SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for all the great advice and words of support. Reading through this forum has been a great benefit as well as reading the advice directed at me. When I saw the 180 in the library I thought to myself "this is exactly what I did".

I do not feel very strong, in fact I feel like discarded trash but I am displaying strength and acting out what I feel to be correct.

I think individual counseling is probably a wise path for me. I've never had a self esteem or crushed ego problem like I have right now. I like to attack my problems head-on.

FWIW, if you have any things of value back at your old house, you should talk to your lawyer about itemizing what was left to make sure your WW doesn't trash them, sell them, or give them away.

Your username does not match you. You've done EXACTLY the right thing at every step. Read through this forum and you'll find hundreds of people (through no fault of their own) who haven't taken such firm, affirmative action so quickly. Had you not taken control you'd be in a totally different situation today.

Mind you, I'm not suggesting that you divorce or that you don't divorce, but you immediately took control of the situation.

How common is it for the cheater to show absolutely no empathy or remorse for their actions? This is the biggest shocker for me is that she seems to think that my faults in the marriage totally justifies what has happened. I have seen her be empathetic with many other people.

You are lucky to find out now. My wife had an affair after we were married for 14 years. I did not find out until 20 years later!! So I am going thru the same shit as you are now. You are lucky to be going thru it in real time.

How common is it for the cheater to show absolutely no empathy or remorse for their actions?

Sometimes there is no remorse, even for getting caught. They are so selfish and/or disconnected from reality that they are still in their bubble. They have yet to see what pain they have wrought on another human being. Sometimes when there is remorse it is only because they were caught and are afraid of losing their spouse, family, home, marital image, and so forth. All that they put at stake to cheat but never thought they would lose is now seen as important and valuable – too important and valuable to lose. Then, sometimes, there is genuine remorse. This is what you are looking for and it’s difficult to distinguish from guilt.

Which does your WS have or exhibit? Each case is different, each person is different. Since they have been successfully lying to us for an extended period of time, it is difficult to determine which it is. Sometimes their initial reaction will tell you. Like in your case, no remorse (apparently), no admission of her actions, etc. As someone else mentioned, it sounds as if she’s already moved on – you just didn’t know about it until now. Really, only time will tell. IF you’re interested in trying to salvage this relationship, you will have to be willing to put in the time.

To you, is she worth it ?

It's not unusual for a cheater to blame any and everyone else for their choices. That's what's happening to you maybeHopeless. Don't feel like you're the only one going through this either, there are many who've been there before. My ex blamed me for her affairs. She continued to do so until she got dumped and tried crawling back. Your best avenue is to get to the place where you don't care. It's a bit of a journey getting there but you can and will be there at some point. Focus on new hobbies, your job, and your friends. Realize that you've actually been handed a gift; freedom from a self centered, lying, energy taker. Don't give her any more of your life. She's shown who and what she is, and what she thinks of you. Believe what your seeing and continue to get free from it; never look back. Life is about you now. Take care of yourself, eat healthy, and work out. Be better than you were and your life will improve exponentially. I wish the best for you.

How common is it for the cheater to show absolutely no empathy or remorse for their actions? This is the biggest shocker for me is that she seems to think that my faults in the marriage totally justifies what has happened. I have seen her be empathetic with many other people.

maybeHopless if my WW is any proof, it is that waywards can be empathetic to other people only when there is not guilt involved. Your WW, like mine, is desperately trying to see herself as the victim in the marriage. It is how waywards re-train their brains in order to justify their actions. I'm sorry you ended up here, and I applaud your decisiveness and quick action.

I doubt very highly that you were a bad husband. The fact that she didn't tell you this until AFTER she blew up the marriage is proof of that. She wanted this guy, he fucked her over, and she ran back to you when he dumped her. Typical.

Do not blame yourself for this. I predict that one day in the far future she will look back on the destruction of the marriage with a lot of regret.

Brother,

Sounds like you have all of your shit in one sock. Well done.

Keep up looking after yourself.

My cats have listened to lot of bitching from me without complaining

Cats well they can be a bit judgmental just kidding.

Keep exercising, drinking water, no booze or drugs, take care of yourself and when she sees you again you will be the one that she let get away. Kind of like rubbing salt into a wound.

Keep the faith IC for you.

[This message edited by Buffer at 5:18 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

The default mental frame of most cheaters...

1. It is not my fault.

2. I am not a bad person.

That is the wellspring from which their retarded logic and behavior flows.

I agree with the others some are empathic some are not. By the sound of it, your STBXWW feel sorry for herself and her tears over the phone are for her.

You have decided to D. None of What you STBXWW does matter now. You don’t even need to talk to her anymore. It doesn’t matter what she says, whether she has remorse, it’s no longer your problem.

You will be a divorced good faithful man. She will be a divorced remorseless cheater. A woman who got dumped for cheating.

Who do you think has the brightest future?

So this afternoon I got a text from my WW's mother chastising me and telling me basically the exact same things my WW has been saying. All of this is my fault for issues during the marriage and she was justified in the affair. I had exposed my wife to my family and she was basically angry I had exposed her daughter.

Does the ugliness ever end??

That’s the good news - you’re fast tracking the end of this crap by your decisive action.

Can you picture how bad this would have been if you were waffling?

It's her mother so no matter what she does she'll take her side.

Your best option is to just block her family on everything.

All cheaters rewrite the marital history to justify their affair. Pretty common.

Your STBXW is just your typical cheater. Nothing special at all.

There is nothing for you in this so push hard and get this overwith. Then block her too.

Total no contact is your only good path.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:55 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

I can tell you I think my mother sound smack me upside the head if I cheated on my H. She’s a black and white kind of person. And cheating is not tolerated. Period.

So there are people who have morals and sound never behave like your MIL.

And it is very common for the cheater to have no remorse or any acceptance that the Affair was wrong. Dday1 my H walked around with an ego and attitude that stunk of “so what if I cheated?”

Dday2 he was begging ME to reconcile with him. I just informed him on dday2 “I was divorcing him!” Similar to the Seinfeld episode where George thinks his piano playing GF is going to break up with him so he preemptively breaks up with her first.

Suddenly my H’s not strutting around all proud of himself. His ego took a hit when I refused to reconcile and told him he had to leave.

How common is it for the cheater to show absolutely no empathy or remorse for their actions? This is the biggest shocker for me is that she seems to think that my faults in the marriage totally justifies what has happened. I have seen her be empathetic with many other people.

Someone here, I forgot who, said it best: "No one wants to be the bad guy in their own story".

It's easy to show empathy for people you haven't fucked over horribly. But what she did? The "You were a bad husband/I was unhappy so it's your fault I cheated" narrative allows her to justify her actions in her own mind by rewriting the marital history.

Chances are your wife's opinion wasn't nearly as critical of your marriage before she started cheating.

Basically your wife just has weak character and probably always has. Based on her mother's response the apple probably doesn't fall far from the tree.

Showing you empathy would in fact make her the bad guy, which she most likely doesn't want to deal with.

[This message edited by JS84 at 9:55 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

He told my wife that it was over and dumped her.

Shortly after I got that message I got an emotional call from my wife that she missed me and couldn't wait to work out and reconcile.

I can't tell you how many times over the years I've read this exact scenario. Your wife is an everyday cheater, nothing special OP, so typical.

Your MIL sounds like a peach, don't expect a Christmas card.

You've made the right moves, walk away man. Let her and Mommie stew in her fucked up affair. Hold your head up and live your life well.

So if you are such a bad guy why does she and mil want the M to continue?

So this afternoon I got a text from my WW's mother chastising me and telling me basically the exact same things my WW has been saying. All of this is my fault for issues during the marriage and she was justified in the affair. I had exposed my wife to my family and she was basically angry I had exposed her daughter.

The marriage was bad, so her logical answer was infidelity, not counseling, huh ? You.. drove her into fucking another guy, is that right? It would be really amusing to actually get your MIL to say that out loud to see if she can say it with a straight face. Maybe the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Tortured logic can be amazing. I remember some time ago taking my children to the American Legion for their Easter brunch. Their mother was some damn place with some guy. I knew it, my MIL (who was there) knew it, but we maintained my WW’s lie about visiting a sick friend so Easter would not be ruined. I remember the tears in my MILs eyes as we all played pretend. At least she could do that for me!

Why the hell shouldn’t you tell your family? Surely your STBXW doesn’t think they wouldn’t notice her missing suddenly? Seriously, since we're discussing hypocrisy. What did your wife think you would tell your family? What’s her version of the right thing to say and why?

I’m so sorry for your loss. I, too am a plan B following 15 years of what I found to be not a perfect marriage, but a working marriage.

I think you are doing a great job limiting your communication and establishing boundaries that make it crystal clear to her that she is not believed, and that her lies will not be tolerated.

In hindsight, I wish I would have done the same, though I’m quite sure I didn’t have the ability. I was overwhelmed with grief.

I’m in a limbo 18 months later that I know will be so difficult to stop, because my boundaries wavered and I tolerated lies and partial truths.

It gets better, and I expect you might find that out even sooner than me because you have started out on a more decisive path. Love yourself and take care of yourself. Find support here and from those close to you and let it out.

My heart goes out to you knowing how terrible those first days were, but others are right, you’ve got this.