Thumos,
I'm seeing the effects of D on my 10 year old GS. (The process started 2 years ago, after years of terrible fighting between my S and XDIL.) Yes, it's devastating. In my son's case, it would have been worse if they had stayed together, much worse. But there's no way to get around the devastation.
Our GS is working his way through it. During the strife he acted out at school, hitting fellow students and worse. He just moved to a new school, and his old classmates organized a going away party for him. Think about that - he changed from being a bully 2 years ago into a kid valued by the kids he used to bully, all while going through his parents' D and separation. (He does see a therapist, and I'm sure that helped.)
Kids are sensitive, but flexible and responsive.
IOW, if your kid is insecure now, coming to a definitive solution can restore his sense of security, and he may very well move on beautifully.
You MUST give up your fear of making a mistake, for your own well-being. Again, life is risk. Very, very little in life is 100%. You're human. You make mistakes every day, whether you recognize the mistakes or not. You're imperfect. And that's all OK. You are OK.
I believe you will consider your loved ones in making your decisions. My bet is the best decision for you will be the best decision for them, because they are a natural part of your decision-making process.
*****
I hope your talks with your W bring you together. I hope she passes the poly. I hope you can describe the M you want, and I hope your vision and your W's fit together well. I hope both of you commit to building that M, and I hope both of you deliver what you've promised.
But if that doesn't happen, you can still thrive, and you can still be the person and parent and partner that you want to be.
*****
This site is extremely namby pamby when it gets into the mind of cheaters.
No one here gets into the mind of any WS except for the WSes who tell us what's on their minds.
There's a lot of speculation about what's in other peoples' minds here, but no one can know what another person thinks unless s/he tells us. And no one can know more about a specific person's feelings than what that person tells us - an a person can tell us only what s/he thinks s/he feels....
IOW, I believe you would heal more fully if you stopped trying to universalize (sorry for the neologism) your experience. Generalizing helps not one whit in processing one's feelings.
And I don't see a lot of namby-pambyness WRT WSes.
I saw it in the eyes of my ex. They feel like they are gods.
How many WSes have you interviewed? How did you select your survey participants? Or are you basing your conclusion on one sure data point, your XW?
Not all WSes are the same. There are patterns. For example, my W's A started as a KISA A - she saw herself as saving ow from killing herself. That's a lot different from an 'exit A.' On d-day, the look in my W's eyes was not that of a god(dess).
[This message edited by sisoon at 9:55 AM, December 16th (Monday)]