SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I remember reading some of your earlier posts and just having a feeling that you and your WW could get past this. In fact, I think I sort of encouraged you to consider wiping the slate clean and going off into the sunset with her to start anew if you believe she has truly changed and is really sorry. So I'm very happy to see that you've come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness, able to accept her as she is, warts and all (I'm not going to get into the forgiveness debate) - she's the woman you married and created a family with so if you can get that back, it's a good thing for sure. Neither of you is perfect. While infidelity is dreadful and evil and ugly, it's not necessarily unforgivable. Just as maybe some of your habits have been difficult for her to live with (notice I said maybe). Just as someone's tag line (that I love!) says, just two imperfect people doing their best.

I didn't get a chance to reconcile but I truly believe that much of what gets discussed in these forums is irrelevant. We either accept what has happened and accept that it can't be erased and move forward in spite of it, or we don't. I don't buy into the boundary setting and rule making and checking phones, etc. The WS is either remorseful and will step up and be faithful and honest and make every effort to make amends or they won't. If they only do that because the BS has ordered them to, then what good is it?

Anyway, I'm very glad for you and hope you can keep this frame of mind and that she can put away the demons she's been fighting and that as a couple, you can be a success story. Cautiously hopeful, that is.

Infidelity is a choice and so is forgiveness, under the right circumstances.

My XWW showed no remorse or empathy. She did not care what her choices did to me, our marriage, or our children or our family. These are just some of the reasons that I divorced her.

She is out of my life, Period. I have no reason to forgive her. Why would I forgive someone who doesn't ask for forgiveness? Why would I forgive someone who is not remorseful or at the very least, regretful?

What is forgiveness supposed to do for me? I've moved on and have no contact with her. My forgiving her would only relieve her of some guilt for what she did. That's assuming she even feels any guilt.

josiep:

Thank you for a very kind response to my post. You moved me.

36,

I am late to the party, but but I just want to say that if you are finding the peace and resolution that you have been searching for, I am very happy for you.

You have been through a lot, and your journey of self-discovery has been long and involved a lot of thought-provoking posts in the forum. I really hope this works out for you.

Everyone has different needs in the aftermath of infidelity, and different pre-requisites for considering divorce or reconciliation. And beyond those, there is your own inner voice, which tells you what you want to do. Yours has been moving you towards moving back home and attempting reconciliation for some time now.

That being the case, you might as well try it and see how it goes. If you ignored your inner voice and followed a course of action that was not what you wanted, you would not be being true to yourself.

Discussions and arguments on the philosophy of infidelity and how to react to it can be very enlightening, and sometimes open up options we might never have thought of without those discussions.

However, ultimately we all just gather a tote bag of reasons, justifications, anecdotes, grievances, epiphanies, tales of hope or despair, etc, that support what our inner voice or gut feeling tells us is right for us.

It sounds like you have found that, and I sincerely wish you luck and hope this works out for you. I hope you will keep us posted, there are several here whose thoughts are always with you, wanting the best for you.

I still love my WS. I'm not ready to say that to him yet, nor am I willing to forgive him yet. I have forgiven so many hurtful things he's done in the past. I've been hurt so many times yet this latest one is the one that has shattered me to the point that I'm not sure I'll ever be whole again. I was brought up in the church and taught forgiveness, but this one is going to take a lot of work from both of us even though he has started IC, like I asked, I'm not sure if I can stay this time. I'll eventually forgive him, it's not in my nature to hold a grudge, but I'll never be able to forget as the Bible commands.

Have you been hanging out in my bedroom lately?

One aspect of a forum like this is that participants can only offer advice and input based on information provided by the OP.

In your (36) case, it has been some time since you've provided any information about your wife, or your interactions with her. I went back through the available "recent posts" list and did not find a single mention of your wife. My recollection, which admittedly is vague, is that the last mention was around the time when she returned from her trip to the Northwest. At that time, if memory serves, you were still not having sex with her. What I can't recall is if you were experiencing sexual difficulty relating to her A.

In any event, since then, your posts have become mostly proclamations about your own internal epiphanies and/or emotional processes, with the role of "wife" becoming essentially an avatar. The nature of the posts creates a sense that you are not married to a human woman, at all. Rather, your "wife" is simply a placeholder for your inner spiritual and moral construct.

So, you're right, we don't know what goes on in your bedroom. Last time you discussed it, nothing was going on in your bedroom.

I hope you are having joyous, baggage-free sex with your wife. That would be a mitzvah.

M1965, thank you for your kind words.

So, 36, I read you to be saying, 'I'm healing me, and forgiving my W on my terms, irrespective of what she has done, is doing, will do, is part of that healing.'

If I'm reading you accurately, I take my hat off to you. I think you've taken a good step for yourself, no matter how it works out for your M.

*****

Of the umpteen ways of forgiving, which way(s) have you chosen? How have you freed yourself?

*****

For me, forgiveness was giving up all desire for revenge or for seeing my W punished. IOW, I gave up all desire for justice, and I gave up my anger.

But it came gradually. It snuck up on me. I never intended to forgive her, because I thought - and stil think - forgiveness is not necessary for R.

It probably would have been better for me to have forgiven earlier, but I did not have conscious control of my anger. I think the corollary is that I could not have made a conscious decision to forgive.

But my sub-conscious saw what my W was doing in R, and I believe decided to forgive.

That pretty clearly different from what I mean by forgiveness. You seem to ask nothing from your W; I asked a lot.

So I'd appreciate your saying more about your form of forgiveness. I hope I'm communicating an interest in reading about your experience, not in arguing.

Sisoon, I wrote a long response to your query, but after submitting it I encountered a SQL error and the response was lost.

In short, my thoughts about what forgiveness means is very close to yours. I'll fully respond once I overcome the shock of the loss of the original response.

Sisoon, I wrote a long response to your query, but after submitting it I encountered a SQL error and the response was lost.

Consider all your longer responses being typed on a Word document and then copy and paste it.

Consider all your longer responses being typed on a Word document and then copy and paste it

Good idea.

On January 4th, you wrote:

I've spent most of the day with my WS. Now I am walking home from her place after spending an explosive evening with her. I can't put up with her telling me it's all my fault because I can't forgive her for fucking some POSOM. I left to avoid getting arrested for telling her she is full of shot.

So much for the positive mental work I've done. In case you're wondering, I'm walking because I had a glass of wine with her. I wouldn't put it last her to call the cops on me.

On December 16th, about 10 days after your anniversary, you wrote:

Despite all the absolute crap she put me through, I still love her. But, admittedly that love has changed. I love her, but have no desire to be with her sexually. She's a gorgeous woman, but the passion I had for her is gone. I can't have sex with someone I don't respect. Nor can I get excited by her as the thought of sex with her causes my mind movies to start up again and again.

Despite the above, I do still love her and I long for what we once had (if it ever existed at all). I would like to see complete restoration to our relationship, but doing so may be more of a problem with me than her.

She tries to be loving, and considerate more now than before. But the trauma lingers.

As I read what I'm writing I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. It sounds more like I'm babbling incoherently.

Let me just say I am a man who believes in family. I believe in true love. I believe in commitment. I believe in my vows. I believe that most things can be resolved if people will work on them.

Unfortunately, at this point I also believe I will probably die alone.

I'm trying to understand where your marriage is now, vis-a-vis where it was about 3 months ago. Reiterating what I said above, the limitation of a forum like this is that we can only offer feedback and advice based on the information you provide.

I don't recall any posts of yours that contain information describing her going through a process of learning about her "whys", figuring out what was/is broken in her moral compass, and fixing it. Turning herself into a person you can trust. Maybe she has done this; but I don't believe you have described her doing this.

Similarly, I don't recall any posts by you describing what she is doing or has done to help you heal from your trauma. From your posts, it appears to us that she has done nothing.

The usual model for successful R requires both of those things to happen: (a) the WW remaking herself into someone who can be trusted, and (b) the WW working proactively with the BH to heal his trauma.

The model it appears you are pursuing is one where she does not examine her life, at all, nor do you heal, at all. Instead, she wallows in self pity and you choke down your trauma and "stiff-upper-lip" it to stay with her. I recognize that this may be 100% wrong. We only know what you tell us, however, and based on that, I've not seen any process of you two working on healing, as a couple.

Butforthegrace:

I can understand your confusion. But, the path that I am taking is one I feel was chosen for me and one in which I grow happier every single day.

I plan on continuing my growth. She appears to be growing too.

[This message edited by Vomitousmass at 11:20 PM, December 10th (Thursday)]

Forgiveness is one of the most important choices and gifts you can give yourself. It can be so healing in the life of the betrayed.

I haven't read others' replies, so please forgive me if mine is repetitive.

I completely agree with you that foregiveness is a healing choice and gift, and an important step in moving on from infidelity.

I've forgiven both of the men I loved, both of whom betrayed me and neither of whom has much if any remorse.

I've forgiven myself for internalizing their mistreatment, and accepting the blame for THEIR choices. I've forgiven myself for being a doormat and for doing the don't-leave-me dance for so much of my life, wasting decades in the process.

Forgiveness IS a powerful tool, whether you reconcile with a cheating partner or not.