SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Looking for any experience etc with a new weird twist to this crap.

When separation began last March I first moved into a rented bedroom in the neighborhood. Owner is an older divorcee, had occasional dates over as well as a hanger-on who was frequently there, guy about my age (early 40s) who seems nice enough, but just does odd jobs, seems generally a bit “off.” Moved out of there into current place couple months later. Haven’t seen this guy since August.

FF to today- Dropped off DS/DD at their Mom’s for the week. Saturdays consist of catching up a bit, so usually there an hour or two. Stayed a little longer today but headed out around lunchtime.

BW calls me about 45 min later to tell me this guy just stopped by looking for me. Was upset (but polite to her) because he “has video evidence of me creeping outside his house.” BW told him I wasn’t there but passed him my phone number. He said he would call but now hasn’t hours later.

There’s no way he could know address without having gone through landlady’s documents (rental app had that address on it.) The pretense of getting in touch with me appears false. Trying to sort out

1) Potential hazard

2) Way forward

I can’t stand thinking THIS is now in the mix.

ETA this is generally unrelated to A minus moving out because of it. Really looking for anyone with experience who can help me figure out if there’s law enforcement COAs to be looked at yet (not likely it seems)

[This message edited by JBWD at 5:57 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

I don't have any experience like this per se... but definitely sounds like a predator of some kind trying to coerce something out of you.

Caution is highly suggested, especially when you've got your kids over. He could've followed you when you went to drop the kids off.

Yeah my concern is more when they’re with Mom. That’s when this contact occurred today. He apparently told BW he’s seen me walking around the new neighborhood so I’m a bit concerned for me as well, but less so...

Wouldn't hurt to make some notes, do a little investigative work and then talk to the local police if this continues.

Trust your gut. Fair warning, I have a very personal and triggery reason for saying this. I once had a next door neighbor who seemed "a little off," and he made us uncomfortable with some things he did, but we felt guilty about our discomfort because he was clearly developmentally challenged. He got attached to his landlady and saw her daughter as interfering with his imagined relationship with her. Long story short, he killed the daughter and was then exposed as a serial killer with a whole bucket full of victim trophies.

Could this guy be harmless? Yes. Is it worth the risk of rolling the dice? No. I would approach the local police and just run this by them -- the guy is accusing you of stalking him, he approached your family where you aren't living, told them he's been watching you in your new neighborhood, you have no idea why. If there are any red flags already out on him, it's good for them to know. If not, at least you've proactively contacted them to refute his allegations and establish your concerns.

I will add, though, that it's not necessarily true that he couldn't find your address except from the landlady's rental documents. Almost anyone's address can be found on the internet, especially if you're willing to pay for it.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:24 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Yeah talked with BW again because my biggest concern is he knows where SHE lives but not me.

I asked her for more details which she really didn’t want to discuss but agreed to discuss on the phone- He told her that since I moved in he “thought I was sketchy” and never got the ass-beating I deserved for cheating. Then went on to explain that the landscaping work he did for landlady was never paid and he thought that while he had “once been in landlady’s pocket” he thought that I now was. Further claimed that he had footage of me from his porch on his doorbell cam. (I do have continued contact with landlady in group yoga classes once a week.)

BW was very emotional describing this and explained to this guy that she didn’t agree that I was owed a beating.

This has been an emotional experience and it sucks to know none of it would’ve happened had I never cheated. It further sucks that it elicited such an emotional response from her. She seemed genuinely afraid to tell me this guy’s personal opinions and I hate that she still feels the need to try and defend me. It’s appreciated but I don’t know how else I could’ve gotten the info I needed to sort through and determine that this is at least partially a sketchy shitty business issue.

As always, just... Damn

Thanks BSR. The real question on finding me (and why I think it was from her documents) is I don’t know how he would know my last name. We weren’t that familiar while I was living there.

BW still wants to minimize this to some extent but also was vocal about concerns for MY safety. Bottom line she at least conceded that discussing with the landlady would be ok.

[This message edited by JBWD at 9:44 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

Update- Spoke with landlady this AM and told her I wasn’t coming to yoga anymore and asked what current situation was with this guy. She has a court date next week to extend her current temporary restraining order to 3 years standing. She was very eager to have me come along, I explained that I’m eager not to get sucked into this, and asked repeatedly for her help in not disclosing any of this as BW really wants to remain neutral as well...

BW was so upset that I insisted on talking about this yesterday, I’m struggling with putting out my continued concerns on this...

Ugh.

She has a court date next week to extend her current temporary restraining order to 3 years standing

Did she tell you the reason for the RO?

SaddestDad-

Vaguely worded as “in her home without authority.”

I’m guessing he

1) Had a key

2) Was looking to reclaim tools left on premises

I passed this on to BW. I don’t quite understand her motivation in dealing with this low key. There isn’t any room to panic for now anyway but this guy really has ME spooked and with my kids there I just have to trust her on recognizing if it escalates.

What this highlights- BW still doesn’t know who I am. Couldn’t tell you what to believe about me. That hurts a lot.

Facing my damage again, and for her approaching the anniversaries of DDay2...