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I just recently discovered my husband has been hiring prostitutes. So far he has admitted to having sex with two of them (one at least five times) he says that he has messaged multiple just to get pics etc and then he nips it before it gets too far. He is adamant that it was at a point in our relationship when we weren’t the strongest and that he hasn’t done it in three years. We have been at a wonderful spot in our relationship for some time now and this all just surfaced (not the nicest thing to find out when you just had another of his children a few months ago)

At the time of the cheating I was at home with our one year old son and had absolutely NO idea. I am really struggling as I feel like I’ve been with an absolute stranger for 13 years.

The man I thought I married is respectful, charming a feminist and would never objectify a woman like this. I’m just wondering if anyone else has been able to get over a similar situation because right now I just feel repulsed and disgusted by him.

[This message edited by Meighen at 5:30 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Ah, the old “I’m a feminist but I bang hookers” line.

It’s not you. It’s him. Don’t blame yourself for his failings.

First thing first. Get yourself and him tested for STDs and STIs. And don’t have sex until you get the results back. He risked your health. He’s an idiot.

Secondly, ask him to write a timeline of what he’s done.

Others will come along with more suggestions and advice.

[This message edited by Mene at 4:49 PM, August 27th (Tuesday)]

Meighen

My husband went to massage parlours for five years and then went to a prostitute who he fell in love and had an affair for five years.

I understand your disgust and being repulsed by what he did with him.

It has been 15 months and I am sometimes still grossed out.

Here is what I suggest

1. For sure get the std testing. Both of you. Make sure you see his results.

2. Ask the questions you need. But don’t ask for lots of details. They don’t go away.

3. Insist on knowing how many. How often and how much he spent.

4. Acknowledge that he choose to go to sex workers. This has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with their problems.

5. Do not be ashamed. The shame is his not yours. I struggle here. You think that you weren’t enough. That is not true

6. Expect them to minimize everything. My husband was so ashamed that he hid the fact that he went to massage parlours for 10 years. So they minimize, they hide, and sometimes they react in anger or blame you or the marriage for their choices. That’s all garbage

7. Take care of yourself. Try to eat, exercise, and Hydrate.

8. Expect to go up and down in your emotions, anger is constant, and sadness. He will be very emotional. That’s OK. This is truly difficult stuff.

I find that exercising helps me control my emotions. And detaching from my husband has as well.

I wish you the best. I am so sorry that you are here. I understand your pain. Big hugs. You will get through this one day at a time

Sorry what a puke worthy thing to do. Just the idea of sharing yourself with someone who has had hundreds of others.

I’m sorry Meighen that you find yourself here under these circumstances. So do I have this straight: at a time shortly after you had your first child with him and you were caring for that child, your WH was risking your health, and by extension, the health of his child, by sleeping with prostitutes. A feminist my ass! Look, talk is cheap. Lots of guys will profess to believe in lots of stuff to get a girl. But it’s hard to keep the mask on very long especially when down deep your are a broken and selfish person. If your WH wants to demonstrate his remorse he needs to start by giving you a complete timeline of his infidelity. He needs to get into IC to identify how he could betray his W and family. Please both of you should read How To Help Yourself Heal From Your Affair by McDonald. Please read in the healing library above. Do get tested for STD’s. And do exercise and take care of yourself. Time will tell if your WH has the capacity to appreciate the damage and pain he has caused you. Good luck.

So sorry you find yourself here Meighen. It is a horrible position to be in. My husband too slept with prostitutes. It is disgusting and difficult to get your head around. Just know that you do not have to make any decisions now. It will take time for you to process all of this new information.

My suggestion is to have your husband write out a timeline and then take a polygraph in order for you to reach ground zero. Men who visit prostitutes are ashamed and therefore notorious liars. It is crucial that you have all of the information before you if reconciliation is even an option.

Take care of yourself and know that you are not alone!

I’m just wondering if anyone else has been able to get over a similar situation because right now I just feel repulsed and disgusted by him

I'm only 9 months out from DDay, and I can tell you that I think the overwhelming feelings you have now towards him will get a little better with a little time. I doubt any of us will ever "get over it" though...sorry

[This message edited by joecardinals at 1:03 AM, August 28th (Wednesday)]

Sorry, that you are going through this. I have been married almost 31 years, and we have been together for 33 years. I learned about a month ago that my husband cheated early in our marriage. My husband is respectful, supporting, and loving as you described your husband; so I understand what you’re saying. Like you I don’t know this stranger and feel that I have been living a lie.

He says he has been with two women on and off for oral sex only. Initially this didn’t make sense until he told me that he was paying them. These were women that he met in bars prior to meeting me and maintained a relationship with them until 28/29 years ago.

He did not view them as being prostitutes, I guess because they weren’t on a street corner. I have educated him and he now knows that they are prostitutes. He swears that he hasn't done anything in over 25 years.

I take it one day at at time. I am riding the roller coaster. He seems to be remorseful but it is very difficult for me to look at him the same. I feel that my life has been a total lie. I have removed my wedding ring and will only put it back on if I decide to R with him. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to go through the process. Don’t blame yourself.

Oh, I started IC.

Yuck. Another one. There are lots of us here who found out the hooker/sugar baby/massage parlor stuff. I'm about 9 months post-discovery and still not sure what to do. I think one of the best pieces of advice is not to rush into any decisions. Oddly, I felt at first that this was not fair to my husband. Sort of hanging about until I decided what to do. Now I don't give a crap that it might be hard for him. He can walk if he doesn't like it. I still don't really understand it all and I'm still really disgusted. I'm taking my time and watching him a lot to see how he handles everything. He is terribly good at saying all the right things and fawning all over me (blech!) but not really good at walking the walk.

Anyway, I am sure you just feel like your life exploded around you and you have no idea what to feel, think, or do. I found lots of comfort from the people here so I hope you stick around. There is also a thread called "emotionless infidelity" in the I Can Relate forum and reading all that has made me feel much less alone. I believe there is something seriously wrong with my husband as maybe there is with your's too. I don't think healthy men do this. Big hug to you and your broken heart.

Oh, I’m sorry you are in this boat too.

My LLCAH (low life cheating asshat husband) also cheated with multiple prostitutes. And he is so feminist and progressive...gag. He isnt t really. We have daughters for fucks sake, and sex work is rife with rape and exploitation...I am so disgusted by him.

You didn’t know anything was wrong in the marriage because he LIED to you. The wrong thing was HIM. Please believe that, because it’s true. He made these choices all on his own, and this damage is all his, period.

I’m divorcing my LLCAH. I can hardly stand to look at him, he repulses me. He wanted to buy women and I’ll never get past that, never.

I am so damn sorry. I understand where you are right now and it is beyond discription.

My "feminist" husband of almost 20 years "dated" sugar babies, but they weren't prostitutes, he was helping out good people that were going through a tough time. I mean, that's why he "helped" men too, yeah no he didn't. I am still here, but this makes my skin crawl. Most of them were half his age too, so ugh! My story is on my profile page, if you want more info.

I hate to say I actually know anything about what my husband thinks, but it looks like he finally knows they were prostitutes, and con artists now, but that took months.

I don't know if it is possible to get over it. What I do know is that my husband was a good person, until he wasn't. He is growing now, and I am trying to figure out if it is too late for me.

Take your time sorting out what you can deal with. Do not jump right into R. I did at the first opportunity, and I regret the hell out of that. I found out a week later he still had them on his phone, he had not blocked them. Protect yourself and your kids first, if he loves you like he should, he will understand what you are doing, and prove to you that he is a changed man.

My husband dribbled the truth to me over months. It is so painful. There is a lot of shame about paying prostitutes. And WS thought if he kept them as friends, he must have been right about them, and he wasn't a sexist a-hole. He 100% was. He lied to himself about it, but he was using them as living sex toys with an ego boost pack that activated if he bought them just the right expensive thing.

Ah, the old “I’m a feminist but I bang hookers” line.

Gotta love it. I'm not a feminist; in fact, I'm probably the opposite of it. I don't see anything inherently wrong with prostitution. And guess what? I don't bang prostitutes. It's like the more stridently someone claims something, the more likely they are to do the opposite (and this would apply to me too).

Anyway, to the OP, yes, this is relatively common here. Sounds like your H was at least somewhat honest with you, although I really don't believe the "he nipped it in the bud" with the other prostitutes. He didn't have time, money, they wouldn't do whatever act(s) he wanted. I don't believe he just suddenly had an epiphany and said "Nahh, not gonna bang this one".

Hi Meighen,

I am very sorry to hear about your troubles. You asked if anyone in a similar situation has gotten over it. My husband slept with a prostitute young enough to be our daughter. DDay was May 30, 2016. At this point, I can say that I have accepted the fact that he slept with a hooker and nothing we do can erase that fact. But this year I find that I no longer feel gutted when the thought of his infidelity or the other woman crosses my mind. We are still together but he knows that if he cheats on me again, this marriage is over. The thought of this marriage ending used to make me anxious but at this point, I can imagine a life with him AND a life without him - and I know that I will be okay either way. There's a certain peace that comes in knowing that. Although we both know we are in a good place in our marriage now, the after-effects of his affair are still there. I will always have trust issues with everyone. If I am tired or feeling ill, sometimes this deep-seated anger towards him will surface. 2-5 years to recover sounds about right. It may sound like a long time, but it really takes that long to process all this mentally and emotionally. And the healing process isn't linear. Someone suggested that you visit the I Can Relate forum called Emotionless Infidelity. I would second that suggestion. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. You will get through this and someday you will marvel at how much stronger you have become. Much love to you today.

[This message edited by roseofsharon at 11:02 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]