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I dont believe affairs are mistakes. They are 100% deliberate. They know its wrong but they do it anyways.

There it is. ^^^^^^

hedotprotest Thank you for posting. Have had the same thoughts all these many 4 years here on SI. Had no doubt that my H's 12 years of disgusting behavior was a huge mistake as turns out was my mistake in marrying him. Biggest mistake of his and my life.

Indeed there are "accident" mistakes and cheating, betraying, is no accident. But there are huge life changing mistakes as well. People make mistakes in career and partner choices; mistakes in how to deal with stress and unhappiness.

Not sure the semantic take on the word makes much difference but appreciate your time and effort on this.

The big mistakes are deliberate; people choose the wrong person to share their life with; some choose the wrong profession or the wrong place to live. Some make mistakes in their approach to relationships and life style. Cheating is no accident; it is very deliberate and those that cheat for many years, many times have made the biggest mistake of their lives. The word just means doing something that's very wrong-sometimes a mistake but sometimes done deliberately and always showing poor judgment, poor morals, dishonesty, disrespect. Not "just a" mistake but the biggest mistake of their lives.

I heard this on D-day and afterward "I made a mistake."

I have made a lot of decisions in my life, some of which turned out to be mistakes, which were well thought out decisions. Some of which cost me many thousands of dollars and took years to recover from (such as a building construction project that was torpedoed by the worst economic crisis since the depression...10 years later I'm still paying for that one).

But, if things had gone the way that I thought they would go, or planned, they would have not destroyed my family/marriage.

If they didn't go the way that I planned, they still wouldn't have destroyed my family/marriage.

An affair "mistake" has no good outcome for the family/marriage. It is all bad outcomes.

I guess that is where I draw the line.

I would liken having an affair to bringing home an old rusty but intact WW2 bomb, keeping it in the living room, and messing around with the detonator with your family at home. Sure, you might get away with it. But, there is just no upside to it.

It seems to me to depend what side of the affair you are on as to what your stand in this subject is. If you are the WS of course you want to down play the whole thing and act as if it's no big deal and just the same as buying laundry soap instead of fabric softener. That would be a mistake. As the BS, I can say that line of thought really makes me angry. The planning and constant deceit are not just simple mistakes. The amount of planning and deliberate steps taken to have the affair negates the mistake portion. Obviously that is just my opinion. If youth can stand and lie straight to my face and turn around and tell someone else you love them so much they never know.... that is a clear choice to me.

As a coach, I made mistakes. I left a pitcher in the game too long, tried to have a runner steal a base and get thrown out, or didn't use a pinch hitter when I should have. I assessed the game situation, the players involved, made a decision based on the information I knew to be true, and it didn't work out.

That mistake is FAR from the "mistake" my wife made in having an A. First, there was no moral/ethical part of my coaching decision. There was for my wife's A. There was no attempt to hide or cover up the actions of my coaching decision. There was with my wife's A. There was miscalculation on my part regarding the ability of particular players to perform at a particular level for a particular event. That was a mistake. There was no miscalculation on my wife's part. To the contrary, she was very calculating.

She waited until I wasn't at home to "run an errand" (meet up with the AP). She "waited so she could do her Bible study after dropping off the kids" (meet up with the AP). They had a code phrase for text messages so she would know when to call/text and, if I saw it, it wouldn't be obvious.

She was cool. She was calculated. And she did everything she could to cover it up.

That isn't a "mistake".

I agree CaptRogers. An affair is not a mistake.

It’s a calculated pattern of behavior.

I understand the OP. An affair meets the dictionary element of "mistake". The analysis doesn't end there, however, because infidelity usually has an element of intentionality that takes it beyond the realm of mere "mistake". As one poster noted, maybe a single drunken ONS, maybe that qualifies as a "mistake" if confessed freely. But most affairs involve a pattern and practice of lying, sneaking, and duplicity, plus a knowing decision to break marital vows. That is not a mistake.

Anyone can call it whatever they want, but that doesn't change what it really is...one of the most heinous, selfish, outrageous, painful, malicious things you could intentionally possibly put someone that you claim to love and are supposed to protect and cherish through.

[This message edited by Millgirl at 11:43 AM, October 21st (Monday)]