SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh it's a thing all right. Heck it's been covered a ton here from what I've read.

Once I put the hammer down the HB started. WW would always initiate and I'd be a willing partner because it was basically anything goes. Now that we are in a better place in our marriage than we were just over a year ago, sex is at what I would call a happy medium. She still initiates more than I do, but I think part of it is that we are enjoying it more.

I will say that when it started I was still in a blind rage over her EA and said ... for lack of a better term... "screw it" I'm gonna enjoy this until either we try to fix things or I file for D.

We HB'd. But I was a lot like FenderGuy. I wanted her badly but I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. This went on for about 6 months, with me being nasty all the way. But at the 6 month mark, for some reason, one day I was feeling pretty low. The A, the reality of my marriage, kids, responsibilities, the paths not chosen, etc. We were doing a kind of in-house separation. I had been drinking (I like cheap, sweet wine) and she walked in the room. She wasn't wearing anything special (she had tried...hard...but I never bit before) just an old flannel shirt of mine, but it was kind of like a miniskirt on her.

Now, my wife has an innocent look about her, like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. Just a little older and more curvy...especially downstairs (4 kids and being a librarian will do that to you I guess). I joke with her that she looks like a guitar...or a bottom-heavy base fiddle. She hates that, but it seems to arouse her at the same time. I'm glad she likes to still wear conservative, billowy clothes. I think she'd get hit on A LOT!

Anyway, I felt the old electricity and 'shocked' the hell out of her

After the initial surprise, she was all in. Afterwards, she said it was great, while we were both catching our breath. I felt elated, invigorated and MAD AS HELL at myself for letting it happen. But I let it happen again...lots of times over the next several weeks.

I asked a therapist friend about it because I was still very angry and hurt but couldn't seem to keep my hands off her. I must have dropped $1000 in bribes getting the kids out of the house...movies, shopping, pizza, the works. I didn't care. She asked me about the sex and I had to admit I was extremely selfish, take-charge, take no crap about it. Sometimes it was risky with the kids in the house, which, sorry if this offends, made it even more exciting...but quick. I often had a couple of drinks (I was drinking a lot, which was abnormal for me). She said it was probably a primal reaction of some sort. That first time all my defenses were down because of the alcohol and I just NEEDED it! NEEDED HER!!! My higher brain, where my pride and anger were kind of shut down and my 'lizard' brain took over. Looking back, I guess I felt that I was owed something. She rarely initiated, but was compliant with anything I wanted. This went on for months, and we still revisit HB from time to time.

We are divorced, and because of certain things that still need to be worked out, marriage is not in the cards, but we are together as a couple and she's fine with the status quo.

Weird. We're more sexually compatable now than ever before. I almost don't remember the cinematic version of her an POSOM...almost.

As a BS I've actually been ashamed at hysterical bonding because it's like I've been racking up intamacy with someone that just betrayed me. I don't understand, and it is difficult for me to process. Anyone else feel the same?

Very common to feel conflicted, emasculated, not being able to finish, feeling soiled by it but also feeling good about it. All common.

We HB'd right after D-Day. In retrospect, I recommend that newly betrayed spouses refrain from this, put the shock and awe hammer down, remain celibate, and not initiate sex until they know for sure what they're forgiving with a completely transparent and accountable spouse, and if they really want to reconcile.

As a man you get a double whammy of pair bonding hormones - both oxytocin and vasopressin. Your wife only gets one - oxytocin.

That means men get two, while women only get one (the same one they get for their kids, incidentally).

Vasopressin has a "possessive" and also "protective" quality to it.

When a WW "severs" the pair bond with adultery, think about the excruciating pain the male brain endures. Voila... emasculation. My pointing this out doesn't minimize or lessen a BW's pain, it only goes toward explain the special emasculating pain that men as BH's feel.

This helped me to know about. I hope it helps you.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:44 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

We had several times of HB while I was still at home. Those times were the most passionate we had been in a very very long time. After we were done, I would go to my room. Those moments weren't fun because he wouldn't even say goodnight to me afterwards. My second therapist thought it was an awful idea, HB. She wanted me to hold sex over him, no sex until you tell me we are works ng on reconciling. I told her flat out "I'm not saying that. If he wants to get intimate with me, I will be at his door in a second." It also hurt because I could see the confusion/sadness/anger he felt after each time, but I also saw how he wanted to he intimate. Rock and hard place.

Thank heavens for HB. I'm convinced we would not be as far along in R without it.

Not saying it was always without tears, mind movies, and strong emotion, but it helps serve as a way to show connection, tenderness, caring and attention. It demonstrated to one another that we were each trying very very hard.

Best part was my self absorbed WH transformed himself into the generous, sensuous, passionate lover of my dreams. Intimacy is not all about him anymore, for which he's apologized, and we're enjoying the best sex of our lives.

There’s talk about emasculation but I’ll tell you, as a woman, I felt the female equivalent of this.

Powerless, weak... I questioned my sexual abilities - compared my body... my vagina to the younger version WH got up close and personal with. Male or female - the feelings are similar.

Hysterical bonding feels like a guttural need... to reclaim, to feel power when powerless, to mark, to fill a now very present void.

If I’m being honest, my WH is lucky that I was filling that need with him. He created thIs hole inside of me - my sudden lack of self worth - my sudden need for validation (sexual & otherwise) - there were glimpses during HB where I truly believed that WH could be anybody and I would be just as filled for that moment... but the more we were together in this way the more I could only see him - us. It was a different kind of sex/intimacy - it lacked our normal boundaries.

There was still all the fighting, talking, trauma and pain associated with the A, After all, the peace HB brings - the quiet -It only lasts for a moment!

So, hysterical bonding - it happens...I just think there comes a point where that excessive need dies down and then you begin to evaluate all of it. HB is like a momentary reprieve from chaos. You, like me, may actually need It to feel something/anything - to calm your inner storm.

There should be no shame in it but I know there is because of what they have done.

I did it - a lot of us have - it will be okay ... there will be quiet in your future... I promise you. You cannot do this wrong as long as you are true to you.

HB was very confusing for me. We went from having very little activity sexually to, on a relative basis attempting a more normal sex life. However my feelings were not something I could understand. I would (and still do to some extent) become obsessed with the details of her physical affair. The reaction to my obsessing over these details was the opposite of what I think I should have. I mean this is actually what I was thinking about. However, this was mainly when i was alone (sorry TMI but which during this period occurred more than once daily). However, when we were actually together some of the times I would worry about being compared etc and have ED. It was very frustrating. My therapist helped in that she told me both these things, my reaction to thinking about her affair and then my ED were pretty typical.

I still dont understand it but at least I dont try to fight it as much.