SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My daughter mentioned it to me yesterday.

When we were eating dinner , my son ( let's call him Caleb (17) ) left the table to join his dad outside. Suddenly my older daughter ( let's call her Lauren ( whos 18) just leaned over hesitated and said " mom promise you won't tell anyone this came from me but guess what " ?

I asked " what " and she just said slowly with some wierd look on her face and said " Caleb's girlfriend ( lets call her Ruby (17)) has been " humping " my friend ". I asked her if it was true and she told me "yes after school we all know "

She's friends with said girlfriend and her group. How the hell do I tell a 17 year old sensetive boy that his " girlfriend " is bumping another boy without breaking his heart and that promise. my daughter blames her brother saying " its his fault for being lazy and playing ps4 or hanging with his buddy cause we could tell a while back " I dont know where she's coming from with that. It's a teenager thing I guess.

I dont like being the bearer of bad news but I can't just sit back knowing my sons gf is getting doggystyled by my daughters friend. I might reach out to her parents.

I wanna hint to my son cause he's cant handle BLUNT truth sometimes. I KNOW him

Advice pls ?

Perhaps you DS can get a "anonymous" message to start paying attention to what his GF is doing behind his back?

I would tell your daughter that she is absolutely nuts that you could promise such a thing like that. The ethics of such a thing, a guy's own sister and mother not telling him the truth, and worse, his sister actually blaming him? It's so callous, doesn't she love her brother at all?

Having your own friends and doing things you enjoy are are good reasons to cheat? Mind blowing.

Eventually it's going to come out, eventually the girl will break up with him and maybe he won't even know why. Maybe even it'll get out that those closest to him knew and that'll mess him up far worse.

He's sensitive and you're protective of him I get it, but the world is a scary place that will chew you up if you don't learn how to handle yourself. This may be a "teachable moment", and if you sit down with him and tell him honestly what's going on and give him the comfort he'll need after, he'll thank you later and emerge stronger from this.

[This message edited by ShatteredSakura at 2:02 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

I dont know how to quote users comments but problem is that she asked me to keep the secret before revealing what it was.

Anonymous messages sound plausible.

I dont know what forum to post this in

I dont know how to quote users comments but problem is that she asked me to keep the secret before revealing what it was.

She's 18 and you're her parent. If the secret was your son was on drugs or committed a crime, would you keep silent?

Your son doesn't have to know it came from her either. I'm not saying endanger your relationship with your daughter, but I do find how she's okay with keeping a secret like this or blaming her brother to be troubling.

Seems to me your daughter should be told to inform him. Anonymous or otherwise.

If the cheating GF didn’t want him to know she shouldn’t ha e done it.

The fact that your daughter - his sister - knows, is doing nothing and is blaming him is unfathomable.

If the GF was upset at him for ignoring her, etc she had options up to and including breaking up with him. She cheated because she chose to.

I get he’s sensitive. I have a sensitive teen too. But sensitive or not - the real world doesn’t care. The truth hurts and sucks.

You can help him deal and process.

If your daughter thinks it’s his fault, and that it’s ok for both her and you to keep it from him, then that’s where you need to be concerned.

She needs to be set straight...give her an ultimatum that she needs to tell him herself and if she doesn’t then you will and she will get consequences from you.

There's your promise not to tell vs the greater good

and your parental duty to save your son!

This is a teaching moment for your daughter too (family first)!

I dont know how to quote users comments but problem is that she asked me to keep the secret before revealing what it was.

He's your son and her brother. You both should remember that.

I've seen these things hidden before. The damage is double if he finds out you knew and didn't warn him.

Tell him the truth.

With all due respect, IWonderWhyMe, I think you are focusing on the wrong issue here. I don't think the question is how do you resolve letting your son find out without breaking your daughter's confidence.

Gently, your daughter, at 18, should understand right from wrong. While she might not have the life experience to fully understand the pain that your son might now go through, she is taking sides with her cheating friend and justifying the cheating. If it was your son cheating on his girlfriend, would your daughter take the same stance? I suspect not.

Your daughter needs to be the one to tell him, with your advice and support. She wants to treat you as a co-conspirator in this juicy piece of gossip but you can't be that because you are their parent not a friend.

If you don't tell him and he finds out you knew, it WILL damage your relationship with him. My mother had strong suspicions that my first wife was cheating on me. She was right and I had a hard time understanding how for a year she didn't say anything to me. I understood the logic of her arguments but this was my mum, the one person I can be emotional/sensitive around. It still hurts 30 years on and it totally undermined my relationship with her for about 10 years. I was much older than your son but I can see at his age I would have been even more puzzled and confused.

Can you tell your daughter that she should tell your son and you and their father will be there with also? I really hope you can find a way forward and I really hope your daughter takes a long hard look at her friends circle.

[This message edited by hansvoleman at 3:58 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

Tell your daughter you can’t keep a secret that causes harm to someone else. Understand that this will likely mean your daughter will no longer confide in you.

Is your son having sex with the girlfriend? I hope your daughter isn’t spreading gossip with no proof.

With all due respect, IWonderWhyMe, I think you are focusing on the wrong issue here. I don't think the question is how do you resolve letting your son find out without breaking your daughter's confidence.

Gently, your daughter, at 18, should understand right from wrong. While she might not have the life experience to fully understand the pain that your son might now go through, she is taking sides with her cheating friend and justifying the cheating. If it was your son cheating on his girlfriend, would your daughter take the same stance? I suspect not.

Your daughter needs to be the one to tell him, with your advice and support. She wants to treat you as a co-conspirator in this juicy piece of gossip but you can't be that because you are their parent not a friend.

If you don't tell him and he finds out you knew, it WILL damage your relationship with him. My mother had strong suspicions that my first wife was cheating on me. She was right and I had a hard time understanding how for a year she didn't say anything to me. I understood the logic of her arguments but this was my mum, the one person I can be emotional/sensitive around. It still hurts 30 years on and it totally undermined my relationship with her for about 10 years. I was much older than your son but I can see at his age I would have been even more puzzled and confused.

Can you tell your daughter that she should tell your son and you and their father will be there with also? I really hope you can find a way forward and I really hope your daughter takes a long hard look at her friends circle. 

What did your mom say ?

Interesting my children are thick as thieves (always protecting and backing each other). They very close in age and function as almost mini platoon.

I could not imagine one of them breaking proverbial ranks to not protecting their sibling.

I would be very concerned about the character of your daughter, especially with her comment.

I am also deeply disturbed by your behavior as well, more concerned about daughter secret than your son.... you very well may find yourself permanently on the outside with him in the future and frankly it would be understandable. But I guess you have a favorite.

If she were my daughter, frankly her feelings would now the be LEAST of my concern and frankly imagining this it would affect my opinion of her and there would be significant and far reaching consquences.

[This message edited by blahblahblahe at 5:54 PM, December 1st (Sunday)]

I think if infidelity as a health issue, since my husbands affair was unprotected with someone with possible exposure to stds.

If your son got a disease, you’d never forgive yourself.

Tell him ASAP.

I didn't mean to give the impression that I have a favorite sorry

I didn't mean to give the impression that I have a favorite sorry

I didn't get this impression at all from your post. You are at this point stuck in the middle. Trying to do what is best for both.

However, I think you need to sit down with your daughter and explain that this really is something that you can't keep to yourself and that you will be telling him.

He has a right to know that his girlfriend is cheating on him and I personally think an anonymous message is just cold, but that is just me. But I do understand the reasoning behind the idea of sending one. If your son is that sensitive he is going to need some support when he finds out and it is better to hear it from people that have his back. Which you do.

And I do agree with the others that he would be more hurt that you knew and didn't say anything.

I am sorry that this is happening to your son.

Yes he's still having sex with her from what I know.

And yes I do need to sit her down

I think this is the perfect time to help set the moral compass in your daughter straight.

As other posters have mentioned, she should be the one telling her brother. After all, family should protect each other, right (at least for the right reasons)?

A lot of kids are now insulated from reality through too much visual data (TV, internet, social media, etc), and they are distanced from reality. We see violence on all media, and it feels like another world.

Your daughter may not be able to connect the reality of the situation because of this.

It would be heartbreaking if your son finds out that your daughter knew all along. It would devastate him, and their relationship will never be the same, as she betrayed him also. He will never trust his sister again.

Yeah, tell your son, talk to your daughter.

Not sure why some posters are so shocked that an 18 year old doesn't understand the harm that infidelity causes. Most adults don't. Hell, when I told my mom about my ex, even she didn't understand or think it was a big deal, and she was >60 at the time. Some people just can't really extrapolate unless they experience it themselves, or experience something similar.

Your daughter is not a bad person. But she does need a little tutorial from you on blameshifting and betrayal. It will serve her well in the future.