I have a slightly different take on this. Look, your wife is far from perfect in her responses, but they are not tone deaf, and not accepting of responsibility.
The pain you have is coming from within. They guys here who reconcile, while they still have pain over what happened, have learned to accept it. She cheated, I got screwed, but there is nothing I can do about it now. That of course assumes she is remorseful and takes reponsibility for what she did.
The guys who don't make it, like me, never get to the point where they can accept what happened. I tried, but frankly I could never look at her without seeing what she did. She and our marriage to me became tainted goods.
Accepting it like some do, doesn't make them weak. Not accepting like me, doesn't make me a bad person. Its just who we are and of course the type of affair and the aftermath come into play.
I think she is really doing the best she can. Not that you have to "get over it", but its never going to change. And nothing she says will ever make it better or OK. It is just something you are going to have to live with. It is going to have to come from within.
