SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just curious how many of you are divorcing someone who refuses to make any effort to support themselves? I’ve been stuck in the divorce process for over 3 years, single handedly supporting 2 homes, 2 of 4 kids in university at any given time, and arguably some body percentage of a lawyer! My ex has taken the position that she can retire and live off my back for the remainder of her life without making any financial contribution. It’s all part of her entitled mindset, and the court and legal system for the most part accommodates her. Is she a rarity, or fairly typical? I’m honestly struggling with the unfairness of it all, so any hints and tips on how to mentally overcome what is essentially the truck that hit you now reversing over you, would be appreciated. Thanks all!

The "system" here is to pass the buck along to you. That's how it is. I feel you. I felt the same way. How can someone cheat on you, willingly jump on another man b/c they don't want to be with you get to keep being supported by you.......

Trust me, its a tough pill to swallow. Breadwinners get the short end of the stick here. The court system and the states don't want you passing that loser back to them, so its better for you to take that financial hit. Ive thought of and have spoken with my attorney about this, and maybe some day someone who has the resources and time can take that issue up and change the system. Most families have 2 working parents now, but the way it was set up in the past it was way different. We're due for a change. Maybe now that more ladies are working and have higher paying jobs they'll agree to cut this crap out b/c they will be on the short end of the stick at some point.

Its unfair dude, but not a thing you can do about it. Best bet for you is to wrap up the D ASAP, get her on a lower payment and live your life. She can only take your income if you're working. IF you're retired, she is SOL. You hear me?

Oh, and if you have kids in college, I'd stop paying for it. Tell them that they can take out a loan, and both you and the ex can help pay it off. YOu shouldn't take on the entire cost of college. I'm gonna tell my kids the same thing.

Your ex, if she gets remarried or lives with her AP, you're off the hook in most states. So encourage her to have that relationship.

It does seem patently unfair when it’s the stay at home spouse who cheats.

But from the other side, I’m the BS and I stayed home with the kids, followed him every 2 years in a move, had zero chance to build a career or network or community...then found out he cheated (again) with hookers (again). And thank god the courts recognize his retirement IS half mine as I made his career possible with a family. I gave up my whole life, 23 years, for a liar and cheat who hid who he really was. I’ll be damned if I’m left destitute too!

What is needed is fault divorce as an option in every state. And adultery as a mitigating circumstance. I mean, marriage is a monogamous contract, and the contract was broken, repercussions should ensue. I don’t give a shit if lots of people are doing it- perhaps if it was all fault divorces possible some would not! It should definitely affect spousal support and custody decisions.

Your wife should be embarrassed and ashamed.

any hints and tips on how to mentally overcome what is essentially the truck that hit you now reversing over you

When we D, I took the mindset the I was willing to lose everything but my kids if I had to. If I had to walk away from the house (which was my families), etc. and start all over I would just to start my NB.

I found this mindset served me well during the process.

As for your ex, what was it like during the M? IE, are you saying she worked the entire time and just quit now? Or was she always mostly a stay at home partner, etc? That would give you a clear idea of her entitlement (fair or not) for the D.

Again......sometimes it is a small price to pay for what you will gain. Hang in there!

Oh, yeah...my ex was like that.

Would barely hold a job for more than a few weeks. Basically expected to get alimony/support from me to live on.

Well...Thank goodness North Carolina law is if you can prove infidelity, then no alimony. On top of that, I demonstrated she could get a job and that her not having a job was her fault, not because she was a SAHM.

In the end, I had to pay no alimony, and child support was based on her earning $40k/yr.

I came out alright. But we do hear an awful lot about ex's who don't do shit. You're right, it's the entitlement mentality at work.

The court system and the states don't want you passing that loser back to them,

This is exactly why the system works the way it does and likely won't change.

The state (ie, courts) don't want the ex to become a burden on the state - through welfare, food stamps, etc. - so the breadwinner gets it in the shorts.

I know someone who was in the same situation, the judge finally had to come down and give a ruling that the XH had to pay her for so many years to get a degree or find a job that paid her enough to live how she was accustomed. In my friends case, this was 4 years since she had 2 years of college already. After that she was on her own.

Could you look into something along that line?

Oh yeah. My WH had a part time job at Dday. He actually thought that I'd move out, continue to pay all the bills on the house, he'd get to keep the income from the rental unit and only work part time to take care of the kids because that was our agreement. And he'd get the kids during the day, when two of the three were in school, but I'd take care of them every night.

He was not too pleased when I filed for child support. He actually argued in front of a mediator that he didn't have to work full-time or even at all because that's what we agreed to when I became pregnant with our first child. The mediator told him things change. I was thinking I'm pretty sure our agreement didn't include him bringing his side piece in the house every day.

So now he's living with his mother three states away, has no job because he quit his and posts passive aggressive memes on social media about how evil women are that keep the father from his children. And he won't sign a divorce settlement because it's all a trap to screw him over. I'm in year two of the divorce process and I hope it's over soon.

As HalfTime2017 said, the breadwinner is taken to the cleaners in many states. Also as MamaDragon said, you can get a final disposition that limits the years you're required to support the ex. Getting to that final disposition is your lawyer's job. If they aren't pushing for resolution then they too are using you as a cash cow. Three years is way to long for this to have carried on regardless of where your from. Somebody's not doing their job.

I will add that that whole the wife/husband had become "ACCUSTOM" to this lifestyle is a whole bunch of horseshit. No way in Hell should they be able to keep this lifestyle IF they choose to end this lifestyle.

My WW chose to jump on another mans dick. That means lifestyle for her ends. He should support her. She chose to end this lifestyle, so she shouldn't receive continued support.

I mean, I was accustomed to a lifestyle of sex 2 times a week. Judge, are you going to fucken permit me to keep my lifestyle? Are you going to make her suck my dick at least once a week, b/c thats what I've become accustomed to during our marriage!!!! How about that?

Same thing for child support! I want to support my children and I do, but guess what. When you have to support 2 homes, that drastically changes your finances. Theres no fucking way you can live that lifestyle when you have an extra set of rents to pay, and all that nonsense.

My ex went out of her way to rent a $5k a month house b/c she said the kids deserved it, and that she should be able to live in a house similar to our marital home (which I kept), with a pool and all the trappings. But shit, the lifestyle before did not include that extra $5k in rent, or all that other stuff that comes with having two households, two sets of bills, groceries......

At the end of the day, you calculate your losses and just bite the bullet. Certainly not fun, and will set you back for retirement, but at the end of the day, you'll have earning power. You are a better catch and you will survive and hopefully thrive. Life Evenkeel said, just chalk that number down as a write-off and move on. I wish my situation was more like WornDown's, but not every state has infidelity laws, but they definitely should. In this case, Money will buy your freedom.

My Wxh quit his job to be self employed while we were married. He had an affair with one of our employees, so I told him that he needed to get a job - he refused. 2 years later, I filed for D and all he wanted in the D was the business.

I gave him that and kept the marital home and my retirement. Not too long after that, his business went under and he was forced to get a job.

I'm so thankful that we didn't have kids or I would be paying support. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

I agree that "no-fault" shouldn't apply to infidelity.

I was lucky that my XWW had a bachelor's degree and didn't pursue alimony.

Her new baby daddy i'm sure was disappointed by that and would have loved some more income. Their kids are now 3 years old and aren't married yet.

It seems that your WW is in the minority, but I would bet it's about 60-40, the 40% being the losers who don't want to have to support themselves.

My suggestion for dealing with the unfairness is to focus on your future. Yes, you have to pay a price to cut this dead weight, but you have a bright future ahead of you. If you win the lottery next week, you won't have to split that with her!

Thanks everyone for your feedback. To answer a few questions/comments:

- Yes, she was a stay at home Mom. We had 2 additional children at her request though on the understanding she would rejoin the workforce when all children were in full time school. She reneged on that commitment with multiple excuses. Our youngest is in high school.

- Divorce process is taking an eternity because of a number of factors. Court orders seem to be worthless in Family Court. I do have a good lawyer but nonetheless it’s proving to be a real challenge.

- Kids taking out college loans. Yeah, that’s not going to happen! My responsibility as a parent is to ensure my kids have a roof over their head, food on the table, a safe and secure environment, and a good education. I’m not going to compromise my responsibilities to them because their mother decided she would rather spend her time with someone else’s husband. I’ll work at least until they’re all through University and can fend for themselves.

But why isn’t she expected to share those same responsibilities? Ok fine, she decided some other guy was preferable, and yes she can’t likely earn a huge amount but surely she should have some obligation to supporting our kids. It seems the court disagrees, she can do whatever she wants, mine is solely the obligation, yet if I were to renege then ultimately I could face jail.

It’s a system that does more than just put all financial burden on the bread winner, it also puts all legal obligation on only the breadwinner.

I'm a SAHM so clearly that colors things, but I'm glad that courts protect people who lost career momentum and earning potential through staying home. It bothers me when people imply that SAHPs shouldn't cheat because they're biting the hand that feeds them. You shouldn't cheat because you are a healthy person who loves yourself and lives your best life. If your family structure included one of you taking care of the kids, that was a choice that both of you made together. The one earning the income isn't entitled to more fidelity than the SAHP. And of course, they're not entitled to less either.

Now of course, are there SAHPs who cheat and who milk the system for all its worth? Of course. It's just not the staying home that makes the cheating egregious. Cheating stinks because it stinks.

It's a bitter pill, but in some states it's what you're stuck with. My Ex was a SAHM and I understood I would need to support her and I was okay with that, but expecting her to be fair was a fantasy.

Once her affair came out I told her she needed to look for a job a job, she always had an excuse why she couldn't get one. Once we started down the divorce path she actually went and found a Dr. that said she was disabled and could not work. This was to not be imputed at minimum wage for the child support calculation. Fine if you are disabled then you need to get disability. She chose minimum wage even though she could easily make 40-50k given her education.

We had agreed that once my youngest graduated from college I would retire. I have a very demanding job and we had the finances to make this happen. Her being a SAHM was not forgotten in the divorce, but my early retirement was. This is basically an extra 15 years of working. Okay this really sucks and I'll likely die at my job, but thankfully I'm very good at it and enjoy it most of the time.

So with all this I knew she would bleed me for the rest of my life, even after retirement, yes, allowed in my state, so I gave her the majority of our savings which basically equates to half of everything I have or will make. Not having to write a check every month is worth something.

One of her responses after all this was "I didn't need all the money. I did it to punish you." How special that was! She also likes to say "You make six figures and I make nothing." Of course the money she received represents around 50K a year in support and it's documented that way as part of the child support agreement.

At this point I assume the average person would be pissed, but it gets better and to be honest this is the only part that really pisses me off.

I had set aside about 100K per child for college or if they had scholarships, etc. they could use it for weddings, house down payments, etc. Because of how this was setup I am still required to provide child support since they are children attending school. I don't mind supporting my kids, but the next part is what pisses me off.

My Ex has convinced the kids I provide her with no support, that little half truth, and consequently that she does not owe them any support. She actually makes them pay her for many things that a typical parent would pay for. So much of what I send/sent them every month actually ends up in her pocket. She's a multi-millionaire and she refuses to support her children.

I've tried to find ways to tell the children without putting them in the middle, but something as simple as saying "they may not know the whole story" results in a "Dad don't put me in the middle." At this point I have given up. Her actions and lies are unbelievable, but they no longer have any direct impact on me. It just saddens me she won't support our children!