SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Achilles, not trying to be mean but what advice have you taken? What advice has been helpful to you? From following your thread, it looks to me like you've shot down most if not all advice and have instead opted to wait it out. It seems to me that you come here to vent and for support but not advice. Nothing wrong with that but just know that nothing changes if you change nothing.

Ok, but how far do you let this go? Until she goes to a showing? Until she places an offer? I hope for your sake you're right but people who aren't planning on moving soon don't start searching for houses. It's not wise to sit back and pretend like she'll never leave if you don't.

IDK if the house shopping is necessarily a sign of her checking out. It's not great, but possibly just down to her uneasiness of where they are. I do something similar with jobs. Whenever I'm uneasy about work's direction, I job search. I've only had two real jobs, averaging over 15 years at each, so it very unlikely I'll jump. It just helps me deal with the anxiousness if I know the potential landing spots.

nekonamida,

I have taken some advice and put it to use.

I contacted OBS, demanded she tell her family about the affair, got us both tested for STD's, got her into IC, have her reading and journaling, set aside time every week for me to ask questions and get answers. Had her do a timeline. So I have followed some advice.

I struggled with the 180, couldn't pull it off. I did not file for divorce or leave her. So some things I did not take advice on.

When I feel things are going poorly, I come here for support or to vent.

In some ways, I guess I am looking for that rainbow unicorn that doesn't exist. That magic piece of knowledge someone can give me that will fix this mess.

I see this affair or what ever you want to call it as more pathetic than anything else. I don't understand how someone can feel that bad about themselves that they would stoop to the lows that she did. I will probably never understand and that for me is a problem.

I feel like since we have all been through this in some way, shape or form, maybe a little less criticism and a little more support might be nice.

[This message edited by achilles1101 at 1:52 AM, February 13th (Saturday)]

That list is fair but I will note, not much of it focuses on you which is primarily where the advice since the start of this thread has been. That's what the 180 is for - yourself - not to punish or control your WW. Where is your IC? What about the books you are reading? What are you doing for yourself? To relax, to regain a sense of control, to help yourself get some relief and healing?

Also - giving you advice you don't want or pointing out pitfalls in your WW is not criticism of you. It IS support. It COMES from a place of care and wanting the best for you. But when you are hurting and you desperately want only one outcome to your situation, everything can feel like criticism. If I say your WW doesn't sound remorseful or isn't doing enough, that has nothing to do with YOU because you are not her. But because you are so wrapped up in her, because you have taken the lead by making her do those things for R, because your identity is as her husband and not as an individual, all you hear is, "R isn't going well because I'm not pushing her hard enough," or "I need to do more to convince her to do better." Of course you get angry because truthfully you have very little control over her so this is the best that you can do.

NO ONE here believes that you are responsible for your WW's success in R. We ALL know that only she is responsible. So when we point out problems with her and what she is doing, it's so that you can be aware of them and make plans accordingly. Not so that you can try and change her. That's why you would be greatly benefited by DETACHing (Don't Even Think About Changing Her) regardless of where R goes. You need to reclaim yourself and your own identity of who you are outside of your marriage in order to heal.

Neko is right....word-for-word. It is natural of us betrayed to get defensive to some point. After all, we are talking about your spouse, and an automated response is to protect, at least, to a certain level. So yeah, I get it when you visit this site, already feeling down, and reading advice that you don't believe is helpful....it only makes you feel worse. But remember, just because you did not like that advice does it mean that it was automatically poor advice....even if it was delivered without much tact. There is a very good chance that what stings the most is something that you are already struggling with.

That aside, I really want to talk to you for a second about this line from neko:

not much of it focuses on you which is primarily where the advice since the start of this thread has been.

If you put EVERYTHING else for a moment, the above is really what this is all about. If you look at ANY new thread from a betrayed, male or female, the advice is always going to be the same---TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. You can't the best spouse, parent, or person if you aren't taking care of yourself and thinking clearly. That is what is put out there first and foremost, because it is (1)obvious and (2) something directly in your control.

But look deeper at her quote. In my opinion, and others can argue if I'm wrong, MY STRONG BELIEF is that dealing with infidelity, as well as many other places in life, primarily has to do with your SELF-WORTH. It's everything. It doesn't make your spouse not cheat(because no matter what, we can't control someone else), but it gets us a whole helluva lot quicker out of infidelity. It makes us more decisive; it makes us more confident in our decision-making; and most importantly, it prevents us from unwillingly tolerating less-than from one of the most important people in our lives---our partners. And they should expect the same from us.

Achilles, I would be willing to bet that the advice and support you received 25+ pages ago would have been much different, if we knew that you were not accepting less-than. Instead of "My wife is still at her same job. Her AP works there, and it's eating me up inside. I have no idea if they are or are not communicating. I only have her word", if what you wrote was "My wife had her affair through her place of work. Her head is still up her ass, but I told her that she's got X amount of days to get out of there. It's not even up for discussion if wants an attempt to stay in this marriage" I guarantee that the members could sense your strong sense of self-worth, and would know that you are going to get yourself out of this mess with the least amount of possible damage.

How many times are women told to 'put their bitch boots' on? How many times are men told to 'man-up', or stop being such a p****'? They are told that to get them in gear. They know that you are reeling, but they also know that sitting inactive in the middle of a shitstorm is only going to make you suffer more. But most of all, they see that lack of self-worth. They see that acceptance of less-than. Self-worth has nothing to do with arrogance or conceitedness(is that a real word?). It only means entitlement/deservedness in a healthy definition of the word.

You DESERVE to have a faithful spouse.

You DESERVE to not accept a spouse who has been unfaithful to not meet the efforts that YOU expect from them.

You DESERVE to have those expectations meet a level of personal acceptance. Not less-than.

You stated earlier that you feel obligated to stay with your spouse because you new her past before committing to spend your life with her. GET THAT THOUGHT PROCESS OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!! It's unhealthy. It's codependent in nature. It's wrong. It's not wrong to stay with your wife to give her a chance to sort herself out, but it should be with the correct mindset. It should be "I am choosing to stay with my wife, as long as I feel comfortable, for her to sort herself out. But once it passes my personal level of acceptance, I will leave." YOU dictate how long to stay. Infidelity is an automatic, bonafide, guaranteed end to the marriage. Do not pass go; do not collect $200. PERIOD. There is no obligation----I don't care how difficult someone's past is, it does not give them the right to abuse us. It's pretty insulting to all the CSA survivors who have remained faithful to give an excuse for infidelity. There is none. But if a person knows their worth, and chooses to stay for no other reason than it is what they want to do, well, then at least it was a healthy decision.

Achilles, KNOW YOUR WORTH.

DON'T ACCEPT LESS FROM YOURSELF OR OTHERS.

I can't stress this enough.

Just to add, Achilles, it took me a lonnnng time to get my head on straight. A lot of us did. That's why we keep urging you along.....to avoid the mistakes that we made.

JB is spot on about the difference in framing and self-worth.

I'd like to add - we all know this crap is difficult, soul crushing, and painful. We all have been stuck at some point because we'd rather put our heads back in the sand and on some level it's easier in the moment. But like Thumos always says - "The beatings continue until morale improves." Things do not get easier or resolve themselves just because we choose to wait and see. WSes do not get more remorseful while we expect less-than from them otherwise the vast majority of us who are now S/D would be in a successful R. Choosing to put off working on yourself and getting your self-worth back makes this HARDER. Not easier. For you, for R, for your WW. It generally leads to more D outcomes than R outcomes which is why if you want R, you gotta get back up and do some work for your own sake.

I have taken some advice and put it to use.

I contacted OBS, demanded she tell her family about the affair, got us both tested for STD's, got her into IC, have her reading and journaling, set aside time every week for me to ask questions and get answers. Had her do a timeline. So I have followed some advice.

You seem to be putting in a lot of work/effort.

What’s she doing?