SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

T,

Thanks for the update. I’m glad you’re holding up OK and getting through this mess better than a lot of people. There we two things in your post that are seriously troubling. The first is she is clearly lying to you about looking for a job. The second, and most disturbing, is that she still wants a non-work relationship with the AP. This is how it started to begin with. Something is very, very wrong here. She is either not out of the “fog” or is drifting back in to it. I know this will be difficult to deal with while you’re under “house arrest”, but you are going to need to address this at some point. It feels like we’ve seen this movie before. Hoping for the best.

TiF, I don't understand how you can say she wishes she could have a friendly conversation with OM and then only mere lines later you think she wants nothing to do with him. Those two things do not align. Either she doesn't want anything to do with him and she avoids all contact with him or she wants to be his friend and does want something more than NC with him. I have to wonder if maybe you're in a fog right now in order to convince yourself that two completely contradictory things about her behavior are true. It doesn't make any sense. No matter how you look at it, her behavior is saying loud and clear that she's not done with him. She's not ready to be done with him. You need to give up any delusion that she wants nothing to do with him when she tells you she misses his friendship to your face.

It doesn't matter that you've had a week of mostly pleasant interactions. Pleasant interactions happened during the A. Pleasant interactions have very little to do with being faithful. Wanting to be friends with OM and admitting she's no longer job searching are what have to do with her ability to be faithful to you and right now her behavior is throwing up big red flags. Have you called her out on both? Have you asked her what happened to her shame surrounding him?

Personally, I wouldn't bother because clearly she never felt that bad in the first place if all it took was a few weeks and some boredom for her to want to open that door to him again. She can't honestly tell you the truth if confronted right now because the truth is she still holds a candle for him in some shape or form and she knows being upfront about that will end your marriage. These little tidbits of alarming behavior are her mask slipping. It's the truth behind all the pleasantries. It's what you need to focus on because no matter how she feels, she's going to keep telling you everything you want to hear and being pleasant with you while she does whatever she wants behind your back. That's what you're seeing happen right in front of you. Pay attention to it and stop minimizing it.

I don't mean to be obtuse, she realizes it won't happen and she now doesn't want anything to do with him. She was just being open about regretting the destruction of the friendship as well as my trust/our marriage as it was.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:47 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:37 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Hope all goes well during the lock down.

Buffer

This0is0Fine, the bottom line is this: Your wife should be doing everything in her power to be winning you back. And she clearly is not.

She is still in an unsafe situation where there is still a line of communication open between her and OM. And she is showing no urgency to take herself out of this situation. I get it--everything is slower now and her income is valuable and we all gotta eat and in these times she should be thankful she is still getting a paycheck, but damn brother, she isn't taking *any* steps to put herself out there when it comes to a new job.

This, despite you expressing to her repeatedly how important it is to you that she leave her job and stop working in the same company as OM.

And yet, here you are on here parsing what she really meant when your WW laments the destruction of her friendship with OM. You do understand that this is besides the point, right. She really should instead be lamenting what she did to you and her marriage and be doing everything she can to fix it. And--after what she did to you, why is she even expressing to you ANY concern about how she ruined her friendship with OM in the first place.

The attitude she expressed several weeks ago at the end of February--when she was actively looking for a new job because she knew her actions made her current position an unsafe environment for herself, your marriage, and you, were more like it. (Or maybe it was because the whole thing repulsed her and she just had to get away from it. Even if it was that, at least she had expressed her own feelings of urgency to find a job, which is more than you have now...) It had seemed then that she was finally starting to get it and was taking steps to protect you both. This latest update though, is a serious backtrack.

You can think about this for yourself: Let's say OM didn't reject her. Or let's say that OM messages her to ask 'how she is holding up through all this COVID-19'. How do you think she will respond.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:10 PM, April 4th (Saturday)]

We'll see if the event in May becomes some sort of final battle or not. Many things can change in a few months.

Bet you never thought the world be on lockdown...

I did not expect gonna lockdown. No.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:46 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:38 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

It may have worked out good for you and the WW...

TIF, just stick to your plan. Do the 180, not overly friendly, but not rock grey distant. Just sorry it's going to take you a while to fully implement it. Good luck over the next few months.

1)Not looking for a new job as promised (still lying).

2) still in contact with OM.

3) Now even after seeing all the destruction she caused, she has the audacity to openly admit she still wants to be "friends" with him again, really !!.

This admission alone should be enough for to you to dump her, it confirms where her mind is, OM is STILL taking prime real estate inside her head, instead she should be doing everything in her power and bending over backwards to focus on you and your needs, she's clearly NOT.

Based on this IMHO your WW is not even close to being a good candidate for R by a very long shot, until you man up and put your foot down she has no incentive to change a thing and this will keep being a constant in your future updates, remember R is very difficult even with a fully remorseful WW doing all the work and heavy-lifting to restore the M, right now you simply don't have that since she's literally not even moving a finger to change the current situation, this is exhibit A of why NC FOREVER is paramount.

I have to say I am really struggling to understand your calm demeanor about all this.

1. She is lying to you about looking for a job and is not even making token gestures in that direction.

2.You calmly listen to her inform you that she regrets losing the friendship with the OM, putting it on an equal footing with the near destruction of your marriage.

I don't mean to be obtuse, she realizes it won't happen and she now doesn't want anything to do with him. She was just being open about regretting the destruction of the friendship as well as my trust/our marriage as it was.

Surely the two are not mutually exclusive. It was the nature of her friendship with him that caused your loss of trust and the strong potentiality of ending your marriage.

How can she regret the loss of a friendship that practically ended your marriage and how can you not see the incredibly inappropriate nature of such a statement directed at you?

Yes, it is honest at least but red flags are waving and alarm bells ringing at her presumption to say such a thing to you and that it be received with such equanimity.

I can guarantee that if you go to the Wayward Forum, not one Wayward who is truly remorseful would support such thinking because it is Wayward.

You seem to be getting on, which is excellent news but that does not mean you can start rug sweeping. Again!

Please listen to the good advice by experienced members and stop thinking you know better.

I found it she has broken NC. I found out our mutual friend was wayward. I told our mutual friend's husband. Inevitably my wife found out I did this. We had a super long fight last night but didn't land on R or D. I thought for sure she would want to Do then and there. We started going through finances and she realized she can barely afford an apartment and wants me to sell the house, she didn't want to visit the house we bought together. But we talked and talked some more. Never finalized any decision. Feels like we are headed for D more likely than not, and just need to figure out the logistics.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:46 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:38 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

I'm sorry she broke NC. Her excuse is not valid.

Every contact (including just seeing him on the street) with the OM has a romantic emotional component which is one of the reasons of NC.

How did you find out about her breaking NC?

Did they talk or text? How long was the contact?

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:03 AM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

Dear This0is0Fine,

When are you going to wake up and SMELL THE COFFEE!!!! Your wife has checked out of the marriage, and you are failing to understand it. It is my opinion you must man-up and report them to their HR department.

She has lied to you throughout the entire ordeal. I believe you must show strength. What I've seen lately here on SI are many betrayed husbands showing a lack of strength and backbone and using every excuse in the book to stay in the marriage without help from their spouse.

Best to you

Bigheart

I get it. I don't want a divorce. It's been since page 19 that I reasoned D was the right answer. I still don't want it. What I want hardly matters anymore. Is it going to happen? Almost definitely.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 3:46 PM, Wednesday, May 19th]

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 6:38 PM, Wednesday, September 16th]

Like I said, I feel no need to correct the record.

This translates as you are scared your WW will get mad at you.

It's normal to doubt yourself...it is hard to actually pull the trigger on D.

That limbo is a killer. It will kill your energy, your life, and your soul. It causes depression, anxiety, and fear. Once you pull that trigger, that goes away.

She broke NC...

Pull the trigger. You will feel better after you do it. It's not just the decision, it is the action that counts.

How did you find out she broke NC?

Her actions continue to scream wayward. The argument because you told the friend about an affair his spouse is engaged in, simply tells you she still thinks affairs are ok, and what the BS doesn't know is ok, as long as the WS is protected.

Such irony. The OW contacts her AP to talk to him about how his marriage is going. The audacity!

Please tell me you have let his poor wife know.

You don't seem set on divorce. So, if you decide to try to R, what are going to be your drop dead dealbreakers? One should be she must quit her job immediately. The other should be a polygraph. But,honestly, you would be smart to end this now.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:18 AM, April 7th (Tuesday)]

TIF

We had a super long fight last night but didn't land on R or D. I thought for sure she would want to D then and there.

Why would she want D? She’s perfectly happy eating cake. You’re the one that is miserable, and you’re the only one keeping yourself there.

It's either THIS:

I told BIL, two days later, my WW says SIL told BIL.

Or THIS:

I wouldn't call it out of the blue considering the progress we have made in MC (getting her to convince SIL to tell BIL)

Which is it sir? You seem to be sort of gaslighting yourself on this one. Did you tell him or do you believe your WW's story that the SIL told him? Don't you know that YOU did or did not tell him? It can only be one of these facts!!!

It's not hard to believe she actually saw the light. BUT, it is possible she just got dumped.

My money is on she got dumped.