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BeyondRage,

Yes, this is your wife's fault. She made those decisions. She decided to cheat on you. She decided to fuck these guys. The involvement of that women doesn't lessen any of these transgressions. However, that doesn't excuse that woman, make her any less vile, or any less of an enemy of your marriage. This woman knew exactly what she was doing, she's a corroding influence on everyone around here, and you can be certain she does so on purpose.

The people who are into this lifestyle are their very own breed. This rabbit hole goes incredibly deep and is one of the communities I personally find the most loathsome, questionable, and disgusting. To the point where I think that if they have any children, they'd be better off in foster care. This woman on purpose set out to involve your wife and you in her lifestyle, she actively worked to bring this about. Why? Because she and her partner likely get off on it. Chances are this whole thing was the "success" for them, the thing they get off on, celebrated, etc. They happily and callously involved you and your wife in their own sexual fantasies and lifestyle.

Your wife was the one to pull the trigger and shoot you dead. This wife was the one to hand her the gun, show her how it's done, encourage her, and then get off on the whole thing. While your wife carries all the blame for it, this woman carries her own guilt and culpability. She's not a friend, not even a neutral.

She’s not a friend, not even a neutral.

I agree. Put the blame where it belongs - on your wife. But there’s no need to be civil to this vile woman and her loathsome husband and pretend their disgusting “lifestyle” is ok and normal, and your wife should not even be putting you in that situation.

It’s near universal here on SI that anyone who enabled or simply even shrugged about adultery should be cut COMPLETELY out of your lives if you are to truly reconcile. Who cares if this woman encouraged your wife to come clean once you caught her?!

It is a practically meaningless gesture when she knew your wife was conducting said activity and simply looked the other way, condoned it and gave her pointers. Almost handed her a “how to” manual on how to be a slutty hot wife. Oh yeah but she “warned” her of consequences. It’s like having a conversation with the devil. You don’t even really know the actual real content of conversations they had, so it’s quite likely they were smuttier and full of more knowing chuckles than you’ll ever know or want to know.

But this woman is not a good person.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:16 AM, December 12th (Thursday)]

Marauder

The people who are into this lifestyle are their very own breed.

You got that right

This woman on purpose set out to involve your wife and you in her lifestyle, she actively worked to bring this about. Why? Because she and her partner likely get off on it. Chances are this whole thing was the "success" for them, the thing they get off on, celebrated, etc. They happily and callously involved you and your wife in their own sexual fantasies and lifestyle.

Not sure you got this right. From all the communication I saw, I would say she certainly did not make a huge effort to discourage my wife, but nothing in their e mail exchanges indicated her and her husband really gave a shit. He has his own girlfriend or two or three, who the fuck knows. I think its some projection with no real basis in facts to decide what they were thinking.

She's not a friend, not even a neutral.

I hope you do not think I am stupid enough to think this woman is my friend or a friend of my marriage. All I have said positive about her is one factual statement. When I caught my wife, her advice to my wife was to tell me nothing but the truth, the whole truth, and to do whatever I ask to prove it. And I am sorry, that was better advice than most of the therapists probably would have given my wife.

Thumos

It’s near universal here on SI that anyone who enabled or simply even shrugged about adultery should be cut COMPLETELY out of your lives if you are to truly reconcile.

Agreed. But there is very little work contact, and i am not having my wife quit her job over an e mail or two that are work related once or twice a month. And remember, another polygraph is not out of the question if I want to do it.

You don’t even really know the actual real content of conversations they had, so it’s quite likely they were smuttier and full of more knowing chuckles than you’ll ever know or want to know.

Conversations no I don't. But I have a shitload of e mail correspondence over a good amount of time

But this woman is not a good person.

I don't give a shit if she is Mother Theresa. Her lifestyle makes her not great to me. I get it

But there’s no need to be civil to this vile woman and her loathsome husband and pretend their disgusting “lifestyle” is ok and normal, and your wife should not even be putting you in that situation.

I have no intention of being civil to her if she or her husband enter my space with just my wife and I. But i am not going to cause a scene in front of a bunch of strangers and my wifes peers if someone that knows nothing calls them over to a group.

And lets get it straight. My wife is also not an idiot so I really do not anticipate anything crazy happening.

In 48 hours her party will be over so please rest assured I have to big picture straight and have no intention of having a little cordial social get together with them.

In 48 hours her party will be over so please rest assured I have to big picture straight and have no intention of having a little cordial social get together with them.

Good to hear. I still think it's shitty your wife even expects you to be in that position after putting you through what she already has. But I'm not in your shoes, we're just anonymously posting on the internet, I don't have all the context, and it's just my opinion.

Thumos

Good to hear. I still think it's shitty your wife even expects you to be in that position after putting you through what she already has. But I'm not in your shoes, we're just anonymously posting on the internet, I don't have all the context, and it's just my opinion.

My wife is NOT putting me in this position. If I demanded it she would make up some excuse not to be able to attend, but its would look bad.

I made the decision we are going, and I do not run from my problems. I run at them. i said that in the beginning.

Not in my nature to let some woman I do not know scare me away from a fucking Christmas party that my wife should attend. Then they win!!!

Im not a good loser.

BR, glad you’re going to the party. You have no reason to hide, and clearly, nobody’s going to make you hide!

Wow!!! Some pretty harsh advice but I am listening. So lets start with the "iceberg" that this is supposedly the tip of. I can assure you that if I am the Titanic I am putting the fucking ship into full speed ahead right towards the iceberg and I am going to find out whats there. Take that to the bank. And thank you for the support.

BR, glad you’re going to the party. You have no reason to hide, and clearly, nobody’s going to make you hide!

OHSOSPECIAL

I posted the first thing above real early on.

I meant it.

if I had her lie to her bosses just so I might not have to control myself for a few hours then I am a coward. i did nothing wrong or to be ashamed of and actually I hope my presence can make this woman a little uncomfortable. After all, I am privy to information on her lifestyle that might be great gossip material in the workplace of theirs if I just happened to get drunk and run my mouth, which will not happen but she does not know that. Probably would not be great for her career path.

Im a pretty big guy that ain't bad at staring people down and making them not too comfortable. personally, I would bet that she avoids us like the bubonic plague. I will tell you if I am wrong.

Well, the Christmas Party has come and gone with nothing exciting happening.

my wife was nervous as hell but her hotwife girlfriend made no attempt to interact with either of us, just waved once to her i guess to say hello and stayed away from our table and groups we were talking with .

Her husband was there but obviously not wanting to be and stayed for some reason as far away from me as he could get and still be in the same zip code.Not sure why.

This woman is a coll customer, I will say that. Shes leading a morally bankrupt in my opinion lifestyle but you would NEVER guess it watching her work the crowd as they would say. And she was dressed really conservatively, which surprised me. She is very pretty and her husband was one of those guys without one hair out of place.

I guess its time for me to ask the mods to move this thread to the reconciliation forum. What do i do, PM one of them???

No. Usually you just start a new thread documenting your reconciliation journey in that forum.

Stevesn

Ive seen it done that way or moving it. i think moving it gives someone an easier time to read before they comment without knowing wtf theyre talking about.

Put a link to this thread in your profile in the My Story section. Start a new thread in Reconciliation. Let people know in this thread you have a new thread over there.

It will be a lot simpler and less confusing for some members if you just start a separate thread in Reconciliation. And if you want you can put a link to this thread in your intro thread over there.

[This message edited by JS84 at 12:38 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Ah ok. Just thought it was nice to leave here as it’s really your JFO journey and future BS’s who unfortunately find themselves here and are reading through the pages in this forum of their predecessors can find yours among others and see how you chose to handle the distress and pain.

You can always start the new one with a link pointing back to this one, and put the same in your profile.

I’m glad you are doing so well.

Just go link. Then your reconciliation updates are more pointed to topics in the headers.

Caughter her by accident in reconciliation doesn't really help people know what you are talking about in there.

Plus you may hit the 49 page limit sooner. You are at 35.

You guys are right. Now all I have to do is figure out how the hell to put the link in

Her husband was there but obviously not wanting to be and stayed for some reason as far away from me as he could get and still be in the same zip code.Not sure why.

Does this niggling detail bother you or cause your mind to chew on it a bit? I gather you wouldn't have mentioned it if it didn't.

I will just say watch out and keep clear of these folks. I know that goes without saying, and you're a big boy who can take care of himself, but they really don't see the world the same way at every single level. And if people jump into this "lifestyle" and feel so comfortable with it, something is very off about them. BPD/NPD etc. Your wife may not be sociopathic as some of us initially feared, but this woman and her husband most certainly are. I wish for your sake some random person had just inserted themselves into that scene and taken a baseball bat to that woman's arm when she waved at your wife. But that's just the way I think.

In any case, welcome over to the reconciliation side, BR. Depending on how things transpire the next few days, I may be staying with you there or moving over to the D/S forums. We will see

This woman is a coll customer, I will say that. Shes leading a morally bankrupt in my opinion lifestyle but you would NEVER guess it watching her work the crowd as they would say. And she was dressed really conservatively, which surprised me. She is very pretty and her husband was one of those guys without one hair out of place.

I'm not surprised by this. This is all part of her costume and mask. As she grows older, that costume and mask will begin to tatter and it will be harder for her to keep the real person hidden. But for now, she's able to do it.

You guys are right. Now all I have to do is figure out how the hell to put the link in

Just copy it from the address bar while on the first page of your thread and then paste it on your profile and your new thread. And whoever wants to read it can copy and paste it to their address bar if they want.

[This message edited by JS84 at 1:33 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

Does this niggling detail bother you or cause your mind to chew on it a bit? I gather you wouldn't have mentioned it if it didn't.

Thumos, didn;t bother me at all. First, I think he was just putting in a "guest appearance'. He knew basically no one. I actually thought it was kind of funny. Like he thought i was going to physically confront him which was never going to happen.

Look, we have a slightly different opinion of them. Their lifestyle works for them and until it infringed on me all the power to them. They both make very good livings, have to be intelligent to do what their careers involve.

They just happen to have sexual proclivities that horrify most of us. But despite the fact that it is not for us, non monogamy is a growing phenomenon and is not going away unfortunately.

My wife knows the consequence of anything other than a once in a while business interaction with her. Thats all that needs to be said.

I really didn't give a shit about the wave. i cannot undo that they know each other. Had she come over and visited, a totally different reaction.

BeyondRage,

I would have gone to the party just like you did.

My feeling is that it's an experiment and the results may not fit my model or expectations but they are still valid in some way.

The H avoiding you might or might not mean anything, but it's another piece of data.

Even if her going to the party causes her to cheat again it's better to know now than 10 years from now.

I arranged a meeting between my W and OM1 and OM1s reaction to seeing my W "alone" was priceless.

[This message edited by survrus at 7:15 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

You guys are right. Now all I have to do is figure out how the hell to put the link in

Go ahead and open the new thread, on the first post there just copy and paste the link (select everything that appears on the address bar of the first page of this thread, right click to copy it and then go to the new thread and right click to paste it). If you have any problems, just let me know, go ahead and open the thread and I will put the link for you.