SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

everytime you make the wrong choice it stays with you, haunts you, breaks you a little more

So very true.....

Starlit needs to grasp that she has been a cheater and carrying on a affair. She broke her wedding vows. Her family may have an issue with that if they are religious. That is a lot of shit sandwich right there.

Starlit, you are in the affair fog. This BF sounds unstable to me. He wants to inflict pain on your BH. That is sick.

He wants you to do it publicly ON VALENTINES DAY. THAT IS MEAN.

Honestly, I would tell you BH at home. I would be honest, tell him everything.

Yes you could lose them both but really this bf scares me. he's controlling and manipulative.

I called my stbxbf (I know, make up your mind Starlit, ex or not??) and told HIM the truth first. That I was petrified to say yes, felt I couldn't, I was afraid he was going to leave me humiliated too. And for the matter, I don't think I agree with him that my (stbx?) husband brought this on himself by not treating me well enough.

He said that I still lacked confidence and that he'd make sure everyone knew I was his queen before, during, and well after the confession. He said, to prove it, he was going to keep me informed about every part of "our celebration", from where he wants me to meet my husband to the dress he wants me to change into after to the clubs he's planing on taking me to... all these long, elaborate descriptions and pictures of stuff he's bought me. Usually he waits to show me just how ridiculously over-the-top he wants to be until the 13th/14th. Now he's starting at the beginning of the month.

I still haven't said no. It always goes, "Oh, by the way, I think we need to talk..."

"YES! ME TOO! Let's talk. Did you want the cake to be filled with champagne or raspberry filling? (or some equally arbitrary question that purposefully shows off yet another thing he's doing for me)

And I say, "Uhhhh... Raspberry?"

I've gotta try harder to build up the courage to end it.

Please read the statements above about the nature of these requests and recognize that this is a TERRIBLE way to treat your husband. I know, we’re sitting here telling you what’s terrible but it shouldn’t be hard to imagine how it would feel to have someone you have devoted close to a decade to to willingly humiliate you.

No matter how you feel about your husband this other person has NO RIGHT to make such terrible decisions on his behalf- Nor do you.

Your BF sounds like an insecure, controlling nut! I would run from him, divorce your husband and start over while you're still young. Easy for me to say sure, but this guy sounds like a male bunny boiler (if that's a thing). Damn. Good luck to you.

I get it, it's horrible, what I'm planning to dump on my husband, but I'm actually scared that if I tell him early, my bf will be upset that I "ruined valentines day" and then I won't have anyone.

Champagne or Raspberry filling?

Fuck that prissy stuff, how about "I am going to make the whole world know what a sleazy bitch you were by fucking me while you were married, and how do you like those 'I love you' letters and tit and pussy shots, and that video of us fucking is real good, don't you agree Mr. StarlitFalls? What, you had no idea I was fucking your wife and making her orgasm every time we met?

And so you leave your BH. You think this AP is going to treat you 'like the goddess that you are'? That you will be the unicorn affair partner?

This AP is toxic. He is going to blow up everything on you.

You need to come clean with your BH now. No holds barred. Tell him the truth. If you plan to leave or want to try to stay, but be honest.

Get some sleep tonight. It will be a hard while for you.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 5:11 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

BTW - He is not your BF. He is your AFFAIR PARTNER

Now go and tell your HUSBAND about what YOU'VE done to him.

Then leave on your own terms.

my bf will be upset that I "ruined valentines day" and then I won't have anyone

That is some fucked up shit right there.

In that case let's not deny the affair partner the pleasure of totally ruining your husbands life by just being a total asshole to him and exposing that you love your affair partner more than him. Yes you will be made to look like shit too, but that is OK so long as our amazing affair partner has his moment of gloating.

I know you are planning to tell BH, but sorry - I am being a bit lopsided, you really need a 2x4 over the head to knock some sense into you.

Stay away from AP. No good will come from him.

Please recognize 2x4 is a figure of speech, since you’re new here. No one is saying you should be beaten.

I understand.

Sorry, I need to vent more.

I wish exbf would stop asking me about the party. I wish even less he'd stop asking me what's wrong, why I don't seem exited about my "grand debut as his official promised girlfriend" and I'm just overwhelmed with something between deep, deep sadness and longing and anger. I'm listening to "It's over, isn't it?" on youtube and crying. It's over. Now to tell said stbxbf...

I don't care about a bouquet to match my dress, I don't care about jewel toned matching slipcovers, I don't care about the all-violin quartet you found because I used to play violin, I don't care whether you sing "our song" after your speech, and I don't care whether my "promise ring" is diamond or my fucking birthstone!

Okay, I do care. I care a lot. I want this romantic moment... all just to ask me to be his girlfriend!! God, can you imagine what my PROPOSAL or WEDDING with this man would have to look like?! He'd have to book Buckingham Palace to top what he's already planning here. But I can't wan't this. I'm not supposed to, allowed to want this. And I certainly don't want a videographer to be there when my life potentially falls apart... Please, [AP] please take me seriously when I say NO VIDEOGRAPHERS!!

When YOUR life falls apart?!?!?

This has to be a troll post, right?

Is your boy toy, because that's what he basically is if that's all you care about, Christian Grey?

Are you more worried that once you become his official girlfriend then all of this ritzy shit will stop?

Honestly, are you thinking about your husband at all? Are you thinking about what he's about to feel? What he's about to think? Are you thinking about how you are about to blow up his life?

Febuary 15th I'll be broken up with the STBXBF and probably my husband too, but I have to do this on V-day. I have to play the part just like he wants or I won't get to tell everything from my perspective; stbxbf will get there first. Any sooner, and STBH would notice the fallout and sabotage it.

I can't fucking believe this. I'm carrying this huge dark secret for almost 2 weeks and no one can know. And I have to pretend it'll be the best night of my life...

unless I somehow got it in me to breakup before V-day... ugh...

And yes. I'm going to be twice as hurt. Or one and a half times, anyway. I'm losing two men; he's losing one woman.

[This message edited by StarlitFalls at 6:49 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

You’ve been carrying this secret way longer than 2 weeks. You’ve been carrying this since the moment you started your affair.

“Good men” don’t pursue married women. “Good men” don’t blackmail the woman they “love” into being with them. Your affair partner is trash. So are you (all waywards are, in this frame of mind.)

Do the right thing. Tell your husband. Let him have control of his life and choices. If that means leaving you, so be it. He doesn’t deserve to suffer because you were selfish and unfaithful. He will already suffer enough.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 7:08 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Honestly I'm struggling to believe this is a genuine post and not just attention seeking trolling....however giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Your AP can't "blow it up" or stop you from "telling your side " if you tell your husband. Why wait two weeks? Sit him down, tale a deep breath and say "I have something you need to know"

If this is true then things only get worse from here every moment you don't speak out.

Plus, "ruining Valentine's"!!! You've ruined the last three years of your husbands life, you be ruined his view of love, marriage and human decency, you be ruined his ability to trust others, you've destroyed his self belief and he doesn't even know you've done it yet, but yeah let's worry about ruining Valentine's for the guy who's morals are so low that he will blackmail someone just to watch their husbands world burn.

Tell your husband the truth, accept your AP is a piece of shit, and get some serious counselling to deal with the fact you seem to derive your self worth from the affection of others.

Your AP is a narcissistic asshat who derives pleasure from manipulating others and positioning himself as "better" and before you dismiss that analysis of your Prince charming, consider you're on a forum of people who have had affairs, then ask me how I know what type of man he is.

A few moments ago, I noticed it said my post was edited for inapropriate content and I read and reread what I'd written on keep last night, trying to see where the inappropraite redacted parts were, thinking that Staff had removed the sexual parts of my story, which if they were to do that I would completely understand.

But they edited out the end paragraph where I was telling my stbxbf that I loved him but I had to leave. Like, THAT, the feelings, not the details of the illicit sex, is what's inappropriate content here. LOL!

I find it hilarious. Far be it from me to argue, don't take this as arguing; I'm not. Your rules are your rules and I'll abstain from writing open letters to stbxbf. But I'm sorry, I'm still a little tipsy from the two long island iced teas I had at lunch so this funny to me, the mushy part is worse than the sex here.

Like, I'm really really sorry if I'm not being serious enough, but I guess levity and humor is one of my ways of coping with unpleasant feelings, just finding the humor in little things.

Meanwhile, ugh, I guess ex-bf couldn't make things worse than they already are if I told H ASAP, right? I mean, could he? What are the ways in which telling him "early" could go WRONG? I need to know all the possible outcomes before I do something so rash. Would the fallout be worse if I left it until V-day, or less worse? Because then my stbx-es would already know about the affair, so when one confronted the other they might get in an altercation... Do I tell ex-BF the entire date is off? I've never done that on Valentines Day. He turns into a soppy sad melodramatic puddle when I cancel a date on a normal Friday night. I just want this to go as smoothly as possible for EVERYONE.

[This message edited by StarlitFalls at 8:33 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

[This message edited by StarlitFalls at 2:33 AM, Tuesday, February 4th]

Ok- Please explain the resolution you’d like here.

If you’re venting you need to understand the audience you’re venting to. We’re people who are here to help others avoid the same mistakes we’ve made.

We’re here telling you that the terror of cheating is what it does to the betrayed partner. Our damage is secondary.

I believe there’s any number of other websites that will gladly tell you what you want to hear- That lying, cheating, and stealing is an inevitable part of living in the world. We work to refute that here, EVERY DAY.

So tell us, what would you like from posting here?

I'm a madhatter so I'm both a WS and a BS. Honestly any D-Day is traumatic for a BS and to do it on a holiday like Valentine's Day I think would be awful. I would do it before. I know it's scary but it's better not to have all of this weighing you down until then. I also think your AP is highly manipulative possibly a narcissist as it sounds like he is love bombing you into submission.

To get a head start and understanding of the trauma you have cause your spouse I suggest reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" Also "Not Just Friends."

Practicing and current WS's and OP's will be warned only once that they are not to post here. Violation of that warning will result in the banning of your profile and IP address. We trust that everyone will be able to follow our guidelines. If there is a particular problem you have with this, please bring it to our attention.

STAFF ACTIONS: If you have a question regarding a staff action bring it to our attention by using the Private Message feature. Do not question staff actions on the public forums.

StarlitFalls will not be returning to this thread.