SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Become a better man. Figure out why you did what you did and heal/change those things. Figure out what you are unhappy about and take responsibility to fix them.

We are unhappy because we allow ourselves to be. We use those resentments to fuel a story that lets us break our own integrity and our promises to others. Work on yourself. The more you do that the more it will be evident what you need to do for her.

I don't disagree with some of the actions you need to do, but knowing the actions based on advice and feeling them based on who you are is two different things. The actions advised will only get you so far, you need to be the person who feels them, does them, and that comes from working on yourself fully. Otherwise those things are just a band-aid or a disguise.

I am not getting defensive or my feelings hurt. I have had an onslaught of negative comments come my way here which I all deserve. I just think comments like "your a cheater you don't deserve..." or "its your fault you cant do anything" sound more like personally hurt than beneficial comments. Also, comments from her story which I did not mention at all makes me feel like followers of her story and I don't want anything to go affect her posts or interactions as this was an outlet for her that she invited me too. I don't want to ruin this for her as well.

I self admittedly was in a very bad place when posting so I may have hit a crack in the around. In the end I need to hear it all. ALL OF IT. so again thank everyone who takes the time to post.

I have ordered the book and have a couple more already in hand that I started and need to finish. Thank you for the suggestions

comments like "your a cheater you don't deserve..." or "its your fault you cant do anything"

I didn't see any of this is this thread. I may have missed it,but I skimmed through, and didn't see it.

No one mentioned anything that is in your wife's thread,on this thread,that I saw.

With the exception of one post, everyone else who commented and offered advice, are years out from dday, healed, not angry, and many have reconciled. Several were the best of the best,of our former waywards. And the others are BS who are known for reaching out, and helping the waywards here.

You are defensive. Stop. Don't immediately think you're not. Sit with it. Think about it. Read your responses again.

You are still very wayward in your thought process. Normal for a brand new,freshly caught wayward. These people are trying to get you to see things you are blind to. They're trying to help you basically rewire your brain.

There is more to being a wayward than cheating. Wayward is the way you think as well.

If you really want to get the best out of the amazing resource that is this site, you need to be open to it. Stop assuming that the comments from people that sting, should be dismissed because you believe they are hurting and angry. This is a very well moderated forum. The waywards here are extremely protected. If someone is attacking you, the mods will stop it very quickly. But that isn't happening. You have received great advice. Take it in. Every single person who has responded wants the best for you, and your wife. Even the BS on This site who don't like the waywards,in general, want the waywards to become former waywards, because they know you have a BS who has been traumatized, and they want her to be able to heal, and be happy again.

If your wife wants to enter the reconciliation process, then we all want you to "get it," and do the necessary work in order for that to happen.

But you have to drop your defenses. Humble yourself. And reach true remorse.

I just think comments like "your a cheater you don't deserve..." or "its your fault you cant do anything" sound more like personally hurt than beneficial comments.

Lets digest this and work on this then. What about those two quotes bothers you and makes you think it is personal? Honestly, they are neither. They aren't coming from personal hurt. They come from the reality of those that get hurt and from a place where there is no trust. Most likely your wife might be thinking the same thing. People that have never experienced infidelity have the same thing. "You chose your bed, now lie in it and suck it up....you can't do anything about it because you already gave it up....once a cheater always a cheater." I could go on and on about the stigma that comes with the title of cheater. You already know it and fear it. Though the reality is there isn't any running from it. You can't wish it away or spend a lifetime on what-ifs or denials or if you had done things differently. There is no going back. This is who you became. It doesn't have to be who you could become though make no mistake you will always wear this bumper sticker on your ass. You could choose to own it and know you overcame it and have become someone better than cheater.

I know you can get to a better man. With a lot of work. Vulnerability. Mindfulness. You can change. When I first came here ....I swore up and down people could not change. They can behave better, yet deep down they would always be immature, selfish, and entitled. I was so wrong. With vulnerability and actions...you can change. You want to change. You are unhappy with yourself. You don't love or respect yourself. You can change that. You have a right to live a life of self love(I know corny), self respect, and joy. That is why I post. Knowing that you can survive this, wear the bumper sticker of who you were in your past, and still be someone that can look in the mirror and have integrity, honor, and being proud of yourself. You want that. Not just your wife or a marriage. You want you. A happy and healthy you. You made some horrible hurtful choices...it doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life being that person. You can and do deserve to be happy and whole again. It may not be with the people you hurt. You will never deserve that. You can do your best to earn it. No matter what comes of that remember that is her gift...grace, mercy and it is not entitled or guaranteed. If she chooses not to, she still moves on because she has enough self respect and love to demand better for herself. You still have to become more for yourself. Otherwise, you just continue to spiral downward.

Good question OP, some good responses.

Except...

I wish WSs on here would stop telling new WSs they can't heal their spouses just cause they couldn't be bothered to heal theirs, and that BSs would stop telling WWs who WANT TO HEAL their spouses that they can't, just because THEY'RE WSs didn't bother.

Let him at least try and find out for himself that he 'can't'.

Basically Voors you've been told to 'focus'on yourself, instead of your wife. I wouldn't recommend. Obviously focus on doing the right things and your own accountability

Don't be defensive, even if you HAVE to be on here DO NOT be with your wife. You mentioned not deserving mean comments, think about the word deserve. You know your wife didn't deserve what you did. But you did it. Yes there is a connection. If you think you don't deserve mean comments then maybe you don't think you deserve her hurt ones. And that's the problem. It wil sound like you're saying she deserved the betrayal, because well, it happened. So on SOME level you think she deserved it. But yet you don't deserve hurt comments.

Do you see? It sounds like you think you're better than her. She deserves pain but you don't deserve criticism for causing it?

How?

Also, I've seen countless BWs say their husband is their rock again.

But that will take a long time. So DO NOT mess this up if you want that.

Do NOT cheat, make contact or LIE. Again!

Do mot be defensive. ALWAYS be kind. Do housework don't dare mention you did it, will sound like you're pointing out that she didn't do it. Just always always always think about how she feels.

If she appreciates being told she's beautiful tell her. If not, don't be confused. Clearly she will wonder why she wasn't 'beautiful enough'. Same with I love yous.

And if any of that behaviour confuses you then remember she never thought in a million yeras that her rock would ever hurt her on purpose. To be with another woman. To chose that woman over her. Because you did. Physically chose to spend time with that woman you could have spent with her. Spent time treating that woman well while betraying your wife. Even if you didn't treat her well she still had a choice in the relationship. Your wife didn't have consent to being cheated on.

The OW didn't deserve any of the time and love and attention you have her and your wife did. Even if you think you were still loving to your wife, you weren't BECAUSE you were lying AND gave that attention to another.

So be as supportive of her as possible. Not as supportive as YOU can possibly be. Strive for perfection because that's basically what you're asking her for. Be cheated on, recover much of it on her own. Treat you well as if you had never ruined her life. Do work to have a good marriage. Battle with trusting you again even though you have proven you aren't trustworthy. That's perfection that's not humanly possible.

And go with her to std appointments when it's safe to do so. She'll need regular ones. If you had a physical affair you have put her in a LOT of danger. Which she'll have to over (see? Perfection).

I wish WSs on here would stop telling new WSs they can't heal their spouses just cause they couldn't be bothered to heal theirs, and that BSs would stop telling WWs who WANT TO HEAL their spouses that they can't, just because THEY'RE WSs didn't bother.

Whose to say they didn't. As opposed to knowing from experience that you can't. I bet they all did and it had nothing to do with them not bothering. I know it holds true for me. I did. I learned. Yes, he can too. The point of helping is telling what does work. Sure, there are things we all learn the hard way. Obviously because we are WS. It doesn't mean that what we say is not wrong. If you changed and owned it...get it. Then you know You can't heal the other person. You can help not make it worse. You can be caring and compassionate. You can't heal them. The reason we say heal yourself first...(which doesn't mean be a deuch bag in the meantime) is because he needs to get better to even understand what better is. Like put on your life vest. Get some air. Then help the person next to you. Healing the BS as a new WS comes from a very selfish, regretful level anyways. They are doing it to make things easier for them. The more they work on themselves so they aren't selfish, the more remorseful they get.

It isn't a sprint to being a better husband while you white knuckle every day because you think that is all that needs to be done. Stepping up to being a better husband. It is healing the underlining need that makes you a bad one to begin with. Don't white-knuckle just to keep her. Down the road...you will just spiral again. Same way or some other addiction.

Defensiveness of any kind will destroy her and make it impossible for any real sincerity you have to come through and show her that you really care and are remorseful for tour horrible actions.

I get defensive and resentful, and thought that “doing things” like the housework, cooking, dishes, parenting was something to point at and say see I’m doing more than my share plus going to work all day. DEAD WRONG.

There is incredible advice here that regretfully if you are like me and don’t follow, her pain will only grow. Don’t argue! Don’t defend! Don’t minimize! Ever!

Unconditional love and incredible patience. It’s going to be a life’s work. You have to enter into it with no promise of success. It will begin to wear you down right around month four. Resist getting defensive. Resist long sighs and eyeball rolls when she asks you repetitive unpleasant questions because, you truly love her and want to help her mind work through the trauma. The trauma you inflicted. Help her mind work through it. Expect some all night Q&A. Eventually things will improve.

Tell her you love and want her more than anyone and will never give up. Yes, these grand dramatic overtures and declarations is exactly what she needs to hear. Your intensity, your efforts and acts of love must completely transcend the trauma of the contradictory unloving acts. Love vs anti-love.

Make yourself vulnerable to her. Lay it all on the line. Make sacrifices. Show initiative. No exit strategy. Don’t expect much from her. Full self initiated transparency. Small unexpected tokens of affection. Unsolicited non-sexual affection. Don’t underestimate the power of touch-affection to defuse and reassure.

Dream about your mutual future as if it WILL happen and you damned well intend on being in it, if she’ll let you.

Heal her with the same conviction, determination and undying hope that a parent would for their child on life support.

If you’re not up to it, be honest with her, if you can’t be a true lover, then be Gentlemen and usher her gently into a new life.