SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife was a prison officer but was sacked for allegations she was in an inAppropriate relationship with an inmate. This was always her dream job and after 6 months she had passed her training, fell in love with the job then was sacked. She was very depressed. She told me she opened a gate she shouldn’t have which led to her dismissal but I’ve since read paperwork that suggested she was sacked for an inappropriate relationship. When I found out I confronted her and she told me she gave her snapchat to some inmate and over time they messaged each other and she initially wanted to help him improve his life but feelings developed. She’s adamant nothing sexual happened but his flattery and the fact he always text and rang her made her feel important and that he needed her more than I did. I assured her I loved her so much and that our 17 years together wouldn’t be wrecked by a mistake.

A few months after I found out she was still in contact with him and I was devastated that she had lied to

Me time and time again. She says she cares about him

And wants to be with him when he gets out and that she can’t turn her feelings off. She loves me but wants him?

She rings me everyday to ask how I am and let’s me see

My children whenever I want too but she says she doesn’t know what she wants. I trusted her twice and she lied twice. Is it time to walk away for good and leave her too it? I love her so so much and don’t want to get divorced and be a statistic. Nice guys seem to always finish last which is such a shame. WhT do u all think I should do? I’m lost

Mate are you joking.

if this guy gets out and has a relationship with your wife your going to have an excon next to your kids.

What's he in for.

See a lawyer immediately

It's time to see a lawyer and find out your rights. You have children who are about to be exposed to a criminal. Do you even know what he went to prison for? Was it violent? Did it involve children? Put your WW aside for a moment and ask yourself - is it worth focusing on her right now when she's about to let a dangerous man walk into your kids lives and force them to live with this guy? He's probably not going to have another place to go when he gets out. No job. No money. He's going to go straight to her for support.

As a married dad, you have zero recourse against this. As a divorcing dad who is providing evidence of your WW's bad and dangerous choices to a judge, you have much more recourse. No matter how badly you want R, it's not worth risking your children's safety over. See a lawyer right away and figure out how you can keep this guy out of their lives.

Oh dear. This seems to be the epitome of "they always affair down." I really have no advice to speak of except that the 180 really seems to help everyone who works hard to implement it. I use it when I need to take a break from all his drama and it really helps.

I can't imagine how she could possibly fail to regret what she is doing. She seems to definitely be in some kind of strange fog with no clarity about what she is doing.

The experienced here will be along soon to help. All I can really offer is the consolation that you are not alone. I have been married for almost 25 years and was also totally blindsided by this in January. I really believe that it is the most painful thing that can happen to a person and it takes a long time to dig your way out.

Another thing that works for me is to just pick one thing I enjoy and force myself to start doing it every day. Usually I walk a lot and that is when I feel the best. An old hobby you gave up might be a great thing to start up again. I know it is so hard to find any joy at all in life right now but we don't have any choice but to carry on. From the moment we discovered this betrayal our lives changed whether we wanted them to or not. This site is really helpful and keeps you from feeling alone. Always remember that you are the superior man and she probably already knows this.

He was In for armed robbery then later absconded from

An open prison. He’s served close to 10 years and he’s only 28. If I go to a lawyer with what I know I’ll wreck her life which will wreck the kids lives which will wreck mine too as a result. I’m stuck and also going to get threats from him and I’m pretty soft. I just want all this to go away but she is saying she doesn’t know what she wants! If I put this into a lawyers hands I honestly think she would kill herself or something and I could never live with that on my hands. It’s all such a mess and although I hate her for causing this she’s been my best friend for 17 years. I just can’t stop crying about it. Such a mess

He was In for armed robbery then later absconded from an open prison. He’s served close to 10 years and he’s only 28.

He sounds like a real prince.

Are you seriously not going to stand up to this.

Your wife's choices are hers. But you have to make choices for your kids, if your wife's hurt its her bad choices that caused it.

Lawyer up.

Honestly, I suspect he was doing this for bragging rights while your wife was working as a guard. Are you sure it wasn't physical, it's not unheard of, even in prisons. Does your wife realise she's probably the joke and laughing stock of both the the inmates and the staff?

See a lawyer. I doubt this guy will hang around when he gets out but he might be looking for a soft landing place for a couple of months. Your priority is to protect your children over your marriage any day of the week!

Dude you are so twisted up in thos that you have no idea what going to an attorney will do. It will provide y ppo u with knowledge and strength. It will allow you to protect your children. It will definitely piss her off and that's ok. if she threatens to harm herself you call the police and ambulance. This too helps you and if she is serious helps her. If she is doing it to manipulate and control you then she learns she no longer can. Additionally it get things on record that she is not emotionally stable and probably unfit to be the primary carer of the kids.

If you in fear of losing your M its too late she has already walked away from it. You need to accept that fact. Then you must do everything humanly possible to protect your children.

Time to put on your big boy pants and start taking control of this dibocale. You are your children deserve better and only you can demand it.

Mike,

I am very sorry that your wife has made a series of bad decisions and betrayed you. You did nothing to deserve that, and if she thinks that she is going to have a good life with a man who has already served a third of his life in jail before the age of thirty, then she has rocks in her head where a brain ought to be.

When you write this...

If I go to a lawyer with what I know I’ll wreck her life which will wreck the kids lives which will wreck mine too as a result. I’m stuck and also going to get threats from him and I’m pretty soft...If I put this into a lawyers hands I honestly think she would kill herself or something and I could never live with that on my hands.

...you are engaging in 'catastrophizing', which is a process of fixating on a worst-case scenario and then convincing yourself that it will happen. What if there are other options?

For the sake of everyone concerned (yourself, your wife, and your kids) you really should see a lawyer immediately and seek advice about what can be done.

It sounds like you are no longer living at home, or she has moved out, and that arrangement in itself can have legal ramifications that you should discuss with a lawyer. For example, a parent who moves out of the family home can, in some circumstances, be deemed to have abandoned their family. Please, Mike, get some clarity on that.

You say that your wife "lets" you see your children whenever you want, but she has absolutely no right to prevent you from that, so it is not an act of generosity on her part. In fact, if she ever tried to prevent you having access to your children, she stands to land herself in trouble.

Mike, going to a lawyer and protecting yourself and your children is not 'wrecking' people's lives; it may actually prevent your wife from wrecking everyone's lives. She is clearly living in a deluded fantasy, and her capacity to make rational decisions is questionable (to put it politely).

And what makes you think that a jailbird without a career or any legal talent for making a living is going to want to be lumbered with your wife and two kids to support?

If he went inside when he was 18, he has had nothing more than a few teenage girlfriends. How is he going to cope with some other guy's wife and kids making demands on him? If your wife is deluded enough to try setting up home with him, it will not last six months.

Seriously, the best thing you can do is see a lawyer and burst her fantasy bubble with a dose of harsh reality. There is nothing to be gained from letting her pursue this silliness, particularly not if she is going to drag your kids into it.

And you should also talk to the lawyer about how to handle threats from that guy, because if he gets released and starts threatening people with violence, he will be back behind bars before he knows it.

Frankly, I think the best thing you can do at this point is to contact a lawyer, get him to draw up divorce papers, and have him write your wife a letter setting out all of the legal consequences there are likely to be if she pursues her current course of action.

If doing nothing lets her wreck the family and embark on what is bound to be a disastrous and short relationship with an ex-con, then doing nothing is not doing anyone any favours, is it?

Which means that doing something, and taking action now, can prevent something worse from happening.

You have every right to talk to a lawyer. You have every right to protect yourself and your kids from your wife's recklessness. You should use those rights, Mike, and a lawyer can show you the best way to prevent this lunacy from doing any more damage than it already has.

Nice guys can fight for what is theirs, and what is right, can't they?

Mike, everybody here is appalled by what has been done to you, and we all want to do our best to help you fight it and prevent it running out of control and causing a train wreck.

She says she cares about him

And wants to be with him when he gets out

This is all you need to know to dump her, now you have a bigger problem, you need to make sure your kids don't live with a violent armed robber, you have the evidence from the prison, use that to your advantage and contact an attorney ASAP, don't worry about her, she made her bed, worry about the safety of your kids, file for D and go for FULL CUSTODY and EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends, also get tested for STDs just in case.

You deserve so much better than a proven cheater and liar that prefers to go live with a violent convicted felon than you, FILE for D immediately, you're at war and your WW is the enemy, protect your children.

If I go to a lawyer with what I know I’ll wreck her life which will wreck the kids lives which will wreck mine too as a result. I’m stuck and also going to get threats from him and I’m pretty soft. I just want all this to go away but she is saying she doesn’t know what she wants! If I put this into a lawyers hands I honestly think she would kill herself or something and I could never live with that on my hands. It’s all such a mess and although I hate her for causing this she’s been my best friend for 17 years. I just can’t stop crying about it. Such a mess

Nice guys don't finish last. However, weak guys almost always finish last.

Your entire post is full of you looking out for her, a woman that wants you to be her backup plan, but other than that she doesn't give a fuck about you.

You're willing to let your kids stay with a mentally unstable mother and a dangerous felon bc:

A - you are scared of him

and

B - she will kill herself

Jesus, man....you're the biggest supporter and enabler of not just your wife being with her convict boyfriend but also of putting your kids in danger.

Not sure what you want bc you won't take any action for the reasons above.

You want your wife back? Just say so and we can help you possibly get that.

You want a D and custody of your kids? We can give good advice for that as well.

Otherwise, just keep on keeping on and wind up with nothing. But hey....at least you won't get your ass kicked, right?

[This message edited by GoldenR at 5:47 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

You are letting fear dictate your life. If not for yourself, at least man up for your kids. Your wife's affair partner went to prison as a kid and is now a hardened adult criminal. You'd better think about this real hard.

I love her so so much and don’t want to get divorced and be a statistic.

Do you love being cheated on? Do you love being relegated to your wayward wifes plan B?

The reality is your wife is just a typical cheater. Nothing special.

You've got a choice. Live as the third wheel or let her go.

If I go to a lawyer with what I know I’ll wreck her life which will wreck the kids lives which will wreck mine too as a result

I got news for you. She's already wrecked your life, marriage and family.

You need to drop the hopium pipe and deal with it.

My wife was a prison officer

This was always her dream job

Your WW seems to have a 'thing' for bad boys.

She’s adamant nothing sexual happened

Yeah.... about that..... cheaters lie a lot (if you have not noticed already)

let’s me see My children whenever I want too

Unless there is something you are not telling us, seeing your children whenever you want is a right, and not a priviledge.

Nice guys seem to always finish last

WhT do u all think I should do?

Get rid of the Nice Guy attitude. Do the 180 (check out the Healing Library on the Home page). The 180 will help you detach from your WW. Note that the 180b is not a tactic to try and get the Wayward Spouse back, but it is to help the Betrayed Spouse detach themselves from the WS, so that the BS can start healing.

One side-effect of the 180 is that the WS sometimes start chasing the BS to get hem back.

As I have posted before, and will always stand by this:

"The Prize to be won is not the WS, but the BS."

If the WS does not try to win the BS back, then the relationship is not worth having on the long run.

If the 180 is implemented correctly, you will then be in charge of what happens. You will be in control of your life again.

Once you get control of your life again, then you can decide clearer which road you want to take to get out of Infidelity. This does not automatically lead to Divorce, as it can lead to Reconciliation, but the main point is to get Infidelity out of your life.

Please tell her to stop all communication with him now. She's got to let this fantasy love die. Fancy words are no substitute for the reality that's awaiting her. She on the edge of the cliff. If she gets swayed so quickly by someone there, that's not the job for her. She can see this for the mistake it is but not as long as she keeps contact or thinks about it in a rosy light. Can anyone else help her see how risky this is?

I also think you should protect your kids from an unknown person that may harm them.

Pick up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover and get into IC. You have to get yourself to a place where you can stand up and fight for your kids. Your fear is paralyzing you and making you want to throw in the towel before the fight has even begun. Your kids will be destroyed when their mom moves in a violent criminal to be their new stepfather and pushes you out. What if he gets them into crime? Will you ever forgive yourself for choosing to do nothing now if he terrorizes them, hurts them, or brings them under his wing as an accomplice? If you can't make the tough choices today then you have to take the steps necessary to get yourself to that place because as it stands, she's moving him in and the days are counting down until it's their new, frightening reality.

There is a reason the word con is both a noun and a verb. These people are mostly sociopathic anti social types. To quote Richard Prior, thank God there are penitentiaries. Your wife is probably ten years older than him. There is no way he is going to be interested in her once he gets whatever he wants, which probably will have include using her like a tramp.

Find your anger, blow this up and get out of this insanity. No court in the world is going to favor her in a custody matter.

Stop worrying about what she will do and start thinking about what you will do. Get some self respect back In your life. Find your balls and your mind will follow.

The things in life that are the most difficult bring the greatest reward.

Letting your old lady go, as hard as that is, just might bring you the greatest reward!

The easy path is to take the crumbs your old lady leaves you while she chases her boyfriend she can't have.

Maybe if her husband just lets her go....she just might chase her husband she can't have???

You are not going anywhere way should she change?

Chicks dig confident men.

You are pushing her further away with your begging and crying.

JUST LET HER GO!!!!

It just might save your marriage.

She doesn't know what she wants so make the choice for her....only then will she start chasing after the man she can't have.