M1965
Thank you for your thoughtful response
So this is not so much a time for BR to be pounding contrition into his wife or branding the word 'Cheat' across her forehead as letting her know the following months are her opportunity to prove to him why he should stay with her.
This particularly resonates with me when I weigh that against the advice to tell the entire family, tell all her friends, tell my kids, tell everyone in our social circle. Those are sure consequences , and I would probably be on board if I choose divorce, but how do any of those things benefit someone trying to rebuild. If you beat the shit out of a docile dog enough times eventually it will bite you.
She needs to be in IC, figuring out why she did this, and whether she thinks NSA sex is worth losing the marriage over. I daresay BR has made it very clear indeed that if she acts like this in future, she will be a single woman so fast it will make her head spin.
Still not on board with the IC by herself with me clueless, but I don't think there is any doubt in her mind about what happens if EITHER she does this again OR I find out it has happened in the past.
I would say that it would be good for BR and his wife to schedule a regular time to talk about themselves and whatever is on their mind.
I agree. Even though we have a large house, I find it very hard to make believe she is not back in it. She keeps asking if I have any more questions, and keeps texting me practically everytime she goes to bathroom. And calling me at work to apologize. We have decided to try to sit down and spend some time every week end just to talk and try to concentrate on work and our lives during the week. I'll see how that works.
In terms of consequences, I would guess that the atmosphere at home, and the growing awareness of the impact of her actions, have all weighed greatly on the wife's mind. She will not be feeling great about herself, and she will know that she has put her marriage at risk. She knows she hurt her husband, and she knows she has damaged her credibility and integrity.
If she hasn't figured that out she must be deaf.
BR is no fool, and I think he has handled this situation very well, preferring effective and productive measures to actions motivated solely by anger or a desire for payback.
Obviously, there are some here who think I am a fool. That's OK. I am a big boy and I understand the pain some are in makes them give the same advice no matter what the exact circumstances.
Tonight, we are getting away from this for a few hours. I am going with her to the health club. I will lift weights and she will take a spinning class. And then we will go home and eat dinner.
There has been no hysterical bonding. I guess that is because for whatever reason I do not feel like I have to
reclaim" her. From what?? Not a guy she loved or had an emotional affair with. i never got "cut off" sexually, or affection wise. But despite it all, I am getting "horny" for her. But to her credit, she has not tried to rush me and initiate like she used to. I am feeling like she is scared to do that.
ODONNA
I would like to know more about her journal of that is OK. Has she always kept a journal? Is it filled with all her life events? Was this a special “affair journal” devoted just to that?
Do her entries celebrate the affair? Are they emotional as well as factual? What does she say about how she feels about the affair? Does she say anything about what would happen if
I'll give you simple answers. She has not always kept a journal to my knowledge, but from what I have seen she started a good amount of time before this started. I have no interest in 20 years ago.
It was NOT an affair journal. She wrote about all sorts of shit, running, work, kids. If you saw the movie with Richard Gere called "unfaithful", she did not feel good after the first time. But just like in the movie, once she did it once she separated it from reality. Her communication with "girlfriend" had much more "affair" stuff.
As far as me finding out and the response, a long time ago she told me if I cheated on a one night stand while travelling she probably could forgive me. I never responded or committed to likewise. The fact is most men will make the statement cheating is an absolute dealbreaker. But the other fact is that does not happen in most cases, at least not the first time.
But remember, she like all never thought I would find out.
I hope that answers your questions.
I have three questions for a polygraph pretty much settled in my mind. But I want to wait to do it.
And there has been no break of NCfrom the VAR.
She told open marriage girlfriend that since she won't be running together anymore, it would be best if their contact goes back to once a month or so at work where they are in a meeting together.
Right now, one day at a time is what I am trying to do.
