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I’m a BH and I believe I’m suffering from PTSD. Honestly I don’t even know how I would be diagnosed for that. Reading this thread has made me really question why I’m remaining in the quasi-reconciliation-Ish impasse I’m in with my WW. I think it would have been better in retrospect to cut my losses and heal on my own. Healing “with” her has been next to impossible.

BH here.

I have C-PTSD from my childhood. I also exhibited codependency with my ex. I clung to her as a replacement for the closeness I should have had with my family.

I had my C-PTSD just about managed before DDay1, but I had a healthy dose of hypervigilance. DDay1 caused it all to come screaming back. Around the beginning of her second affair (that I know of), it triggered massive panic attacks. I went to counseling and got a formal diagnosis of C-PTSD, hypervigilance, and generalized anxiety.

Cue DDay 2 six months ago. All symptoms came back with a vengeance except that the difference was my anxiety attacks did not manifest as panic or despair or anything like that, they were blinding rage.

I am on 20mg of propranalol 3 times a day to manage my anxiety and C-PTSD symptoms. I am undergoing EMDR therapy to address the childhood and betrayal trauma. My ex is unremorseful; she doesn't care whether I heal or not. We are divorcing.

Wow so sorry Thumos and incarnate for what you have been put through, for your pain and suffering. I pray that somehow sooner rather than later you will have some kind of relief and peace again in your lives.

It never gets any easier to learn how this, the awful behavior of us the WS devastates lives so completely. Reading about other’s stories and the ravages they have to endure, makes me feel a little responsible for their pain, because I know how much I have caused myself.

Healing with WS at your side reminding you at every turn what they have done to you, It must feel like a pretty unlikely outcome.

Oh and the d-days that keep coming, gosh I have no words. I know, I know the damage that they cause.

Doinbetter

Thank you for replying.

I see what you mean about the unfairness of it all. All that you the BS has to give up, try to ignore, swallow, the pain, even the self respect and for whom? The one you faithfully care for and loved through your marriage, but who chose to do the worst thing that you could not even imagine they could.

It is not fair. It is a huge privilege to even be anywhere near the one we have betrayed.

I can see the unfairness, the sadness of what they have given to us, what they may have given up in life for us, for all the love and forgiveness that once was given. To be trampled over again. I can tell the pain is overwhelming, That some have feelings of abandonment, being dismissed, that all that was given for the WS meant nothing. So much done with all the love in the world. Thrown away.

I have a good idea why. I am sure I don’t know how horrible that must feel though.

What I was trying to understand the mind of the BS with PTSD. The flooding, triggers, the symptoms and reactions because of the PTSD.

The things expressed during a moment that you are overtaken by the PTSD, do you always mean it? Do you still feel the (insert feeling here) afterwards? Do you still feel that you want them to go away after you are calmer?

How do you want or need your spouse to show you their commitment through those moments?

I know every one is different, there is no cookie cutter way to do anything.

Thank you!!!

Hi Breathinglife, sorry to hijack this post.

I (WS) have been grappling with the same issues of Ptsd of my BH..

The injustice and the humiliation and the shame really hits him hard (understandably).

And your post and questions just really resonated.

I also would really like to know how I can best help my BH, as my A has killed his confidence as a man and husband.

I know what I'm doing is not enough, and I will continue to be better for him, and be empathetic and allow him to vent safely. To apologise and thank him for sticking around.

Would like to hear thoughts on how to RESTORE a BS' confidence and undo the shame.

The things expressed during a moment that you are overtaken by the PTSD, do you always mean it?

You are seeing the scar from where you stabbed your BS. He is hurt and has 2 options, sadness or anger. Sadness hurts and only causes us pain. Anger hurts our WS and makes us feel shame afterward because we were out of control. Usually both partners agree to not be angry like this and the BS feels ashamed for breaking that and hurting the person they sacrificed their pain for.

You should stop worrying about what he says when he floods. He doesn't want to hurt you, but his option is to swallow more of the pain or turn and share it by hurting you. Does her deserve that hurt alone? Understand or do you need more information to tell you his rage is really his hurt. When he goes to internal sadness, then you have to watch him cannibalize his self-esteem and pride. All you can do then is watch and cry. He will be forced to comfort you then.

Do you still feel the (insert feeling here) afterwards?

For a bit. It usually switches to shame at our behavior. All you can do is state how you are glad he didn't leave. Do not say you understand. You know you don't. Just thank him repeatedly. If you say you understand he may strike out again because he doesn't understand his feelings and will see that as you saying you know him better than he knows himself.

Do you still feel that you want them to go away after you are calmer?

I would ask before you approach if the BS seems calmer. He may be ashamed of his anger especially if he has some internal past trauma or this is a 180 from his usual attitude.

Would like to hear thoughts on how to RESTORE a BS' confidence and undo the shame.

The "shame" is never really undone. I asked about this in the reconciliation forum (Mostly talking about body image) and the usual idiots all chirped in with, "I wasn't ashamed." Yeah, so don't expect help on that too much.

What my wife has done that did help (I instigated a bunch of these off of a forum and the rest are from a marriage workshop book I got):

1) She wrote a list of 30 reasons I am better than the APs. Several were physical descriptions of things I do well in the bedroom.

2) She did everything she did with the APx10. She had car sex and used to be super prudish about public sex. I had to kind of push her, but she was down for some fun public sex. (Just restaurant bathroom stuff.) She did not like this at first and everyone on this forum will scream at me for suggesting this. There have been massive debates about this on this forum, so if you did it with the AP double down with your husband. Otherwise he will always feel denied/slighted. That is just a fact. Otherwise divorce your BH because you trust strangers more than them.

3) She wrote me a love letter. I started this one. I wrote her a huge 4 page love letter. She still reads it when she gets sad. Hers was shorter, but writing isn't something she is super skilled at. It still is nice to read sometimes when I am down.

4) She told one of our friends about what happened and we had a good conversation. I just couldn't hear my wife because I was too pissed at her for continually lying and even swearing on our kid's lives. This friend helped straighten us both out. The MC didn't do nearly as good of a job. He just kept asking me about what it would take for me to get beyond this and talk about what in the marriage led to this. I would shut down because it is kind of the rough, the BS fixes the BS and the WS fixes the WS. That though means the BS holds the marriage together while they aren't right in the head.

5) My wife did offer to let me cheat back. I almost did it, but I was losing my nerve and my wife shut it down just in time. It kind of frustrated me, but it also made me mad. I wouldn't recommend that. It messed things up, but also showed me my wife didn't think about the pain she caused until right when it was going to be self-inflicted. It gave us something to talk about.

6) The thing that did help my self-esteem was that my wife started openly complimenting me in front of other people. It was something she used to never do. Now she is much more directed at talking about how good I am in front of the others. It showed me she was proud of me.

Good luck. Ask again if you want more advice.

Welcome to the post Snowyjune. I don’t mind ask away.

Doinbetter. Thank you again for this post. It’s chock full of good things to think about and do if I have not yet.

So appreciate the time you took to write this. It did help me see at least a different point of view surely I will work hard at remembering not to say I understand :( It has been and issue for me.

I watch and cry when I see the sadness take over them. I am aware the hurt often comes out as anger/rage.yet I have some doubts too sometimes, in the moment, the repetition or the intensity of how things come out Make me doubt myself and believe it all to be true.

Then I try to get out of I my head as soon as possible and focus back on my mate.

I am not against anything that he wants to do with me at all. I have no issues also bringing it up either.

I did work on a course for waywards where we had to do some exercises that included writing letters to our mate. One where we reflected about all the ways in which I affected him, our life, his life, his future, mind and soul. (Part of showing empathy, remorse and awareness of the damage done).

A love letter 🤔 I’ll keep that in mind.

There are so many things that as a wife I failed to do, I never had certain examples in my life to show me the way. And I don’t mean to say I did not know cheating was a bad thing. Not what I’m talking about (could see the comments coming at me about that). Yet I easily picked up the bad ones I did see and took my selfish stand from day one.

I am working on bringing into my ways of being many things/qualities I wasn’t used to doing, didn’t understand, or was used to ever saying, things a man needs and desires in a mate and wife.

[This message edited by Breathinglife at 2:02 PM, March 11th (Wednesday)]