SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m encouraged (and I hope you are too) that he seems to be taking some serious steps towards making amends.

They are good signs. A good start. But the test is if it lasts. My H has made permanent changes (6 years later I can attest they are permanent). No bars and staying out til all hours for work events. If it’s a necessary dinner he leaves by 9 pm. Prior to that he would roll in at 1 am with no call.

I hope things continue to improve. Just know recovery and reconciliation is a long slow process. But you can get there - just have patience.

Maybe I live under a rock but I wonder how much of this "we are a poly couple" is true, and if both spouses are aware that they are in a poly relationship.

To be fair, I knew a couple who had a "hotwife" situation which seems half poly...she had multi partners but he didn't. I guess whatever works. ¯\_(ツ_/¯

MickeyBill- it's only poly if EVERYONE knows and consents.

In addition, lots of people are into hotwifing as a kink, but it is not generally poly. Hotwife couples, like swingers, tend to limit the relationships to sex only without any emotional or romantic connections. The definition of polyamory is multiple ethical romantic relationships. If a relationship is only open for sex and not love, it's not polyamory, it's just ethical nonmonogamy.

tushnurse,

I do think what's changed since the affair is that now I'm more assertive about telling him what I need and am not afraid of setting boundaries. (Afraid might be a bad word choice. it's not like he's ever been abusive or anything. I've just never been good at communicating what I need.)

While I'm not sure that her diary is 100-percent reliable either, I think that if she thought it was a possibility at all that her husband would find her diary, she wouldn't have included anything about the relationship in it. Her falling in love was what her husband was most worried about when they had the "ethical nonmonogamy" talk, so I think she would have been just as wary of owning up to an emotional relationship as a physical one.

We've been working on getting down to the details of what happened, and over the last couple of nights, he's stopped not remembering and started telling me more about what they talked about and when. Progress I suppose.

Thanks for the advice!

HalfTime2017,

I think so, too! The boundaries he's set for himself are probably more strict than I would ever even think to ask for. We'll see how long they last, but if he lets up, I no longer feel iffy about telling him what I need.

The1stWife,

I am encouraged. For the moment, I feel like there's hope, which feels pretty damn good. Everything has been up and down a lot lately, though, so I'm sure it will be shit again before long. But it's at least clear that he wants to try.

Yeah, whether the changes last or not is the test for sure. It's frustrating that there's no time machine I can jump in to make sure it's all worth it down the line. Oh well, I guess that's life.

That's great that your husband committed to permanent change. I'd love to be able to say the same about mine in 6 years.

Patience has never been my strong suit haha. I guess that's something else I'll learn from this stupid experience.

Hi Joanna! Your reply on another post resonated with me and prompted me to find your story. We are on a similar timeline and I think having “recovery buddies” is helpful. Our situations are almost opposite - my H had two brief PA that were never really emotional beyond the “it feels good to get extra attention from these female friends... oops we got drunk and slept together” Also it was totally over for a little more than a year before I found out - that makes it easier in some ways, but hard in others.

I agree with some of what others have said and don’t agree with some of it. I’m suspicious nothing was physical but can understand that a true EA-only happens and the diary thing is a reasonable clue. I demanded STD testing and my H did so without complaint. I also never considered D although after the initial shock I’ve let myself remember that it IS an option. That helped me think more clearly. You last updated here about a month ago so hopefully progress has continued.

He's also deeply hurt by what he did to me and to our marriage as well, and he hates himself for it — so much so that it breaks my heart to see.

I wanted to touch on this because it’s a very similar to my H. And although it’s “good” that they have that “self-hate” (vs no regret, sense of entitlement), him focusing on it much at all is actually a symptom of being selfish... the same selfishness that got us into this mess. I totally relate to hating seeing him hurt. But F that! You will be stuck as long as you give that piece of the mess very much energy. That’s his to work through. This is something my H had a hard time seeing at first. He felt his self-loathing helped me believe he was sorry, but it made things too much about him. In IC and MC he and we are making progress. I printed something for him was helpful I think, for both of us... on the Wayward forum there’s a pined post. I had him read the opening post. A long (but not a book!) entry about what the WS needs to do to help healing. I think it has helped him see this through MY pain, not his own pain. It has helped me understand what I deserve as part of the healing process, and what is normal!

Good luck!!

[This message edited by GTeamReboot at 8:41 AM, February 21st (Friday)]