I'm sorry I haven't been around in a while. I did not mean to ghost or cause any worry. Thank you Ellie and Chili for trying to check in. The past two week have been very stressful, overwhelming, exhausting, and all around hard. The week before my classes started I spent every single day moving - and running 3 flights of stairs with my loads to my new place. I think I got enough of a work out that week to last me a year. I worked that weekend (32 hours) and hit the ground running in my classes that Monday. I am still not even fully unpacked.
I've had to spend all of my free time outside of classes studying. I'm trying to figure things out as nursing school is much different in how you should study to what you are used to. I'm trying to find my groove.
A week ago on Friday I received a text message from him stating that he had been throwing up blood for 24 hours and that he thought he needed the ER. I know many of you are hoping I did not go to his rescue, but I did. And it stirred up a lot of emotions for me. I haven't fully been able to implement the 180 because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to him.
He was admitted to the hospital Friday night and kept over the weekend while they ran tests. I was only there on Friday, but I was in and out of the house while he was there taking care of the cats (his 2) and cleaning up as there was a tub he had been throwing up in full of vomit blood and one of the cats had decided the world was her litter box and proceeded to pee everywhere after I left. I just couldn't leave it that way. They did an endoscopy on him Monday where they found lacerations in the lining of his stomach. One of the GI docs that spoke to him over the weekend told him based on his blood work that if he didn't quit drinking that he is going to die. He said he believed him and seemed sincere in being terrified of this happening. So of course Monday he fed me the same lines I've heard before, that he's done, doesn't want it anymore, etc. I guess when he finally admitted to hospital staff that he was going through withdrawal they did an inpatient detox and he'd have 5 bags on his IV tree at one time.
Then when he was discharged, it seemed like he went back to being cold towards me, but almost spoke to me as if me leaving didn't matter anymore. But of course when he needed something, it was "babe this, babe that." I have not spoken to him since and it is not in my plans to until I have to get the rest of my belongings out which will not be soon.
I have a hard time staying awake every day. I don't know if my mind and body is in some kind of shock. I never really took time to grieve because of moving, working, then straight into school.
My mind is in a weird place - where I find myself missing him. And I know - I shouldn't. It's as if I have a hard time seeing what he did. I have to constantly remind myself of why I left and all the things he's done to me over the years and how bad this Summer was. I know these things. I know I was living in DV, and being emotionally abused, assaulted, cheated on, etc., but it's like the woman he tried to brainwash into believing these things were normal is still here. Like this trauma bond still has a powerful hold on me that I don't know how to release it. But I know they aren't normal. I know. I know. I know.
It's like I'm being pulled between two versions of me. It's a weird feeling, when you know what was happening was so wrong, when you know what they did to you was so wrong, but it's so hard to see. I guess maybe because I took it for so long, it started to become the norm and I don't know what normal is anymore. I just really want this feeling to go away. I don't want to be that woman anymore.
I'm not even sure if this makes sense to anyone or if I just sound crazy (not my intention), but I could really use some support in working through this. Or advice on how to.
