SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife had been kind of distant and mean to me for the last 6 months. She told me because it was because I was not a good husband... Citing many things that I did not do well, and many disagreements we have had over a multitude of topics. I was mad and frustrated at first but eventually agreed to improve and try to save our marriage. Her distance stayed consistent and she eventually moved out of our bedroom. We do not have any kids.

She was mean to me so long eventually when I got a job offer to move to another city I brought it up with her and suggested maybe if I moved out for a while to give us space that the marriage would improve. It was a miserable place to be for me.

She agreed and I accepted the job. Moved some essential stuff to the new city and prepared to start my job. On the morning of September 28th, just a week after I moved out, I got a message from a mutual friend who told me that her husband confessed to having an affair with my wife since December 2018. Apparently they were planning on being together after she got a divorce from me. He confessed and they are working to reconcile. He told my wife that it was over and dumped her. The other man's wife told me the entire affair was organized thorough facebook messenger.

Shortly after I got that message I got an emotional call from my wife that she missed me and couldn't wait to work out and reconcile. I was noncommittal on the call and basically did what i had to to get off the call to collect my thoughts. After the last 6 months this was very uncharacteristic of her...

After considering it for a few hours i decided to wait and see if my wife confessed the affair. I felt like the only way we had a chance was a complete confession then lots of counseling. I immediately removed her from all credit cards and accounts and got a new bank account to deposit my new paycheck in.

After a week of only communicating through text I finally got fed up of waiting and texted her that I knew about the affair. She denied anything happened at all and suggested he was making it up. I asked her for her facebook credentials. She told me she deleted her facebook the previous night. I had a friend check and it was not deleted, she had only blocked me. She was covering her tracks.

I filed for divorce. I have not spoken to her by voice again.

I am struggling with this so hard. I have been strong and showed only strength and resolve on the outside but here I am all alone in a new city with nothing but pain. It is such an unbelievable betrayal and it blows my mind she wouldn't at least confess after caught red handed.

Now I am at a new job and struggling to focus in a high pressure position. Not only do I have to recover but I have to do it unnaturally quick so I can perform at my job and continue moving forward. But it feels like there is no closure to help in the process.

Advice?

A great many cheaters try to downplay, deny or otherwise cover up their affair for many reasons. It;s almost a first instinct thing to do, Some think they can just bluff their mate and eventually things will blow over. Others are sure that if they tell all it will be the end of their marriage.

What they fail to recognize is that the cover up and lying is continuing to destroy their relationship with further damage beyond the affair.

You are proof of that.

You will have to talk eventually to proceed with the divorce. By then, maybe she will have come to her senses and realized that only the truth will set her free.

Inform your new boss what you're going through. They've probably seen this before.

As for your wayward wife she's not wife material. She continues to lie and deny. There's nothing there to work with.

Right now she's just in self protection mode. If her new boyfriend hadn't dumped her she would have carried through with her plans to dump you.

Keep on your current plan there's nothing left for you. Put it in the past where it belongs.

No Kids

No Confession

No more marriage

Tell OMW to have him write out a timeline for the affair and if it is accurate you won't expose him publicly. Suggest to her to polygraph OM.

Get yourself tested for STDs.

I feel for your but I applaud your actions. In hindsight I don't think you should have revealed how you knew, but simply you knew and then leave it to her. Having said that, she's made it pretty clear that coming clean is NOT a priority for her.

Speaking as someone who did not file for divorce straight away and tried to reconcile two times over a period of 12 years and ultimately divorced , I feel your pain of what you are going through, but I also envy you because you have taken the first step to remove yourself from her and the situation. Every day is one you won't get back. If you were to stay in the relationship and try and R each day is one that you will never get back. The only certainty you have is to trust yourself. Starting the divorce process is tough, but it does get better and it's way better than being with someone who doesn't want to put in the work.

Good on you and you'll get through this!

[This message edited by FEEL at 8:02 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Brother not being rude but you are plan B. She was waiting for you to move then set up happy home with POSOM. Now he got caught she is minimising the A and wanting to be with you until another offer comes along.

Being the back up is shitty however that is where WW has you. There is no respect ✊ for you, your health or marriage. Get STD/STI checks now. They did bump uglies on numerous occasions and didn’t use protection. Keep doing 180 maintain NC but possibly IC for you. Tell work.

You have her surved D papers but will have to communicate over some issues prior to D

One day at a time. Exercise, talk to a close friend, drink shit loads of water, get a goldfish and talk about your problems they aren’t judgmental.

No one ever wants to be plan B.

Good luck 😉

[This message edited by Buffer at 1:00 AM, November 9th (Saturday)]

Buffer that was my very first thought as she was crying to me over the phone. I am plan B. That is what steeled my resolve to file for divorce.

My cats have listened to lot of bitching from me without complaining.

maybeHopeless: I am so sad for you that you are in this situation, but am glad you found us.

I am on the same road as you, just a little further along, that’s all. So, I don’t have any real advice at this time. But, I wanted to say that I think you are doing a lot of right things. You have closed bank accounts and started new with just your name, you have begun the D process, and are talking with your WW only via written text. You have actually started the “180”, as it’s called. You can find more about it in the Healing Library in the upper left corner, click on “Articles”, then you’ll see info about that.

There will be more folks coming along with some great advice. Listen to what they say. Take what you need and leave the rest. You are going through a lot of pain – I know, I’ve been there. As your brain works through this new information, it will get better. In the meantime:

Get tested for STD’s

IF you are considering Reconciliation, then your WW needs to get tested, too. No sex until she provides a clean bill of health.

No alcohol – or very little.

Get into Individual Counseling – they will help you sort this stuff going on in your brain.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Get that deep into your skull! SHE made poor choices and this is 100% on HER, NOT YOU!

Keep up the 180.

Require a detailed timeline from her

You’re doing all the right things so far, so keep it up! I will just bet that this guy’s not the first, or if he is, things have been going on for longer than what’s admitted to. Maybe not, but prepare yourself just in case

We all want you to have a healthy, happy life. Keep posting here, even if it’s just to vent. Keep us updated and we’ll help as much as we can. Just remember that here, you are not alone.

P.S. -- Cats are great listeners!

It’s tough but I have to tell you...you’re the man! You handled this like a boss and will recover way faster than you think.

She jumped at the chance to manipulate you in the move.

She put pressure on her AP.

(Most wayward males do not want to leave their wives. They just like the attention and secret sex)

So your wife was pressuring him. Threatening to tell him. He confessed to his wife....

Your wife’s plan backfired.

I know how badly being cheated on hurts. She lied to you and manipulated you. She truly is not a good person. She is only out for herself.

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 9:30 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Moving and switching jobs is stressful enough. Doing so--and doing it successfully--while under the strain of infidelity speaks volumes about your strength.

I agree with telling your boss, getting tested, and diving into individual counselling.

Are there any church, civic, social, etc, groups you could join? What's your support system like in the new place?

Shortly after I got that message I got an emotional call from my wife that she missed me and couldn't wait to work out and reconcile. I was noncommittal on the call and basically did what i had to to get off the call to collect my thoughts. After the last 6 months this was very uncharacteristic of her

Oh man, what a spectacular failure on her part. You were her plan B to cling to if plan A fell through, yet the entire outcome relied on your ignorance and ability to ignore the obvious, like being blocked on FB. She’s not much of a schemer, is she? You don’t sound like a dummy to me, mH. Your instincts were on target and you wanted what all of us want, stability, affection, and happiness with someone we thought we trusted.

I think the steps you have taken are commendable. Minimize contact. Read up on the “180” survival plan for infidelity. Interact only as much is required to get through the divorce. You are spot on in your conclusions. There is nothing to save here. She checked out six months ago. The only path to reconciliation involved total transparency and total remorse for what she put you through. She has failed these tests spectacularly, in the face of getting caught red handed.

You are in shock now and the road ahead will contain grief for the woman you thought you knew and the marriage you thought you knew. Painful but normal. Take strength in knowing you have maintained a standard and maintained boundaries to your marriage that she crossed, but you never did. You’re a good guy. Focus on one day at a time. Get up, breathe deep, set up little tasks to accomplish. Exercising helps. Dieting helps. Hobbies help. Focus on little things that keep you from brooding. You are a man, you are not your emotions. You have the inner strength you need now, and you can work on finding your inner peace. Of course, counseling will help you.

On a practical side, lawyer up and get tested for STDs. Send your wife the bill. You got this. It may seem unfathomable now, Yet you instinctively knew what to do here. A very good sign.

Edit: I have repeated what other people were typing you while I was typing this, so expect redundancy in advice. There is a reason for that, because as awful as this situation is, many of us have found similar paths forward.

Tell OMW to have him write out a timeline for the affair and if it is accurate you won't expose him publicly. Suggest to her to polygraph OM.

This, this I don’t agree with. Blackmailing the AP to help you isn’t going to accomplish anything but more hostility. You were fortunate you got what you did from the other spouse. Stay cordial with her.

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 8:43 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

If I were you the way you were treated last phase of your marriage is enough for me to have no feelings but some anger for the level of deceit and dishonesty. You were treated less than plan B.

If you continue to be affected by this your other responsibilities like job and health will be affected and you are the loser. As it says often here living your life even better is the best response

also if you can spare some time or care let the POS know what a low life he is deceiving people/breaking families for sex. He will go on to another victim

[This message edited by goalong at 9:22 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

I know it's tough but under the circumstances you're doing great, your WW is not R material by a very long shot, full steam ahead with D and don't look back, you deserve so much better than a proven cheater and a liar who put your health at risk and wanted you to be her plan B, EXPOSE her A with ALL family and close friends and don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Some additional suggestions:

Inform the OBS that you are divorcing. She was kind enough to tell you and she’ll need to know that your WW will probably desperately try to go back to the OM.

Ask for friends and family for support. This is all on her and there's no shame in telling.

Hang in there. It takes some time but it will get better. Infidelity happened to me 20+ years ago. I eventually remarried and found happiness again. It will happen to you too, just give it time.

Post often, you have been heard

[This message edited by ShutterHappy at 1:54 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Keep in mind that she's probably boomeranging back to the OM and trying to restart the affair - that chapter may not be closed.

Isn't it interesting to see how, when you know the truth and you know the wayward spouse is lying, you can see how they are trying to manipulate you. And once you see their technique, you realize how they've been doing it all along. All your feelings about them, and the memories of the relationship flip. It's a revelation, it's also deeply upsetting on many levels.

You may come to think you are lucky that you moved to a new city. It will be easier to start a new life if you are surrounded by the places, people and things that constantly remind you of your old life wife.

I also think talking to your employer and telling him/her what's up is a good idea.

Closure is not something that happens all at once, it's gradual. And you are not close to it. You are still in the shock of discovery, and the adrenaline of dealing with an unexpected "emergency." The finalization of the divorce and wrapping up the legal terms (which may take longer) will probably be the beginning of closure - the moment you can walk away dusting your hands.

Until then, hang in there, and follow the advice you get here.

Well, you live in different cities, she's moved on but wants back in, and there are no kids involved.

I would think that there is no rush to do anything other than secure assets, which you have done, and then see if there is anything worth going back to.

I would get IC for myself in this situation, so as to help me deal with me and avoid going crazy after a betrayal, and as for telling the boss, I'd think that over a while, maybe, maybe not, but I'd sure hold onto that job no matter what it takes.

I would agree, gaslighting, no confession, long term affair, planning on it being an exit affair, makes her sound like not much of a reconciliation partner.

HOWEVER, my FWS was just as much a gaslighter, lying profusely, denying the affair (turns out they were caught by the OBS and I never knew), etc. So, to put all that in perspective, she's just doing what every WS does in this circumstance. Apparently, this behavior is in the handbook that they all use. It took her over 9 years to confess...so keep that in mind.

Keep reading, I'm sure someone will give you more helpful advice, but you do not have to make any decisions at any rate faster than you want to.

I would suggest that the fact that you moved away ended up with your WW putting pressure on the AP to live out the fantasy, leave his BW and move in with her. That was never the intent for him. She was an easy piece. She found out she was expendable. Plan B springing into action.

You are handling this extremely well. I think the physical distance between you is a blessing. It would be much harder seeing her everyday.

As suggested above, I agree that you should inform the OBS that you have filed for divorce so she can be watchful. Your WW is probably desperate because she has lost both of her options. I'm only guessing about that, of course, but she might be trying to double down with her AP and start things back up again.

Inform the boss that you found out your WW was cheating right after you started your new job and you have filed for divorce. Find an IC and get into counselling. Your place of employ may have an employee benefit plan that would include this plus a list of counsellors.

As I said above, I think you're doing very well. It probably doesn't seem like it to you, maybeHopeless, but you are. Given the fact that you have no children removes a complication many BSs face. IMO, there isn't anything to reconcile with.

You've filed. Has your WW been served? Continue on moving forward. Look after yourself. Limit drinking except for water. Exercise. Read in the Healing Library (yellow box top left). Keep reading and reaching out. I wish you the very best in a very shitty situation.

Maybe, you are actually handling things very well. You should be proud of yourself.

I'm sure it is very difficult for you to deal with, but a lot of things are in your favor.

You don't mention how long you were married, nor if you have any children. I hope there are no kids, as it makes it much easier.

All indications from your WW are that you are making the right decision. She is still not being honest with you and seems to have no interest in being honest. In situations like this, your WW is likely to rugsweep the A, and hang with you until she finds her next AP.

I suggest you focus on yourself and your healing. The 180 and the distance from your STBXWW will help a lot with that.

He actually indicated how long he has been married to her and that they have no children, Tigers.