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Yes you’re right. I do understand that I do have options and control over a lot of things. Would anything change if I see a solicitor when we are waiting for the house to sell? It’s like I have to wait for this before things can get in motion and I can then move on. I am going to make plans to move into my parents because this will put safety in place and allow me to be around the people who care. This should also allow me to enjoy more of my time whilst I am detached from the reality until the house sells.

I don’t contact him at all and haven’t done for a long time now. But have seen him when he collects DD and drops her off. I’ve arranged to drop her off at his mums today so I don’t have to see him. So that will give me until Sunday when I will have to collects DD as both sets of parents away and unable to step in.

My loyalties lie with my DD and this is my main reason for not blowing things up and not wanting to fight etc. I don’t want to be difficult for difficults sake when it comes to contact with her. I want that transition to be as smooth as possible, despite his unwanted behaviour. Due to my job I am all too aware of the impact that may have on my DD.

I want nothing more than this whole situation to stop and I can move on with my life with DD. But we’ve now got to be in limbo for an unknown amount of time which is torture.

Does having a nascent decision and a blooming plan help your anxiety? I find that I always breathe a sigh of relief when I know which way I am going. Maybe start sorting and boxing up your clothes as a first step toward making your plan real.

I have been sorting my closets the last two weeks for a yard sale next weekend, and even though this has nothing to do with moving or big life decisions it still feels good to create order and purge junk. Try it!

See your solicitor before you sell the house.

Not sure the rules in England but in the states if you are separated, there are certain rules etc regarding marital property.

The worse thing that happens is you know what your options are!

Oh Odonna, you read my mind. I have been tackling my attic! I can’t believe how many clothes I have bought my DD in her short life. Think I must of had a problem (won’t admit that one to WH). I’ve been selling her (baby) belongings on eBay and making some good amount of money. Doing this does make you feel great, I would agree. I’m not going to rush into moving as this is a big thing that requires planning and packing up properly. So like you said I can start to box things up and slowly work towards that goal.

I think I need to revisit my list of ‘to do’s’ which also helps to feel in control. The problem with me is I want things doing yesterday! Which this situation being as torturous as it is it’s also going to last a while. Both of which is unbearable at times. I am going to sort getting things into my name too, change address to my parents. No harm in this no matter where I end up they’re always be my parents.

Plus I need to reward myself. Stepping back and assessing my situation and then acting upon my plans gives me power. Need to try and control my wobbles more. They hold me back at times.

Hi mamadragon - I have done this but plan on doing it again with a different solicitor to get more advice with a free hour slot. Especially before I move out to my parents and him move back in. Lots of people would say don’t but my health is more important in all of this. Also meeting a girlfriend next week who has just completed on her divorce so she can give me clear guidance as she steered it all because her H was useless.

Unless I have missed the chapter that includes empowerment and raising your self esteem following rejection.

That's the "get a life" part. And you know what?.. it's the same for all of us whether we R or D. We all learn a new kind of self-reliance because the person we counted on most let us down. That sounds kind of sad on the surface, but really, it can be turned to our favor. It's so hard to break away from the innocent trust we once had in regard to other people, but after betrayal, we learn that we are strong, resilient, and capable. The trust we had for our spouse now resides with us. We are no longer naive, and of course there's grief and nostalgia there, but the trade-off is a new and satisfying relationship with ourselves. We discover that we are MIGHTY.

It's hard to feel mighty whenever the wobbles crop up, but trust that you are. Hell, you've already got your to-do list back in your hand. Put "interview solicitors" on top. You might get lucky and find one who has creative ideas about payment.

((hugs))

I'm sorry it's been hard lately. Sending hugs to you! You've been doing so well about so much of this...but I'm afraid you're doing the wrong thing now.

I think maybe this is the issue: both you and he are confused about the different duties of wife and mother. He has fired you as a wife, but he still expecting you to do some of the wifely duties. After you to decide not to be together, if you follow the traditional route of 50/50 visitation, your job is to give your daughter all of the love, care and support you can in the hours that you are allotted to have her. Your job is to show up at the scheduled times and to be reliable and responsible for her in the hours that you have agreed to. Of course, that doesn't mean you stop loving her or stop calling her or keeping in touch with her during that time, but she is not your responsibility during those hours.

It sounds like when you two were married you had an agreement that you would take up the slack when he had to have business meetings or go away for travel. That is normal in a married couple's relationships. It is one of the things you do for your spouse because your spouse does things for you. I used to do the same thing in my marriage, but when I got a divorce, I was no longer available to take up that slack. My ex used to have to work late (lol...actually legitimately a lot of the time) and travel, and although I didn't like him being gone that much, I accepted the inconvenience of not having much time for myself. That was a wifely duty, not a motherly duty.

It would be extremely unfair if he would expect you to keep performing that wifely duty when he has fired you from the job. Is it okay that he is giving the affection and attention to the OW while still expecting you to take up the slack whenever he needs it? Of course it isn't!

Please don't let your concern for your daughter's well-being weaken you on this point. If you married him and had children with him, he must have at least basically decent parenting skills. By stepping back and requiring him to step up, you are doing good for every single person in your situation. You are helping him learn how to prioritize his time and dedicate more of that time to his child. You are helping your daughter to establish a better more reliable relationship with her father. And equally importantly, you are keeping yourself from going insane during this time. You are setting standards and you're requiring other people to meet the standards. Well actually, you being tough about this is bad for one person in your situation...the OW. She doesn't love your daughter, so when your H had to break plans with her, limit their alone time and vacations, that's going to annoy her. Bonus points!

Every time that you fold and take responsibility for your daughter during the times that you have not already agreed to, you are allowing him to spend unrestricted time with the OW. You are allowing their relationship to blossom freely and without limitations. You are allowing him to choose the other woman over his own daughter. None of that is acceptable. If he's being selfish and childish right now, the only way you can stop this from happening is to establish a set schedule and require him to stick with it. That means if he has to travel for work he's going to have to tell them that he either can't travel or he's going to have to travel on the days when he doesn't have his child. Or he will have to find a reliable family member or possibly a college student to take care of your child during that time.

Eventually a year or two down the road once he has gotten in the habit of being responsible, you can revisit the idea of being more open with the schedule. That's how it was for me and my ex. We started out very strict so that he could fully understand what it means to be a real parent 50% of the time. He stepped up and it surprised me because he was so used to letting me be responsible.

Now that he is doing his job, I feel much happier and more at peace in my heart, and I am much more willing to accommodate him when he has special scheduling needs. He also knows that I mean business and he would never think of doing anything like scheduling a vacation without asking me first. If he did schedule a vacation like that, I would tell him that he needs to cancel it or rebook it because I already have obligations.

I agree with the other posters that what this means is you need to start having some guidelines. It's not the house that's really holding you together. It's that you are still involved with each other in so many ways. Conversations that you have and trying to deal with all of this childcare is too hard on you right now. Those things are remnants of your husband and wife relationship. Just out of curiosity can you not start the divorce before the house is sold? Why does selling the house affect anything?

Whatever the status of the divorce , as soon as his little vacation is over, I would sit him down and clearly state that things are going to change. I would come up with an ironclad visitation agreement and tell him that you expect him to fulfill his obligations as far as that visitation schedule. Tell him that if you need someone to watch your child during times when he has other things, that is now his concern to arrange safe, loving care for her because he has fired you from that job. And before you say,"Oh no! I could never let somebody else take care of my child when my husband is running off and leaving her!" remember, if you find some cool college student to watch your child for a couple of days, she's probably going to think of that as an amazing adventure. As much as we want to think we're the only ones that can love our child properly , unfortunately he is placed you in a situation where you won't always have that control in the future.

It will feel uncomfortable standing up for yourself in the first couple of months if you still tries to take advantage of it, but if you consistently and calmly remind him of the schedule and tell him that he is obligated to follow it, eventually things will change. He will begin to understand that it is no longer your duty to take over whenever he has things come up. It will get a lot easier over time if you handle the situation consistently. Also, remind him that if he is not following the visitation schedule, this is something that will look bad in court when you do go for the final divorce.

Sorry this is so long, but this is something I feel really passionate about. One of the gifts that your husband has given you as a result of this affair is that now you have the right to have the private time for yourself that you probably never had before. Maybe you don't even want it, but it is going to be good for you. That is the time you can use to take care of yourself, to rest and relax, and to build those other interests that will make you feel like a whole person again. I can tell you I feel like a 100% better parent when I have had a little time away from my children. I am much more patient and happy.

So please don't be worried about what he thinks or the marriage counselor thinks. When it comes down to it, you know what is right. That is why this is bothering you and your heart so much. You know you're being taken advantage of and nobody likes that. Ultimately, standing up for yourself and setting some guidelines will help all of you to be healthier, happier , and to have a better coparenting relationship in the future

There isn’t anything stopping me filing for divorce but will need to seek further advice on this. I’ve got 3 appointments booked next week at citizens advice, solicitor and with friend who has just gone through it all. This will be a good opportunity to gather further information.

With regards to the childcare you’ve hit the nail on the head because I am trying to facilitate him to prevent my DD from becoming hurt or let down but I can’t do that. I can’t control his behaviour. I can only control what I do and how consistent I am with her. His parenting skills were good but requires a lot of support from me. I also have to succumb to this changing and him finding his own way and making his own mistakes. He doesn’t have a clue, but that’s not my issue. And he finds it very hard prioritising others over his needs.

With regards to the OW he can crack on I won’t be putting barriers in place there. He’s miserable, angry and messed up which is both his and the OW’s doing. So he can see her as much as he wants. I want to extract myself from

Their hurricane and move on with my peaceful, care free and loving life with family and friends that matter.

You have a really good attitude, Newbeginings dispite all the hardships you are experiencing. Stay strong. You will get through this and be better than ever!

I am sorry your WH turned out to be not so good but am glad you found out earlier rather than several more years down the line.

One thing that still eats at me though is that he so blatantly told you he had a total of three affairs and seemed okay with it. Sounds like he is in lala land with lots of fog clogging his brain. He disgusts me. You are better off without him.

Better off without him...that’s for sure!

I went to my own IC today who has experience in relationships and individual work. She was good. We are going to concentrate on me and how I can move forward and focus on strategies that can allow me to shine again. She talked a lot about knowing yourself and that brings power. She also explained how it’s important to tell my DD why I am upset and to not just say I am sad. She said that children often blame themselves and she may think it’s her fault why I’m upset. Which I think is the case because she has been telling me she loves me a lot recently. We agreed that explaining to her that I’m upset because daddy doesn’t live with us anymore and it’s important for her to know that friendships do come to an end and people do fall out, but that’s it’s ok and it’s ok to be sad sometimes.

We also spoke about how the mornings are so bad. She asked if I was dreaming. Which I’m sure I am but don’t remember. I am able to consciously distract myself in the daytime but during the night my brain is obviously processing it all and when I wake up it’s a shock at times. Reality hits! I have had 3 days now with absolutely NC and can feel my mood improving.

I’m off to see my auntie for the weekend whilst DD is with WH. I will miss her like hell, but it will give me some nice me time and head space.

How did your visit go? I've been wondering how you're doing.

The visit went well. Was able to have a nice time just chatting and enjoying nice company. I’ve started having bad side effects to antidepressants I was put on last week. So not slept well for 4 nights and feel terrible. Really low in mood and struggling to motivate myself. Just been to see IC and followed it up with some retail therapy and a tea and cake. But feel like I’m in another world at times, just surviving and breathing. Having no enjoyment, feel like I have lost everything I ever had, I don’t even feel like my DD is my own anymore. I have to share her and be away from her all of a sudden.

My family have been spending time with me this week due to dip in mood. I’m planning on taking time off work and derailing my current life - the bits I can control of course. Moving in with parents, changing DD childcare, letting my parents liaise with WH. Feels like a jump off a cliff but a jump I need to take (and you have all been encouraging me to take) to get better. I’ve been waiting for the anger to arrive and it isn’t so this needs to be done for my own sanity. My home and marriage has been destroyed anyway so not sure what I’m waiting for?! I didn’t want to make a big decision and regret it but I’ve realised that decision was made for me months ago when he walked out.

In case you wondered....he’s still a knob. He cried seeing my DD wipe my tears away.

Over the past few weeks, as your posts began to show more wobble, I was worried that depression might be settling in. Bear in mind that it's completely normal under the circumstances and that you WILL come out on the other side. New meds typically take about two weeks to work. That said, if your side effects are too bad, call your doctor and get it changed. There are many types of antidepressant and it's typical to try a few before you arrive on the right one.

I didn’t want to make a big decision and regret it but I’ve realised that decision was made for me months ago when he walked out.

In case you wondered....he’s still a knob. He cried seeing my DD wipe my tears away.

I'm glad you've started seeing this guy for what he is. It's painful, but it's also the first step out of the hell of limbo. You begin to see that everything is (and has been) all about him. You had NOTHING to do with any of this. It was never about you. Even his crocodile tears aren't genuine because they don't result in ACTION. From the day he walked out, and no matter what kind of lip service he offered, he's never taken one step to correct his actions. And yeah, it's hurtful to realize that the one person you gave everything to doesn't reciprocate that feeling. But sweetie, what sucks more is to waste your youth and vitality on a man who's innately incapable of that kind of depth. You'll never get a minute of your time back, and I tell you that as a woman who's keenly aware of the passage of time.

You will be okay. It's going to be difficult for awhile, and you'll feel the challenge of it. But I promise you, when you come out on the other side, you'll be strong and confidant. You have a beautiful soul. It shows here every time you enter a post. And it will NOT be denied. Have faith in yourself.

((big hugs))

👍 Chamomile tea. It’s hard to face reality when you’re still in shock isn’t it?!. I’m still waiting for my anger to arrive, it’s hard to sit and wait for feelings to come. But thinking this may occur once I’ve made the steps necessary to prioritise me and DD. I feel like I have finally lost everything. But I haven’t have I? I still have my DD, family, friends, work and all the positives I hold in my heart. It’s a new path I have to walk now. Not necessarily a worse one, just different. I can’t wait now to be all moved into my mums and settled. Couldn’t happen soon enough.

I feel like I have finally lost everything. But I haven’t have I? I still have my DD, family, friends, work and all the positives I hold in my heart

You're right. You still have all the important stuff. It's just the depression which colors so much and speaks in catastrophic terms. In reality, you've lost about 180 pounds of lying man and your naivety. The rest is up to you. He can't take more than you let him.

((hugs))

NB, it's okay to experience the sadness you are currently feeling. You are mourning the death of your marriage and the marriage to a man you thought he was.

He is a loser and this is what you are eventually going to see. Your WH reminds me of a deputy my FWH used to work with.

When my FWH was on patrol, he told me about a domestic case going on between this particular deputy and his wife. They had to go to his house several times because he was cheating on his current wife with another female deputy and his current wife was devastated because she loved the man she thought he was. They had already split but his current wife then was having a hard time with it. He was such a creeper.

Fast forward a few years later, now married to the women deputy he cheated with and two kid's later...what do you think happened next? He cheated on her!!!

His mistress turned wife got exactly what she deserved (sadly because two more kid's were involved in this mess).

One day while my FWH and I were out shopping, we saw him with his 3rd women mistress happily dancing around her and her family like a teenager boy, not the grown ass man he was suppose to be. His behavior was so gross and inappropriate.

This is how I see your WH, always chasing the next tail. Until your WH gets help or someone does it to him, I can't see him changing. He may never change.

Try to realize that you are getting out of this sick marriage before anymore damage is done against you, your child and your family. I can not imagine your WH new relationship will last. And remember that this new relationship with his mistress is being built on infidelity, lies, deceit. Not the ingredients for a happy, loving and faithful relationship and especially marriage.

I think you dodged a bullet here. Still gets to me that he so causally stated that he had a total of three affairs and yet you thought you were the one and only. You wait and watch and see, your WH will get his. The karma bus is coming.

Yeah it is sadness that I feel. I think the reality and depression has finally set in. I’ve not had a good day now for weeks. I have come away with friends who are so supportive but feel like I am in a complete fog. Everyone and the world is moving around me and I am stood still. Why is it when you buy a new car or are pregnant you notice the same car and lots of pregnant ladies?! I now see lots of couples who appear happy.

I’m fully aware that I am in control of my own happiness and my negative thoughts belong to me. But life is extremely hard when you are put in the situation without any warning. To have known someone for such a long time who was your everything, your rock to dissolve but is still present in a new hideous form is brutal. I want nothing more than to walk with my head held high with not a care in the world.

This is why it's so important to put the energy and focus on yourself. Self-care after intimate betrayal is vital, but it has to become more than just making sure you're getting enough sleep and proper nutrition. It evolves to active loving and nurturing, much as from a parent to a child. IOW, sometimes you have to love yourself enough to be strict.

We know we have to get enough sleep, drink water, watch our diet. But we also know we need to get some light exercise, meet up with friends, notice beauty, look for reasons to smile. And these things are soooo very hard to do when we're depressed. Of course, that's when it becomes imperative that we love ourselves enough to allow the mind to rule the heart, to be strict for the sake of knowing what's best for us, like a parent to a child. I know that sounds really dissociative, but in a healthy way, I think. We turn love into action and we direct it toward our own heart.

Give yourself the kind of love you'd give to your child if she were in your position. Keep prodding her along until she finds her way through.

((big hugs))

I think this will come easier once I’m around people who care about me and can help me nurture myself too. Ive been trying to adapt my thinking and undertake self care tips to help me boost my confidence. I didn’t realise that I lacked self esteem or confidence before this. But like you said the intimate betrayal will have contributed to this massively.

I’ve had just good days since DDay and these consisted of my mind thinking sod him, he’s not worth it. I’m just unable to think like this at the moment. I can’t stop thinking about him and the OW and I’ve been left in the gutter. But then this on its head to all the things you have all said to me. That I’m too good for him, I’m the diamond, the one who can be faithful in a relationship and committed. These are the things I need to remind myself. My IC is helping me on my confidence and I am thinking of signing up for a run 🏃🏼‍♀️ for something to focus on.

Well I managed to sleep for 8 hours with 3 wake ups last night without taking my herbal sleeping tablets. I have also woken up in a average mood so there are 2 positives.

...and I am thinking of signing up for a run 🏃🏼‍♀️ for something to focus on.

What a great idea! Not only does it hit your need for exercise, it's a short term, achievable goal you can use to focus your mind's eye toward the future. The future doesn't have to be big and scary, you know. It's next week or next month too. This engages both body and brain as you train and actively plan (creatively visualize) a future event.

Brava! Do it!

((hugs))