Thank you for sharing your story in detail. It was very helpful to me.
I noticed that your footer states: "Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it"
Can you please explain exactly what this means ? Do you think a wayward needs to get over it to become reconciled ? Do you think a remorseful spouse will be able to get over their own sins ?
Oh, you are welcome, and if you contact the OM/AP, he can probably provide more details. 
Someone might think I'm being harsh when I provide the details, and "why would you let anyone know this stuff" sort of reaction, but I figure "what the hell".
I mean, it's not like it is a secret, every BS here has gone through hell after disclosure, and often was going through some degree of it before and was being made to think it was their fault. Then, to find out stuff like I found out, and wonder if they are alone in regards to the graphic and extreme nature of what their BS did with AP. It's all just the usual shit, and much of it makes no rational sense.
As far as my FWS not being able to get over this. I don't know how to explain this shortly, so I apologize for the length of the response.
My FWS really wants to be seen as a stable, dependable, wonderful, kind and loving spouse, mother, and friend that she most usually is. My FWS has a streak of codependency, which is not unusual when coming from a family of origin with the issues that existed there. Her mother and father both have issues with mental illness and her father was alcoholic, both of them cheated on each other multiple times, divorced, and subsequently at least the father did the same in two other marriages. Both she and her siblings have suffered from this upbringing, one becoming very religious, another repeating everything the parents did, and my FWS falls somewhere in the middle.
But, there is another side to this person, my FWS, which was more fully acknowledged in counseling had played out in relationships in the past, flashes of which would come and go in times of conflict in our marriage, usual marriage conflicts, but short term usually, a few days at most. In the affair, it may have come out partly because of a change in antidepressant medications, who knows, and there was alcohol and marijuana use mixed with that, and she was on a medication that you are not supposed to drink when taking (she had told her doctor that she didn't drink and she was drinking way more than I had knowledge of). She still cannot deal with the fact that she was as cruel as she was, never mind the parts that I was unaware of that took 9 years to be disclosed, she was cruel to me emotionally during the affair, which took place over 2 months. It came to the point that I told her to "get out, leave", I was done, I was not going to be treated like that. She ended up stopping the affair, the sexual part may have already stopped when I told her to leave, but the manipulation, gaslighting, and lying escalated, through MC initially, and continued for years, till the D-day and then the second round of MC 9 years later.
Because of the "extenuating" circumstances, depression, etc, my spouse really wanted to be given a "pass" on her behavior, saying verbatim "it wasn't me, that's not who I am".
The second MC, she basically drove home the fact that "this was you, it is who you are when you do these things, you did these things, you have done these things in the past, IF you drink, use marijuana, or are not open and honest with your husband and your physician, you WILL do these things again". In counseling, this was slowly revealed to be a repeating pattern, I just happened to be the most stable person she'd ever been in a relationship with, and overall circumstances being what they were it took longer to repeat in our marriage than it had before she was married to me, probably in large part because I didn't drink much and never drank to any significant degree of intoxication.
It is a hard thing to acknowledge your own capacity for cruelty to those that love you.
Remorse is part of the process, I don't use the word "sin" because I'm not religious, my FWS is the religious one.
Reconciliation is a process, that likely never ends. If someone can't bear to talk about what they have done, I would say that they have "partly" gone through that process.
My FWS remains in counseling and with mental health care 10 years after D-day, to deal with her emotions around this event, as well as prior actions that took place prior to our marriage, her actions as well as those of others she was involved with, and the consequences of those actions. She does not drink. She does not use Marijuana. She is open with her physician. She reports any medication changes to me immediately. If I see behavior at all like I've gone through in the past, I pick up the phone and call her physician. It is unlikely that it will ever be any better than it is now, and both of us have to accept that.
