SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just a little context:

2 months wife asked for a divorce, it shocked me and was hard. Come to find out she had an affair. She met a man on this language app got feelings for him and traveled 12 hrs away to sleep with him. We were together 8 years and married 4 months. Every 2 years she was always looking outwards for some other man's attention, but being foolish I believed her that she'd never do it again. I treated her very very well, but none of it mattered. Now that I've done alot of research on the matter, I've been emotional abuse and manipulated the entire relationship. I lost who I was, what I believed in, and got to a point to where I didn't care anymore.

Met up with my STBXW today to tie up some loose ends as far finances, gave her mail to her, and a few other random things that she left at the house. Before I went to meet her, I wanted to make myself look the best I could. We haven't seen each other in 6 weeks or so. Ever since it all happened I've been a hermit. All I do is go to work, go to the gym, going to therapy, and have been educating my self on everything relationships. I've lost 50lbs, got new clothes, had a new hair cut, shaved, and bought a new hat, I had some of my old confidence back and was feeling good.

We went to lunch together at this local Mexican place. I got out of the car and smiled and waved at her. I proceeded to get her things out of my car and I started checking her out. I realized in that moment I have lost all attraction to her. She still looked the exact same. Messy hair, baggy clothes, didn't seem like she was taking car of herself at all.

We get our table, sit down and order food. I proceed to ask how's she been and what's she has been up too? She said she's been doing well and then pauses for a moment and says, I don't know if I should tell you how well I have been doing because I don't want to hurt your feelings.

I looked at her with a puzzled look and said, okay lol.

She proceeded to tell me she's been traveling to all kinds of places, eating all kinds of new food, staying in nice hotels, been hanging out with new friends, going to the gym, quit her anti-depressants cold turkey, basically saying how well her life has been without me. She would go on and on and on about it. How great it is and how well she's doing.

The more and more she talked to more I realized, she's trying super hard to validate how well she's doing and how great she has it right now to me. It seemed to me that she thought this was a competition of who's doing better after all of this and she had to let me know that she was winning.

I was very calm, confident, and didn't give off any sad or depressed emotions. I answered questions with just enough information about how I was doing. I let my actions do the talking, my new look, my composure, my confidence, and how well I was handling this situation. It didn't matter to me who was winning. I didn't care.

I didn't know the person in front of me anymore, she was a stranger to me. It was a surreal moment, when I realized that.

It was funny a few hours later she texted me and said I hope your Doctor appointment goes well. I was thinking, why are you reaching out to me, if your life is so good without me, why are you worried about me, but I told her thank you and I'm glad you're happy and have a great weekend, as soon as I sent the text she sent one back immediately like she was waiting on me to respond. Anyways I erased her number and went back to no contact. I've only broke NC a couple of times and that was to take care of financial obligations we shared.

I've gotten better during my journey thus far. I know it's still going to take longer and that bad days are ahead. I've accepted the fact that she's made her choices and there is nothing I can do to change that. I no longer care who or what she's doing, but I still have that feeling in my stomach of sadness and betrayal. I guess that's normal still. I'm just going to continue doing what I'm doing and in time I know it'll get better, because it already has day by day.

Thanks.

[This message edited by Bnike21 at 4:21 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

Bnike21,

There are times, due to no fault of our own, that someone in our life chooses to move on.

It happens, there is no sense in trying to change their minds.

It is best just to move on and live the best life possible.

You are doing great and everything will continue to get better.

There is a lot of peace being happy with who you are.

No more lunches dude. No coffee, no nothing. Next time you need to exchange anything, just exchange it and live your own life. Its part of NC. There is no need for interaction.

Good job for handling it well! That takes class!

You know it's possible that her new life isn't as wonderful as she says. She seems very interested in staying in contact.

Hi Bnike

Thank you for sharing your struggle and solution. I am so glad to hear you are doing better.

I noticed this was your first post and we know how hard the betrayals are. A punch to the gut would be so much easier to take, hell hit by a truck might be easier.

There is no way to know how well she is doing, cheaters lie. Heck I found out 20 years after a divorce she had been cheating for years and it bugged me a little.

Stick around and post when things get hard. Help others when there situation is similar to yours.

Congratulations on the weight loss!!!! Keep up the healthy lifestyle you will never regret it.

Ignore her texts unless they have to do with D proceedings and/or financial obligations, don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Good for you for seeing through her charade.

Well done, look after yourself, maintain NC when possible.

I believed she noticed your new you, and is fishing.

As you said she is justifying how good she is without you.

She made her conscious choice for this shit storm ☔️.

Don’t take the bait, she is trying to gaslight you.

One day at a time.

Thank you all for your kind responses and advice. Thank you for confirming exactly what I thought was happening and going on. Everything about the whole day seemed so exaggerated and forced.

One piece of advice I would give is just educate yourself on all things in relationships. It helped me understand more and more of what happened and what else to keep an eye on. Also it helps to understand what to look for in future relationships.

Your story is very similar to mine. Long relationsip and A started months after marriage. I guess something we have to be thankful of is that we found out about the A early in the marriage (well I found out 1.5yrs later but I'm thankful it wasn't longer). We did not have much investment. Like you, I focused on my wellness when we separated. Success is really the best revenge anyway.

I'm glad you're in high spirits! You're right that there will be very tough days ahead, some days you're doing fine, some days you just want to stay in bed. But, you will heal eventually. I really believe that for all us.

I guarantee you she is nowhere near as happy as she says she is, or her outward appearance would reflect it. She keeps reaching out to you because, as much as she won't admit it, she is sad to see you moving on. She will never tell you that, but she is.

People like your WW will never be happy with anything. They are "grass is greener" people, always looking across the other side of the fence, wanting what is over there, instead of being content with what they have. She will never have any true rest or peace in her life. I guess if you had animosity towards her, you could find cold comfort in that.

[This message edited by Westway at 9:17 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

I was thinking, why are you reaching out to me, if your life is so good without me, why are you worried about me

You got it! I bet all of the things she told you still don't make her feel any better and she now wonders if she's made a mistake. You've probably just showed her she did but that is her problem now. Keep doing what you are doing and it's all out there for you.

Good for you 'Bnike21'. Keep taking care of yourself and know that her gushing is all to make herself feel better about her choices. Continue to get yourself free. There are actually decent women out there that don't cheat. Take care of yourself.