SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need your support and wisdom. We are in our thirties. Dated for 11 years and married for 2. On Feb 5, after I attended my evening class, my husband told me that he cheated on me several hours ago with a prostitute (so while I was attending my class). I posted this on another online community and they recommended me to come here to seek advice. For some reason, I never got an approved email for my first account I registered for last week. So I signed up again today, thus the delay in posting.

Throughout our relationship there were several times when he himself did not want sex because he is too tired/stressed from work. So when we haven't had sex lately in the last 1 month, I wasn't too suspicious because he's just been gaming nonstop after work everyday. He says he is stressed at work and gaming helps him destress. I did catch him once masturbating to porn a year ago, and in retrospect I realize I should’ve seen that as a red flag then. Back then he told me that even though he watches porn he reassured me that he would never “cross the line.” Well, here we are.

He says there is “no strings attached” because she’s a prostitute and it’s his “first time.” He is begging for me to give him a chance to make things right. I don’t have the strength yet to even ask him how long this has been going on. He says he has “resisted temptation” for many weeks prior so even though the physical cheating happened on Feb 5, the emotional cheating happened way before. The incredibly sad thing is he was probably thinking of cheating on me on my birthday, because that was just a few weeks ago.

He is getting STI testing. I will too. I went to my first individual counselling yesterday, which was just intake so we didn't discuss much. We went to our first couples therapy today and the things he said about watching porn and masturbating since puberty and continuing throughout our marriage to fulfill his fantasies, searching for prostitutes in our city since a long time ago because he was "curious," was just too triggering for me. I am now just in so much despair, and boiling rage at the same time.

I know that the first few months can be an emotional rollercoaster and I've been recommended to wait 6 months to make a decision. But I'm just so lost and devastated right now, I had to share and hope to get some comfort, support, advice, and wisdom. I’ve lived more than a third of my life with him. He was my best friend. And he just single-handedly destroyed our marriage with his selfishness, greed and lust. Thank you for reading.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. In terms of cheating with prostitutes, we do have a thread in the "I Can Relate" section called "Emotionless Infidelity". That might help you get some input from people who are dealing with the same kind of situation.

You are NOT obligated to stay for six months if that's not your preference. No cheater is owed a second chance, so don't let a recommendation like that push you out of your comfort zone.

I would say, that if you're inclined in any way toward reconciliation, that your WH needs to be evaluated by a qualified CSAT (certified sexual addiction therapist) in order to find out what you're dealing with. Is it full-blown sex addiction, poor coping skills, or what? Do bear in mind that it's not YOUR job to figure him out or cure him. It's HIS job. Yours is just to make sure that he does it effectively so as to be an acceptable partner to you. Right now, this guy isn't good enough for you.

Do be sure that you're prioritizing your self-care; eating enough, drinking lots of water, avoiding alcohol, and sleeping when you can. Talk to your doctor about stress management if it starts getting ahead of you.

((hugs))

Cheatedon: I am so sorry you have been put into this horrible situation, but I’m glad you found us. There will be more come along soon with some great advice, just like CT’s words of wisdom and encouragement.

The roller coaster you are on is perfectly normal, unfortunately. Your brain and heart are arguing with each other, right now. Plus, your brain is re-evaluating all your memories and re-writing those that include your husband. It’s a real mess up there! But don’t worry. As you learn more information and as your brain plows through this huge pile of manure, you will begin to think more clearly, and that’s when you can make a sound decision. Only you can determine when you reach that point – you’ll know when you’re there when you’re there.

Is there anyone you can talk to face-to-face, like a relative or close friend? Posting here will be a tremendous help and a great outlet. But, talking to someone live and having them put an arm around you is the best. Meanwhile, we’ll give you all the cyberhugs we can!

It’s good you both are in IC, but I think it’s a little too early for MC. You need to work on healing you and he needs to figure out why he gave himself permission to breach his promise to you, expose you to STD’s, lie and gaslight you, etc. If he never reaches that point, he will never be a safe partner for you, or anyone.

Keep posting here and keep us up to date. We all want you to live a healthy, happy life. And remember that here, you are not alone.

I’m sorry for you. I just want to caution you on a few things. I would hate for you to be blindsided yet again.

It appears that he willingly told you about his infidelity with a prostitute. My H came home and told me about his affair also. I fooled myself and believed it couldn’t be that bad b/c he admitted it.

Except he completely downplayed the affair. Ten days later he wants a divorce. I’m blindsided yet again.

It is possible this is not his first time cheating on you. Just be prepared for it. Just know cheaters are liars and it’s hard to know if you have the full story or if there is more to come.

As an example it is typical for the cheater to say “there was no sex”. That turns into we kissed once, but that’s it. Blah blah blah the affair has been going on for months and they had sex many times.

You are not obligated to continue to live with him right now. Suggestions are not to make any permanent decisions for 6 months like divorce or reconcile. But if you really cannot live with him right now, for your own sanity you may need to decide to separate for now.

So sorry for you. You need a good support team. A counselor for you, trusted friends and family, minister or clergy if you are religious.

Keep posting here. Best free advice and support ever.

I think you need to start doing some digging. It's highly unusual that he would have told you. Chances are, he thought he might have an STD, and that's why he told you.

There is also a good chance that the other woman, is not a prostitute. But a friend of his, or co-worker. Start digging.

He says there is “no strings attached” because she’s a prostitute and it’s his “first time.” He is begging for me to give him a chance to make things right. I don’t have the strength yet to even ask him how long this has been going on. He says he has “resisted temptation” for many weeks prior so even though the physical cheating happened on Feb 5, the emotional cheating happened way before.

Something here doesn't line up. Why is your husband hanging around with a prostitute for "many weeks" and "resisting temptation"? Prostitutes are professionals, they don't try to "tempt men", they wait for men to call them for sex. Was he really just "hanging around" with a prostitute and, if so, how in the hell did that happen? Also, I agree with another poster, a "spontaneous confession" like this also seems really fishy. He must have had some reason to think you were going to find out, either an STD scare, she was blackmailing him, something.. There's more to this story, that much I can nearly promise you.

Now, all that out of the way, assuming you can get something that sounds a little more reasonable out of him.. In some ways, this type of affair is better. It's not about feelings, it's about sex, there are no "I love you so much more than my wife" texts to find, no love at all to worry about and no "were you going to leave" or "was she my replacement" to think about. In other ways, this type of A is much worse, he crossed a line hiring women for sex, and once crossed, it's always going to be a concern. Most people who do this don't do it once, they make it a "hobby" and do it often. It's a dangerous kind of cheat because it's so easy and so hard to detect. The comparison for women is a traveling wife who has one night stands while out on business. It's really hard to detect, it's hard to control, and it's not going to show a lot of "signs" because it's not about emotions at all, it's just an hour of sex. An unaccounted for hour is a lot harder to find that 1000's of "I love you like air" text messages and all the other garbage that goes on in a typical affair.

I'm sorry. First thing, get the truth, because something stinks to high heaven in the story you've been told.

Hello my sweet sister,

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation that no one wants to be in, but I’m glad you found our forum. The next days, weeks, months, years are going to be rough. You are going through a trauma where your reality is being rewritten. Try to take it one day at a time. Focus on what you can control, which is your physical health (rest, hydrate, eat healthy foods, go for walks or exercise, get to the doctor, etc.). Your brain is going to need some time to heal, but know this...you will survive. Maybe with him, maybe without him. But regardless, you, with time, will heal.

The echoes of your situation hit close to home for me. Like you, my husband and I are In our 30s. We dated for a long time before getting married. Shit hit the fan about 3 years into our marriage with “emotionless” cheating, though upon reflection there were red flags in the years before. Often (not always), this is a sign of sex addiction. People often hear sex addiction and think...oh they’re addicted to sex! But actually, it’s more accurately called an intimacy disorder. Sex addicts often have normal sex drives but fail to focus that drive on healthy relationships with people they have an emotional connection to. That’s why you often see it show up as excessive porn use (while abstaining from sex with willing wife/gf) or hooking up with prostitutes and other strangers who require no emotional connection. It can be maddening. I remember being sex starved in my marriage (we were intimate maybe once a month and only if I initiated) and then discovering he was having an active sex life without me...I thought I was losing my mind!

If it is SA, he will need help from a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist as the first commenter said. Regular therapists are simply not trained on the topic. We tried regular therapy at first, but nothing changed until he began seeing a CSAT. Unfortunately, what starts out as a “normal” sex drive focused on emotionless partners then escalates into power dynamics and shame and self soothing cycles that continue to spiral without intervention to stop it. My husband lost his job and bought a gun to kill himself before he reached a point of admitting that his life was out of control and that he needed intensive, professional help.

This problem is his though - it is not your fault that he decided to be unfaithful. It does not mean you are unattractive or unsexy. It means something is broken within him, and he must seek the right help to fix it. You cannot fix it for him. In the mean time, protect yourself. Set your own boundaries. Seek out your own IC to help you with the trauma and maybe figure out what those boundaries should be. A CSAT for you is also ideal, but anyone specializing in trauma will work.

I am so sorry. I remember the helpless feeling of those early days. You will survive this though. Just keep reminding yourself of that. And care for your physical body while your brain processes all of this new reality.

There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for spouses of sex addicts. There are some great resources on the first page including some great books to read.

((((Hugs)))))

I have a close friend of over 40 years who is a sex addict. I, and 3 of his wives, have tried to get him into a 12-step program (similar to AA). My opinion is along with some initial IC, to get him into a life long program.

There are NO specific time frames when one should or shouldn't do something or should feel something. Generally the closer to D day the bumpier the ride and more of a roller coaster of emotions but everyone's situation and ride is different. What you feel is what you are feeling at any given time. There is no wrong or right with that.

None of us can go back and undo the what's happened. It's a terrible situation we've been dealt, but each and every day afterwards is a choice we own. We own our own happiness. No one else does.

Thank you, everyone, for your wisdom, advice, and support. I apologize for the delay in my reply. I had a rough few days after my post, as you can imagine. Ironically, my husband was able to console me, so I had a better day today and mustered the strength to come back here. I appreciate everyone giving me input on my situation. It's a lonely road from here, but I'm glad for your support.

To reply to some of the questions: yes, he will be seeing a CSAT qualified counsellor this coming Tuesday. I will look into the "I can relate" section, thanks for pointing that out to me. Thank you for telling me that it's normal to have an emotional rollercoaster. He told a mutual friend of ours who is also my close friend so I can talk to him about it. I should clarify: he's been asking the escort agent is there is anyone available, but he would then not follow through with it. This has been going on for weeks. I did not ask any further because, to be honest, I cannot take it right now. I don't think knowing more will help me with the intrusive thoughts and nightmares that I already have. He says again and again that this is the only time he has physically cheated on me, but I'm not holding my breath.

I am also going to IC currently. The first visit was just intake but hopefully next week they'll start giving me tips to help control these intrusive thoughts and also to get over my grief. I wouldn't be surprised at all if I have PTSD. I won't lie, the first few days I did not eat, I did not drink. I just cried all day in bed. I even got cramps on my legs and my massage therapist told me it was from the salt dehydration. But now I am taking better care of myself. WS has also basically taken over all the household duties. I haven't touched the kitchen, made a single meal, done any cleaning, or done a single round of laundry since dday. I will focus on my well-being first, before I think about the relationship.

You are doing all the right things. Just continue to be gentle with yourself. I am so glad that he is being evaluated by a CSAT. At least then you will know if it is an addiction, and if it is, you will have access to the right resources for both him and for you.

I remember I went into shock for the first three days after dday. I literally laid in the bed in some kind of stasis watching the light from the sun rise and fall on the wall. My body just completely shut down while my brain tried to process. It’s interesting how the body / mind connection works. The experience gave me a whole new appreciation for all of the amazing things our bodies do to survive, even when it’s an emotional trauma.

Hang in there. Read up - both here and other books / resources. Knowledge is empowering. Don’t pressure yourself to make decisions if you’re not ready. Prepare yourself for the possibility that he may get better but he may not. Both outcomes are out of your control, so you can only prepare yourself for what you will do in response to each. It’s entirely okay to not know at this point.

(((Hugs))))

It is good that he is admitting his addiction. Many times porn is the gateway drug and the behavior escalates into addiction. He may have been online chatting and answering ads for months before leading up to the prostitution visit...

I'm sorry you have to work through this. You came to the right place. There is also an "I can relate" forum here for spouses of sex addicts.

[This message edited by sleeplessincali at 11:27 PM, February 23rd (Sunday)]

Thank you. It's difficult to not think back and realize that when I first caught him watching porn, I should not have just thought "oh that's what men do" and normalize it. I should've known.. I should've talked more about it.. but he is my first boyfriend and my only relationship. I am inexperienced, and I was naive. And now I am looking back at where my stupidity got me. It's difficult to think about all the things that I "could" have done. I guess this is part of the grief. I need to take my time. I unintentionally rushed things with MC and I had a huge set back. We watched a podcast recommended by someone called healing broken trust on the episode about porn and infidelity and I blew up again.

He's going to see the CSAT tomorrow. We'll see what comes of it. I'll continue reading and going to IC. I'm also surprised how I can actually still put myself together enough to go to work. I count my blessings for giving me great parents and a safe childhood so. I can't imagine if this happened on top of depression. I admire those who are so strong, though I would never wish that on anyone.

I'm happy that I have such support from you, but I am also extremely sad that all of us have to be here. I'm sorry for all of our experiences. I don't know where this all leads for me, but I will just try to survive one day at a time.

Thinking of you. How did csat appntmnt go?