SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was done when I was done.

It took five years of her promising not to cheat again, and doing so 6 months later.

But the key thing that really resonated with me was when my therapist asked me, "What would make you happy?"

My response: My wife to stop cheating.

Hers: No. What can YOU do to make yourself happy? Not someone else (the wife), but YOU.

That was when it clicked that the ex was never going to stop, never going to change, and that only I could get my self out of infidelity.

THAT was when I knew I was done.

This ^^^^^ so very much THIS ^^^^^

Change the she to a he & that’s pretty much what my IC said to me... then the cards fell where they fell!!!

[This message edited by BigBlueEyes at 1:09 PM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

The short answer is that I knew it was time when it became clear she was irredeemably untrustworthy.

Her affair followed a familiar pattern - months of cruel and insulting comments to me. I found out, blew up the affair after TT. She was remorseful so I gave her a second chance.

Things slowly got worse until she blew up and me and went to that place of my deepest vulnerability , a place that every long term spouse knows the other has, but knows is always off limits, even in a heated argument.

It was like a lightbulb went off. If she, during this fragile time of supposedly trying to rebuild trust from the smouldering remains of our relationship, would so easily attack and mock my deepest vulnerabilities (my deep sadness about wanting to be closer to my grown children), then it was clear to me that she could never be trusted again. So, I asked myself if I could never trust her with my most intimate secrets and feelings, what kind of relationship could we possibly have?

I knew right then that it was time.

And her behavior since then has only solidified my decision and helped usher in feelings of deep relief.

For me it was a gradual process with the lightbulb eventually going on like someone flipped a switch. It began with the refusal to honor two deal breakers. That was the beginning of the end. It continued with a pattern while S of lack of legitimate remorse and eventually the clear signals that even as we marched to D, me nor the marriage would ever be a priority - it was always her and at times even her former AP - this REALLY spoke to me.

You'll know when in your heart, you realize you gave R every opportunity and the positive efforts by your WS were far outweighed by the continued and additional pain being experienced.

I think the more you read and learn combined with what your gut tells you, you'll just know as the window and gift of possible R being offered gets slimmer.

[This message edited by Kintsugi at 4:09 PM, December 4th (Wednesday)]

When the pain of staying became greater than the pain of leaving. I was seriously losing myself and my mind as my STBX had withdrawn from the M once again (he says he blames me for not working on it which I wasn't because well False R happened and he never did the work).

I can relate to this...

you will ALWAYS be blamed for the bad feelings that are on an endless loop in their heads.

A common theme in our M is how he perceived it. He did not feel validated enough and said we weren't having sex enough (we averaged about 3 x a week before D-Day 2). Then it was the kind of sex (I really wasn't into after False R). Eventually I realized it didn't matter because it was all about him.

She later replies "I'm sorry if I overreacted this morning. I was just really upset and thought you were ignoring me"

Anyways the anxiety and hopium this has induced, really has messed me up. And to put the cherry on top with unbridled rage that I'm ignoring her while I'm busy, that I'm supposed to be still at her beck and call.

Oh Sakura, this sucks And FWIW, she doesn't get to be pissed off or upset at you ignoring her anymore. WTAF.

Please (even though I know it is so so hard) do NOT respond to this shit. It is her narcissistic way of getting you to feed the ego cookie monster. It will never end well and will just fuck you up and piss you off.

I did that song & dance with my xshitbag for a few weeks. You know what helped it? NC. NCNCNC. Haven't spoken to him in months. It sucks less.

If you can't NC (sorry, can't remember if you have kids), only discuss arrangements for children or business arrangements re S or D. Anything else? Answer: "I'm sorry you feel that way".

Seriously - start doing that and you will be able to hear her brain sploding.

Thanks Ellie. No kids, just deep feelings.

I think I did hear her brain explode at one point later...I believe she's considered us to be on a "break" since she literally asked how can we get back together if we don't see each other. Wtf! Shacking up with another man is not a "break"! I told her I can't do anything with her while she's with him. You'd think it should go without saying.

She started cat/house sitting for a friend, she isn't spending nights at AP's place, so I think that's where this is coming from.

4 years from finding what he did, I realized I have no respect for him. In my adult life, I’ve always thought a cheater was a loser. Each time I heard of a cheater, my thought was always what a loser, who’d do that? Well I’m married to one and I can’t get past loser, not respect etc for him. Does not help that he’ll argue until I’m exhausted about why I’m hurt when there’s triggers. On day 2 of leaving him. Ahhh....

I knew it was time in May 2015, when I discovered a second affair after we married. Fourth known since the relationship began.

It was simply a matter of time from that moment.

The Great Kick Out wasn't until 2018 due to resources. 1) I did not have a good support system to raise my young children since I work full-time and 2) he was unemployed.

Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by Bleu at 10:56 PM, December 9th (Monday)]