SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been checking in to see how you’re getting on and I wanted to say I’ve been thinking of you. Depression and anxiety are a sane response to the insane things you’ve been going through. I know you’ve been given lots of things to read, and that finding the time and motivation can be hard, but if you do want to there is a fantastic book about depression called Lost connections. It helped me to accept and understand my depression when my life felt unmanageable. It gave me ideas for self care and recovery. You’re doing so well getting help already. Running is very helpful even if it feels awful at the time. I used the couch to 5k app, which is free. It got me running after a major op and I regularly manage 5k now because of it.

Take care and keep talking xxx

Please stop being available for him. Restrict your conversations to only your child and your shared finances. He has removed his access to the rest by firing you

Been thinking of you NB. How are you doing? I think signing up for the run is a fantastic idea. Working out at the gym has really helped me. Like you said, it can give focus plus there are the endorphins to help with mood and just working through the anxiety with exercise is helpful to dissipate that ball of stress feeling. Plus you will have a goal to look forward to. It's okay to feel the grief and loss. Please go easy on yourself. You are moving through some rough waters.

I’m feeling a lot better this week. Meds have worn off, I’m sleeping again and enjoying my time with DD. WH is on a downward again and trying to make contact. This has been ignored. All DD handover has been arranged through my parents and all communications have stopped.

I’ve set myself a goal to run everyday if possible and this to be in the morning when I am at my worst. Being at my parents facilitates this as they can babysit whilst I’m out. I’ve done quite a few 10k’s so thinking a half marathon could be a good target.

I’ve got the gp and IC again this week to help boost my mood a bit further.

Good to hear you're feeling better this week NB, and I like your plan!

Newbeginnings, you are better than your WH is. Much better!! Keep reaching for the light. It is there. You will find your happiness once again and you will be stronger and more confident than you ever thought possible. Your broken heart will heal and you will be whole once again. Give your self some time though to move past this. And try to take care of yourself one day at a time.

So glad that you are moving in with your parents and will be surrounded by family and friends to help you move past this betrayal. You've got this!

Thanks burninghouse and hurtmyheart.

Did anyone else feel trapped whilst finances and desperation was being sorted? Once I have started to come to terms with it all my anxieties are around feeling trapped and just wanting to sever all ties with WH. When I’m having a good day I enjoy the freedom I now have but then reality sets in and I realise that I’m actually financially and physically still tied to him. We need to put our heads together and invent a process that makes separation as speedy and cut throat as DDay!

Did anyone else feel trapped whilst finances and desperation was being sorted?

Yes...at the time, I was a SAHM and relied heavily on my WH income. My WH was divorcing me because he THOUGHT I was cheating on him. Lol I wasn't. Never have, never will. He was so rediculous in his thinking back then.

At the time, around seven years ago, my mom passed from cancer and old age, my WH was trapped in alcohol addiction and he was divorcing ME!

I was in charge of the trust for my mom's house and money...was in charge of dividing and clearing out my mom's assests from her house and putting it up for sale, almost 60 years of stuff. And had to deal with several family members attitudes and my mentally ill brother was also living in my mom's house and other family members. It was a party house for at least two years after my mom's death.

I also had to clean out my house (WH was already gone). Son moved out at that time, my dog was dying of cancer, two of my brothers had passed away from alcohol and drug addiction. I had my hands full having to deal with a lot of alcoholism and drug addiction from family members and WH. Did I say WH was divorcing me?? Being served

Then the waves of panic that I had never felt in my life consumed me. It was severe.

Fortunately, WH was still helping me out financially and my daughter was still at home. But the truth is that I never knew if I was going to have money to pay the bills. I felt so trapped and overwhelmed. It was horrible! This completely sent me into panic attacks. I was so scared and frozen at the time. So, so scared and could hardly breath. I had so much on my plate to deal with and the money from my mom's trust wasn't quite there yet. And I had my WH harassing me and family members wanting their money and being difficult.

The best thing I did for myself was to slow down and take things one day at a time. And for me, I allowed God to lead the way. And he did. And believe me, it all worked out in the end.

After my mom's house sold, we each got over $100,000. I now had choices and I was beginning to make them for an independent life without my WH and all his issues. I felt power and my confidence began to grow and I was dreaming. It was so freeing!! I was going for it despite all the heavy burdens I was carrying.

But life does have it's way and when all was said and done, my WH and I came back together. At the time, my daughter was living at home and I was afraid my WH was going to die because he was drinking excessively. So, I made a choice to stay, of course with promises. It was my choice.

You can and will get through this NB and come out stronger than ever! I love who I am today! I am so much better and life is good. It took work, lots of work to get to this place in my life. My WH worked on his issues also.

Just keep moving forward and do what you can do and keep taking baby steps each day. Have your family and friends help you to move forward. I asked my daughter to help jump start cleaning out our house and get it ready to move out of. Once she did this for me, there was no stopping me. I did mostly everything on my own. My biological family did not know what I was going through. I kept it to myself for the most part. I only opened up to family members I could trust at the time. Lean on those who you can trust. Have them help you to move forward. You've got this.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 3:42 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

What do people think about someone telling me I should keep contact with WH as doing no contact is running away from the issue and therefore puts you in a position were you don’t move on?!

I thought what a load of rubbish. Especially if you’re dealing with a narcissist. No contact is vital there - they would be forever entrenched in your emotions if you didn’t do no contact or take come control back.

I’ve been to the doctor his morning and got 2 weeks off. Nipped into work and sorted work load out. Feel a bit better now. I do love work, but need time to myself and one less thing to organise and stress about. Since DDay I’ve been so indecisive about things and second guessing everything is doing. All part of the rollercoaster feeling no doubt.

No contact is your best course for your sanity and moving ahead with your life. No question. Your narcissist WH will just try to hoover you back in to keep his attention supply going. Focus on you and what you and your dd need to heal. Hurtmyheart has an inspirational journey and many others have been there. You will too. It’s just so very hard at the beginning. Good luck.

People who haven't been intimately betrayed rarely have an appropriate understanding of the dynamics in play. They tend to think it's like some Hollywood rom-com where everybody ends up being buddies. Even people who sincerely try to empathize miss the mark. I mean, did you fully understand betrayal until it happened to you? I know I didn't. I consider myself to be an empathetic person, but there are some things in life we just can't fully imagine until they happen to us.

NC isn't just about evading new hurts. It's also about boundaries. Most BS's, whether they R or D, will find themselves with a whole new attitude toward boundaries. This is something the average person rarely notices, but post-betrayal, most of us find that we hone in on the subject with laser focus. Our boundaries were often quite lax, if we had any at all. We tolerated way more encroachment than was in our own best interest, but now... our tolerance for people stepping on our toes is at an all time low. And we notice when other people don't have good boundaries. We notice when people are self-centered and when their selfishness is slopping onto others. We notice when their actions don't align with their words.

This is all toothpaste which doesn't squeeze back into the tube, something we carry away from the experience of intimate betrayal. And frankly, it can serve us in the future, as we AVOID users and notice instead like-minded people who respect our boundaries, who are mindful of their own, and who properly reciprocate in relationship with us.

Whoever told you that you that NC is "running away from the issue" is wrong. And frankly, that's not their fault. This is a unique experience that most people just don't understand, no matter how much they might want to, not unless they've really lived it and unless they're still empathetic enough to relive it emotionally. And that's okay. You just shore up your own boundaries and stick to your plan.

((hugs))

It was part of a getting over a break up and motivational self help audio i down loaded. But I’ve found many opinions since DDay and realised like you have both said that you need to do what is best for yourself to heal and the others around you that are affected by it also. I have found myself noticing other people’s boundaries and the lack of them I had in my marriage before all this. You get comfortable with someone and go along with the flow. I’ve been completely shocked by the need for them now after being put into this situation. It is frightening to be so close to someone for so long and then have to detach instantly and feel the need to run as fast as you can In the opposite direction to them.

I have also found it difficult recently to feel like anything belongs to me anymore. Not sure if anyone else felt like this? Like my work for instance. This is a place where only I would go, my WH knew all about what i did at work but never visited or met my work colleagues. But now I feel like that belongs to my old life and driving there and performing is also attached to my past, which has gone. I don’t have comfort in anything anymore.

I met with a friend of a friend today who had recently got divorced and went through a similar situation. WH cheated but she asked him to leave. She told me, like you all have that I will be happy in time and taking small steps everyday will help my new life fall into place. She’s happy being single and caring for her 3 children. She likes her life and says that he did her a favour. She told me that it sounds like my WH will return at some point due to the relationship he reports to have with OW but I need to be strong when this happens and say NO!

I have also found it difficult recently to feel like anything belongs to me anymore. Not sure if anyone else felt like this? Like my work for instance. This is a place where only I would go, my WH knew all about what i did at work but never visited or met my work colleagues. But now I feel like that belongs to my old life and driving there and performing is also attached to my past, which has gone. I don’t have comfort in anything anymore.

That's actually what finally sent me to therapy after white-knuckling it for two years after DDay. I wanted nothing to do with my old life.. which, unfortunately, included interacting with my friends and family. I think a good bit of that is colored by depression, and some is processing the loss of identity. We wear so many hats in life.. wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, employee, etc. When we're betrayed and rejected at such an intimate way by the person we most trusted, the loss strikes right down to our core identity. The more you reassert your own identity, the stronger it will become. When you dig into what makes you unique, what you like, what you don't.. you get back to your core.

I do think fear of abandonment can also be in play. I think maybe we start to associate our old life and our old habits with getting hurt. It's kind of like a cat with urinary symptoms not wanting to use their litter box. They pee in various other places because they've associated urinary pain with the litter box. They've got no frame of reference for urinary crystals, lack of hydration, or infection, so they go looking for a different place to pee. They're controlling what they can.

When you start looking at it from the control aspect, we're avoiding things which hurt us, even when the associations are benign. The brain has made the association even though we haven't applied logic to it. I was working at a garden center when the betrayal occurred, ergo potted plants trigger an emotional response to abandonment and betrayal. Rationally, I KNOW that potted plants won't hurt me, but somehow they've lost their appeal. Brains are funny things, right? The obvious answer is to plant a garden, even if my emotional response to that idea is "meh". The more I plant, the more I'll start noticing the flowers.

Infidelity at it's core is an abandonment wound and we are hard-wired to fear it. When it happens, it breaks open every other abandonment we've ever experienced and the brain gets busy trying to prevent pain and control outcomes. Some of that, as you're seeing, is nonsensical, just weird associations that we're not even aware of. I know I recommended The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. Did you ever get a chance to read it? She does a pretty awesome job of explaining things.

You always manage to explain things so well. I like the example of the cat. I’ve been peeing all over the place recently and then thinking ‘should I of peed there?’ 🤣

Planting a garden and appreciating the flowers for what they are and not what they may have resembled is good for you. I think we have more fears now that we have been betrayed intimately and tackling these fears can seem impossible. The simplest of things we once performed and took for granted are now all part of the grieving process and the depression. I’m sure the more we move forward to new things the old parts that are still present become new also.

God this shit is hard! I hope my WH experiences only half of what he has done to me (he could only cope with that amount) to realise what it is like. Absolutely brutal. And you’re right that it does drag up every betrayal and abandonment you’ve ever experienced before.

Hi all BS’s,

Could people give me some advice on how long it took their WH’s to get the deal with NC?! It’s been nearly 5 months now since DDay and at least 2 months since NC. But I’m still getting stupid fishing messages/phone calls that are DD/finance/house related but I don’t feel that they are the true reason. He continues to try and hoover for information about my life. I don’t know if it is because he’s not getting ego strokes from the OW so he’s searching for these. He will go days/weeks without contacting but then I get bombarded by messages. Which consist of requests of pictures of DD or asking to confirm what time he has her from and till, despite this being arranged via email. So he already has confirmation. He came to collect DD this morning from my mums and he rang just before this, which my mum answered. He was asking if I wanted a coffee from local coffee shop?! WTF?!

Hopefully this will stop once we have sorted divorce and finances out. But I’m worried that we will always have DD and therefore he always has an excuse. Not so long ago this would have me in floods of tears. I would be thinking he’s made a mistake. He can’t live without me. But this is now just annoying and I wish he would just sod off!

NB x

Sweet girl - many of them never ever stop.

Until about a year ago (d-day in 2011 and divorce in 2013) I would still get fishing texts.

Ridiculous. He is still with the OW - he'd cheated with her the last five yrs of our 26 year marriage - but would still send the occasional longing text. Geeeez!

I never responded to them because they were just pleas for ego kibble from a once abundant supplier - me!! The last time he declared that I would always be the love of his life. That one deserved a response. I texted back "that is a distinction that I do not want".

From then on our very limited communication is about the finances of our college aged kids.

So recognize it for what it is - he is suffering a lonely moment, he needs your special flavor of kibble or he and schmoopie are fussing. He's a shallow puddle of emotion - don't mistake it for new found depth or enlightenment.

Hugs honey. Remember, this is still all so fresh for you.

NC is best, obviously. Cheaters enjoy the kibbles, and they don't always care if the attention is positive or negative. It still provides them with centrality. They feel oh-so important, dining on how broken you are without them.

That said, I do believe that there's some merit in letting them know that the contact is unwanted. So yeah, I'd probably wait until the divorce is final, then slap that hand at least once. And I mean I would UNLOAD on him. He'd know beyond any shadow of doubt that he's persona non grata going forward after that exchange. Keep your powder dry until after the negotiations are done though.

Hi all,

I’m doing much better than my first post back in August. A lot has changed since then and I am adapting to my new life more each week. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days too.

I’m still getting confusing messages from WH. I’m sure these may be cake eating, frightened I’m moving on, narcissist tendencies, but I would like some clarification if possible. Because they make me wobble and I get thrown off course. NC remains as much as physically possible with small DD and a house sale and D to deal with.

Recent one liners...

1. I might regret it in 6, 12, 18 months time but I am doing what feels right now. We got together too young and I am emotional more mature now.

2. I love you. I want you to get back on your feet and will do anything to support you.

3. My counsellor has suggested I have an unhealthy relationship with women - she thinks I need them to validate how I feel and they need to be part of my identity.

4. I’ve got issues I need to work on. I had a relationship with a psycho for 2 weeks then got with you for 15 years.

5. My new relationship is up and down due to my situation and because she blows hot and cold.

6. I don’t want a serious relationship and I might never be happy again.

7. How can I sort things with your parents? I could write to them.

8. I want to get on for the sake of DD. Tears up....both move on, become independent and spend time together, attend our DD wedding etc.

But still separated, house sale going through. He’s put an offer in on a house.

NB x

He’s put an offer in on a house.

Actions, not words. There's his action ^^^^.

Your WH has been consistent in his efforts toward image management.

THAT's what he cares about. He doesn't like the idea that you (or anyone else) might think he's an asshole who isn't worth your time or effort. And... kibbles. It's probably quite validating to think that you're still hanging on for his dubious friendship, and that decades from now when you turn up, old, frail, and alone at your DD's wedding, you'll still be pining for him.

The truth is that when your DD gets married, you'll be so far beyond all this. You'll have a new life, a new and better partner, and you won't be able to identify with what you ever saw in this guy.

. I might regret it in 6, 12, 18 months time but I am doing what feels right now. We got together too young and I am emotional more mature now.

2. I love you. I want you to get back on your feet and will do anything to support you.

3. My counsellor has suggested I have an unhealthy relationship with women - she thinks I need them to validate how I feel and they need to be part of my identity.

4. I’ve got issues I need to work on. I had a relationship with a psycho for 2 weeks then got with you for 15 years.

5. My new relationship is up and down due to my situation and because she blows hot and cold.

6. I don’t want a serious relationship and I might never be happy again.

7. How can I sort things with your parents? I could write to them.

8. I want to get on for the sake of DD. Tears up....both move on, become independent and spend time together, attend our DD wedding etc.

Also... go back through all that mess he's said and underline the LIES. He's not "more emotionally mature". He's demonstrably LESS emotionally mature. He doesn't love you. People who love you don't stab you in the back. Yeah, I get it that he most likely doesn't realize he's lying, but that doesn't make his statements true. Underline every lie you see. Do you really believe he "wants to get on" for DD, or do you think it's more comfortable for HIM??

Hang in there, Sweetie. A better life is coming. You just have to hold onto what you know to be true and love yourself enough not to settle for less than you deserve.

((hugs))

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 5:17 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

I sometimes think that WS's want to check in on us, to see that we are devastated, in order to validate that they are worthy of love. Like their absence from our lives leaves such a void means that they are meaningful and important people.

When they see us being fine, functioning and excelling, well that just doesn't fill the cup they need filling.