SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry you find yourself here. Your WW’s actions are fairly common for a cheater. She’s a cake eater and you are there as a backstop. You have been doing a form of the pick me dance. It always fails. You can’t nice her back. You can’t control her. Take care of you. You need to take firm action. You aren’t to blame for her infidelity. She is having sex with the OM because she wants to. Period.

It is often said that you have to risk losing the M in order to have a chance to save it. Have her served. Start the steps for D to help yourself and get out of infidelity. It may shock her and she may come around. But it is not a tactic to manipulate her. You have to mean it and be prepared to move ahead. She will be able to tell when you mean it and are fed up. Take back control of your life. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 4:37 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

I'm sorry you're in this mess. Understand that she had many options to cope with her issues but she chose to cheat. You can't control her actions but you can control your own.

You're not the first to walk this path.

It is not intuitive but the most effective initial response to protect yourself (and save your marriage if that’s what you want) is actually the same whether you ultimately decide to by R or D.

First, in order to be taken seriously they must believe that you are prepared to divorce (bluff if necessary).

You must show zero tolerance for her affair. Be civil, but the quicker and more decisive your action the greater chance of saving your marriage (if that's what you want). Don't beg, cry in her presence, or try to compete with the OM.

The sooner she sees you moving on and leaving her behind (without giving her a second thought) the more attractive you appear.

Hit the gym, pamper yourself with a massage, a new hair style, new clothes, a new car. Go out at night for 2-3 hours ... let her think she's being replaced ... don't tell her where (sit at Starbucks if you have to).

The OM is a fantasy (in her head) that you can not compete with. No husband can compete with a fantasy.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:36 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

the cheater need to know that she has a caring/lovesick BS at home to enjoy cheating. Do not give that option to her. Your decision to start 180 is the way. Also do your other responsibilities like job, professional development , work with kids even better. It looks sexy when you hold your head up in spite of the adversity. Also workout, concur with a caring frond/family member, eat and sleep well.

Looks like she is in fog and she acts she is the price. When reality strike she will come out of the fog.

She says she loves you. Then tell her by her actions and hanging around as if she is not doing anything wrong she is torturing you.

[This message edited by goalong at 4:45 PM, February 12th (Wednesday)]

I appreciate all of the quick responses. Thank you. This is really tough. I an going to be filling the papers next week after I get paid. Nothing I can do before that. I have reviewed the 180 and will start that in the meantime. I have never been and don’t plan on being anyone’scuckold. That’s not in me. I agree that talk = nothing. There is no reasoning or rational thought process. Just doesn’t make sense. But when the papers drop there is a possibility that that fog may clear and there can be some rational conversation at least. At this point I have no expectations except for what I plan to do. My plans are only for myself.

My wife informed me the morning after we had some of the best sex in a while that she was seeing someone else.

This tells you EVERYTHING you're ever going to need to know about your WW. While she was having "some of the best sex in awhile" with you... she was also exposing you to potential STD's and pussy-bombing you into compliance with her mad scheme to open your marriage.

You can do better than that. There are better women out there who are ALREADY honest, who don't use their vagina to get what they want, and who will love you for who you are and not what they want to make you into. Get a divorce and go find one.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, but honestly, I'd tell everyone I know I'm getting a divorce due to my wife's infidelity, bask in the emotional support, and push that divorce through as quickly as possible. After that, I'd never see or speak to that cheater again.

I appreciate all of the quick responses. Thank you. This is really tough. I an going to be filling the papers next week after I get paid. Nothing I can do before that.

File for D and have her served without warning, in the meantime EXPOSE the A with ALL family and close friends also without warning for maximum impact, if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, nothing will, if so just let D run its course and get out of infidelity, don't forget to get tested for STDs.

Upfront most just want them back without a thought.

Later if they do come back you’ll wonder what did you get back.

Is this what you want or expect out of life?

She really wants me to keep quiet about what’s going on. Everyone doesn’t need to know our business. I guess there is merit in that. However, I want to run and tell everyone but I just think that would be a weak move in itself. Just out telling. I don’t know. I know she had isolated herself from her friends. She told just a couple about the blowout when she told me. Her good friends. I overheard her talking to one on the phone like they were catching up. I know they told her they weren’t with this bullshit. I know because I spoke to them too. So she is kind of on an island. Her advice is only coming from one place. That place confirms her bullshit.

Marz. Very good point. What do you get back?

Stop talking, inform everyone and have her served.

Buffer

It will never make sense to you. That's something we all have to accept.

She really wants me to keep quiet about what’s going on. Everyone doesn’t need to know our business. I guess there is merit in that. However, I want to run and tell everyone but I just think that would be a weak move in itself. Just out telling. I don’t know. I know she had isolated herself from her friends. She told just a couple about the blowout when she told me. Her good friends. I overheard her talking to one on the phone like they were catching up. I know they told her they weren’t with this bullshit. I know because I spoke to them too. So she is kind of on an island. Her advice is only coming from one place. That place confirms her bullshit.

Of course she doesn't want you to tell. She looks like a turd in this story. But that's not the reason you tell. You tell so that the people you care about most in your circle of friends and family can emotionally support you through this transition. And you tell for the same reason that you'd announce a new diet... so your friends can keep you accountable to your choice and strengthen your resolve.

Your WW fired you from the job of putting her needs first. She did it with deliberation of purpose and a clear (albeit selfish) agenda. Now, you see to YOUR needs first. It's not about creating drama or punishing a cheater. It's about getting your support network in place.

Sorryforeverything That is deep and fitting.

If there's a chance to R, she first need to stop the A, nothing kills an A faster than full EXPOSURE without warning, especially with both sets of parents, there's a reason why As thrive in secrecy, FUll Exposure typically kills the "beautiful, exciting and romantic" aspect of it and replaces it with pure ugliness, shame and embarrassment, which help with regret and possibly remorse in the long run.

Buster123. I can understand full disclosure and outing my spouse to the world. I also understand these relationships thrive in secrecy. But after you tell all of your business to the inner circle I fail to see how R is even possible after that. There would be way too much embarrassment I think. I could be wrong. She would have to explain why she is getting a divorce. Because her family would definitely want to know. She’ll do what someone else said and rewrite the marriage to justify her behavior. But her family knows who she is. He’ll, when the papers drop I’m sure I’ll get some phone calls.

Now I can see full exposure after papers are served but I’m not sure about it before. Your opinion please.

The sooner the better to disclose to both sets of parents and close friends. You need to get your story out before she can tell them how bad your marriage was. She will rewrite history to try to justify her affair. NOTHING EVER justifies the betrayal of an affair.

YOU need to get your story out so that the TRUTH has been told and not misrepresented. Your wife also needs to know without any uncertainty that she can not control you. That you are not going to eat her sh*t sandwich, smile, and say "thank you."

Take control of the narrative and EXPOSE now, you have done nothing wrong, she's the one who cheated on you, EXPOSE her huge betrayal to everyone now and throw a wrench in her plans to keep it a secret, keep her busy explaining to both sets of parents and other family members/close friends why she cheated and let her deal with the sheer embarrassment that comes with it, I bet you the A won't seem so "exciting and romantic" after full exposure.

Again nothing kills an A faster than FULL EXPOSURE without warning, do it TODAY, we've seen this play out literally THOUSANDS of times here and other websites, keep posting frequently, this is a crucial time and the collective wisdom of SI can help you go through this difficult situation.

Now I can see full exposure after papers are served but I’m not sure about it before. Your opinion please.

If you're planning to divorce IMO skip the exposure upfront. The whole point of exposure is to end the affair if you wanted to attempt reconciliation.

Wait until you have everything signed.

I agree with Marz that if you have already decided to D, expose after everything is signed, but based on what you posted here it seems you're still considering R.

But after you tell all of your business to the inner circle I fail to see how R is even possible after that.

Again, in order to be able to R the A has to stop period, and nothing kills an A faster than full exposure without warning, but if you change your mind and decide to D (which is OK too since cheaters are NOT entitled to a 2nd chance) then just file for D and expose the A after the ink on it is dry. Keep in mind a successful R requires much more than just stopping the A and it takes between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity even with a fully remorseful WW doing all the work, which right now you don't have by a very long shot.