SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And I have already self-selected the few facts that bother me out of a week or more of interaction that have mostly been pleasing.

So if she cooks & cleans 99 times this month and only sleeps with the coworker once, that's only a 1% screw up.......what a wife!!!

You may not believe it now, but you will feel so much better when YOU file. Don’t let her file, You will regret it for rest of your life.

I’m sorry you are in this situation, but it seems like you are finally realizing what needs to be done

TIF,

I am very sorry for what you have been through in the past 48 hours.

This is a challenging and exhausting time for you, and I hope you do not take anything written here as a criticism of you.

I think a lot of people who have been following your thread feel angry about what has been done to you, and that emotion can sometimes sound like you are the target of it.

You are not.

You are the spiritual brother of every man and woman who has had reason to visit this forum. Our hearts are with you as you try to figure out the best way forward.

I think it is best that you keep your sources of information secret for the time being, as the situation is ongoing, and you need as many undisclosed ways to gather intelligence as possible.

Right now you have a lot on your mind, and I will not bombard you with suggestions. However, I do agree with the other poster who suggested that you let the wife of the AP know that your wife is still in pursuit of her husband.

What your wife said about 'almost' wishing she could ask her AP about his kid may have been her fishing for your response, as she has actually been asking him about the state of his marriage.

There is a lot that you know and do not need pointed out to you, but if you do need any help or advice, there are a lot of people here who are on your side, and who will do whatever they can for you.

We may all be 'socially distancing' at the moment, but I am sending a heartfelt bro hug across the Atlantic to you from the UK.

You are a good man, TIF, and your wife is a fool to risk losing you.

I found out she has broken NC. Not romantically, but to talk about how his marriage was doing which is over the line. I found out our mutual friend was wayward. I told our mutual friend's husband. Inevitably my wife found out I did this. We had a super long fight last night but didn't land on R or D.

Make no mistake. Any contact is for one purpose only.

She’s still deep in the wayward mindset. The cheaters cardinal rule “privacy to cheat”.

Unfortunately, the truly painful irony is, that if you actually had ......

set hard boundaries, pushed her out of the relationship and potentially out of the house (as best legally thru filing or other means) and toward the AP, made clear that you don’t want to talk to her until She ends all contact with him including business contact and initiate and not stop the D process until she had another job, until she provided a written plan for rebuilding, until she fully committed to IC to understand why she did what she did and help you heal, and until she proved to you that she sees both herself and the AP as pieces of shit that were two broken people and that she loves you and only you..... and completely wants him out of her life....

then, you’d probably actually be closer to the R you desire than you are today.

But that’s just the way I see it. It’s your life to live.

[edit] Ps: sorry for the harsh tone. As M1965 says, it’s out of frustration for a “brother” who is getting shafted by his supposedly loving partner.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:24 PM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

I found out our mutual friend was wayward. I told our mutual friend's husband. Inevitably my wife found out I did this. We had a super long fight last night

Was the fight started because your WW objected to you telling the OBH about his WW's infidelity? She felt strongly enough about that to get into a fight with you?

Also, is there any nexus between that cheating woman and your WW's AP?

Not romantically, but to talk about how his marriage was doing which is over the line.

I'm sorry it has come to this. I truly am. I always hope that someone comes out of this free from Infidelity and still married if that is what they want and it seemed that is what you wanted. I would just say though that asking him about his marriage is romantic. What was she hoping to find out? That he was getting divorced? I have a lot of female co-workers and it would never occur to me to ask about the state of their relationship and if one asked me that I would immediately think that she was fishing to see if I was available. I can't see how you take this request as anything but romantically intended.

Your wife has decided that she wants to change her life TIF. All that remains of your marriage is to admit it to yourself and move on with your life too. It didn't work out for her and the other man this time but realistically, her behavior has nothing to do with the other man. She has decided she's not happy and will be seeking out someone else whether she's married to you or not. Your wife ended your marriage in her mind a long time ago. I'm sorry that you like other betrayed spouses weren't given the heads-up that the marriage was effectively over and now it's hitting you like a ton of bricks. Please realize however, that being single again is better than living with a cheater-in-waiting never knowing when the hammer will drop again. Your life will be better and more successful once this mess is over. Take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

TIF.

Just sorry to read of this new betrayal – and that is exactly what it is. A major betrayal. I know you desperately wanted R and there have be a number of times it looked like it might be possible – only for WW to fuck it up again. How many times can you take this? Sorry for the 2 x 4, but it really feels as if you’ve been displaying signs of suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome I wish someone was there to do an intervention on you. Hoping for the best whatever you decide.

Reference for my user name...

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:46 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:36 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

TIF,

I don't want a divorce.

Gently now, this is not your ultimate goal. It is a short term target for you, and you are focusing too much on it.

Your long term goal is....... to get out of Infidelity.

The R or D does not really matter. The journey that you take is with the long term goal in mind. Whether the journey leads you to R or D, you will achieve your ultimate goal of getting out of Infidelity.

By focusing so much on keeping your M together, you are blinding yourself to what really matters in the end.

Lets say your WW decides she wants to R, you are ecstatic. You live a happy life (in your mind, but she is probably seething with anger and resentment), and then she steps out again. You get hurt, but hey, you avoided the big D! Yay!

It would be a pyrrhic victory.

Please refocus your end goal, to a longer term one, rather than a short term one.

She is still dis respecting you.

Buffer

I am saddened to hear of your latest updates This0Is0Fine. I was hoping for you that your WW was starting to be turning the right corner with your updates at the end of February.

But yeah, what everyone else has said. Meanwhile, her breaking NC was bad enough, but I am not convinced you even know the whole story.

Her breaking NC to "ask about OM about his marriage"--bad as that may be, I really don't think that was it, I suspect that she also wanted to talk about more than that and that is even may have been part of her plan to resume communication between her and OM.

Meanwhile, are you really sure you know the whole story about Valentine's Day? What she told you back in MC doesn't make that much sense.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:57 AM, April 8th (Wednesday)]

She also wanted to talk to him about HER marriage, still sending out feelers.

TIF,

I am sure this has been another hard day for you. The messages here may at times seem quite bleak, but everyone wants the best for you, and they do not want to see you taken for a ride.

We had a super long fight last night but didn't land on R or D. I thought for sure she would want to D then and there. We started going through finances and she realized she can barely afford an apartment and wants me to sell the house, she didn't want to visit the house we bought together. But we talked and talked some more. Never finalized any decision. Feels like we are headed for D more likely than not, and just need to figure out the logistics.

It can be very painful to start operating as an individual when you are used to being a couple, but please do what is best for you - as an individual - when it comes to the finances and logistics.

This is a time when it is vital to make your best interests your number one priority. You cannot count on your wife to have your back. She still appears to be living in a fantasy-land of her own creation, which is why she never commits to a final decision.

If she commits to R, it means abandoning her fantasy. If she commits to D, it means wrecking her circumstances and exposing the reality behind her fantasy. Which is that her AP is not going to demolish his his marriage for her, and she will never be anything more than a side piece for him, playing second fiddle to his wife.

So she rants and rages, out of frustration at the situation she has created, and then buries her head in the sand again.

Be careful, TIF. She is operating with only her best interests at heart. It would be wise to run all financial decisions past an attorney. You have no intention of deliberately disadvantaging your wife, but you must not do that to yourself either.

The most recent fight went like this. I told her you can't stay in the job, it's a deal breaker. You also can't leave it just to try to appease me and stop the divorce. I am not going to force you to do anything. She resigned. I called my lawyer. We each had individual counseling and then marriage counseling. Both of our ICs supported each of us. As you can all expect the MC was about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop. She asked me why I felt it was my responsibility to tell our friend about infidelity. I said that I would want that info if he had it about me. Simple answer. She says yes but why did you feel it's your responsibility. This goes back to something she said before that neither of us had the responsibility to make the other happy. I asked is there any responsibility in the world? She doesn't answer. She says why is it your responsibility? We go back and forth like this for a bit. I say, I think we are done here. Give my wife the keys and walk home. She gets home, I tell her we are getting a divorce. Now finally she decides she really doesn't want one and just wants to love me if I'm willing to love her still (after her IC appointment she said it would be ok if it didn't work out). I say fine we can keep going but I don't see how it will work. Based on my most recent info gathering I'm basically 100% sure she didn't do anything other than the one kiss, so that's inside my forgiveness window. However she was breaking the NC agreement and doesn't respect me. So yeah. That's where I am.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:45 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:37 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

So you withdrew the D and she withdrew the Resignation?

So do you now proceed with the D?

Just the fact that she withdrew the Resignation shows that she doesn’t want to save her marriage.

This is one thread that I actually feel like I’ve been on the rollercoaster with you.

Please, for your own sake, tell her you are moving on without her and if she wants to have a chance with you down the road she knows what she needs to do. And don’t give in until you see it. Until you see ALL of it.

- Quits the job

- Writes up a plan to rebuild

- Explains why she wants you

- Tells you how she expects to help you heal

- Gives full transparency

- Admits that it’s your right to tell anyone you want about what she did

- proves NC every day

- Poly

- writes you what I means to her to have a chance

- writes to you what she feels about you

- no more male friends

I can go on and on.

And don’t stop the D until you see it all.

Please TIF. You deserve all of that. You’ve been doing the heavy lifting. That’s never the way to find reconciliation.

Resign yourself to moving on without her and tell her you are finding happiness on your own. If she finally does the right things then you’ll have a pleasant surprise. But don’t count on it. Don’t expect it. And don’t try and manufacture it.

I’m pleading with you. Please...

[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:02 PM, April 8th (Wednesday)]

I am with Stevesn. This0Is0Fine, your last post was muddled and confusing and I think it sort of sums up your entire actions so far. I mean, in your last post this is what happened:

1. you telling her that staying in her job is a deal-breaker

2. so she resigns

3. then she stops the resignation, because...why again??

4. so no plans for her to resign AND no plans to divorce. Right back to where you started. Oh well.

This cycle has repeated itself on here a lot over the past several months. Do you see why you keep going around in circles?

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:04 AM, April 9th (Thursday)]

TIF,

I’ve give you a couple of 2 x 4’s over many, many weeks, but this just makes me sad. You have tried soooo hard and she just can’t or won’t get it. You’ve had a another man in your marriage since the beginning and for some reason, she can’t let go of him. At this point, It appears she is broken beyond repair. I wish it were different. Above all else, take care of yourself. You deserve someone better than WW in her current state.

It is not like she has some master plan and is outsmarting you at every turn, no her decision maker is busted and she is trying anything to see what works.

You both seem to have a hard time sticking with a decision it seems you both decide something then see the others reaction and then change the decisions.

Like with her resigning from the job. Of course she is doing it for you. If it were up to her she'd keep working there, OM or not.

So if she is keeping the job are you back at the divorce?

Y'all need to pick a path and stick to it. I think if you do decide on working towards D she will understand the D is a possibility stop jerking you around...the old you must risk your marriage in order to save it.