SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I struggled sexually after the affairs. Like many. I felt compared. I felt not as young. Not as pretty. Not as new and exciting. He caused this. Not me.

I could not get past this. Because his behavior continued. He stared horribly at other women. No empathy. No remorse. This also includes fear of stds He did this. Not me.

I was no longer attracted to him. I no longer looked up to him or respected him.

When he was wanting me to be a certain way intimately. I felt he wanted me to be like her. Be like anyone different. Pretending I was different. This is not what I wanted or needed after being cheated on. He was not being intimate. Caring or there for me.

The sex stopped

Just...

You've gotten a lot of fantastic feedback. I will only add this. It doesn't matter what WE think intimacy is, it matters what you and your WH think intimacy is.

Have the two of you sat down and completely explored this topic? Our bias', environments, trauma's, morals etc all play a part in our individual definition of intimacy. Having this long and indepth conversation (coupled with love languages) may help you.

I totally get it. How I viewed intimacy pre-affair is vastly different than how I do now. As for the hand holding, have you explored with your husband his "whys". Because you view this as intimate, doesn't necessarily mean he did/does. For example, my wife thinks rubbing my back is very intimate. Prior to the affair I did too (taking on the sexual aspect of the male species), it would usually end up in arousal. Post affair? You're just scratching my back. She still views it as a connection and intimate, I do not. So we had to discuss that, we've been outlining what we view as intimacy and desire and its helped tremendously.

Good luck

As for the hand holding, have you explored with your husband his "whys".

Yes. Asked again and again. He says he doesn't know how/why it happened, or why he didn't drop her hand. Doesn't remember anything about it except that it happened, apparently. Which is not good enough for me, because when I asked her (via message ) she firstly told me she understood my concerns and nothing had happened, then when specifically asked about the hand holding, said that was now inappropriate, as he was her boss and twice her age. Nothing about him being married. Rather an extreme reaction to something he has told me must have been a joke. Then blocked. How many ppl do you know who would go to hold their married boss's hand on a night out, out of the blue, in front of a friend and another colleague? Surely there was something there between them for that to even be considered? You're not going to do it if there's a chance of getting rebuffed. But she wasn't, he went along with it for some undetermined length of time. If she's now saying it's inappropriate, what does that mean? Not a joke, that's for sure. All sounds very fishy to me. I think he told me half the story to make it seem like he was bring good in offering information, but won't tell me the whole situation. It's not good enough.

Cancun - yes, I'm not sure I will get over this either. His ease with being physically close to other women turns my stomach, and not having a proper explanation as to why it happened is eating away at me. If this is a thing he does with others when the opportunity presents, I don't want him. It's massively disrespectful. And if he can't explain it, he can't be trusted.

[This message edited by Justgetitoverwith at 2:08 PM, November 11th (Monday)]

Just,

Has your husband explored this in IC? I ask because I agree his explanation isn't up to snuff and it sounds like he hasn't dug deeper on this one.

What I can offer is there are some things that to a rational mind, will never be rational regarding an affair. For example, I got so hung up on the fact that my wife refused to let the AP kiss her but was okay with him banging her. Even when I looked at her with circus freak face when she said this, she still didn't get it. In her mind it made sense. Sex was just an act, there was no intimacy for her in it with him. It was no more than her ordering a pizza in her mind. Kissing? That was way too personal to do. Now that she's had years of therapy she sees how warped that logic was and that allowing a man into her body is way more personal than kissing him. So I say this because I don't understand what work your husband has/hasn't done. But it could be his perspective on the whole thing. I know pre affair, I didn't hold much weight in the "hand holding" department either. It was just something couples did. Now, in my own healing, I know the intimate act it is and the connection it brings to the table.

Just my thoughts....

But it could be his perspective on the whole thing. I know pre affair, I didn't hold much weight in the "hand holding" department either. It was just something couples did.

Exactly. Couples. He wouldn't have held hands with another woman in front of me. He has never held hands with someone he hasn't been with as a partner, apart from the kids when they were very young, and his own parents when he was very young. So it's not something he can explain away for amy other reason. I don't think he has specifically looked into this in IC. His last session was months ago due to going away. He doesn't have any more scheduled. I think they looked at things in a more broad sense, concentrating on moving forward in the marriage. But unless I know these things, I don't really want to move forward with someone who will not fully explain themselves, as it feels he is still hiding the truth.