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[This message edited by Brokenwings63 at 12:42 PM, March 27th (Friday)]

Since you took off the stop sign, I'll just pop in for one thing, from my perspective.

I don't know you and I don't have your experiences. I'm glad for you to have this forum, because there are awesome WSs here who can help you and challenge you and help you get out of infidelity. I'm also really glad that you are starting IC to get this sorted out.

From my perspective, though, I want to urge you to find and use all the avenues you can for you to sort yourself out EXCEPT your BS. You don't mean to give off a "poor me" vibe, but at times that is ALL he is going to hear and it WILL set you both back. Keep in mind, always, that he is collateral damage in the shitshow of the last 23 years.

You've got quite a lot of work to do on yourself before you can expect him to even begin healing, let alone being in any position to forgive you. So treat him gently, and save your excuses and explanations and issues that contibuted to your behavior for your therapy sessions (and anonymous internet forums). Your words to him should be concentrated on your sorrow (and acknowledgement) that you've hurt him and your affirmation that you're working to become a person he will want to trust enough to keep walking this life with. I wish you well.

Hi broken.

I've bumped some posts for you. My reframing post might be of some help. The other one, not likely but you can read it. Might be something there you can use. I'm going to pray for you today. My story is similar to yours.

You're broken and the process of healing takes time. Be patient with yourself. Not everything in your mind is something you must act on. You can choose. I know it feels impossible. Take it one day at a time.

peace.

Brokenwings63

I have had 2 other affairs. No meaning what’s so ever

I would advise you to reconsider the statements that "No meaning what so ever" as the affairs are why you are where you are today.

Based on your posts there appears to be other traumas in your life but none of that caused you to cheat on your BH.

I remember what my father did to me

It takes but one generation to break the chains of the past.

I want to Thank you 🙏 for all of your input..

It helps me to understand myself. My self pity that I have carried on. The poor me, I am a victim of physical and, mental abuse from childhood.

I went to my IC yesterday had a understanding of myself and she read me to the max!

I do have LOW self esteem and I seek praises and attention like a child. That I never got the nurturing as a child. Never got to grow up and understand that My mind never matured. My mind is still in a place of young times. My 56 year mind is in a 15 year old mind. That scared the shit out of me. But it does makes sense.. I was so traumatized as a child from the age of 4-12. From my Dad, his friends and to be trafficked by him. I never got to be a individual, except his play toy and everyone else’s.

I’m not giving any excuses on what I did in my marriage because it was ALL me and I made my choices to have the affairs and I am owning up to my actions. NO blaming anyone for anything. No poor me anymore. I HAVE to grow up and face my demons and to understand what I did so terrible in my marriage is unforgivable. I made my bed not anyone else.

Yes everyday it’s really hard to see my H and his pain. I feel so sad, depressed, guilt and shame that I wish I could be back in time and erase what I have done. But I can’t. Everyday he wants to leave me, tells me to pack my shit and get out. I start and then he changes his mind. He tells me his anger is so severe and hurtfulness is so deep. I try to be humble and apologize constantly. We are together 24 hrs. a day. I read a lot, starting IC, started writing my story,but I feel it’s not enough. I’m taking it one day, one moment at a time. I know it’s his choice to stay with me. I have accepted it in my mind but not my heart ❤️.

Thank you to all the responses.

I’m not sure why I keep on doing the hurtful things to my H. He still loves me and I’m not sure why he does.

Well he doesn't love himself. You have convinced him through your actions that he is not worthy of love or respect. He thinks he can't get any better than you, that no other woman could love him. So he feels stuck.

I think you need serious counseling for your CSA issues...that is a given. But your BH also needs counseling for his codependency. The reason you continue to cheat is because he has never held your feet to the fire. From what you have posted you have never had to suffer any homelessness or setbacks to your standard of living. If he had kicked you out those first few times you pulled this crap, and doled out some penalties, then you might have learned to respect him a bit. But he didn't, and you don't respect him.

That's just my opinion.

You hurt him because from your posts you use people and see them as objects. Doesn't matter why except for your own personal growth in finding the source to change, just not good to use it as an excuse for your husband to be treated this way. Your reasons are reasons and sources. Not excuses. We all have issues and most of us have had shitty childhoods. Not everyone chooses to incorporate these things into being a harmful person. Own that you did and choose to change it. Two kinds of people. People who learn from pain and choose not to cause pain. People who inflict pain even though they know pain to escape their own. Which do you want to start being. Yeah, to me it is black and white. It was only grey when I was still a cheater.

Dear Westway and Zugzwang,

I want to thank you for your input.

I do have insecurities and my H has been there every time! So you are right on the not throwing me out on the streets. I don’t denies any of my A. I was very selfish on my part and just thinking about me and the moment. Not even thinking about the percussions. Very greedy and looking for someone else to take care of me when life wasn’t going my way. The saying goes “you think the grass is greener on the other side “. Well it’s Not! Been there and all you want to do is come back home. Tail under! Heaven forbid why my H let me back into his life again, only God knows and my H keeps saying our wedding vowels. To have and to hold, for sicker and in health, until death do us part. He is a awesome man that I have hurt so badly and I have to live with this pain I have created until I die. God is the only true one to completely forgive me. That’s internally. I want to do over 100% to help heal my H and his pain for the rest of my life and his. I am going to counseling and also CSA issues. We are seeking MC. He is looking for a counselor for himself.

You better do better and more than realize the grass isn't greener on the other side because that goes to blameshifting him and marriage conditions. What would you have done if the grass was greener? Get it? It doesn't address you as the problem. Just the lawns and which ones are plan A and B. There isn't any ownership in that.

Broken,

Your CSA is at the root of most of your behavior. You have to heal in order to change

There's a great book called Bold Love by Dan Allender and another one called The Wounded Heart. All of his books are good, go to his website and look.

The thing is, we get addicted to guilt. To feel ok feels wrong. There's more to it than that, but that's part of it. A big part. Read my reframing post. I'm praying for you.