SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Backstory, married since 2012 at age 19. I'm now 26, and I've had a steady side bf since I was 23. Since day 1 my boyfriend has been a flatterer, going way way over-the-top in his romantic gestures. It couldn't ever be a simple, discreet dinner out; once he arranged for a helicopter to take us from the restaurant and give us a tour of the city before we went to the hotel and it was so sweet but I nearly died of embarrassment, because of course I didn't want to be found out. I made a rule that he could never mail anything to my house so on my birthday, valentine's day, Christmas, easter, etc, he sends a gift basket AND flowers and anything he can possibly dream up to my work. My co-workers believe I have the most romantic husband ever. HA!

It was always something just that little bit too thrilling, too close, too personal. Our first fight was about, I'm sorry, his manhood versus my husband's. He all but begged me to tell him he was a better lover than my husband. When I told him I didn't want to talk about my marriage he took it to mean that I didn't want him, that I was "choosing" my husband. He started trash-talking my husband in bed and constantly talked about how he would win me over. occasionally he would ask me to say humiliating things about my husband while we were having sex saying he couldn't get off unless he knew I loved him more.

The gifts became lavishly expensive. Every date took a week or more in advance to plan. He'd request I wear formal attire, or announce that he had a huge surprise for me with no other context. I was terrified, and kind of titillated that he was going to propose or something every single time we went out together because he always did something I wasn't expecting.

He started upping the stakes and wanting me to go on long overseas vacations with him. I was only able to go on a couple of the very shortest trips he planned, because anything else would find us out, which seems more and more like exactly what he wanted. He would sulk and pout and cry for days when I refused a date and tell me that his heart was broken forever and he would never recover from the pain I caused him. I told myself it was annoying and getting dangerous and scary but the truth was this was attractive to me. The whole thing made me feel incredibly coveted and loved.

Yesterday on February 1st my boyfriend told me that he was going to tell me exactly what he was going to do for me for Valentine's Day which has never happened before. Usually he goes well out of his way to be completely hush-hush about it until the day (or the day before) arrives and I'm treated like the Queen of Sheba. Well he told me what he's planning. He's not going to beg me to stay with him instead of my husband... because he to set me up on what looks like a normal date with my husband and he wants me to confess to the affair in graphic detail, with him somewhere in the background watching, until he comes to pick me up and we literally drive off into the sunset and live happily ever after.

No. Just, no. That is not happening. I told him that's way too scary. He said he's been trying to win my heart for three years and he's running out of ideas, and he needed me to prove my love to him, "just once, after all the times I've proven it to you." I told him he's ruining my life and I don't understand why he thinks ruining my life in public is a grand romantic gesture. He said, "Starlight, I would never hurt you. We're ruining HIS life, not yours." Um what?

He said that as soon as I told my husband everything he would swoop in and get down on one knee and asked if I would be his official girlfriend instead of his mistress. Ring and everything. That's when I got angry and told him I didn't want his f****** ring, I had one. He said he knew I wasn't truly happy or else I wouldn't enjoy my time with him so much.

The thing is, he was right. He's still right. I love the way he would lavish gifts on me, and compliments, and the man could even dance, it was like a fairytale! I can't picture life without him but I can't believe he gave me such a huge and absolutely petrifying ultimatum. The truth is I don't love my husband the way I love him, maybe I never did to begin with, and my life will be so empty without my wonderful bf, but he seems to relish in the idea of exposing me and I hate that and I want to know why!

Now my boyfriend is sending me sad texts involving pictures of him masturbating and crying, saying that if I don't text him back right now he's going to burn the book of love poetry he started writing for me 3 years ago "because clearly all my words meant nothing to you." I know if I answer he's going to want to talk and I don't want to talk because if I talk I'll say yes. I'll say yes I can feel the warmth of your love shining down on me like the f****** sun and I want that for the rest of my life but I'm scared that the minute I publicly announce myself as your conquest you'll leave! I'd rather leave you myself than face that kind of grief and humiliation!"

So I'm not saying anything. I'll say it here instead.

Edited due to inappropriate content.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:34 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 12:34 AM, Tuesday, February 4th]

Wow! I was not expecting to read any of that. What exactly are you looking for here?

Your boyfriend is asking to much of you. You're married. Your husband has no idea that you have been having an affair for the last 3 years. You say you don't love your husband, yet you're still married. Your AP wants you all to himself but your afraid for people to find out. Why have you stayed married? Why have you continue to betray your husband for three years? Your life would be so empty without your "wonderful bf"?!?!? You're mad at him because he's asking you to destroy your life. Ummmm, what about your husband's life?

This AP (affair partner) will blow everything up on you before too long.

Best thing you can do is to tell your BH NOW about all your cheating before the AP spins his story to him.

The AP, well he is a piece of shit for even doing any of this to you. No honour there.

You need to grow up and look past all this bullshit romance and realize the type of person you are.

I remember a friend of mine her AP blew everything up on Valentines Day about 7 years ago (in front of her kids too boot). What a shit show that was. Her kids, parents and siblings still don't talk to her to this day.

Time to shit or get off the pot.

Please think for two seconds about what you're about to destroy because you can't handle not having all of me.

Honestly, no one has “all of you.” There’s nothing your AP can destroy, the BOTH of you destroyed it the minute you made the decision to betray. If you’re here to end your affair and confront how you made such terrible life-altering decisions, let’s talk. If you’re here to vent about having to let go of your AP, which is what it sounds like initially, you’ve done so.

Why don’t you tell your husband before your husband has to go through the humiliation and trauma of your AP telling him?

And learn from all the waywards before you, tell the 100% truth, in detail, up front.

Let me try again because I know there’s a lot of tough talk coming your way in the future-

It sounds like you are very confused about your life right now. There’s factors at work that make it hard to see up from down right now- But one of the biggest obstacles you’re facing is still downplaying the fact that you have done something wrong. Every WS on this site has also done wrong. I believe we honestly want you to stop doing wrong and start salvaging an honorable life. But it likely seems scary, and it should.

Regardless, we’re here, and as long as a long few years of work sounds like a good way to improve yourself, you’re welcome to join us for the long haul.

echoing what JBWD said.

I broke things off with my AP. In the 1 week between my breaking things off and trying to build-up the courage to tell my BW, my AP went nuclear on my wife, and of course she distorted the story but her goal was to break my M and win me back.

Always better to tell the truth instead of fucking around with several peoples lives and minds.

I was going to post about how there's No Way AT ALL I could tell him, but the idea of my exbf getting there first with the goal to win me back sounds absolutely like something he would do... my BF doesn't know I've decided to break up with him. I'm giving him the silent treatment because I don't know how I could say it without making him do anything or everything I'm afraid he'll do. Like telling my husband I actually said all the things about his sexuality that he wanted me to say. I don't love my husband. I need him for stability. I loved him once, but there's only room for one person in my heart. Why the hell can he not understand that? Why can't that be enough?

But I am afraid I'm going to lose them both, no matter if I say yes or no to my bf's proposition. If I say yes, what if he leaves me hanging, now without both of them? If I say no, what if he tells my husband?

Starlit,

Welcome to the waywards club. Yes it sucks.

I can tell you that the stability vs. love this is so typical of being wrapped up in an affair.

The AP is a POS no matter how you cut it.

You aren't in love with AP. You are in love with the ego kibbles he's been feeding you. That has sweet fuck all to do with real life and you know it - hence the stability comment.

Regardless of whether your BH is the worst asshole on the planet, or the sweetest guy, you owe it to him to tell him the truth first.

He may tell you to leave, or he may want to work things out. Either way you have a lot of soul searching to do to fix yourself.

I have no choice then; I have to tell my husband everything. I just called my BF back and to say "Yes, I'll tell him. About every moment of the affair." He was ecstatic.

I couldn't bring myself to break up over the phone. The most I could tell him was that I wanted to take my own car home that night instead of going on our date. He asked why, he knew I wasn't starting my period until around the 20th (!) and why else would a woman PLAN to miss a date? Seriously, he's so observant. Or maybe my H is just completely oblivious and normal relationships are like this and I'm missing out on tickets to the ballet 5 times a year and whole penthouse suites booked to celebrate MENSIVERSARIES (that's what he calls the 16th of every month, the date we got together.) I just kinda hung up. He keeps calling. And calling. And texting. 6 calls, 20+ texts in 10 minutes.

What am I DOING?!! WHY?! I don't know why I'm doing anything anymore. I'm drunk at noonish. We're gonna say that's why.

[This message edited by StarlitFalls at 1:08 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

I am afraid I'm going to lose them both, no matter if I say yes or no to my bf's proposition.

You already lost your BH- That’s what I was trying to tell you before. You’ve been lying to him for years. That’s not the basis of a marriage or any loving partnership. So why are you still in the marriage?

I don't love my husband. I need him for stability.

Not a good enough reason. I’m sorry. What you are hopefully going to start to learn is that you’re using people. You used your AP (please stop calling him a BF!) to make you feel better about something, while using your BH for “stability.”

Own your decisions. Face what you’ve done and honor the others you’ve used for selfish gains in your life. Would you rather know that you continued stealing from your BH or that, when confronted with the flaming wreckage you tossed his way, you at least owned it and took it on yourself to move forward with honor and conviction?

Starlit,

I feel for you.

It can be the scariest and hardest thing to have to say "Honey, I had an affair...."

Out of curiosity, the AP, is he your age or older. Just the whole extravagant trips and dates thing is a bit over the top. He knows he is trying to break up a marriage....that takes a special kind of asshole. My AP, she was one of those. Took me a few years to really understand that.

My AP is 10 years older than me, almost exactly. Our birthdays are in the same month.

Well him being older makes sense, not too many 20 somethings have the extra cash to burn.

Take away the fairy tale romance BS and the AP sounds kind of like a controlling type, and I hate saying it, but from how you describe things, almost like he was treating you like a high paid escort to fulfill his fantasies. Think about that. And no I am not trying to insult you.

Anyway, I'm not trying to sway you. Just sharing some hard earned experience.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 2:13 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Are you anxious at all to tell your husband? Are you worried or scared? Are you more worried about telling your AP that it's over than telling your husband that you've been having an affair for 3 years?

I'm TERRIFIED. There's no way I'm letting him get there first and tell my husband. NO. WAY. No matter whom I end up choosing, I want to be the one to tell my story.

That's why I'm complying with the BF's request to do this on Valentine's Day at a local chain restaurant... After which, he said, I may choose to go home, alone, and cry while my marriage is falling apart, while he cries because he's lovelorn on Valentine's Day... or go back to the vacation house with him, where he would have a roaring fire and chocolate flavored wine and a rose petal Jacuzzi soak waiting for me...

ETA: His Text: "We can have three people unhappy, my love, or we can have one person unhappy, one person who deserves to be punished for the crime of treating a beautiful lady such as yourself as anything less than a goddess. I'm sure I'll see you soon ma plus cher."

Ugh. I hate (and also love) the way he talks like this and makes me think of him. Stupid handsome bastard.

I CANNOT want this. I CAN'T. STOP IT. Stop wanting him!

I took the day off work because fuck it. Stomach flu, whatever. I cannot today. There is not enough rosé on the planet.

[This message edited by StarlitFalls at 2:41 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

No matter whom I end up choosing

What? Are you some 16 year old girl trying to decide on the prom?

You married your BH at 19. Why? Kid on the way?

Now at 26 you found the love of your life in the form of a guy who thinks nothing of breaking up a family, and plays you like a fiddle with his sob stories to get you to do what he wants.

You sound a lot stronger than that to me.

Yes terrified is a good way to describe it.

Don't wait till Valentines. If I'm your AP I am already getting the nukes ready to go off. He will destroy your BH with glee. And he will make it sound like he is doing it because of your professed love for him.

Tell your BH. Then send a NC (No Contact) text to your AP in front of your BH. Shut down all social media and deal with stuff.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 2:47 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]

My parents insisted because they were extremely religious and caught us in the act. I was not pregnant. Haven't ever been, in fact.

No matter whom I end up choosing, I want to be the one to tell my story.

Why? What’s your version? What’s your BH’s version? What’s AP’s version?

...one person who deserves to be punished

Do you believe this? Does the AP have the right to punish your husband?

The first thing you need to understand is you do not have a choice here.

Your husband is living a lie, it's his choice. First come clean and let him choose the next move, if he wants to try to recover what's left of your marriage then maybe you have a choice about whether you want that as well.

One extra thought.

If you "choose" the other guy, I suspect it'll be a very short amount of time before you realise he doesn't want you, he's getting off on being "better" than your husband, beong so iressitable that you'll debase yourself to be with him.

Honestly, you don't get a choice between them, your only choice here is whether you can choose yourself.

You can choose to do the right thing, no matter how much it terrifies you or hurts, or you can choose the lie and the easy option and spend the rest of your life dealing with the consequences (and believe me, from someone who knows, everytime you make the wrong choice it stays with you, haunts you, breaks you a little more)

Tell your husband the whole truth. Then you can start making choices.