SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In context she didn't mean accident, she meant poor decision that she wishes she hadn't made. Like, Hitler fighting a land war in Russia was a mistake.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 4:11 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:53 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

MC is normally a rugsweep. Save the marriage at all cost which is usually heaped on the BS.

You were right in not expecting anything else.

Your marriage isn’t broken it’s your wife.

Hopium will keep you entangled in the mess.

Until you go your own way I doubt much will change.

At this time you are effectively keeping yourself in this. For what purpose?

This looks like a slow-motion managed retreat. Using your Hitler/Russia analogy, where is your Leningrad going to be. At some point you’ll not have any ground left to give up.

Marriage counseling today was likely useless (congrats to everyone who has been through this before me that called it).

You wrote the above . My guess is no one responding to you wants to be correct at your expense.

But every time you post something it confirms she is entrenched in her ability to keep shoving you backwards .

If you think you’re in pain and distress now wait until May when she’s at a hotel silty him again .

This0is0fine,

None of us want to be right, we just don't have the history and emotions that you are going through so we can see what is going on.

I honestly wish i was wrong all the time on here, maybe I have been, but I wouldn't wish what I and we all are going through on anyone, not even my ex.

You will only heal once you stop picking at the wound and start letting it heal, fooling yourself is jabbing your finger into the middle of it and swirling it around, it only makes it worse.

I don't know what the answer is for you, I don't know what your future holds, I was reading a book last night "Not, Just Friends" I had to skip to the end where I am moving forward alone and one of the things it said was that we don't know if this is the end or not, we only know that we are in the middle of it, it might be finished, it might be fixed, it might turn around months or years from now or even after you get divorced. We don't know. (I highly paraphrased that btw.)

We only know what is happening now and I know it sucks, as do you. Making a choice is what you need to do, some will say it's too early, some will say it's too late, only you can answer that question.

Once you make your choice, try it out for a while. You can always change your mind later but based on all you have said I don't see her working on it in any real way.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 11:21 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

Respectfully - your WW really needs to quit her job. It is the only way to true NC and it is the least she can do to show some level of concern for your feelings.

Where we are right now, following her very conciliatory tone due to my reminder after a long conversation last night is:
I want her to leave her job, I think it's a reasonable request, and her not doing it is doing continuing damage to the M (I believe someone on the board called this self-inflicted Chinese water torture).
She does not want to leave her job because she feels pride, ownership, and identity in it. She takes full responsibility for her terrible choices that hurt me.
We both understand that this is not a condition that can continue indefinitely.

MC is normally a rugsweep. Save the marriage at all cost which is usually heaped on the BS.
You were right in not expecting anything else.
Your marriage isn’t broken it’s your wife.
Hopium will keep you entangled in the mess.
Until you go your own way I doubt much will change.
At this time you are effectively keeping yourself in this. For what purpose?

Feels like more of a minimization because of the false equivalency in terms of what to do about it. We are not rugsweeping. There will be no rugsweeping. There will be no blameshifting.
I know I am keeping myself in this. For a few reasons. 1) Things could improve. 2) Even if they are flat for now, I'm not suffering terribly. 3) The best scheduling window for divorce is in the summer. We can take care of everything while the kids are at camp or grandma's house or something.

This looks like a slow-motion managed retreat. Using your Hitler/Russia analogy, where is your Leningrad going to be. At some point you’ll not have any ground left to give up.

Maybe the company event in May.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 4:11 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:53 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

TIF, you need to get yourself out of this filth that you are living in. From the tone of your posts it is already clear that you have lost, and are still losing self-respect.

Right now SHE is the one calling ALL the shots. Her needs are taking precedence over yours. FOO issues? That's just a bunch of crap she and MC are using to get you to go along with the program.

What if you were to lay down the law and tell WW that BIL needs to be told of WW's sister's infidelity, this week. I bet you would gain a lot of that self-respect you have been leaking, back.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 1:17 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

She does not want to leave her job because she feels pride, ownership, and identity in it.

Let’s just call this out for what it is: bullshit.

This is a line. It’s blather and nonsense. She’s already acknowledged that the job is pretty run of the mill and nothing special. It’s “wah-wah-wah” said by Charlie Brown’s teacher.

There is only one logical reason for her to stay in the job and you know what it is.

She takes full responsibility for her terrible choices that hurt me.

Gently no she doesn’t. Everything you’ve reported to us thus far contradicts this, and paints a portrait of an unremorseful spouse significant lacking in empathy. Words and tears are meaningless.

We are going to continue to leave my poor BIL in limbo until we have a better fix on our shit. I'm ok with this for now, but I emphasized my value of integrity and honesty very explicitly.

How long is this particular item going to go on without being addressed? More than another day or two and you risk being dragged into ethically problematic territory and allowing her moral slime to cover you as well. She’s actively recruiting you to join her in the toxic stew she’s brewed for herself. I think you are better than that.

following her very conciliatory tone due to my reminder after a long conversation last night

Honestly, pretty words and soothing phrases are devoid of content and utterly meaningless when contradicted by opposing actions time after time.

The truths we can all discern from your wife’s repeated actions are that she’s sorry you found out, she resents conditions you’re now imposing, she feels entitled to her own definition of marriage and other relationships, and she feels sorta kinda bad about how it makes you feel — but only up to a point — and she’s not going to take any active steps to address your pain and will only do anything unless you kick and scream about it. She also doesn’t really believe you’re going anywhere. Prime territory for a repeat.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:38 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

This0is0Fine: Did I miss a resolution about her sister's cheating? Did you inform your BIL or is that on indefinite hold too?

Did I miss a resolution about her sister's cheating? Did you inform your BIL or is that on indefinite hold too?

Priorities. Yes, it's on indefinite hold. I need to figure out my shit first, not have a proxy war. Resolution of my shit will allow this to resurface then become resolved. If I really had integrity on my asks and demands, I would have already filed for D because she hasn't left the job and hasn't scheduled the poly. I'm obviously a little bitch though.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:54 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:53 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

She doesn't want her head out of her ass, she wants to keep seeing him, but hey she is saying all the right things, just not doing all the right things.

This IsSo Fine

It’s absolutely amazing to most of us that you can make a statement that if and when you patience wears down. If what she has done , or not done to be more precise , has not shattered your patience what on earth will. It seems unless you accidentally catch her with him nothing will prompt you to any action

No divorce is not the cure all for everything . But in your case , it’s obvious that you are going to get nowhere unless she believes that really could happen. And it can be stopped any time you decide

They travel together in May. I would guess very few here would think that you will be any where different in this process than where you are now

Friend, by waiting to tell BIL of WW's sister all you are doing is prolonging your time living in the filth.

It is a necessity that BIL knows, what the hell is there to gain by waiting. What is the worst that could happen on your end if you were to tell him. Your wife being angry that you actually stood up for your beliefs? Maybe she is losing respect for you right now as you try to appease her.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:56 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

You are in a troublesome situation. Whether in your own relationship, or the sister-in-laws.

In these situations, usually it's best to let the cards fall. Be true to yourself. At the end of the day, it's you that you see in the mirror. Ensure that the person looking back at you, is someone that you are happy with.

A couple of thoughts.

Your WW prioritizes FOO issues as her prime reason as to why she refuses to leave this work. Does she not consider that the possible lose of her marriage, a bigger emotional upheaval. I guarantee that there have been more suicides over marital splits, than over having to look for another job. Especially when one can be successfully found.

I seriously feel it is more to do with the affair and the AP. She is still in the emotional pull of the euphoria of the affair. She still has not committed herself wholly to you.

If you keep trying to nice her back, it comes at a high price to you. It just tears you to pieces.

Remember, the mirror...

[This message edited by paboy at 9:31 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]

TIF:

What amazes me is that you have yourself convinced you are actually doing something.

To this point you have done little except talk...and bluff.

The problem with this is your WW is better at both of those than you.

But taking action? That would require you confront your fears of losing the marriage as opposed to the faux course of action which you claim to be taking.

Of all the people you can possibly lie to, lying to yourself often has the most significant consequences.

I want her to leave her job, I think it's a reasonable request, and her not doing it is doing continuing damage to the M (I believe someone on the board called this self-inflicted Chinese water torture).

That was me. But I was not referring to what she was doing and the "damage" it is doing to the marriage.

I was describing you. What you are doing to yourself with this half-ass, word salad, no real action approach to your wife's affair.

How many laps you want to take around this retarded race track is up to you. But just don't think you are getting anywhere. You are not on a road, it is a circle.

would use this to file for uncontested divorce if I needed it.

This isn’t worth the paper she wrote it on.