage and/or your own personal health..

Good luck.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 7:30 PM, August 18th (Sunday)]

Reen, It appears to me that your wife wants to minimize the disclosure about the concert situation. You have also indicated that you want to stay with her, one way or the other. So, you might just say to her, "It seems that you do not want to provide any further details about your date with the other guy and any subsequent contact you had with him. So, I can only assume the worst in my mind, that you had sex that weekend and possibly a PA which lasted from then until you returned to Texas. I get there because you lied to me about your attending the concert and omitted, and hid for 20 years, the fact that you had a date with another guy. Absent your providing the information that I need to counter that assumption, I will let my assumption stand as fact. I have already forgiven you, based upon the 20-year relationship that we have had since, and I (still) love you." Telling her this puts all the onus on her to set the record straight without her having any fear, or downside, that you could react in a more negative way. If that is how she leaves it, you will most likely have all the details that you need anyway. She may not spill all the beans immediately, but if only her guilt made her trickle out the initial disclosure, this statement might cause her to lay enough guilt pressure on herself to come completely clean. However, once you make this statement, you can not say another word about this situation unless, and until, she initiates any further discussion.

Just my thoughts. Take as much of it, or not any at all, as you wish. You know best.

Best of luck to you. You already seem to be quite a lucky guy anyway.

Hi Reen,

I’m thinking about a short text to clearify my thoughts. I am emotionally exhausted and almost ready to bury it again and move one. But I feel I know too much not to pursue it further....

Sh*t!!!

My heart goes out to you, because I have had times where I wanted to do several very different things, and I felt stuck, because I had not decided what felt right to me.

It can feel like it is driving you crazy, and it took me a while to learn that when I feel that way, it is best to give myself time before I do anything while all the different ideas work themselves out.

I really believe that our subconscious thinks about stuff even when we do not realise it, because I have had times where I have been confused, and then one day I wake up with a kind of calm certainty about what I need to do.

The 'right' thing to do here is what feels best and right to you. Not right to me, not right to anyone else, but right to you.

And you have no deadline to meet, do you? I honestly think that if you are feeling exhausted and raw, the best thing would be to put this on hold, and focus on everyday life and doing some things you enjoy. That will recharge your emotional batteries, and help you to mull it over in a better frame of mind.

And if you find that after a few weeks you cannot be bothered to come back to it, and you feel like it is more trouble than it is worth, that is fine. It is totally up to you, and nobody else, whether you want to pursue this further. And if you don't want to, that is just as valid as if you do.

Reen, please do not let this dominate your thinking, or become a slave to it. If it does, it will spoil your life, and that will be giving it more importance than it deserves.

So at least try to take a break from it and see how you feel in a few weeks' time.

BTW... I have a great relationship with her sister! Always have. But when you expressed the idea that she was actively sabotaging our relationship, it made me remember how often her sister would try to convince her to stay in Denver and that she hated Texas. My g/f wrote about that a lot. Wasn’t thinking about the possibility that she would want to ruin our relationship. Now it’s so obvious!!! I’ll look at her a little differently now. I don’t think, after all these years that we’ll make it an issue.

As crappy as your sister-in-law's actions were back then, and worthy of an apology, I think you are right that it is not worth rocking the boat or causing bad blood about it so long after everything took place. If you argue with her, or sour relations, nobody is going to feel better.

Trust your gut, Reen; it knows what is right for you.

[This message edited by M1965 at 2:38 PM, August 19th (Monday)]

Update:

I spoke with my wife about getting more details about going out with this fella in college. I asked her why she told me after 20 years. She said she brought it up the other day because we were reminiscing about college and she was thinking that it was so long ago, it would have no relevance on our relationship. She doesn't drink much, so 3 brews had her pretty silly that night.

She says another reason she brought it up so non chalantly, was because nothing happened! She told him, like every other guy that she had a boyfriend! She said that cheating on me was the last thing she would have ever done to me.

I asked her why she didn’t tell me when she came back to school. She said she was going to tell me, and her sister actually wanted her to tell me. It made her think that it really might upset me for no reason and why bother when it wasn’t necessary.

That reminded me of a comment made earlier in this thread that it seems like her sister was trying to sabotage our relationship. I asked my wife if she felt the same way during the summer she stayed with her. She said she never thought of it that way. Her sister would tell her all the time that she hated Texas and should stay home and go to school there near her family. We agreed that her sister was in the process of trying to keep my g/f home, she was trying to end our relationship.

She is very surprised at the whirlwind she put me in and I think it’s because, in her mind, she didn’t do anything but go dancing with a nice guy. She said she taught him how to 2step and waltz to country music like she learned in Texas. She said that they left the club at 11 and he had her at home by midnight.

I asked her why they didn’t go to the concert they were planning to go to.... she said she remembers that they drove by, but thought it would just be more fun at the club where they could dance. Plus the lines were crazy long. The concert tickets were cheap enough so they didn’t feel committed to go.

I asked her if she saw him again. Well he lives directly upstairs so she would see him coming and going, but just to say hi and maybe tell a joke. Apparently, he was funny.

I am letting this go. I know my wife. We are soulmates and it’s always been us against the world! I feel much better about this whole messy week! I want to thank everyone here for giving me so many angles to look at this thing! I am impressed with your heartfelt caring words and very well articulated ideas. I would not have handled as well with out you!

Thank You!

I

I’d let this go if I were you. It appears she didn’t have a relationship with this man. Enjoy your life with your wife. Wishing you all the best.

Hi Reen,

Good for you. I am happy you have reached a resolution that feels right for you.

Keeping a sense of perspective can be hard when we are dealing with things like this, particularly a long time afterwards. We lose sight of the fact that just because something could have happened does not mean that it did happen.

One lesson to take from this is to trust your gut, and if you ever feel something is odd or 'off' again, mention it at the time, so you can discuss it and solve it there and then.

I wish you a long and happy life with your wife, Reen. You deserve it.

[This message edited by M1965 at 8:03 AM, August 20th (Tuesday)]

I wish you and your wife the very best.

This is a fascinating thread. I do think Reen is making the right decision, but it illustrates two points. First is that if a spouse brings up something from long ago and describes it as "not a big deal", that could be true, or not, depending on the facts. It becomes a temporary big deal because of the uncertainty.

Which leads to the second point that all of this would have been averted if she had been upfront about it in real time (when it happened).

I asked her why she didn’t tell me when she came back to school. She said she was going to tell me, and her sister actually wanted her to tell me. It made her think that it really might upset me for no reason and why bother when it wasn’t necessary.

Her sister wanted her to tell you because she thought it WAS a big enough deal you'd dump her and she would go back to Denver, which could possibly mean there is more to the story. I hope for your sake there isn't.

As far as upsetting you for no reason, there was a damn good reason and she knew that. She was just covering her ass and being deceitful, she wasn't worried about upsetting "YOU" except in what that meant for her. Pretty selfish.

Butforthegrace said:

First is that if a spouse brings up something from long ago and describes it as "not a big deal", that could be true, or not, depending on the facts. It becomes a temporary big deal because of the uncertainty.

Which leads to the second point that all of this would have been averted if she had been upfront about it in real time (when it happened).

The "not a big deal" thing was not up to her to decide. It should have been up to Reen whether it was a big deal to Reen or not. You hear this all the time in "I didn't want to hurt you" and then "I didn't know it would bother you so much". Well Yes they did know because they actively kept it from the betrayed and took away their agency. That's truly what it's all about. Honesty and transparency so you have agency to make your own decisions as to what is a big deal or not.

[This message edited by RubixCubed at 1:11 PM, August 20th (Tuesday)]