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Anybody have a specific target they were waiting for before filing or seperating? My situation is that I feel stuck because my departure would start a series of dominos tumbling; likely bankruptcy, losing the kids childhood home and moving from their school district. The kids are about to start high school and I can't handle being the reason they suffer. My struggle is the feeling that I'm stringing my wife along with the idea that I want to reconcile and also how to process all the struggles of (basically) faking it for another 5 years.

Any advice from other veterans in this position?

The kids are about to start high school and I can't handle being the reason they suffer.

You aren't the reason. I think you'll find being a martyr won't help you much. Kids aren't stupid and living in this kind of environment isn't healthy.

You can't/don't see it now but life is real short.

Put some thought into your finances. See an attorney (maybe a free consult) to see exactly where you are.

[This message edited by Marz at 1:04 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

I have talked finances with a counselor and we carry more debt than we should. We're working on it with a plan but the plan basically finishes around the time the kids are in high school.

I get the idea of not being a martyr but I also know that it would be painfully obvious if I started to steer this boat in that direction because my wife is a conflict avoider who bottles up her feelings. She really thinks this is just a rough patch but it's been miserable for years.

Have you thought about the fact it would be easier for them to have all this sorted before they start high school. It would give then the opportunity to have a balanced settled life rather than the possibility of it all imploding at any time. Kids can sense the underlying tension and may react badly.

Any chance there is open enrollment where you live? We have that here and kids can often apply to stay in the district they’ve been in. Also, you could purposely seek a rental only in the district they are currently in.

I’ve been through bankruptcy and it was honestly a relief to be out of the debt. If you are done, then you need to take care of you. Your kids will hurt, yes, but they will adjust and be ok. The beginning of any of this is hard on us all, you know? But staying only models the relationship you currently have. I’m guessing you wouldn’t want this kind of relationship for them.

I’m sorry that you have to make such a hard decision.

I feel like I need to add that my wife is a SAHM which adds more to the financial complication. Our school district does not offer any type of open enrollment or voucher program. This is the school that my kids have attended since kindergarten and some of their classmates were in preschool together.

So - your kids are in middle school and your WW is a SAHM? Or do you still have younger kids? or kids with special needs?

Have you considered that she may need to get a job? There are plenty of part time jobs available, that would allow a parent to be home by 3pm or so.

I know this is not a very popular opinion, but it seems to me that if a stay at home parent has time to have an A, they have time to find a J-O-B.

ETA: And I agree that if moving out of district is likely if you were to S/D, I'd be trying to figure out how to do it sooner vs later - IOW, I agree that it's better for kids to start a new high school before they start high school than transferring midway.

I don't know that I am one to talk on this front, given that I am rapidly approaching the 2yr mark with a WH whose head is still pretty far up his colon, but I think it would be REALLY effing hard to "make do" for five years if what you really want is to S/D. Add to that your other comments that seem to say that money (losing family home & school districts) is the main (or only?) reason you are not S/D - when she's not working? I'd have a hard time swallowing that.

There are folks who "stay for the kids" and you'll probably get more responses by posting in the reconciliation or general forums

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:27 PM, December 26th, 2019 (Thursday)]

I stayed because of financial strains and kids still in school. It’s been 5 years since I found out. WH lost his bonus about a year ago, then his job 2 months ago. So while I stayed due to finances, we can no longer pay most of our bills. It looks like we will lose it all, even tho I stayed a little longer.

Certainly your WW can find a job. I was also a SAHM. I watched YouTube after YouTube video to catch up on technology. My daughter was still in middle school and needed a ride home from school and to her activities. I applied to maybe 250 jobs. Finally I found a part time job and that job turned into a full time job. I used my lunch break to pick up my daughter and take her to her activities. If I can do it your WW can do it.

I’m moving in with family in a couple of weeks when my daughter leaves for college. I wish I left sooner.

After DDay 1, I knew we would D. Infidelity is a dealbreaker for me. However, I stuck around to get youngest graduated from high school (she was in middle school). The only reason it was a doable option is because it was not an openly toxic environment for the kids. They didn't know (except oldest DD because she uncovered the first A and told me) and we were not fighting.

Xhole acted like we had rugswept and all was right with the world. That's what he wanted and I let him believe it to keep the peace.

Fast forward four years and oldest DD uncovered another A. I was furious. White hot rage furious. The previous four years had allowed me to emotionally disconnect, without realizing it at the time, and I was done. Went into detective mode to get hard evidence and discovered yet another A previously, with an OC that was one month younger than our youngest. Yeah, his double life our entire marriage came to light.

After confronting him at last OW's house (the best proof he couldn't refute), I kicked him out and proceeded to D quickly.

It was two years short of my self-imposed deadline. Youngest DD ended up graduating a year early so really only a year early from my target in the end. I don't regret staying at all. Youngest DD was not overly disrupted (outside the emotional aspect of learning who her father really was) because I always did the parental heavy lifting anyway.

I must stress that it was only possible because it was not an openly toxic environment for the kids. Had it been otherwise, I would not have subjected them to it. Nor would I have done it if all the kids were middle school or younger. I would have ripped the bandaid off quickly to let them get reestablished before high school so they could start fresh with their new "normal."

Ultimately, only you can decide what to do, but I would think long and hard about it.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:52 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]