Geo, I think you might be getting my story mixed up with another one on here. I never hooked up with a work out friend. Nor do I hang out with random guys. My AP was someone from my past and doesn’t live in the same state. To be better for my BH, answers are necessary. He can’t feel safe until he knows why.
Anyway, finally able to respond to everyone else.
Chaos, I’m for sure working with an IC. I had a slip up yesterday because I felt some frustration that my answers weren’t enough. We got past it though and were able to effectively communicate what we were each feeling in that moment. It was a successful break and return to what we felt. I also agree that we (AP and I) both had some sick addiction to the back and forth game we played.
Hippo, wouldn’t even “because I wanted to” have some more answers behind it? No one just wakes up one day and decided to have an affair, or do they? That’s a scary thought. I am slowly learning to weed through info and take what I need. I have several BS and WS whose opinions I value greatly. Self reflection is hard, but 100% necessary.
ES, thank you for breaking that apart. It gives me a lot more to reflect on and dig into.
Follow, thank you for sending me to your why post. That was also beneficial to read.
Hiking, I often wonder if I will never have the answers for him. Maybe that’s not the point though. Maybe I am finding the answers for me so that I can be a safe person for him again. I need to hunt in order to change. Pairing apologies with specific emotions, is that what you mean? “I’m sorry I made you feel inadequate by doing (x, y, z). I want to help you feel adequate by doing (a, b, c).” The length is the process is tough, but necessary.
Forever, that makes sense. All of it. Especially thinking of a disaster. The trauma of rebuilding a nightmare you didn’t create. It is still so fresh. I wish I could fast forward and just be the person he needs me to be.
BSR, let me clarify a bit. AP would get upset because he’d start really pushing about how I should leave my husband. HM is aware that I was playing AP. He is aware that when AP would get upset, I would give him false hope and/or pacify him. (And it could be as simple as, “Why do you want to fight with me over this?”) I didn’t want to lose the attention. I didn’t want to lose the desire. He would always call me out about how I was never leaving my husband, yet he couldn’t live with that answer either. At least not without a fight. It was like he wanted me there but couldn’t stand my reality. Couldn’t stand being #2 when he used to be #1 (in our past relationship.) But yeah, I have flat out told HM that I completely played with AP’s emotions.
Chance, good luck to you, too. I feel like we both have some deep digging to do.
Beach, it’s good to know that the little things are meaningful too. It’s hard to feel like small efforts are meaningless. This shows me that they’re not without their own benefits.
Lies, I absolutely love this idea. Start with the big issue and break it down. Don’t stop until there are no more whys to answer. This seems super time consuming, but totally worth it. Likely, this will be the best way for me to find out all my whys (besides IC).
Sisoon, we did finally have a timeline 2.0. Not a change in what happened but rather than focusing on the events, we focused on the emotions I felt at every single moment. That was very helpful for both of us and helped me to feel more comfortable answering questions.