SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know there is a segment in the I can Relate forum about WS leaving for AP - but those stories seem to be about marriages that ended due to exit affairs. I am wondering about marriages that survived an exit affair when the WS came back and the couple wanted to attempt R.

After 30 years of marriage my husband left me for OW - said he had met his soulmate (WTF had I been for the last 30 years?) A few days later we talked - he came over and I agreed to let him come back and work on the marriage.

I've read so many posts where the WS claimed to not wanting divorce - hoping to keep the A a secret- I know the thought of the WS being ok with continuing to lie and cheat is devastating to the BS.

For those of you who have R'd after an exit A - how did you overcome the knowledge that they wanted a D - they wanted to start a new life - thought they had found the love of their life?

Infidelity in any shape and form is devastating - and I certainly don't want to imply that an exit affair is more devastating than other A's - I've just always wondered how common it is to R after an exit A.

We are six years post Dday and we are doing really well - it's just that due to a bizarre coincidence I recently had a rather big trigger that bought the AP back into our lives (no contact on his part) and that's always been the hardest thing about the A for me - he wanted to end the marriage - he was planning a life with her - had a life with her even though it was only a for a short time.

You may not get many replies from anyone dealing with a true "exit" affair, as if that was the case, the Ws has in fact exited. That being said, I am one of those people who post on the spouse left for the AP forum. I may (or may) not be like many poster over there, in that my WS has not officially "left" - instead we still share the same residence and occasionally the same bed (but not in a romantic way). Instead my WH still works with his AP, and still communicates with her, although she has apparently told him recently that she thinks his is a pathological liar and wants "nothing to do with him as a person" (mind you, she is married and has in the past sent me some of the most unbelievably self-centered messages you can ever imagine)

What I can tell you about "exit affairs" from my own personal experience and from reading everything imaginable about affairs is this:

1) Many (if not most) exit affairs, like all the rest, do not start out as being a planned exit

2) Even when the exit seems to be what they a WS wants, when faced with the reality of it actually happening, most and are at least in the moment awash with doubt about their choices, about you, about the AP, about themselves, and

3) the WS is usually a very "in the moment" person who is not interested in really exploring anything too deeply in order to avoid their own shame/anguish/embarassment/personal betrayal about what has happenedthen exiting is the "path of least resistance" in a path where everything seems at least momentarily difficult and they cling to the idea that is what they wanted all along.

My WH and I are not at odds - granted, I too am over 2 years post-dday 1, and we are not at odds largely because I am in the process of moving on. I have lost hope in him and found, for lack of a less cliche statement, that I no longer hope for "us" to work out, but hope for me to work out.

An exit A exacerbates this need to propel yourself forward somehow. your spouse claims to be leaving you because they wanted to go pre-affair. This either means they are a coward, or a liar (to you and to themselves). Most likely, the A is the path of least resistance and simultaneously the most positive affirmation at that time. Who would turn down an A when the AP is telling them they are so wonderful and you the BS are hurt, angry, and trying to hold them accountable? It takes strength to stick around and deal with the mess they have made and face the hurt they have caused. Most don't have that strength...so they say they wanted to leave beforehand, because they is easier for THEM to believe. Yes, there are a few who are just cowards - to scared to say they want out and have to "leave dirty" instead of having the courage to break your heart...but I think most exit affairs are more the WS running AWAY from something than running TO anything.

In that respect, if your WS has that moment of "clarity" to look at their reasons why they want to run away instead of towards you, then they are far more similar than to every other A than you think. If they can manage to stop themselves and not just run, then you are faced with the same old A and aftermath than everyone else on this site has to deal with.

The most likely option, however, isn't an exit A or a total onset of cowardice - but instead is a cake eater...who will just keep stringing you along forever until one of the two just becomes exhausted with the whole thing and moves on or resigns themselves to it. Be thankful if you don't have one of these, as they could be classified as the most difficult to deal with - the limbo and continued lies... The best thing my WH ever did for me was tell me he was done and didn't want to try anymore (which was mid-last year, yet despite his words, he's still "trying" weeks after saying that).

Just know there is nothing you did to deserve this and nothing you can do to make it go away. The best thing you can do is make yourself your number 1 plan and move on with your life...whatever happens, will, indeed, happen.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:25 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

My WH left. His AP was insistent right from the start that she wasn’t to be his ‘mistress’. She was offering herself up on the proviso he left his family. When dday hit he went under those circumstances. They were only a few weeks into the start of their PA and the limerance was at its highest. He loved her, she was his soulmate it was kismet blah blah blah.

He stayed at hers for five weeks, moved to his parents and never went back to live with her, although he did fuck around cake eating for a good few months.

I think my situation looked like an exit affair but in practise was more a cake eating/limerant affair and I suspect your WHs was too.

I pushed for divorce a few times (towards the end of his affair) but he was never forthcoming. He’d nod and agree to terms or timescales but would avoid signing anything.

I have a number of thoughts on it all, fwiw!

I think the timing of Dday and character of his AP meant that his behaviour post dday was more likely to lead to that action. When I see WS who work on their marriage straight away, they’ve often been involved in the affair for a number of months so the limerant side is wearing off, they’re almost ‘ready’ to give up their AP. In fact in some cases it’s almost a relief to the WS that it’s out there. The bubble is/was starting to burst. My WHs stupid fantasy bubble was at its largest.

I know that my WS KNOWS the grass wasn’t greener, so now he’s on the mend (he’s been very mentally ill) he’s actually working really hard to repair his marriage and family. He values it as a direct result of being somewhere else. This is not right, he should have valued it before but he didn’t, he had an affair to prove that. It’s just a fact.

I know a few outcomes of affairs irl but two that stick are two men who had these type of affairs, I’ll call it limerant led leaving, and both ended up living with the AP, went back to their wives and never cheated again. Successful reconciliations can most definitely come from these sorts of affairs.

My WH always believed he was a man of integrity, a good man with a strong moral compass. When he made the choice to begin his affair, I truly believe his cognitive dissonance helped him to raise his ‘love’ for her to truly epic proportions, so that he could leave. The ‘limerant led leaving’ affair he believed he was having, also helped him maintain his sense of self, he was a good man being swept away by love. It was a real shock to him when he started to realise he was just a common cheater. That hit him hard and he became more unwell.

For me, (and I’m still working through all of this in my head) a true exit affair is one where the WS leaves, initiates divorce or quickly signs papers, goes through with divorce and ends up with the AP for a period of time. I’ve know a few of those irl and the WS does not go back. They knew what they wanted, they wanted out. The thinking is very clear and has been months in development.

I’m absolutely sure it WH NEVER felt like that, he simply had no clear thinking. It was instant gratification with no thought on outcome or future.

What is most certain is that it’s an extremely painful affair to heal from, as at the time, they devalued us so much they actually walked out the door, but I try really hard to see that my WH walked back through, is facing himself head on, is facing the anger of our friends and family (no easy task) and is working hard to be a better man. He’s admitting to being wrong, and that takes huge amounts of courage.

We’re still separated but we both hope that I’ll feel safe enough to live together again one day (and trust that he won’t do this to my children and I again) and start a reconciliation process but I do believe we could achieve a successful reconciliation under these circumstances.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:28 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]

I always thought an exit affair was one that happened because the person was already done with the marriage when the affair started. My husband wanted to leave me. “I love you but I’m not in love with you. I think we should separate.”. But the beginning of the affair was not about leaving. In fact he told AP several times that he had a good marriage. So I’m not sure if my husband’s was an exit affair but he tried to exit. Essentially he cake ate for a while but was working his way back to the marriage for about 6 months. I feel I had him fully back in the marriage one year after DDay. Life is great now. I’ll never forget what happened but we are fully aligned now. I’m sorry you are having trouble again. I hope you can work things out.

My H was kicking me to the curb. I heard @i want a D” one too many times.

Until dday2 where he was leaving me for the OW. He was going to be with her. Oops wait again he changed his mind. Begged me to reconsider.

Except this time I told him I was D him b/c he left me no choice. I wasn’t doing this anymore. He was free to go and be with the OW. I no longer cared.

Funny how all of a sudden he no longer get wants a divorce.

Nanatwo,

I get you. My husband left after 40 years of marriage to live with his AP. Their new life together lasted one whole week. We have been in reconciliation for only three months now. Dealing with the idea that he was ready to replace me in every way is very difficult. It wasn't just sex. They were making plans to spend their lives together. Ouch. It sucks that you still feel so much pain after six years in reconciliation.

I feel I had an exit affair as well, but didn’t leave. Much of what was said above was true in my case. I doubt many affairs start out with the intentions to exit. More the person is not as good at compartmentalizing, and they have had to justify harder.

I also told ap I had a good marriage at the beginning. I think I had mismanaged things so badly and was so miserable, I blamed it on my husband and wanted to run away. But it wasn’t my husband it was me not taking responsibility for my own happiness, boundaries, numbing myself instead of listening to myself. I look back and know it wasn’t my marriage I was trying to escape me.

Wow, ThisIsSoLonely, you described WW to a T

I wish she just had a straight up exit affair and was done. It would have been far less damaging. Instead, she came back many times and the last two years has been a slow motion train crash. I wish I was stronger and said no the first (few) time.

I think I had mismanaged things so badly and was so miserable, I blamed it on my husband and wanted to run away. But it wasn’t my husband it was me not taking responsibility for my own happiness, boundaries, numbing myself instead of listening to myself. I look back and know it wasn’t my marriage I was trying to escape me.

IMO this also describes her too. She was looking for someone to make her happy, and not realizing she was trying to "escape herself" I think is a contributor to her yo-yoing back and forth.

It happened to me. Nanato I sent you a pm.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 8:31 PM, February 8th (Saturday)]

This post caught my eye, and I’m fascinating by it. I am going through this now, where by STBXWH had an exit affair.. and left me and our kids for the AP.

The timing was very early in the limerance and affair stage. They’d only been seeing each other less than 2 months.

He got his own apt mid January, and has been heavily seeing AP every free moment he has.

Just this last Thursday and Friday, he started acting suspiciously nice to me. Texting me a lot more than normal ... also making little comments about how our baby is upset because of us being split. Then our oldest asked if we could do a family hug during exchange time... he says it helps him deal with all this better. So I reluctantly did, and STBXWH squeezed me as tight as he could have. Then the next day he texted saying “it was good to text with me, and he hoped I was doing ok”. I didn’t get sucked in, and just said “I’m ok, thank you. How r u doing?” He replied “yeah I’m ok I guess”.

So the whole thing is curious to me. It seems now that he is 100% free to see his AP, he may be second guessing things. I do wonder how happy he could really be when she is literally ALL he has now. He lost all his friends and support networks. He lost his wife of 14 years. He sees his kids less than half the time. The AP would have to have a magical *v* to make all those losses worth it.

So the whole thing is curious to me. It seems now that he is 100% free to see his AP, he may be second guessing things. I do wonder how happy he could really be when she is literally ALL he has now. He lost all his friends and support networks. He lost his wife of 14 years. He sees his kids less than half the time. The AP would have to have a magical *v* to make all those losses worth it.

Isn't it fascinating sometimes? Fight a person on it tooth and nail and it can encourage them to keep doing the behavior. Let them have what they want, and often they regret it.

The grass is only green where you water it!

SS-

Yes!!! And not to say I was perfect at watering the grass, but I can say that 100% of the water I had available went to our marriage and family.

Meanwhile, as I took care of our house and kids and my full time job, he was spending hours upon hours texting and see her behind my back.

Such a violation of so many things.

And not to say I was perfect at watering the grass, but I can say that 100% of the water I had available went to our marriage and family.

I like that as an addendum to the phrase.

I had the same...lack of irrigation...WW preferred to text her AP than help me do household chores. She would've gotten more of what she wanted and may have been happier if she actually pitched in.

So I reluctantly did, and STBXWH squeezed me as tight as he could have. Then the next day he texted saying “it was good to text with me, and he hoped I was doing ok”. I didn’t get sucked in, and just said “I’m ok, thank you. How r u doing?” He replied “yeah I’m ok I guess”.

Let him go. That’s what he wanted. Feeding him some cake here and there won’t get you much. Civil but distant works better from what I’ve seen.

Thanks everyone! I see my H in these post. He has never been good at dealing with conflict - always taking it as a personal attack and not understanding it can be an opportunity for personal growth. Always looking for validation from other and not realizing that happiness comes from within.

Dragonfly123 - you described it perfectly! It was a "limerant led leaving" A - he was so caught up in the idea of the happily ever life she was promising him - just the two of them in LaLa land - it was fate and beyond his control.

hiking out - exactly! He was blaming me - problems in the marriage - pressures at work - for his unhappiness - he wasn't running from me but from himself. He now realizes that - he said the A was like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound. He has worked on his issues - he knows that happiness doesn't come from others - he no longer looks at others for his self worth.

Thisissolonely - you're right and I've long accepted that the A was not about me - I told him that nothing I did or didn't do justified his cheating - he has owned the A and his selfish choice to cheat.

Notriangle - it's not so much that I am still in pain - I can usually handle a trigger with hardly a thought - it's just this trigger has bought the A back on a very personal level for me and an aspect of the A that was hardest for me to accept - his choice to leave. I've always wondered how others managed to R when an aspect of the A was being left for the AP.

W3IRZ - I know I'll work it out - it is what it is - my H has been very supportive and I won't brood on it like I once would have.

A new co-worker started last week and she is a neighbor of the AP! I was hoping the OW was out of our lives for good - they no longer work together - the company has closed and he no longer had contact with any one that knew her. Of course, Have no intention of mentioning her to the new co-worker - just feels like this brings her back in to my life. We live in a city of over 200,000 people - so it's not so much painful as what are the fucking odds!?

I do a lot of thinking about these type of affairs (for obvious reasons) and tbh reading here I can usually spot the difference between a limerant led leave and an exit affair. In the exit affair the WS tends to be super cold and very clear on their intentions, divorce and financial separation is initiated very quickly and followed through. The limerant led leave is more complicated, there’s more too’ing and fro’ing, it’s more confused. I’m going out on a limb to say I think these affairs are the ones where the WS ends up truly regretting their decision because as HO says they can’t run from themselves and their unhappiness.

Nanatwo I think it takes strength and courage to be a BS facing the reality of this type of affair. I think we all want to appear ‘strong’ and I have tackled feeling ashamed for allowing my WS back in, after this type of affair and I think that’s why it doesn’t get discussed very much on here. We’re all told to run from them. Personally, I find that I strangely feel comforted that my WH truly realises the grass isn’t greener AND that he has had to face the fact he is not who he thought he was. He had to take a look in that mirror and realise he was capable of hurting his family not for some higher love but because of some inner inner flaw and that is tough! Most don’t face that and continue to run. He’s stopped to turn and slay that demon.

And as for the AP what are the odds. In all my work on understanding my WH, I still loathe the AP and even hearing of her sends me into a tailspin. I’m clearly not there yet. But she was nothing and is nothing. Just his conduit to losing his mind.

Notriangle I try to remember and hold onto the fact that these ‘plans’ they had were just fantasies. It’s not easy but the ‘plans’ my WH and his AP had were so far removed from the reality of what would have happened, it was laughable.

HO what you said about being bad at compartmentalising makes perfect sense. You always seem to hit the nail on the head when I think about my WH. My WH honestly never believed he’d be the type of man who cheated so the fact he did meant the ‘true love’ had to be elavated to ridiculous proportions, cognitive dissonance in action. I look back and I can’t believe how crazy these types of affairs are. Happily married in September, 10 years together, two lovely children AND leaving us in the January, it boggles the mind to think that he even thought he was thinking straight!

Sickandafraid (gently) please be careful. If I remember rightly your WH has been a serial cheat, this affair may be limerant but he has been reaching out to other women as well. He may be starting to regret his limerant affair but you have more problems than just this one. I believe EVERYONE has the chance for redemption I truly do, BUT they need to want it and work for it, and atm he’s just playing you. Huge hugs.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 1:40 AM, February 9th (Sunday)]

Dragonfly123 - I agree that taking a WS back after they leave for the AP just adds another aspect of the A the BS has to deal with. I also struggled with feelings of shame - how could I possibly agree to take him back when he so callously walked out of the marriage and seeing the devastation he caused to me and our kids. He realizes now that he had to make the A into a huge fantasy - star crossed lovers who through no fault of their's finally met their soulmate - to justify his cheating.

If there is a silver lining - it is that he realized very quickly what he thought was fate was just a weakness in him that needed the validation and ego kibbles. He knew if there was any chance at R he had to deal with whatever it was in him that made him able to ever justified what he had done.

It also made him accountable - not only to me - but to our kids and other family members. He knew he had lost their respect and trust and if he was to ever regain what he had lost he had to work on himself and deal with his flaws. He humbled himself - apologized individually to family members - and told them he understood that he had broken their trust but he would do whatever he could to prove himself worthy of their trust.

Thank you - I have always found so much wisdom in your posts. Your husband seems to be doing the work and I pray he continues to make you feel safe enough to consider R. You are right - they walked out the door sick men - but I truly believe they walked back in wanting to be better - to deal with their flaws - to prove to us and themselves that they are better men.

My WH was definitely having an exit affair. I don't think he intended to have an A at all (his words) but he said he was done with our M (he didnt tell me this!)and along comes AP (an Ex of his) who strokes his ego & thus starts an A. He promised her marriage, a baby, the works. He was going to move to her state & leave the kids & me behind. He even started telling friends & family about her (or that he was going to leave me & was "talking" to someone), so he was putting plan in motion.

The end of the day I truly believe he stayed because of the kids (& that I was making some changes in our marriage)

We are at a really good place now & I do not believe he is here for the kids only anymore, but we deal with so many ripple affects from not only what he did, but the fact that friends/family know the OW (some still friends with her) the fact that he promised her so much, etc. It's a hard pill to swallow. (Oh & they were soul mates too!)

[This message edited by tikismom at 9:23 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

I think many WS think they are having an exit affair, but they are confused.

In IC we talked about how a spouse can be 90% of what someone wants, but never the last 10%. Along comes AP, who is a loser, a nobody... they are 10% TOTAL but it happens to be the 10% the BS isn't. This makes WS feel like they have a whole 100%, woooooo. Happiness is finally theirs.

They "leave" their spouse only to realize very quickly that AP is nothing but 10% of what they wanted... the fantasy is gone when reality hits, and they try to come back to the 90%.

The fact your hubby returned after just a few days tells me he falls in this category. He wanted the 100% but was delusional. It only made sense when he had both of you.

It also is much easier for WS to justify an A when they say they're in love, want to live happily ever after, etc... because admitting anything else is admitting they're a shitty person with no integrity at all. A lot of "good" spouses adopt this mindset because they can't reconcile their atrocious, trauma-inducing behavior with who their view of themselves. They justify it by saying they were in love, wanting a divorce, so they can continue the A.

To me these types of A's are not exit affairs, but just a run-of-the-mill A where the WS was using a coping mechanism to feel better about themselves.

TL;DR: WS never really wanted to leave you. He wanted an unattainable fantasy.