I have been in a committed relationship with my partner (a woman) for nine years. We became engaged before marriage was legal, and have lived as spouses, own a home, etc.
We experienced four years of very intense loss: my father, my best friend, our two large dogs (true to lesbian form, our children, completely labor intensive hospice process that took over our life for a year), a lawsuit, and many medical issues for me… that I believe led to a breakdown in our communication/distance. That said, I still believed we were truly the “unicorn” couple, I loved her with every part of my being.
WS is a producer and travels often for work, so there are chunks of the year where months will go by and she will be in various countries (beautiful places, beautiful interesting people) for weeks at a time, and I will only see her a few days in between. I have NEVER doubted WS unwavering commitment for a second. She was the kind of person everyone viewed as having impeccable integrity.
So… the first blow came on April 25th when after a small fight she said “I don’t know if I can do this anymore”… I was in a complete state of shock and disbelief. I asked if there was someone else. She said no. I took ownership of the increasingly depressed and negative state I had been in (in large part due to her being so distant for the past year, but I couldn’t see that yet) and committed to doing whatever I could to improve our relationship. Started therapy. Took full ownership (insert eye roll here) for ALL of our problems.
Cut to a few weeks later when I realize that a “work trip” she scheduled for meetings in NYC (I had asked to join, but she said no) was on a weekend. I began to panic, she’s a bad liar and something was not adding up. The lies continued when she was away on a shoot prior to NYC, and I (pathetically) begged her not to do anything while there. She gaslit me and told me it was just for meetings and to see friends, but in the days that followed her story unraveled. She gave her self away underneath layers of bad lying, and I ended up calling a hotel I knew she had points at (pretending to be her) and confirmed she had prepaid a month prior for a king bed room booked with another person (who I didn’t know) on the reservation. At this point, the whole thing blew open… but only after a story that the girl was just a friend staying with her for her “bachelorette party”… oh yes, her AP was actually about to get married.
To spare you more details: she had been having an EA with AP who lived on the other side of the country that she met on set for over a year. AP is 20 years WS's junior. WS sent AP multiple high priced gifts, massages, and spent hours and hours daily texting with her for the better part of six months. While most of the communication was deleted, all information I have about the affair has been through my own discovery. WS is going through early menopause and tends to "FORGET" A LOT. She swears that they had limited physical contact.. spooned in bed, made out, and then told each other they were dying to have sex and be together which led to them booking a trip (a mere month before AP’s wedding to another woman).
To give my WS some points, she did not let her AP stay in the NY hotel once I discovered it. She also did not come home, and instead spent the weekend with AP partying and also making out with her AP on the street, during which time she would text me repeatedly telling me I had nothing to worry about and they were just “friends” .
During the height of the affair WS told AP she loved her, she was all she wanted in the world. I found out all of this via trickle truth and an initial disastrous attempt of CT. I also know that AP and WS did a lot of push pull, and that my WS was the one really trying to make something physical happen. We are now both in IC doing very intense work. After initially blaming me for the affair, my WS has taken full accountability, is remorseful, and doing everything she can to make things right.
I hadn’t realized how far away she had been (emotionally and physically) until she returned. So the initial recovery was a blend of SHOCK and relief to have her back. I initially left our house for a week, and returned.
Now we are 3 months post DD. We had 3 months of time together (almost exclusively) and did incredible work at processing and rebuilding. While I believe we may be through the initial shock/denial phase… I am suddenly feeling such intense loss/pain/uncertainty. For thirteen months she gave herself to this other woman. YES it was rooted in fantasy, but it was not over quickly, and she gave her self over to it 1000% without a second thought of me (she has told me this, remorsefully, many times).
WS’s job requires extensive travel (which is how all of this started) and I can’t help but feel EXTREME PTSD at the thought of her leaving for weeks at a time starting next week.
In addition… I cannot stop myself from looking at the AP’s social media channels. Let me be clear, I deleted all of my social media apps... and I still keep reloading them and looking. Like a crazy person. She is not very attractive (affair down) but she is 27, VERY confident and outgoing (we are in our mid 40’s). I am statuesque, slim, introverted. She is tiny, round, obnoxious and full of herself. I can’t help but obsess over how different she is in so many ways, similar in others. But my god... no wrinkles. Not one.
At any rate… that’s my story. And that is my current dilemma. Obsessing, ruminating, trying to figure out if I will ever be able to actually get over this in a way that is healthy, long term. If I can really trust WS, if I can ever lead a normal life in this new reality.
Any thoughts, words of encouragement (re the above) much appreciated.
As a side note: if you have an issue with LGBT, I respectfully ask that you please click to the next thread and refrain from using this comment thread as a soap box. Thank you.
[This message edited by shanti108 at 6:24 PM, August 28th (Wednesday)]
