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Lost if she can do ALL the work and better herself for you maybe, you can recover. I feel at times that I betrayed myself and stayed when for years I said I would be gone if it ever happened, but I assure you this, if I EVER find out of any other contact with AP now or something in the past 6 years, I am a gone ass!!! I will never again allow betrayal by my spouse to cause me to question myself. I am a good man, I stayed because I do love my wife and for my daughter, but I also love myself now and realize I am worth true devotion and honesty on her part and if She doesnt give it, she ain't worth it!

But I do know her and I do believe that the A with this guy will be the only one and I have have no need to worry about other men.

I don't want to be a jerk, but this statement and your story do not jive. She went right back to her AP and you didn't know until the other BS told you. Its a pretty good bet you left SI the first time because you "knew" your wife and she wouldn't put you through this again. I bet before d day you would have made the statement my wife would never cheat. You are not alone in that. I would have laughed at anyone who could even suggest that my Soccer Mom wife would ever cheat.

She did, and our marriage ended. You have a double offender. Your senses have to be especially keen on everything.

BS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:56 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

If she's still selfish, entitled, deceitful and lacking empathy for her partner, she is high risk to cheat. Why? because that's the profile of a cheater.

Focus on her actions (refusing to give up her hobby) vs her promises. She's still selfish, entitled, and lacks empathy for you.

I know exactly what I need to see from her, and right now I'm not seeing it. But I know her I know she will start to reconcile, but will not be able to go all in to make this work.

She will not stop her hobby. She wont even offer.

Not even close to R just staying.

High chance of a repeat because nothing's changed. Whether you believe it or not.

[This message edited by Marz at 7:45 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

I have have no need to worry about other men.

So once you divorce she will not go back to this guy? And she will not start dating?

Hey LostSurvivor33,

Looks like you have been given a load of great advice, and good to know that you are here with an open mind.

Saying that, a few blunt observations.

She did pick me and broke it off with him.

Please don't kid yourself on this. If she did pick you, you would not have DDay#2. What she did was lull you into a sense of complacency.

Well this time I have not done the pick me dance, I told everybody about what had been going on, I told the kids we were divorcing, I met with Lawyer and am on a waiting list for an apartment. I am ready to move on and be with someone who treats me better.

Extremely positive steps. Well done. Keep heading on the same path.

I now fully believe I want out, but her talk of reconciliation is making me hesitant.

This does not make sense. You fully believe you want out, then you turn around and say you are hesitant? You are not focused enough.

I know I can give her my trust, but I certainly do believe she would be capable of doing it again.

Another sentence that does not make much sense, and shows a lack of focus of what you want. You can trust her, but you believe she will do it again. So, are you saying that you can trust her to have another A again?

Leaving her and the family I'd the easy thing to do.

Why do you think that this is the easy thing to do? Do you think that you should be fighting for a WW that will cheat on you again? I understand fighting for your family, but think about it this way, if you should fight, it should be for your daughter. Your 'family' unit was already broken when your WW let another man into it. There was really nothing to fight for.

Your WW put in a ton of effort into her A, and not her family. Imagine the amount of subterfuge one would need to coordinate the places, times, people, stories, etc. It is quite mind-boggling.

Anyway, sometimes, the perceived easiest course of action, is also the best solution. Why make life complicated?

I am in IC. My daughter is #1 priority

Great approach. You need to be healthy in both body and mind for your daughter. She will need you to be. Also do it for yourself. You deserve to be healthy again.

Make no mistake in my post, I am still continuing with pursuing the D, but that is because I don't think she is going to be able to truly change her ways.

Stay on course. Do not waver.

She will not stop her hobby. She wont even offer.

..... because she wants to continue her A. Would not be surprised if it never ended, and she hid it better. Were there any overnight stays for races, or work trips, or GNOs? Took a look at your original post, and would not be surprised if the 48hr (which ended up being a 60hr) 'disconnect' was her using it to see her AP to have a 'last' romp.

She was worried about breaking her APs heart, but not worried about yours or your daughters'. She is not thinking about you or your daughter, she is only thinking about her and her AP.

There were so many red flags, and there still are, so it would be wise for you to look at everything objectively

We are here to help guide you out of infidelity, but only if you are willing to listen. Not all advice will be applicable/good for you, and you will need to sift out what you need. If you close your mind like your original thread, then you will end up in the same place.

Lots of people on SI (including me) loved their spouses, loved being married, didn’t want our kids lives to change.

But unless they get intensive therapy and truly want a different life, they will go back to their drug of choice. (Cheating and blaming us).

I HAD to D my husband so that my kids could live in reality!

My WS moved out, they kids could visit him. They saw that he is a cheater/liar. They have a safe place to stay (my house), they can see their Dad(rarely do bc he’s a liar, cheater, selfish person).

But my kids and I do not live a lie. We don’t have a fake family where their Dads cheating was rug/swept. They know he cheated and it was unacceptable to me that he didn’t “do” anything/everything to save his family!

My advice is to move to D, even D her if necessary. Like a drug addict, if she really wants to change, she will get into a recovery program, get tons of therapy, and won’t quit. D her, Watch her for a year, you’ll prob see the “real” her.

I also lived through 2 DDays. I was convinced after the first one that she would never do it again, given that she saw how it destroyed me. There was no chance the woman I married would put me through that again. Right?

Wrong. For me, once there was a 2nd time it was the easiest decision of my life. It took a special kind of awfulness to see what the conduct did to me and yet continue to plow ahead anyway.

Your WW doesn't seem like good R material obviously. But in any event there's really no choice anyway so you'll pursue D and then in the future if things change and her conduct changes in particular maybe you'll change your mind. But it doesn't sound like any of that is going to happen and you just need to put your head down and not be tricked by her phony promises.

Probably my final update, told WW to end A or we were done, she finally was able to tell me it is over with confidence. It is what I needed to hear. I still think she is unwilling to do the work. It will be easier for her to move forward with this guy than to work on herself. The fact is all the triathlon stuff has made her a different person, and that person and I can never work. I have been wanting something back that can never exist again. Even if she did want to work on R, which she never really did, our new relationship would not have been as good as the one we once had, but it would have kept the family together. I know I will find happiness with someone new, the prospect is very helpful. Coming from divorced parents, I never wanted this, I deal with abandonedment issues and I feel abandoned now. I know its temporary, and I have IC to help, but it's still keeping me up at night.

It is unfortunate that I am stuck in the same house as her while I wait on an apartment to open up. I had a small hope we would R, but I know that R is not what is best for me. I do think it is what was best for her. I think she has made the biggest mistake of her life, but that is no longer my cross to bear.

I absolutely hate that I am a member of your club, I really have no wish to be, but I assume you all feel the same way. I will check back for responses, but I am sure that any advice I have to give to others would be useless as I could not do this right. I wasnt willing to listen in March and barely able to listen after D-Day 2.

But thank you anyway, I know you all can relate, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I think that this is really hard for all of us because there is no way forward without enduring a massive amount of more pain. I’m currently a fence sitter (although I have moved out). I can sometimes imagine divorcing and it seems like it will be ok. Other times it horrifies me. I can sometimes (although less often) imagine a time when this won’t hurt so much and that maybe we could be happy together. I took the advice of many here about taking time to figure out how I want to proceed. I am 8 months since d day and I moved out after 4 months (when I found out he was cheating with prostitutes). Mostly I’m ok sitting on the fence but sometimes I feel paralyzed.

I’m sure that is what you are facing. You have already endured so much pain and you want to protect yourself from more. Sadly, no matter what you decide, there is more pain to come. Please don’t let that be your last post. Let us know what is happening in your life. You don’t have to take anyone’s advice just realize everyone is coming from a place of experience. We have all hurt and had to deal with this change to our lives that we didn’t consent to.

There are so many BSs like you, who have a WS who insists on rug-sweeping and who cannot - at least for a while - draw a line in the sand and start D proceedings. Your predicament is very common, and people in your same shoes will benefit from your story and how you moved from hopium to resolve to put yourself first.

So, NO, you have not failed, and you have much to share in this community.

The fact that you loved and trusted your wife and this happened is not a failure on your part. It’s a failure on hers.

My guess is this thing she has doesn’t last. Please just be very cautious when she comes back and wants you and the safety you provide again

Remember, every dday resets you. Dday 2 sent you back to square one and your healing was reset to the beginning, so cut yourself some slack. From what others have written, in-house separation is pretty awful. You might reread the stuff on the 180 in the Healing Library and put it into action. Most of us make mistakes getting through this stuff. We figure out what works and what doesn’t and that’s the wisdom we can pass on to others.

Thank you for your support. I realize that I am not grieving the loss of my wife, I am grieving the loss of those first 8 years we had before things went wrong. She changed 5 years ago and I adjusted to her. So when she had her A, I was still thinking she was that same woman I had those great 8 years with, but she is not. R with my WS is a terrible idea, we can never get that relationship back. That is what I will have to remember when this relationship she is in blows up.

Because of our daughter, she will never be out of my life, our daughter is what is most important to me, I tried to keep the family together, thinking that was her best interest. I was wrong, but my priorities are still the same, I just have to find new ways to make my daughter happy.

I will try to come by here and help others if I can when I'm ready, I may have an update if she tries to come back to me. I will have to use everything you guys have here to make sure I only take her back under the right circumstances, part of me wants her to, but most of me doesn't want her to, because I think it's too late fr us. We should have started working out our issues together 5 years ago. That's not to say she would not have had an A anyway, but I honestly believe she wouldn't have. I am not saying the A is my fault or the reasons why she was unhappy and seeked an A were my fault, I think she changed as a person and if we had worked on it, we could have changed together.

Lost, have you seen a lawyer about moving out? You need to. Some states count you moving out as abandoning the marital home and will put you at a disadvantage in court. Make sure you do it right.

You've got what you were looking for from her side. So that's good. No more limbo.

Do you guys own this house? There's an assumption that the man has to leave. Leave only if it's best for you. Hopefully you have contacted a lawyer and are following their instructions.

Also, I think informing the guy's wife about your decision will be a nice gesture on your part. You'll be fine. I can feel it in your tone. None of us wanted to be here. But ultimately, this is another thing we have to deal with. You're dealing with it the right way. If you don't feel well emotionally, no shame in getting a therapist for you.

Yes, met with Lawyer last week. No fault divorce state, I'm free to leave no repercussions.

House is in both names, I could ask her to leave, but #1 it would be an unnecessary fight that will result in nothing happening, as I have no legal grounds to kick her out, #2 I hate the house, I also hate the school district, by me moving to a new school district, I will get my daughter 5 days a week, per our plan. So far shes shown no real desire or reason to alter the plan.

As far as his wife goes, she said last week she was out for blood. While she was wavering with me, she kept her resolve to him, so as far as she knows nothing has ever changed. No reason to get her hopes up that he almost got dumped again.

Like I said. I'm glad I got resolution, no more wavering. She was not ready to commit to me 100% and I was accepted nothing short of that.

[This message edited by LostSurvivor33 at 9:16 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

That's great! Keep up the good work!

Good luck LS33, you can’t do any more.

B4