SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Interested to know how many couples ended up in divorce because of husband's behavior on the internet and soliciting sex from prostitutes. We have been married for 19 years - all of them involved porn use, backpage activity, searching for random women's profiles on social media, visiting escort websites, and finally culminated in soliciting sex from,and having sex with,prostitutes. Who knows - may not have been the first time. He is dead to me and I'm only hanging in there until my last kid leaves the nest. Anyone else have a similar situation? Seems like most people deal with affairs and not prostitution.

Check out the I Can Relate forum.

This thread:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=624030

is specifically for people whose spouses slept with prostitutes.

I feel you.

Truthfully, if there is one hooker, there is always more. By the time they get caught, it was because he got sloppy. A sex addict was the one that informed me of this, not long after DD, two years ago.

Your husband sounds like a sex addict. They do nothing, but lie...a few here (including myself) are dealing with the exact situation. There is a thread for victims of SAs, under "I Can Relate". I believe that is the link ibonnie posted.

Like you, I plan on leaving. My son is trying up loose ends in college and I am out.

[This message edited by DashboardMadonna at 9:25 PM, September 9th (Monday)]

He is dead to me and I'm only hanging in there until my last kid leaves the nest.

How long do you have to hang on? Weeks? Months? Years? Please find yourself a good counselor-therapist who can work with you so you can cope.

Seems like most people deal with affairs and not prostitution.

My cheating ex didn't have the opportunity to frequent prostitutes during our marriage, but I've learned that during his first marriage, he often had sex with prostitutes while working out of town with his married boss, who did the same. It was recreation to them. My ex admitted this to me, but blamed his first wife for neglecting him sexually and then had the nerve to say it wasn't cheating because he paid for it.

As far as my cheating ex's porn/internet usage, I never really had an issue with it until two incidents occurred. The first was when he asked me to watch it with him. It was the only time I ever did, because of the disgusting, demeaning, objectifying comments he used to describe how well the women on video were performing certain acts. Like they were things to use, and I'm not sure he even remembered I was by his side while watching. I was completely turned off.

The second red flag porn incident occurred when I had been gone for three weeks, was just back home. You'd think he would have been enthusiastic about being with ME after all that time apart. But no, I got up one morning, and caught him masturbating to porn in his shop outside.

It was about this time that I finally started realizing that my husband was just not that into me, and that maybe he wasn't the man I'd thought he was for most of my adult life.

Seems like most people deal with affairs and not prostitution.

Honestly, in a lot of ways, it's a distinction without a difference. Your H paid in dollars, most of the WH's here pay with sweet words. But most are paying, either with time/money/words/gifts or something else. The only thing that distinguishes an A with professionals vs a standard male A is the ease of access/relapse. For every male cheat I know, it's not a "snap decision" to cheat. It's a long drawn out dance with the AP. Takes a lot of time to go from "I'd like to F her" to actually getting there. The thing that's scary about A's with prostitutes, IMHO, is that everything can be great between you and your H, he gets upset about something and 30 minutes later, is sleeping with a pro a few hundred dollars less in his wallet. That's terrifying, the ease where a man can procure and have sex with very attractive women, and unique to men who use prostitutes (vs those who pursue A's with civilians). However, I'd point out, this is exactly the problem that I have as a man with a cheating wife. The world is a brothel to her with the tab being paid by someone else. If my WW decided she wanted to sleep with someone new, hotter, fitter, bigger penis, whatever than me; it would take her less time to find that guy than it would for me to find a prostitute. 10 minutes in any bar in any part of the world, she'd find an AP.

And let me tell you, from my side, yes, it's terrifying. The only salve to the wound is that while it would be laughably easy for my WW to find another man for sex, that's not something that she values (random sex) very much. And, unfortunately, you don't have that luxury; I think every man I've ever known values sex highly, and most enjoy "random sex" quite a bit. And knowing that there's an "unlimited supply" as long as the Amex holds out... I think you have every right to be upset and afraid of that, I know I would be/am.

then had the nerve to say it wasn't cheating because he paid for it.

Wow.. That's some next level s**t right there. Now, I do suspect it had no emotional component at all, but I know that's true for many/most of the male cheats I know who sleep with civilians. But not cheating?? I don't think even the most brazen/awful cheating man I know would have the b*lls to claim that one.

[This message edited by Rideitout at 8:20 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

I highly recommend leaving as soon as you can for your own mental health. Do you absolutely have to stay until your youngest is grown? Is that a long time from now?

Wow.. That's some next level s**t right there. Now, I do suspect it had no emotional component at all, but I know that's true for many/most of the male cheats I know who sleep with civilians. But not cheating?? I don't think even the most brazen/awful cheating man I know would have the b*lls to claim that one.

The idiot I married claimed that too. Well, claimed that since he didn't care about them, it wasn't cheating. I suggested that if that were the case, he should have informed me because I'd missed out for years on the rule where I could with hook up with strangers for sex and it not be cheating.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 11:10 AM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

Hi Aquarius72. Welcome to the club. Yipee!

Yep, I'm in the same boat. Long-term marriage, WH with prostitutes. My story has the added horrors of men and drugs.

I also have a disabled son in his early 20s, and a daughter in high school. She's a senior now... only a few months left.

I second the motion for IC. I've been going weekly for over a year now. My therapist is a lifesaver. Truly.

Hey everyone! I was trying to figure out a way to respond individually to people on here - or do you have to just do a general response at the bottom of the thread?

A lot of you had some great advice and feedback. For those inquiring, yes, I do have a therapist and she's helping me cope as I ride this out. Some of you have also asked how much longer until my youngest leaves the nest - 3 years (she's a sophomore in HS). I don't know if I can wait that long and am thinking more like a year from now, after I get out of my graduate program. This has taken a toll on my physical health and mental health as well. I spent the longest time figuring out what his problem is - addict? Not into me? General douche bag? I'm thinking maybe all of the above.

DashBoardMadonna - yes, he's lied ALOT - sometimes straight to my face and other times by omission. Took forever to get anything out of him at all, employing his classic stonewalling techniques. I am glad to hear that you have plans to leave - you deserve better.

ibonnie - thanks for the link!

NorCalLost - I have since determined that my WH is most likely a misogynist. On top of the sex stuff, he also will call women "Stupid F*KC'ing b&**ches, and has called me that as well when he was mad at me. Granted, it was when I emailed his mother to let her know that he used her credit card to pay for the prostitute! Ha! He also spends a lot of time on YouTube or Facebook watching videos that demoralize and objectify women.

Rideitout - good to hear from a man's perspective on this, and I'm sorry you're experiencing it from your wife. There are many opinions out there that it's "better" and "less painful" if the cheater cheats with a prostitute. How dare they say such a thing! His actions have destroyed our marriage and put my health at risk - and he could have been arrested and lost custody of his children.

DevestatedDee - Thank you for your encouragement - I plan on leaving as soon as financially possible.

DesertLily - thank you! UGH - what you're going through. I'm not sure what your story is, but I'm hoping you have an exit plan sometime in the future.

So...what are the odds he's NOT doing any of this anymore? For the past 8 months or so, I've not been able to find ONE SINGLE SHRED of porn, etc. on his devices. Do you think he's cured? Consider that this is a guy who lied and continued to engage in inappropriate behavior for nearly 20 years. Do you think he's just hiding it better now?

There are many opinions out there that it's "better" and "less painful" if the cheater cheats with a prostitute. How dare they say such a thing! His actions have destroyed our marriage and put my health at risk - and he could have been arrested and lost custody of his children.

Ha, yeah. All it does is remove any potential lie like "she came on to me, I was weak" "but I thought I loved her", etc. Although...and I swear this is true, my XWH actually tried to tell me that two of the prostitutes FORCED themselves upon him and made him pay. I mean, come the fuck on now. That was one of the many "OMG dude shut the fuck up...I chose to marry you and you're making me look dumber every time you open your mouth" moments, lol.

Yours may have stopped for the moment. I don't believe that many stop for long, though. Let things settle down and he'll be right back at it. The reasons he was able to do this are character-based and clearly his character is abysmal.

DevestatedDee - wow, your XWH has some balls. I would have smacked him. My husband said "I just wanted to be touched!" OMG - firstly, he got touched all the time. We would still hug and show affection for each other. Secondly, he did get sex - it wasn't alot, but what did he expect after years of gross and creepy behavior? Is that supposed to turn me on? He's lucky he got what he did, considering the circumstances.

If he hadn't refused to leave our house when I found out, I wouldn't be on this forum still dealing with his mess. He couldn't have handled it with dignity and accountability and walked away - he had to be narcissistic about it, turning it around on me and constantly downplaying the seriousness of what he's done.

Ha ha ha, yeah, I may have yelled at him for quite a long time after he tried that stupidity out on me. I was so freakin' offended that he thought I was that stupid.

Hey, my XWH got sex anytime and any way he wanted it. I was the higher-drive person, I thought. He was quite vanilla with me and I didn't get nearly as much sex as I wanted in that marriage. So it wouldn't have mattered what you did, honestly. You could have badgered him for sex daily and he'd still have cheated. These kinds of cheaters are like that.

I am struggling with this too. Married 20 years. WS used a site to find "sugar babies" which are thinly veiled prostitutes. He went looking for women to buy.

I feel like I don't totally belong anywhere. I don't think WS is a sex addict. The one he was with for 10 months wouldn't have sex with him, because she was too emotionally damaged and she was looking for a nice guy. It was an EA with a prostitute. There were other women, he paid them all, they gave him sob stories, and he paid them more. The EA cried to him about her credit card debt, so he got her out of debt using his credit cards! WS is a massive KISA, and clearly an idiot.

I only found out three months ago, not sure about R, but I am sure I still love him. We had a lot of tragedy in our life together before all this, a stupendously terrible therapist while he was cheating and during the aftermath. TT and assholery through the entire thing. I cannot reconcile who I knew with who he became.

I am waiting to see how the new therapist changes things. I am also trying to sort out how I feel about him now, and if I should even try for R.

Although...and I swear this is true, my XWH actually tried to tell me that two of the prostitutes FORCED themselves upon him and made him pay.

I think you win the Internet today, because that's by far the stupidest thing I've heard of someone saying in a very long time.

I feel like I don't totally belong anywhere. I don't think WS is a sex addict.

You belong here. No matter what dumbf**kery your cheating husband comes up with for his reasons, your still a BS, and this is where you belong. Don't let their head spinning stories (WS's) in anyway change what they did to you/us. My W said she cheated because "I thought you didn't care about me anymore". WTF?!! It was YOU (my WW) who didn't care about ME anymore, you do get that right? But it all gets spun in circles in their minds, don't let it get spun in yours.

I also say, I find the entire concept of SA to be very difficult to swallow. I love sex, like LOVE sex. I sought it out with extreme prejudice for years, saying whatever it took to get it, and doing whatever would give me the best chances to get it. I've never cheated on my W, even when our marriage was bordering on sexless. High drive is not SA. And cheaters are not all SA's. In fact, I'd argue that very, very few are. It's a convenient way to shift blame from their bad character to "I'm sick". You are sick, but being a "sh*tty person" isn't exactly a diagnosis that many will give out. Every time I see someone say "SA" or "FOO issue" I get a little triggered because both of them remove the responsibility from the cheat. No, your bad family life didn't cause it, and no, your "disease" didn't cause it either. Your crappy character and lack of reasoned, rational decision making caused this mess, nothing less, nothing more.

Yep.

Rub and tugs at a massage parlour for 5 years. Same gal.

Then did the pretty woman thing, fell in love with his prostitute and was with her for five years. She of course stopped for him. He was special.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 5:34 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]

Acqaurius I haven't looked at all the responses to your post so maybe this is redundant but there are two groups in the I Can Relate Forum where you might feel in good company-unfortunate but true. There is the EI group--Emotionless Infidelity-typically with prostitutes; there's also the group for partners and spouses of SAs-Sex Addicts. Your H may or may not be.

I've been here on SI for four years now after I discovered my H had been visiting massage parlors for ten years twice weekly. I didn't feel perfectly comfortable with the many traditional affair betrayed but did feel comfortable with the other two groups.

I think that here on SI it's more often than not affairs and not prostitutes but there are many of us for whom that is the situation.

But to find out how many couples end up in divorce because of the behavior you're describing I think would be impossible. As far as I know there are no available statistics on such things and even if there was something out there how reliable would it be. I didn't know for over ten years what my H was doing every week-twice a week. Just reading an article about Georgina Weinstein-she had no idea what's so ever-so how many couples end of divorced because of such betrayals? Im sure a lot but no specific number and what difference would it make to us?

Each of us has to deal with the shock of discovery and then, with help, with a good support team, continue to heal and then figure out or what we want to do; what is the best for us.

I am very sorry for all you are going through now, dealing with now. But you've come to a good place and you sound like you are a strong and smart person who already has a sense of direction.

Oh, and about your question on the odds of whether he stopped--don't know about odds but it is possible he stopped; mine did his stuff for over 10 years but very often; he did stop; he has stopped. I know others who have stopped as well. People do stop habits all the time-people stop smoking, drinking, drugging. People even give up good habits. So it's possible. But again. the question is really about your H and your relationship and your reality--the odds don't give us truth about our situation and our situation is really the only one that counts.

OMG RIO, I agree with every word you wrote. Ha ha, no gender-related disagreements at all. High drive is not sex addict. I still think I had a higher drive than my XWH. Loving sex does not make a person a cheater and I am suspicious of the SA diagnosis, because you don't see these men just screwing anyone and everyone most of the time. They don't "lose control" and whip their dicks out in WalMart. They calculatedly plan their cheating just like anyone else. Character disordered? Sure. Addict? Maybe. I bet very few would truly qualify.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 9:52 PM, September 10th (Tuesday)]

You belong here. No matter what dumbf**kery your cheating husband comes up with for his reasons, your still a BS, and this is where you belong.

Thank you for this. He is saying he was being a self centered asshole, prick, or bastard. This is pretty recent though.

Yargh! Dreaded mobile double post!

[This message edited by MaryannFaithful at 5:25 AM, September 11th (Wednesday)]