SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No hard feelings but what was my question in the last post? I think I've asked mfb10 a question, nice that somebody replied what I need to do in order to send somebody PM but I really haven't asked for anything else. I have no attention of justifying myself to anybody, cause it's my life, I'm making decisions. And I concider myself smart enough to see that if I don't want to have only 2 options :leave or tolerate cybersex behavior then I have to do something about it, and start is always where? trying to understand, trying to find a solution to a problem,and I'm sorry but only mfb10 had or still have this addiction so.... Angery mothers and divorce husbands or wife are not really here to help. We are all here cause we have an interest, some to pour our souls out and feel a bit relieved cause others have been in a similar situation, some to get their anger out, some to I don't know find out how to catch their partner in cheating.... I'm here cause I've put already sadness and anger a side and I'm willing to help, cause helping him I'm helping myself also on the way. I don't know will I stay with my fiance in the future or not, but I know one thing, at the end I'll learn something new, about myself or my fiance or this addiction. But if I just simple leave I'll end up wondering if I could have helped him, and I'll probably spend years on therapy, or end up angy, with smile on my face but a thought in my head I hate all men. If I tolerate this behavior well, I'll end up the same way. I'm going that other way, he's taking therapy, and me, trying to find more people like mfb10, to understand what are the solutions to this problem, to see if they are happy, still with their partners, or new partners, what is helping....

Hi Gini,

No problem, Welcome to Denial.

You are free to do what you want to do, and I am sorry that you feel that we aren't being helpful. Just honest.

Go ahead and try and fix him.

We will always be here.

Best of luck.

(to send a pm, go to your profile and search for the users name, click on their name when it appears. If mb can send a private message he can message you. If they can't or you can't you need to post 50 times, i think,.)

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 5:10 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

Angery mothers and divorce husbands or wife are not really here to help.

Wow. So you are judging an entire group of people, because they're giving you advice you don't want to hear.

This is THE BEST website for helping a BS heal from infidelity.

Is your boyfriend here? Is he asking for help?

Has he been diagnosed by a certified CSAT? Because until he is, he is simply a cheater who has found an excuse.

If you only want to hear from sex addicts, then go to the ICR forum, and find the thread in which BS can ask WS questions.

Good luck to you.

Mfb..are you a WS?

*Posting as a member *

I’m curious Gini, which replies sounded “angry” to you? I read through each one carefully and no one sounded angry until you dismissed them and accused them of not trying to be helpful.

So I am wondering which ones didn’t sound supportive? The ones suggesting you check out the Sex Addict thread in the “I Can Relate” forum? You’ll be able to read about the experience of other women who have survived being in your shoes, and see what life married to a sex addict is like. Seems like sound advice to me. You can find that thread here:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=639840

The replies suggesting you were smart to recognize certain key truths early, did you find them angry? That reply recognized and acknowledged your strengths that will help you through this. Affirmation isn’t anger, it’s support. It’s meant to be helpful.

Was it the replies that suggested you protect yourself and get STD tests? Always good advice. We’ve have members who contracted HIV/AIDS, HPV-related cervical cancer, infertility due to untreated chlamydia, and forever STD, herpes - quite often from partners they loved and believed with all their hearts were not physically cheating. Protect your health. You can love your fiancé and protect yourself at the same time.

Perhaps you found the member who recommended Alanon,

a resource for family members of addicts, the angry one. I’m not sure why that would offend you. Any spouse with an addict mate should seek support through established groups who know how damaging an addict spouse can be to their loved ones. They have the resources to help you and that shouldn’t interfere with your love for your fiancé. Alanon will help you heal, whether you marry your fiancé or not.

I’ve been here on SI for a long time. Sometimes, you will get someone projecting their anger on a thread - and they assume your wayward spouse is like their wayward spouse. I’m not reading such projection here, maybe a wee bit with the “run” advice. Betrayed girlfriends and fiancés almost all hear that advice. They are suggestions. I am happily married to my WH - we’ve been reconciling now for almost 8 years but the first couple of years after my dday I wished I’d never met him. To go back in time and not experience the betrayal and devastation of infidelity? It’s natural to advise members without the entanglement of children, bills, finances, and other legal issues to think twice before saying “I Do”

These members are looking out for you. And I understand they are saying things you don’t want to hear or believe. And that’s okay. You won’t like everything you hear from members. You’ll get a mix of advice and you’ll take what you want and leave the rest. And if later on down the road - should you decide to revisit this thread because your circumstances change or your feelings change, it will still be here for you to read.

But please don’t insult them for trying their best to help you. It’s okay to think they are wrong...right now they are just strangers on the internet. But down the road, these strangers might feel like your best friends because they are the ones that know exactly how scared and confused and hurt you’re feeling.

*Posting as a Moderator*

You and mfb10 will not have private message privileges until you’ve each posted 50 legitimate posts. This is for each of your protection. The majority of new members come to us in vulnerable positions due to the trauma they’ve suffered. It’s important for members to establish their presence on the boards before being allowed to engage in private communication.

Also, check out the healing library. It contains wonderful articles that might be relevant for you. You can find the link in the yellow box above Dr. Phil along the left side of the page.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:58 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]

Gini honey not sure what you are upset about here.

We will always give you realistic advice based on what we know to be truths with all As and wayward behavior.

There are a ton of simairites in wayward behavior and addictive behaviors.

We also see that henisnyour fiance and not your spouse so we are going to advise you to make you your number one priority.

We do that because we know that no matter how much this hurts now it is NOTHING compared to the pain that goes with an A when you have children and walking away is not so simple.

The one thing all of is do know is that you can NEVER love someone so much that you can save them from themselves.

What we can do is set firm healthy boundaries and stock to them in the hopes that our partners will wake up and see what they are losing. If you have never had to deal with addiction it doesn't make sense and certainly doesn't align with what your instincts tell you. As the child of an alcoholic I can tell you o have never been more healthy than when I learned to let go and distance myself from him.

Try reading the healing library and the O can relate forum. You may find answers there that may be softer or meet your needs better.

Lastly we have a saying here take what you need and leave the rest. Meaning of something doesnt fit your situation and you adamantly disagree that is ok. Just ignore it and keep on.

My response on page 1 was neither angry or dismissive or disrespectful.

My suggestion of weighing your options carefully was a helpful suggestion IMO.

Your words are

it is sucking the life out of me

I hope you can possibly see the benefit of a professional counselor for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:09 AM, February 11th (Tuesday)]

OP-

Sex addiction is a strange beast.

You can't predict how it will escalate for your SO.

My husband is 44, and his addiction (has not yet) escalated to physical cheating. "Just" porn and compulsive masturbation.

(I say just in jest, because he's a recovering sex addict.)

My First DDay was 13 years ago, almost exactly to this date. Since that time, there have been two 3-year stints of sobriety and a 7 year long relapse-which of course was hidden from me.

So, I think I'm confident enough to say that he's doing the work.

But it took him a decade (yes 10 years) after DDay 1 to truly accept that he's an addict.

And it's something I've only been confident in saying for the past 5 months or so...that my husband is doing the work.

I won't advise you to have kids or not. My second kid was conceived right around DDay1. But, I wanted two kids. I was prepared to share them 50% post divorce. I'm not interested in ever being in a relationship again. So, other than IVF with donor sperm, having sex with my husband was the only way to get my second child. I wasn't going to let my husband take that dream away from me, too.

What you need to do is educate yourself. Read all the books. Get yourself to COSA or S-Anon meetings. Get some IC so you figure out why ended with an addict in the first place.

Decide for yourself what you can live with.

I will say that the struggling points for me are not with my husband's specific addictive behaviors...but of what it means to be an addict. I don't want to come in second place to addiction. I don't want to be my husband's second love. I also don't function well with cognitive dissonance. I'm a black and white thinker. I need things in my life to make sense.

Personally, as a betrayed spouse, I would only listen to those who have also been victims of betrayals by our spouses , or in the OP's case , significant other

( other than trained professionals )

Gini, you got some solid advice from those who have been where you are and continue to battle this addiction.

Are we " Angery " sure we are, or were. Some of us have moved past the anger and have either accepted that we cannot " fix " our addicted partners

Also, some sex addicts are addicted to the need to help damsels in distress to make themselves feel better, so I am politely urging you to be cautious

SI is a great resource for support . You may not always like the things you read ..some of it is blunt

Take what you need and leave the rest

If your fiancé does not begin to work on his addiction then you WILL only have 2 options: leave or tolerate his continued acting out.

Sobriety from addiction is a lifelong process. It is a lifetime commitment. In order for the vast majority of addicts to find meaningful sobriety, they must hit "bottom". "Bottom" refers to a time or an event in life that causes an addict to reach the lowest possible point in their disease. It is a time when the person feels like things cannot get worse for them. This is when most of us reach out for help and take it seriously. My husband is an SA. These are the long term actions he takes to stay safe for me - implemented and maintained by HIM, not me.

1. 12 step recovery. 90 meetings in 90 days at first and then ongoing meetings EVERY WEEK.

2. He has a sponsor who he talks to WEEKLY and he works the 12 steps EVERY DAY.

3. He attends counseling EVERY WEEK with a certified sex addictions counselor.

4. He reads suggested literature and takes all suggestions from his sponsor and counselor.

5. He abstains from masturbation (unless I am there) and any porn or stimulating sexual content (my FWH believes these are triggers for him).

6. ALL electronics are open to my perusal, ANY time.

7. He helps other men in crisis, which alleviates the shame.

I am a recovering alcoholic - 21 years sober. We like to say that we get a daily reprieve from our disease. This means that we must continuously commit to a program of recovery...on the daily.

It sounds to me and I think to you that this man is nowhere near ready for a relationship. His promises are addict bullshit. His ACTIONS will tell you whether he is a safe partner for you. I am not saying that addicts do not feel bad and filled with shame in the moment, but these feelings fade as soon as they are off the hot seat and then they are back into the addictive behaviors. If he was really interested in getting sober and maintaining a healthy lifestyle, then you would see the above referenced ACTIONS happening consistently in the LONG TERM. He has figured out that he can engage in his addiction, cry remorse when caught and then go back to his life again. This pattern will not change unless he gets to the point that is unbearable for HIM. I am sorry to say that you are not helping him get to this point if you accept his addict BS and continue to be there for him. He is showing you who he is and you need to take that seriously. You also need to stop believing him. He is continuously lying to you and I would bet that he is lying about the contact he has had with the women he is contacting. Sex addicts are all about stimulation.

My recommendation for you is S-anon. It will help you understand the addiction and what it means for you. There is also a doctor named Patrick Carnes, who has an interview on Youtube which was really helpful for me when I was trying to understand sex addiction.

I believe 12-step recovery, in addition to counseling by someone who understands SA, is the only way to deal with sex addiction. This may or may not work, depending on your husband’s level of commitment. You cannot make this decision for him. He must do it on his own. He must help himself. If he is unwilling to engage in the above referenced steps, R.U.N. All addictions progress. He has not found the bottom yet and the bottom will be really ugly. As you have discovered, life with a using addict is living in awful, unrelenting chaos. You do not need to live your life this way.

Sorry, I was told that I could not post on the thred because I have been an offender and am not allowed to post here. Wish I could help more.

Also, I am sorry but I didn't know about the PM thing and that I could not solicit a PM. I really just want to help you as best as I can but I also do not want to break any rules. If you post in another section, please let me know and I will try to post there.

To clarify, I am not allowed to post in the Just Found Out section.

Have you both sought counseling? That is the best way to get help for your situation, that I can think of. That sounds very difficult. I heard a statistic that 80 % of men have an issue with porn . It is devastating society.